(The title is dedicated to my abuelita. It's always Balentine's Day to me.)
HoHan and SamRo can't even stop fighting like a pair of mangy lezzie raccoons on the one where you're not supposed to fight with the bitch who is sucking on your open-face roast beef sandwich (with swiss). Early this morning, those angry lezzies were at it again after leaving the Eldridge Lounge in NYC. They walked all the way to their hotel while screaming at each other and sucking on fag sticks. That's what the pappies claim anyway.
They say HoHan sas yelling at SamRo, "I'm sorry! Forgive me!" The skank's nose must have ate the last 8-ball. Or she accidentally ate a dick. One of those. These pieces of trash need to stop with that narcotic and pick up a bong instead. Make bong, not war. They are so fucking angry-like.
SamRo needs a change her diet of fags, Red Bull and bits of HoHan's clitty litter, because she's looking like one of the shriveled crotch worms that live under Skeletor's nutsack. She's the perfect shade of BEAT. She has a face that only a methadone clinic could love. She should take the hint and drop the bad fish. That shit is not good for her. SamRo needs a hot gayelle that will be a good influence on her. Too bad Clay Gayken isn't single.
Anybeatdownlezzie, SamRo and HoHan were back together on the streets of Beverly Hills yesterday. There were many rumors flying around that they were no longer grinding their snatches in each other's faces. It seems like shit is back on for now.
And if you live in the DC area, you better stock up on your choice narcotic, because these two are coming next week for Obama's inauguration and they will clean the city out!!! Keep your drug drawer full and stay inside.
Last month, HoHan was spotted "nuzzling" on Sean Penn in NYC. I figured she was just trying to snort out a little sugah-covered booger chunk from his nose. Well, Ho and Penn were back together at Nobu in L.A. the other night. A nosy ho told Celebuzz (via P6), "Sean was the only guy at a table full of Lindsay and her friends. The whole table chatted and chain-smoked."
Lily Allen was absolutely right. Coke isn't one of Satan's minions. It also brings people together. If it wasn't for the candy dust, Ho and Penn might not be sharing laughs and fags at dinner. Can you imagine their conversation. Actually, there's probably not a lot of talking going on. They just stare at each other, licking their lips, sniffing their noses and wiping their snot. Then they get up and go to the bathroom, come back, sit down, and do it all over again. I doubt they're bumping it.
But if they were, what would their couple name me? I'm thinking HoPenn. Well, let's drop the unnecessary n and put an e in its place where it rightfully belongs. HoPeen! Perfect.
Oh and what about that sad little lesbian SamRo? Page Six says that she really did end their shit, but HoHan is in denial. Some source said, "Sam broke up with Lindsay but she is completely in denial about it."
When someone dumps your ass and you're not ready to let go of their good sexin' or their wallet, the best thing to do is pretend like it never happened. That way you can just skip on up and demand they lick your orgasm maker or give you some cash. If you whine and persist long enough, they'll finally just give in to shut you up.
If you ever need a spokeswhore, hire HoHan, because her statements always sound like they were written by a 9-year-old girl (or me). When asked by Life & Style if it was true that she was no longer scissoring SamRo's clam box, she said, "We didn't break up. No. People need to stop creating drama, it's gross." Personally, I would've added an "Ewwwwww" and a "Shut up!"
Not only did HoHan gross about it with Life & Style, but she also went on her own blog to deny that shit, because it's not like she's doing anything else. She wrote:
little piece of TRUE information:
we did NOT break up!
access hollywood, extra, et, every tabloid, page six... AND every GOSSIP website. Get your stories straight please. It's really annoying to have all of your friends emailing you saying, i saw, i read, etc... NOT TRUE
It's gross. NOT TRUE. And the GOSSIP needs to stop. Got it?! Good. But wait. Do you think creating drama is gross when you leak it to the tabloids for extra coke cash? HoHan thinks not.
You know, I'm glad to hear they're not breaking up, because this is not how it's supposed to end! HoHan's supposed to roll on Ecstasy, wander through rural Fresno, knock on a stranger's door and tell them she's the daughter of God. That's how real fauxmosexuals end their lezzie relationships. I hope HoHan learned something from Anne Heche.
P.S. - The only thing gross about any of this is HoHan's bi-color weave in that picture above.
Here we go again. Somebody put the hose on these two gayelles. Or throw a coke dust-covered dildo in the corner to keep HoHan busy for a while. I swear. HoHan and SamRo are always fighting.. Everywhere. They should be finger jacking each other. Not fighting.
Page Six has been tracking HoHan and SamRo's war battles in Miami. The first battle took place at Set in Miami with both of their families around? If White Oprah was in their presence, they should have join forces and attacked that whore instead of each other.
The real epic battle happened on New Year's Eve at Mansion where they shared hosting duties. A witness said they started screaming out each other and the fight quickly moved to the back alley. Okay, this is what I like to hear. The source said, "It was a really gross alley. There was a bum eating a sandwich watching the whole thing. Lindsay was really unstable and flipping out."
