"Lindsay Lohan is psychotic" replaced "water is wet" as the #1 DUH statement of our time and Samantha Ronson's British socialite of a mother Ann Dexter-Jones wanted to remind us all of this.
The sloppy mash-up of Sarah Jessica Parker and Janice the Muppet tells The Daily Mail all about the night that she finally realized that LiLo and SamRo were about as good for each other as masturbating with a circumcised tree branch is for your coochie. Ann says that the year was 2008 and they were all at the opening of The Atlantis in Dubai when she shook her head as LiLo banged her fists on a thick carpet and no that isn't a euphemism for pussy bumpin'. Ann watched LiLo throw a toddler-style tantrum on the floor and the next day she let her daughter and that crazy crackie bitch know that she wasn't going to bless their lezzie version of Sid & Nancy anymore and her house was now a Lohan-free zone.
"Suddenly, without any warning, Lindsay flung herself on to the thick carpet and started to roll around screaming like a child. It seemed she was upset that people, including Samantha, were not paying her enough attention. To my mind, it was classic psychotic behavior. I took Lindsay aside and told her not to make a spectacle of herself. She was clearly out of control and spoiling for a fight.
I know stuff, but I don’t want to go into it. I just knew that it was not a good place for my child to be, but sometimes a parent’s objection only makes it more exciting. When I saw for myself just how volatile Lohan was, I realised that the relationship was not healthy. The morning after her tantrum – and believe me, that was not the worst of it – I told them both that I could no longer support them as a couple, that I no longer approved of them being together and that Lindsay was no longer welcome in my home."
This finally explains that picture. Ann Dexter-Jones isn't screaming, because she's so excited that someone is actually taking her picture. Ann Dexter-Jones is screaming, because just standing next to LiLo is painful and she wants to butt fuck her with that pack of Reds. Ann banishing a Lohan from her life was a good move for her family, just like bringing up her daughter's old relationship to sell her stupid jewelry collection is a good move for her family.
This is the perfect time to remember the good old days when LiLo was giving us the low-budget version of Sharon Stone in Casino:
Since SamRo has an album of off-key dog howls to sell, she's gotta get back out on the ho stroll to work it hard and that's where her former partner in pussy Lindsay Lohan comes in. It's been two years since SamRo and LiLo scissored the fleas off of each other, but just like a raggedy, beat down moth to a flamecrotch, they can't stay away from one another. While SamRo was in NYC promoting her album, she reunited with LiLo and apparently picked at the crusty, stank, oozing scab called "their love." A witness type told X17Online (via DM) that the lesbian Amy & Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake were touching on each other at a club called Le Baron on Tuesday night. This is what X17's source said about the tenth (or twelfth, or twentieth.. I lost count) coming of ManSay (or whatever their stupid couple name was):
"Lindsay and Sam were whispering and laughing and they left the club holding hands. They didn't care who saw them, and they definitely seem to be back on. It was just like the old days -- they couldn't get enough of each other!"
CORRECTION: It doesn't sound it was totally like the old days. In the old days, the night would've ended with a boozed and coked up Blohan throwing herself on the hood of SamRo's car after breaking several glasses in the bar because she thought she saw SamRo making clit flicking eyes at some cocktail waitress. But if X17 is telling the truth, I'm sure we'll hear about acts of romance like that in the next few days.
And since the 2008 tomb is wide open and all the ghosts are coming out, can we please get a visit from La Pequeña?! I've put her face on every leche carton. Instead of looking at some boring ass pictures of LiLo's lips trying to jump off of her face (see below), let's relive the panty creaming brilliance of La Pequeña.
Lady CaCa wishes she could bring it like that!
