SamRo

HoHan's Hungry Hungry Hippo vagina is starting to slobber for the dick again and SamRo finds this a problem, because...well...she doesn't have a real peen. The two cooch bumpers have been fighting about HoHan acting slutty with dudes from Las Vegas to London.

A source told The Sun, “Lindsay and Sam had a huge bust up last week at Pure night club in Las Vegas. Lindsay was flirting with a guy and Sam was ballistic. Lindsay says she loves Sam more than anything but she just can't help that she is attracted to the opposite sex. She thinks that they should come to some sort of understanding. Lindsay wants an open relationship where she can explore her heterosexuality without feeling guilty or sneaking around."

This is what I was afraid. Poor SamRo's little gayelle heart can't take having a relationship with a GRADE A SLUT! All mega whores go through this phase. They think they can skip through life with just one dick (or pussy) in their hand, but they can't! HoHan's chocha is chomping at the bit and she can't control it. When she's at a bar and sees a hot dude, her vagina probably takes off like a pit bull after the mailman! Nope, it's not going to end well.

Here's the greedy whore and her pussy breather lady friend in London last night.

So this is how Sue Johanson has been keeping busy ever since she stopped doing "Talk Sex"? She's joined the angry airport lady brigade at LAX! When I retire, I want to join their army. There's no better way to take out years of frustration and anger than pushing and screaming at a mob of paparazzi. The angry airport lady brigade should carry blow horns, tasers and shanks.

Above is a clip of an extremely hot airport lady paving the way for HoHan and her private vag vacuum SamRo. Thanks to the screaming airport lady the not-gayelle and her lady lovah made it to Heathrow safe and sound (below). Let's face the facts, without the angry airport lady, HoHan and SamRo would've died or been trampled by the paps. Angry airport ladies are saving the world!

It's obvious to everyone that HoHan and SamRo are eating each other's fish biscuits. I mean, if you look close enough you can probably spot one of HoHan's ginge pubies in SamRo's teeth. HoHan sort of admitted it to Harper's Bazaar, but wouldn't name names. HoHan said, "I think it's pretty obvious who I'm seeing."

Even though HoHan is currently doing the labia lambada with SamRo, she doesn't consider herself a full-time lezzie. When asked if she was a lezzzzzzzbian, she said, "No." But when asked if she was bi (wanna try?) she said, "Maybe. Yeah."

Who needs labels anyway?! Sometimes you feel like an Oreo cookie, sometimes you feel like a Vanilla Wafer and most of the time you feel like a Mother's Circus Animal Cookie. That analogy makes no fucking sense (what's new?), but I have Mother's cookies on the brains in a bad way. Seriously, I think I ate like 4 bags this weekend and I only have 4 bags left. I hope the world ends soon, because I don't know what I'm going to do when I eat my last bag.....

VIA Page Six

Michael Lohan should just change his name to STFU, because that's the first thing I think of whenever I see his name. Over the weekend, at some party in NYC, Michael told New York Magazine that he needs to start keeping his family shit private. Yeah, this turtle-necked motherfucker is talking to the media about how he shouldn't talk to the media. The hell?

Specifically, Michael is sowwy for calling SamRo meanie mean names. He said (pinch your nose, because his words smell like caca), "I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha. I'm a Christian. I should not pass judgment on anyone. In the past, I felt that the best way to get to her was to speak out publicly. And it was the wrong choice. Family matters should be kept private. I've learned that now."

Michael suffers from a rare condition called Chronic Mouth Diarrhea. I also suffer from this, but there's no cure for me. However, there is a cure for Michael. You see that hideous cell phone holder on his waist that's burning my eyes? In order to fix his problem, Michael just has to take that thing and shove it all the way down his throat. It would shut him up and it would also make that fugly ass cell holder disappear. Two birds!

VIA UsWeekly

HoHan hasn't completely lost the craving for delectable dick. In fact, she's telling friends that SamRo is the only coochie she's interested in bumping it with. When their relationship goes the way of HoHan's career, she's going right back to dudes.

One friend tells Full Disclosure, “She has been telling everyone over and over that she’s still into guys. She keeps saying if anything went wrong with Sam she would date a guy next. She even flirts with guys when they go out.”

The friend also said that in an upcoming magazine interview, HoHan's going to proclaim she's strictly dickly and not a gayelle. Just call her Celestia.

You know, who needs labels? HoHan isn't a lezzie, she isn't straight, she's not bi, she's just a fucking slut! The same can be said for a lot of us. I mean, if Rojo Caliente rolled up in her Dodge pick-up and asked me to be hers, I would put on my coochie-eatin' flannel, dab a little tuna juice on my no-no hole and scream, "Home Depot! Here we come!"