Gross?! The source doesn't know true glamour when they see it. That sounds fucking hot. I always try to do all my fighting in back alleys with sandwich-eating bums serving as my audience. Add a song by Vanity 6 as the soundtrack and that shit right there would have been the most glamorous event of 2009.
When the two angry lezzies got back to their hotel at around 11am, they started bitch fighting! Several whores said they could hear the two trashing their room and that's when they took the fight to the hallways. One source said, "They were punching each other - it was bad. And they were doing this in front of all of us. It was scary."
Again, who are these sources? Scary?! That is far from scary. That is entertainment right there. Obviously, none of these witnesses own a camera phone. I would've been telling those two fightin' dykes to smile and say "dental dam" for my camera while they were kicking each other in the bagina bone.
The source said at one point HoHan dropped to her knees and shouted "Why are you doing this to me?" SamRo responded, "I don't know you."
HAHAHAHAH! "I don't know you" is the best line ever! That shit always works when you want to exude hardcore emotion. Just make sure your bottom lip is quivering and one tear is coming down your cheek just as you're about to say "know you." I think I've said that at least a million times. The last time was when my dry cleaner told me he raised the prices on slacks.
I bet you HoHan and SamRo were fighting over something really stupid. HoHan probably wanted to top just once and SamRo wasn't going to share the strap-on.
Above is video from New Year's Eve at Mansion of the two having words. The worst part of the clip is that SamRo is playing "Woomanizah." This means that the song is back in my brain area for at least 48-hours. I just finished exorcising that shit out of my head by listening to The Facts of Life theme song over and over again. "Woomanizah" is back for more torture.
And here's some pictures of HoHan looking a lot cheerier while vising a friend's house yesterday. Her vagina must be pleased because she's smiling!
If you're ever walking down the street and spot a sad little gayelle, it's your duty as a citizen of this planet to hug her like you would a 9" peen. Because nobody wants to see lesbian with the sads. That's exactly what HoHan did while she was having coffee with SamRo in some parking lot in Los Angeles the other day. And you know HoHan was thinking of 9" peen. And SamRo sort of looks like a dirty peen with that black stocking cap, so this helped out HoHan even more.
Speaking of SamRo's ensemble, does it mean that I'm turning lesbian because I think SamRo's boots are kind of hot? Maybe I am turning lesbian, because I was really excited to go shopping at fucking Home Depot yesterday. If you see me get wet over The L-Word, immediately turn on a CeCe Peniston song to turn me gay again.
Here's SamRo and HoHan hugging in a parking lot the other day. I also threw in some pictures of HoHan leaving the salon yesterday with a dude who has obviously been rifling through SamRo's dirty laundry.
Gatecrasher says that gayelle DJ SamRo made nearly $3 million last year. Yes, for plugging her iPod in, pressing play and then going off to the bathroom to squeeze on HoHan's clitty or something. Speaking of HoHan, she's the whole reason why SamRo is raking in the cash. When SamRo started spitting on HoHan's carrot muffin ------ Wait. Let's hold that thought for a quick minute and discuss something off-topic. Sidebar!
Why in porn do whores always spit on dicks and coochies? I've never done this shit in real life! Seriously, when a porn ho is sucking on a dick, every now and again she spits on it! The dude will usually moan "Spit on my prick" or something stupid like that. The same goes for the dudes. When he's feasting on snatch, he spits a loogie on it like he's getting ready to give it a shoe shine. It's bizarre! If someone spit on my privates, I'd slap them in the tongue. Don't disrespect my private area like that! Sidebar over....
When SamRo started spitting on HoHan's carrot muffin, her rate went from $1,500 to as much as $25,000 a night. An inside source said that promoters know that if they book SamRo her partner in pussy is probably going to tag along. The source went on to say, “Sam’s now asking for a lot more money to spin, and she’s getting it easily.”
One of SamRo's friends said she doesn't need HoHan to make cash. “She’s always had money, and relied more on [famous deejay brother] Mark for getting gigs booked. In fact, Sam made Lindsay hot again!”
Who cares why SamRo is making $25,000 a night! The fucked up thing is that she's making that much to seriously put her iTunes on "party shuffle." SamRo is the saddest little DJ ever. She just stands there with a frown on her face, poking at her laptop. She looks like she'd rather be getting a pap smear from Freddy Krueger.
Seriously, SamRo is no DJ Spinderella. Now that bitch deserves $3 million a year.
Nobody likes a sad little lesbian. When lesbians are sad, we're all sad. So this story about SamRo having a bad case of the sads, puts a frown on my face. Actually, I really have a frown on my face because it's Monday morning and I'm out of SANKA!!!!! Luckily, I have one coffee single and a Red Bull left. Mix those two together and problem solved!