Lindsay Lohan's former partner in pussy is taking a break from making hundreds of thousands of dollars for pressing playing on iTunes at parties and is trying to the whole singing thing. I have no doubt that SamRo can press the fuck out of a play button on an iPod, but daaaamn her singing voice makes me wish she came with a mute button. SamRo's album "Chasing the Reds (An Ode To Period Sex)" is out now and she warbled out one of the songs on LIVE! With Kelly this morning. If you've ever told a lame dog that its soul-killing painful yelp is the worst thing that has ever touched your ears, then you need to send that lame dog an apology card. Because this shit is worst. SamRo getting a record tells me that every drunk frat boy who sounds like hell while singing a Bruno Mars song during karaoke night at the sports bar (you know who you are) should also get a record deal.
I was going to throw hate at Kelly Ripa for saying that SamRo's piece of shit song is going to be all the rage in bars, but then I realized that she's probably telling the truth. Whenever a bar is slow, they're going to put on this SamRo song and BOOM! Every ho in there will buy a shot of EVERYTHING and drink until the booze overflows up into their head and drowns out their sense of hearing.
Lindsay Lohan's former partner in pussy found herself smirking at the mug shot camera early this morning after she was arrested in Baker, CA (aka the gateway to Death Valley and home of the world's largest thermometer) for driving while in a state of drunk. That sound you hear is LiLo dropping her coke spoon to clutch at her fruit leather chest while saying, "Awww, she's trying to get closer to me."
TMZ says that at 10:30 this morning, SamRo was passing through Baker in her Porsche when the police pulled her over for speeding. SamRo DJ'd the night before at Lavo so the drunk probably hadn't settled yet. SamRo got an F- on a field sobriety test and then refused to blow on a Breathalyzer. (The cops should've known that SamRo is a muncher, not a blower. Rude of them!) They took SamRo down the station in Baker and gave her a Breathalyzer test there. SamRo blew over the legal limit. She was booked and later released.
SamRo is a dumb fuck douche (Wait. If you're a female douche, does that mean your vagina is self-douche-ing? Does that mean female douches smell like fish and chips and vinegar without the fish and chips?) for two reasons.
One: Driving drunk is some stupid shit, because it's stressful trying to operate a motor vehicle while drunk. It's disrespectful to the drunk experience! When drunk visits your body, you should savor it, love it, nurture it and hug it... You shouldn't stress it out! How dare that foot-faced asshole waste a perfectly good buzz by trying to drive a car! And you know, that whole "killing innocent people" thing isn't right either.
Two: When you get arrested for DUI in California, there's a good chance that you will be sentenced to alcohol education class and that means you'll probably find yourself sitting next to LiLo in one of those classes. Is SamRo's stupid ass trying to get stalked again? LiLo moved next door to SamRo, and now SamRo is moving into the desk next to LiLo's at booze education class. Seriously, most bitches in California don't drive drunk because they don't want to run into LiLo at the probation department. That really is a selling point for NOT committing a crime.
SamRo just... I can't with that bitch.
There was a rumor going around that SamRo and LiLo spent Valentine's Day together and might be bumping baginas again, but I took that with a grain of kitty litter masquerading as dirty coke. Lindsay Lohan will forever be the Alicia Silverstone to SamRo's Cary Elwes. SamRo will always find LiLo hiding out in her dirty laundry basket, sniffing her dildos for foreign pussy dust and trying to empty a wasps' nest into the vents when her new fuck partner is in the darkroom. It's just the way it is, but I didn't think SamRo would want to bring the crazy back into her life. But I guess she does.
TMZ posted a picture of SamRo and LiLo leaving a club early this morning while looking like they just snorting human brains. ZOMBIE HELL. And a few hours later, SamRo Tweeted the above Tweet. LiLo is a crazy bitch who stalked SamRo, broke out one of her windows, caused her family members to reach for a restraining order and she's still lounging to next to that inside/out Butterfinger? They must see episodes of The L-Word with flashes of the Northern Lights when they do it, because they are willing to go crazy for each other.
I'm sorry, but no pussy (or dick) is worth getting the words "nervous breakdown due to good pussy" scrawled on your mental health file. I think.
