SamRo

SamRo posed for the paps last night dressed like the simple boy in grade school who pees sitting down, eats raw instant oatmeal as a snack and regularly gets sent to the principal's office for smearing his booger's on another kid's face (aka me in the second grade aka me today).

You know, it's good and everything that SamRo is so excited about her sneakers, but she really should get excited about taking vitamins instead because homegirl is thisclose to looking like Mr. Burns. When you make Lindsay Lohan look like a spring daisy, it's time to start sprinkling an Emergen-C on every chocha you're about to eat.

On Friday there was a rumor going around the block that Lindsay Lohan threw a drink at SamRo during a fight at some club. Well, today there's a new story about how SamRo threw her fists at HoHan's face. This is what happens when Michael Lohan and fan fiction meet.

A source (aka The Bagina Basher of Long Island) close to both SamRo and HoHan tells Radar that there's some lezzie domestic violence shit going on. The source said, “One time I saw her [Lindsay] and she had a large welt on her head. She told me that Sam beat the (bleep) out of her. She also said that Sam even punched and choked her one time.”

It doesn't help matters that SamRo moved into LiLo's apartment building, “It’s so twisted. They’re not together, but they are. I never thought I’d ever say this, but I really do feel sorry for Lindsay. She is just lost. She’s alone. She has no friends to turn to.”

While I'm sure the two have whooped each other over the last line, I don't know if I completely buy this. I just tried to envision LiLo as Sophia and SamRo as Harpo from The Color Purple, and it didn't work. I even pictured LiLo giving the "All my life..." speech to Pooty. Does not compute.

This rumor sounds like something that came out of Michael Lohan's ass during one of his more intense bowel movements. But if it is true, throw SamRo in the clink! Actually, SamRo surrounded by butch puss doesn't sound like much of a punishment. Throw her in White Oprah's basement instead!

Lindsay Lohan might be a crackity crackhead, pill popper, drunk, kleptomaniac, hoarder, compulsive liar, Pooty's arch rival, fame fucker and child pimp, but none of those things make me want to UPS her a straitjacket like this story from Radar. According to some witness (aka Pooty disguised as a potted plant), LiLo threw a cup of vodka (that's "angelic tears of joy" to you and me) in SamRo's face at a club on Wednesday night! EEEEE-LEGAL!

This source explained that SamRo was working her usual "pushing play on iTunes" gig at Crown Bar in West Hollywood when the crackie tornado busted through the doors.

The source goes on, "Lindsay was drinking straight out of a bottle of vodka and I saw her take an orange prescription bottle out of her bag and pop a couple of pills that she said were Adderal, she even offered some of the pills to a friend that was with her. Lindsay was trying to get Sam's attention, but she was working and studiously ignored Lindsay. You could see Lindsay getting more and more worked up the more Sam didn't pay her any attention. Sam just got sick of it all in the end though and started taunting Lindsay about her being all drunk and messed up. She said to Lindsay, 'Why don't you just have another drink?' and even told her, 'You're a disgrace'.

That made Lindsay just totally flip out on Sam. She picked up a drink and threw it straight in her face! Sam was absolutely furious and picked up some DJ equipment that was by her and threw that at Lindsay. It was crazy!"

That's crazy alright. It's certifiable. LiLo's craziness has really snorted up the line this time. And I thought she respected the booze! How dreadful.

I mean, I'm sure LiLo has thrown vodka at SamRo before, but usually she aims for the vag and sticks a celery stalk in there. Breakfast of champions.

Here's the booze-abuser going to dinner at Madeo last night.

There's just something about SamRo (SPOILER ALERT: It's the serious muff-diving face) that makes all skankwhoresluts purr like Ne-Yo in a men's locker room. And Aubrey Ho'Day (And Night) is no exception! Page Six says that at a Nascar party at Lavo in Las Vegas the other night, Aubrey tried to seduce SamRo with the Dance of the Seven STDs.

A witness (*cough*Ginger*cough*) barked this to say Page Six, "She was doing everything to get Samantha's attention, including grinding her derriere on the glass partition that blocked off the booth. Samantha totally ignored her."

Every time Aubrey O'Day gets shut down, a fellow skankwhoreslut accidentally drops her last morning-after pill into a sewer grate while doing the walk of shame. TRAGIC!

Obviously, SamRo prefers her ladies refined, demure and pristine. You know, just like HoHan!

Picture this. At Butter in NYC on Monday night, Lindsay Lohan and her former partner in pussy SamRo didn't arrive together and sat at opposite sides of the room. LiLo sat with John Mayer while SamRo kept her distance. They acknowledged each other's presence, but SamRo never tried to talk to LiLo. This gave LiLo the sads and it didn't take long for her to barf out her sorrows into John Mayer's ear.