The bitches at Life & Style say that friends of SamRo are worried about health, because on Saturday night she called all of them in a panic. One friend didn't really say why she called all worried-like, but they did say, "She was calling around. She knew she had done something wrong. She's been suffering from depression and from lack of food and sleep."
TMZ says that SamRo was shuffled off to the hospital yesterday. They say it wasn't life-threatening, but that she might have stayed overnight.
All this shit is so mysterious! What the hell really happened? Did she burn her tongue on HoHan's firecrotch? Wait. Maybe like everyone in Hollyweird, she's knocked up! That would make almost anyone depressed. Hey, it could happen! HoHan probably has a ton of stored-up jizz in her snatch area. So when she bumped ham wallets with SamRo, a rogue spermie jumped into SamRo's vagina and voila!
If that's not the case, then SamRo just needs to eat more coochie, tickle more coochie, hug more coochie, sleep on more coochie, smile on more coochie and laugh on more coochie. If she does all that, everything will be alright again!
HoHan was on the hunt last week and set her cokey eyes on the raggedy piece of chewed-up man meat known as Sean Penn. According to Fox News' Roger Friedman, HoHan showed up solo to a private dinner for the movie "Milk" at NYC's John Dory restaurant last week. Some witness type said HoHan slid next to Sean and they "nuzzled." I wish the witness type would've said "canoodling." The word "nuzzled" should not be allowed anywhere near HoHan or Sean Penn. The word "nuzzled" was only meant for the Shina Ibu Live Cam Puppies and nothing else!
Besides, Sean and HoHan weren't really nuzzling. HoHan probably sniffed out some of the white shit and her nose led her directly to Sean. She got close so that she could snort the booger sugar directly from his nose. The ho thinks she's slick.
In other fauxmosexual news, HoHan once again wrote on her MySpace blog that she has not broken up with SamRo. YES, we get it. You two are still playing clit hockey. No need to say it ten million times. HoHan also declared her love for writing! Here's a little bit of her post:
i say everything here on myspace. okay. well, i hope that all the gossip magazines and sites, and lurkers read this cuz it's not true. ahh! i love myspace because i can just write, and i love writing, and i can prove all the liars wrong... wow- the people that make shit up must really feel silly, embarrassed, out of stories, scr*w*d, f*ck*d, punk'd, and so much more. because, i can use myspace and just let everyone know what's really going on. which is so much more fun!
Writing? Is that what she calls it? The ho abuses commas more than I do and that's saying a lot. Seriously, coke blogging is not the way to go.
And here's this generation's Virginia Woolf at the Farmer's Market in L.A. yesterday.
Busy updating her MySpace blog that is. In between her hectic schedule of buying fugly clothes, getting flour bombed and making cocktails on the sly, HoHan has written a couple of posts about her partner in pussy and her hatred for Facebook.
Sometime this morning, while SamRo was probably connecting her freckles with her tongue, HoHan wrote this:
oy vey! rumors..
just to clear this up.. because i have been getting a lot of emails asking me this one question.
samantha ronson and lindsay lohan (me) are NOT breaking up
Oy gey! Okay. You can file that under: useless shit you might want need to make small talk with a bitch you don't really like. You know, when you're stuck with a bitch you don't really like and there's an uncomfortable silence, just say, "Oh. You know HoHan and SamRo didn't break up." The bitch will just nod and then you can feel better about yourself knowing that you at least tried.
On Monday, HoHan wrote about how she's having a fight with Facebook. Her life is seriously really stressful:
i signed onto facebook with my new password because someone keeps hacking into my account, and when i typed my password and "log in" name in, a red sentence came up saying..
Your account has been disabled by an administrator. If you have any questions or concerns, you can visit our FAQ page here.
wow! i was in shock. i clicked on the link that they told me to click on and then to another link that said: my account may of been disabled by mistake. once i got to that it gave a note saying why it was disabled which stated the note saying that it was disabled because they believe that i was a fake of myself. genius. here i am loving facebook (as well as myspace-hehe) but going on facebook to talk to some of my friends and they are thinking that I AM THE "FAKE" OF MYSELF!!! hahahahahaha.. at first i laughed, and then i got angry. angry because, with ALL the people that PRETEND to be me on facebook, they decide to say I AM THE FAKE- of myself. all i can think is, WHO is running this site? and how can they just "disable" my account without first, sending me a warning notice, or AT LEAST asking me some account verification questions. here they are re-designing the look on the site when they should be setting up a more secure way of allowing people to set up an account. i wasn't even under my name, i had a fake name on my account because, obviously i didn't want everyone on facebook to know it was me.
maybe i am just venting, but i am also writing this blog in hopes that the people at facebook will un-disable my account and allow me to sign in the EXACT same way it was, same friends, same emails, same "pets" and so on..
phew! i'm glad i got that off my chest, i needed to let it out somewhere, and myspace has always been the best place for me to do it, especially if i hope for something to change....
Now that Obama is president, I believe that his first priority will be to change Facebook's mistreatment of celebwhores. Don't worry your little gayelle head, HoHan!