And while her little girl was passed out next to the Caucasian Skeletor, White Oprah was on Good Morning America for I don't even know. I guess when she made her pact with the devil, she agreed to terrorize the public with her face and delusions as much as possible. Here's White Oprah saying more of the same.
In case you don't want to watch the clip above because The Grudge has made you superstitious of dark-sided videos, here's a few things White Oprah covered:
On LiLo's advice to Charlie Sheen: "Just....get help."
On how she's morally correct: "My parents taught me well, just to live morally correct and be a good person. She's in Hollywood, she's under a microscope so it's a lot more difficult."
On how the media keeps trying to drag her family down: "God willing she won't go back to jail. It's not a happy moment for us. I really can't talk about the case, it's pending. We have great attorneys and the media makes it a lot worse than it really is. We stick to the facts. The media has gotten nothing wrong, it's just what you do."
On how George Stephanopoulos and the rest of the media keeps asking the wrong questions: "You're not focusing on her sobriety or how well she's doing. Nobody talks about the positive. Everyone just wants to knock you down."
On if LiLo's managers and agents are part of the problem: "We're working with her team. They're great people now. They are media experts. Lindsay is just a little girl who loves to work. I could care less if she does another movie. But you have to surround yourself with people who get the business."
On the mistakes she's made as a mother: "I'm learning as I go as well... You don't get a parent handbook. I'm a single mother of four kids and we're very close. It's been difficult and I can't say I have any answers but all we can do is love our kids and be there for them. And catch them when we fall. And instill what I've learned from my parents who have been married for 50 years."
On what LiLo wants: "Lindsay just wants everyone to leave us alone and let her live her life. Let her grow up. She's 24, and that's not young, she's a young woman. I just think...to just breathe."
When George ended the interview, White Oprah actually said something intelligent: "I have no idea what I just said."
At least that's what The Sun says SamRo told her friend who told The Sun. SamRo has already shaken her head NO to the rumor that she's got the remnants of Xtina's lead-based bronzer all over her hot pocket, but maybe she should tell that to her friend. Music producer Marlon David says Xtina, SamRo and an unnamed fuck partner had a threesome down in Mexico. And while SamRo was slurping on Xtina's tequila worm, she came (stop right there) to the realization that red lipstick don is a "hot piece of ass." Marlon opened his pie hole and spilled this out onto the floor of The Sun:
"Jordan was never comfortable with Xtina liking girls but he thought it would make the marriage work. Sam said she had a threesome with Xtina in Mexico last month, that's when she realized she was a 'hot piece of ass'. Sam said Xtina is 'horny as a college freshman'."
I realize that SamRo insists on posing like a douchebag frat boy who always feels like he has to overcompensate for the fact that he's not happy with his (NSFW) weeping willow foreskin, but does she have to talk like one to? I mean, "horny as a college freshmen"? And I bet that after she said that, she made Marlon smell her fingers since she hasn't washed them since Mehico. Okay, that made me swoon at the loins a bit. Ugh. I always fall for the douchebag frat boys. Even the douchebag frat boys with vaginas.
This story from Radar doesn't really come out and say that SamRo offered up her tongue for Xtina's weepy vag to cry on after her split from Bat Boy, but the source kind of insinuates this. Apparently, SamRo and Xtina's friendship became closer when the cave of true love Bat Boy shared with her collapsed into a million pieces. Xtina stopped trolling for chocha in gay bars and spent more time with SamRo instead. I swear, SamRo is the Captain Save-A-Ho of Hollywood .
The source went on to say this shit, "They've known each other forever and they're good friends. Samantha was in Mexico with Christina for Nicole's [Richie] bachelorette party. Christina and Sam grew closer as her marriage crumbled, and eventually Jordan found himself unnecessary in his wife's life."
Just because SamRo is wiping away Xtina's oily tears with a baby wipe dipped in Palmolive doesn't mean they're bumping baginas. And even if they are, it's for the best. I mean, the quickest way to stop crying through your eyes is to start crying panty pudding down below. The truth.
