Prince Hot Ginge
You know those plastic swan favors you get at weddings that I always go on about? The ones that are usually filled with pastel Jordan almonds wrapped in white netting? You always take that plastic swan favor home and put it on your coffee table where it spends the next few months being a catcher for crap like cherry pits, peanut shells, loogie balls and random toe nails you find on the floor (sometimes they belong to me, sometimes my dog, sometimes I have no idea).
When you're forced to move after you fall behind on your rent and need to get into a new apartment before your landlord screws up your credit by reporting you to a collection agency, you even wrap that plastic swan favor in an old magazine sheet and bring it with you. You don't know why. It's like it hypnotized you with its little plastic eyes and is controlling you to drag it with you through life. Seriously, I have a menagerie of those useless bitches. And now I have another one: PIPPA MIDDLETON!
The royal wedding was a million years ago and Pippa Middleton, the human embodiment of a plastic swan favor, is still sitting on my coffee table staring at me like, "You're in it forever, whore." What's worse is that plastic swan favor is getting her own special on TLC called Crazy About Pippa. Who exactly is crazy about that bland bitch? Can they step forward, because I have a menagerie of plastic swan favors I'd like to beat them in the head with.
Of course, TLC is dragging the tingle in my loins that is Prince Hot Ginge into this. Radar says that in the special, some "insider" claims that one of PHG's nicknames for Pippa is "Foxy Filly." This fraudulent piece of non-information should inspire me to line up my menagerie of plastic swan favors, fill them with cold cauliflower mash (to represent Pippa's unflavored ass) and slap 'em all, but it doesn't. I walked away from that urge and instead decided to look up the true meanings of FOXY and FILLY. It massaged my jealous rage and opened up my third eye (it's winking at you). The definitions are:
adjective, fox·i·er, fox·i·est.
1. foxlike; cunning or crafty; slyly clever.
noun, plural -lies.
1. a young female horse.
Unlike the insane moron bitch who e-mailed me and said that my Prince Hot Ginge obsession should land me in a padded room where the color ginge does not exist, Dictionary.com does not tell lies. PHG is basically calling Pippa a shifty horse. And we all know that shifty horses are in CAHOOTS with plastic swan favors. Makes sense.
The happening of Pippa Middleton has stepped up its game since she became single and now it's added a new strain. Specifically, a ginger strain that causes rigor mortis in the nipples and leaks in the genitals. In news that is about as expected as me writing "leaks in the genitals," UsWeekly put Prince Hot Ginge and Pippa Middleton together on their cover this week. Now, I know this should make me bust into a flailing ball of rage and perform the one-bitch version of Falling Down in my own apartment (my dog will play the Robert Duvall role) but this is just one of those silicone chest cutlet covers! You know, on the outside they look like a pair of organic chichis sprouted from nature, but it's a different story on the inside.
Jezebel says that the outside of UsWeekly's cover screams OMGPIPPAANDHARRYAREFUCKING but on the inside it says that they've never been on a date and PHG is actually back with that South African sloppy slut Chelsy Davy! But this isn't going to stop tabloids from putting PHG and Pippa together without actually putting them together, so let me help them out by speeding this wishful thinking relationship up!
Issue Date: July 6, 2011
Cover headline: Prince Harry's Romantic Late-Night Movie Date With "Pippa"
Story: A source close to Prince Harry exclusively tells Us that the world's most eligible royal bachelor came home from the pub late one night and turned on the telly to find Pippi Longstocking playing. "Prince Harry was completely charmed by the movie and said that the name 'Pippi' sounds just like the name 'Pippa.' Harry said that he's going to call Pippa 'Pippa Longstocking' from now on. When he laughed, I could tell he was thinking about her," said the source. A rep for Pippa could not be reached for comment.
Issue Date: August 3, 2011
Cover headline: Inside Prince Harry & Pippa's Intimate Fantasy Wedding! "The bride looked gorgeous!"