When you're on an Acela train from NYC to DC with someone you're currently bumping oysters with, you should spend most of the trip massaging each other's clitties, not fighting! Some nosy bitch was sitting near HoHan and SamRo on a train ride to DC and listened to them "quietly" arguing the entire time.

The bitch told Page Six that HoHan complained during most of the train ride and told SamRo that she's constantly doing what's best for them and not what's best for her. SamRo sat there with her hood over her head and sighed every now and again. During the fight, HoHan yelled at SamRo, "Don't fucking lie to me!"

These two actually talk to each other? I figured they only communicated through text messaging. I bet they even text during sexy times. While SamRo is eating the ham wallet, HoHan texts her, "O YES rt there i'm abt2 cum yeh kip dat tung Fkng goin!"

And yes, it's the slowest fucking gossip day ever.......

HoHan is a genius when it comes to picking Halloween costumes. Full Disclosure reports that she's chosen to go as Sarah Palin. You know, because ten million other people aren't going to dress as Palin for Halloweenie. Seriously, that's why I'm considering staying inside. The streets will be covered with Palins. There's not enough drugs or booze to help me deal with that. Wait. Maybe I should go as Cindy McCain? Then I'd have a valid reason to pop Vicodin all night. That would be a hot costume.

Anynotoriginalcostumechooser, HoHan's official vagina cleaner SamRo is considering dressing as Todd Palin. TODD?! For real? That's the best she could come up with?!

If HoHan insists on dressing as Palin, then SamRo should at least wear a Joe Sixpack costume. She doesn't even have to dress up. She just has to wear her normal clothes and carry a six packer of Natty Ice.

Here's these two crazy gayelles going to see Vadge at Madison Square Garden in NYC last night.

When you first saw the pictures of SamRo in a two-piece, I'm sure you either:

a) Rubbed one off.
b) Vomited with your eyes.
c) Wondered what the secret is to her sexy bikini body?

If you're in the c-group then I have the answer for you! SamRo talked to People about the pictures of her in a bikini while vacationing with her lady friend HoHan. She said she wasn't happy about it, but laughed when she heard that some people were impressed by her body. When asked what her secret is, she said, "No gym – well, not in the last five years. All the credit goes to Mom and Dad and their genes!"

SamRo said the only time she gets exercise is when she's "sprinting through airports to catch flights." She went on to say, "I get winded just reaching for my cigarettes!"

Umm...err....she forgot to mention a couple of important ways she stays thin. I'm sure her all-coochie-diet has something to do with it. You can eat all you want and you don't get fat! You might have breath like a bucket of chum, but at least you won't have a fat ass.

She was lying when she said she didn't work out that much. I'm sure she burns at least a hundred calories by doing her daily cardio exercise of scissor bumping.

SamRo and HoHan are still on a big lezzie holiday in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Don't forget to swallow the worm! You know, I could never bring myself to drink the tequila worm. This is surprising because I've swallowed a lot of funky.... Okay, I'll stop. It's too early for that sick gutter talk.

Yesterday, the two little dykies spent the day playing Scrabble (WTF), smoking fags, standing in front of the ocean, staring at the ocean, holding hands and eating frozen sperm pops. Those silly lezzies! You're not supposed to eat the sperm pops! You're supposed to put them up your snatch if you want a baby!

It's still a little strange seeing SamRo in a pretty bikini. She kind of looks like a younger Mr. Burns rocking a sexy two piece. I bet this is what Mark Ronson looks like in a bikini, but his chichis are probably bigger.

Here's more of these two getting sand in their 'ginas in Mexico. I bet the sand exfoliates their chochas when they bump them together later. It makes their honey ham coochies extra soft. Soft like a butch dyke's leather tool belt.

In high school, there was this majorly butchie gym teacher who basically made SamRo look like fucking Claudia Schiffer. A lot of dumb whores would mistakenly call her Mr. Honeycutt instead of Ms. Honeycutt (the names have been changed to protect the innocent). When it came time to get into the pool, Ms. Honeycutt came out in a tight one-piece swimsuit. It made all of us slap ourselves in the eyes, because we couldn't believe what we were seeing. We expected this bull dyke to come out in an oversized t-shirt and trunks to her knees. It made me feel uncomfortable at first, but then it was kind of hot. I like the unexpected.

I sort of felt the same way while looking at these pictures of SamRo and HoHan sunning their lezzie flaps in Cabo. Not only is SamRo wearing a bikini, but it's pink and looks like it came from fucking Sanrio. And you think you know someone! Next you're going to tell me that she isn't the one who wears the strap-on!

Here's more of these two hipster gayelles in Mexico. How do you say gayelle in Spanish? Maricalley? I just made that up, so it's probably really offensive or doesn't make any fucking sense.