Some witness-type told Gatecrasher, "Lindsay looked upset that Sam hadn't come over to her, and she started whispering to John, who looked like he was trying to calm her down. She looked pretty angry. Then John got up and went to talk to Sam."

John's words must have soothed SamRo like a warm vibrator, because she got up and strolled on over to LiLo's table. SamRo and LiLo spent the rest of the night laughing and talking. They didn't leave together, but the police weren't called and no one get shanked in the face, so they ended on a good note.

John Mayer shouldn't go around bragging that he's The Dyke Whisperer, because I doubt his words had any effect on SamRo. The truth is, John's overpowering yeast infection breath made SamRo realize that she misses LiLo a little.

While some of you are still sleeping and the rest of us are trying to wake the hell up by pinching our nipples and snorting coffee beans whole, Blohan is Tweeting. Or should I say she's freebase Tweeting. Whenever I write about celebwhores fighting on Twitter, I feel like I'm taking us all back to the cafeteria. This shit is just like junior high. Well, if we all went to junior high school in a crackhouse.

It seems that Blohan's crotch is burning up for a different reason this morning. I'm not completely fluent in Crackanese just yet, so I'm not sure what the hell she's trying to say. Can Courtney Love translate?

Basically, SamRo is a cheat, error-maker and "self-out" who thinks Blohan is gross and ruins "ANYTHI." Did I get that part right, at least? And who is SUBSTANISAN?! Is he hot? Really, I don't even know, but this shit is entertaining.

Here's Blohan leaving Waverly Inn last night just a few hours before she gave us "soooooo much insight" on Twitter this morning.

After SamRo finished having lunch with some of her friends yesterday, she shuffled on over to the parking and who did she run into?! Why it was none-other-than Stalker McStalky herself, HoHan!

Yup, she was just happened to be sitting in her car with The Police's "Every Breath You Take" blasting from her stereo, a pair of binoculars lying in her lap, a wig on her head, a pair of sunglasses on her face and a trench coat over her shoulders. Oh, you know HoHan just likes to spend her afternoons sitting in random parking lots for fun.

The two exchanged a few words and then SamRo rushed off to the nearest police station/tattoo parlor to get a restraining order permanently inked on her forehead. And later in the day, HoHan knew some shit was up so she busted into LAX with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and the two got out of town! The end.

On Monday morning, the sidewalk outside of SamRo's house was covered with tan grease-stained leggings, because those two had another fight which ended in HoHan's shit getting chucked out of a window. The sidewalk was also covered with alley cats carrying forks, because when SamRo threw HoHan's panties out, they thought the buffet was open for business.

The fight all started after SamRo came home from a night out with Drea De Matteo (who kind of looks like something that came out of White Oprah's snatch). The Daily Mail says that HoHan showed up at SamRo's front door, demanded to be let in and the two had another lezzie brawl of words. HoHan called her partner in pussy a "liar," which was SamRo's cue to throw all her crap out the window. HoHan had to run out and collect all her clothes before taking off.

Throwing clothes onto the street? Really, Samro? I thought her ass was smarter than that. That's not how you hurt or punish HoHan! SamRo should've just sat HoHan down and made her watch all of Labor Pains without commercials. Now that's real torture.

Yesterday was the day we were all reminded that HoHan is not a 45-year-old truck stop vagina vendor, but actually a 23-year-old girl. Twenty-three never looked so fresh and pure. Happy Birfdays, eh? HoHan took advantage of the day by dragging the object of her stalking, SamRo, to lunch in Malibu.

You know this shit was a special occasion, because they actually ate food stuff. And you know SamRo also did the eyeroll mambo while eating HoHan's chocha asada a little later. She had to. It was HoHan's BIRFDAY. You have to bust one your birthday. Just ask this trick.

And here's some news that will make your vagina burp. HoHan and SamRo have quit the love. You probably forgot due to a little condition called IDONTGIVEAFUCK-itis, but the 'gina bumpers got back together last month after breaking up in April. Now it's over again.

A source-type told E! News that they ended things last night after a fight about Nicole Richie...among other things. Apparently, Nicole Richie dry heaves every time HoHan is around. Nicole invited SamRo to a party last week, but told her not to bring her partner in pussy. The source went on to say, "Sam went to the party, and it really upset Lindsay."

Fittingly enough, after SamRo had words with HoHan, she went to dinner with Nicole. Right after dinner, SamRo dumped HoHan via text message and basically told her to stay out of her life FOREVER.

SamRo is really going to need to do better than that. A mean text message isn't going to keep HoHan from crawling into SamRo's bedroom window in the middle of the night and watching her sleep. If she knows what's good, SamRo will put Quween on the Scene on payroll!

And breaking up by text message doesn't count! It has to be done in person or by order of the court! SamRo should explore the latter option.

Yeah, right. These two drama lezzies will never be over. They will be eating each other's coochie tartare again this time tomorrow.