Story: Prince Harry and Pippa Middleton stand side by side at a wedding....for their mutual friend's dogs! A witness tells Us, "At one point during the reception, the pug groom had a little accident on Prince Harry's arm. Pippa immediately grabbed a paper towel and cleaned it up for him. Pippa's hand lingered for a moment." E-mails and phone calls to the bride and groom's representatives were not returned by press time.
Issue Date: September 7, 2011
Cover headline: Prince Harry & Pippa's SHOCKING SPLIT!
Story: During a get together at Prince William and Duchess Catherine's apartment at Kensington Palace, Pippa Middleton ate a spoon full of Prince Harry's banana split. This was uncharacteristic for Pippa since there's been whispers among royal sources that she's lactose intolerant. "I was bored. It was a Friday. Leave me alone!," said the intern who wrote this story.
There we go!!! A date, wedding and break-up cover to take us through summer! Now we can go back to thinking Pippa is just a lispy Bostonian's way of saying pepper. And for those of us who know what's good, we can go back to fapping to Prince Hot Ginge without Pippa's face cock blocking us!
And now the media's hungry anuses really are going to fall off from the over-excitement of trying to make Pippa Middleton a thing we all care about, because she is officially single and ready to mingle with publicists who can set her up with famous dudes that will get her into the tabloids even more! I hope you like the taste of unflavored marmalade and stale crumpets, because the most boring lump of boring in Britain is really about to get shoved down our throats until we start shitting locks of shiny brown hair. The "MAKE PIPPA HAPPEN!!!" campaign is in overdrive! Actually, it's out of gas and we're all standing around with our arms crossed like, "Nope, I'm not pushing it to the nearest BP."
People that Duchess Kate's sister broke up with Alex Loudon who was her date to the royal wedding. A source says that Pippa and Alex are still friends and it's "common knowledge in their close circle of friends that Pippa and Alex have recently split up." Pippa has already been seen doing the photo op stroll with her ex-boyfriend George Percy who's the son of the Duke of Northumberland.
This is the thing, I'm sure Pippa Middleton is a lovely and pleasant bowl of oatmeal and I respect her hustle, but we already have a Blake Lively and we don't need another one! If you dipped Blake Lively's hair into brown paint and slapped a British accent on her tongue, she'd still be Blake Lively! There's only enough Zzzzzzzzs in the world for one Blake Lively!
And I can't leave you with a picture of Pippa's basic ass, so here's a flambe in the form of Prince Hot Ginge's nipples at a polo match. The media is obviously going to try to put Pippa and PHG together but it's not going to happen in real life. PHG loves his hos the same way I love my lemonade: freckled, sour and full of vodka.
Prince Hot Ginge, Prince William, Duchess Kate, Prince Philip and Camilla all gathered together to celebrate Queen Elizabeth: The Sequel's official birthday (which technically is in April) by doing what they do best: smiling and waving while riding in a carriage.
The professional waver and smilers rode through Central London today before they ended up on a balcony where they continued to wave and smile as their subjects. They also busted into a pose that was just begging for a Fergie-loving pigeon to drop a shit bomb on their perfect layer of gleaming white Chiclets. Damn you, pigeons! You disappoint us all.
But someone that didn't disappoint, FOR ONCE, was Kate Middleton. Kate wore a bowl hat on her head that is perfect for carrying condoms, a litter of orphan kittens, bountiful amounts of fruit and couples' keys at a key party. Kate definitely had the hat of the day, but Prince Philip's bear dick hat and Prince Hot Ginge's Troop Beverly Hills beret were a close second and third.