And the minute Lindsay Lohan gets out of rehab, she's gonna cut a bitch. Well, it's better than her cutting a line, right?
So far it's been an awful weeks for dogs and their admirers. Yesterday, my heart broken into a million sharp pieces that stabbed giant holes into my soul after I watched the (don't click unless you want your day completely ruined) worst video ever made. AND NOW THIS!
TMZ says that SamRo's pet bulldog Cadillac has been sent to live on the East Coast after he allegedly bit a 2-year-old Maltese named Tiger. No, Cadillac does not only eat pussy :( Tiger the Maltese later floated off to the great big velvet dog bed in the sky after she died from her injuries. Apparently, this isn't the first time Cadillac has attacked another dog in the building. Cadillac just got back from doggie behavior camp.
The attack happened yesterday morning at SamRo's apartment building in West Hollywood. SamRo was asleep when Cadillac bit at Tiger and Tiger's owner in the hallway. Neither dog was on a leash and nobody knows how Cadillac got out of SamRo's apartment. Animal Control showed up to investigate and after speaking with SamRo, they decided not to bring Cadillac in.
SamRo Tweeted her sadness about Tiger's death:
There is absolutely nothing I can say that will alter one minute of today, nothing. about 14 hours ago via web
I feel incredibly sad and wish I could offer more than condolences, unfortunately there are no words to describe how sorry I am.
about 13 hours ago via web
Tiger was also an up-and-coming doggy model! TMZ posted this picture of her at a charity event:
Rest in peace, Tiger
And in today's Twatter battles, we've got Joan Rivers melting in one corner and SamRo sitting in the other corner so mad that she could chew the dick off of David. It all started when Joan stepped up to the mic and made a few funny jokes about Lindsay Lohan's ridiculousness. Well, SamRo apparently thinks she's the only one who can point and laugh at LiLo, because she threw a "You so old the Museum of Natural History Museum wants to buy a lock of your pubic hair" joke at Joan Rivers.
This is what Joan wrote on her Twatter:
Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn't mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.
2:57 PM Jul 9th via web
Lindsay Lohan is so dumb. Her idea of being sworn in is cursing at the judge.
3:38 PM Jul 9th via web
I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 Proof.
3:44 PM Jul 9th via web
Lindsay Lohan had "Fuck You" painted on her nails. What people don't know is that the judge had "Eat me you party skank," painted on hers.
about 22 hours ago via web
And SamRo tried to double fan kick Joan in the taint with this:
Hey Joan Rivers- you have collagen older than Lindsay, pick on someone your own age, oh wait, I guess people that old can't hear. #bully
about 16 hours ago via web
Yes, it's true that Joan Rivers eardrums retired years ago and are now carpet bowling champions at a seniors community in Boca, but what does that have to do with her READING SamRo's Tweet? The dumb bitch! SamRo might have a point about Joan Rivers being older than Larry King's first cock ring, but she should save her strokes for something else (leave your suggestions here). Because Joan simply #doesntgiveafuck.
Lindsay Lohan's Twitter page is like an empty subway car on a Saturday night. There's always an incoherent crackie stumbling in to ramble away about something. It makes you want to put on your headphones and continue to pretend to read a book.
At around 2 this morning, Lindsay's numb fingers fought with her Blackberry keyboard to type out this Tweet about her ex-SamRo. According to Blohan, SamRo gave her a squirt to the face at a party. Isn't this how SamRo and Blohan usually greet each other? Who knows, but SamRo had this to say on her Twitter page. The non-plot thins:
Guess what didn't happen tonight......
about 5 hours ago via UberTwitter
OH, A GAME! Hm. Let's see, you didn't eat anything? You didn't kiss a peen? You didn't wash your underarms? You didn't play any good music? Am I getting warmer? Oh, wait, she's talking about spitting on Blohan.
Well, whoever spit on Blohan was just trying to do her a favor by giving her a bath. That's all. Blohan should really send them a thank you card.
Here's some thrilling pictures of Blo hiding her saliva site face while arriving at a club early this morning.