The Mirror broke its oath to always tell the truth by publishing this headline today: "Prince Harry chats up gym buddy Cameron Diaz"
My initial reaction to this charbroiled turnover of lies is best expressed through this GIF:
After I stopped my heart from attacking itself by shooting Pinot into its veins, I read the rest of the fan fiction The Mirror came up with after getting stoned on red weed. The voices in their heads say that while Cameron Diaz is filming the movie Gambit in the UK, she's keeping up the six-pack on her ass cheeks for A-Rod by working out at some super fancy and exclusive gym. This is the same fancy and exclusive gym where Prince Hot Ginge apparently works out. You know where this is going so I'll just let this source take it from here:
"Since first clocking one another and saying hello, they have coincided visits on two further occasions. During the second one, they were pounding along on adjacent treadmills and Harry cheekily nudged-up Cameron’s speed dial, suggesting a one kilometer race. Cameron agreed... and won. They have become pretty friendly – Harry even invited his new gym buddy out drinking with him and his Sloaney chums.”
If that quote was a Billy Idol song, it would be called LIES WITHOUT A FACE! The Mirror is really trying to make me believe that a mere mortal like Cameron Diaz was next to a sweaty Prince Hot Ginge and she never stopped to get a jar so she could collect his salty pore nectar to bathe in later? That's what anybody would do. The Mirror also wants me to think that Prince Hot Ginge would actually be seen with a raggedy, Dorito-faced, droopy-eyed womp womp bitch? Oh, wait. Shit. God save this queen because I'm about to have a heart attack sequel.
It all makes sense now. When I blacked out yesterday afternoon for a few minutes, it wasn't because I used NyQuil as a mixer. It was because somebody finally heard my prayers and put me in the body of the lucky bitch beast who got a giant serving of YES on its back at some polo match. This is some Freaky Friday shit!
The shock of Prince Hot Ginge's fiery crotch scepter and orbs dry fucking my spine must've erased my memory of this, but this picture is proof that I switched bodies with his horse for a quick second. Because if Prince Hot Ginge was about to smack me in the nalgas while riding me hard, this is the EXACT look I'd make. My eyes would scream "Dear Orgasm, it's me Michael, I'm coming for you!" My nostrils would flare up to the size of my no-no! And I'd definitely bite hard on an imaginary pillow. Yup, that was me.
It also explains why I woke up with straw shit all over my floor and naked Trace Cyrus pictures on my monitor.
But my Photoshop does not want to play nice. It keeps crashing and I have a sneaking suspicion it's because it doesn't want to break royal protocol by taking an active role in all the foolish things I'm going to do this picture. When Prince Hot Ginge opens his mouth wide to scream "MOVE YOUR BLOOMIN' ASS" at a derby, my Photshop's hands go up while mine go down. The Queen knows what I'm talking about and she wish she didn't. I will go to TJ Maxx today and find a pocketbook that looks just like The Queen's. Then I will smack myself with said pocketbook as punishment.
PHG joined Prince William, Duchess Kate, Princess Eugenie, Princess Bea, The Queen and this slut at the Epsom Derby today. The Queen's horse technically came in third place, but after she ordered first place and second place to the glue factory, it was given the top prize. But I feel like I won the top prize thanks to all these pictures of PHG making pre, during and post orgasm faces. Prince William's top hat also gets a prize for taking his hotness levels up a few notches by hiding the dried crabgrass garden on his head.
Fuck the whole "future King and Queen of England" shit, these two really have an amazingly successful career in dental poster modeling ahead of them. Look at all those teefs! So big! So many of them! Prince William and Duchess Kate are straight up teeth hoarders and I don't even mind. This is obviously all part of the royal family's campaign to dispel the stereotype that all Brits have teeth like a meth-ey llama who brushes with a chainsaw. It's working!
You know how Prince Charles told Camilla that he wants to be reincarnated as her tampon? Well, I want to be reincarnated as Prince William's floss. Actually, I really want to be reincarnated as Prince Hot Ginge's Radiant Red Daily Pube Shampoo, but Prince William's floss is my second choice.
Above is Prince and Princess Teefs on the cover of Vanity Fair, because they aren't nearly on the cover of enough magazines even though every grocery store checkout looks like a stalker's altar to the royal family. And below is the Blake Lively of England, Pippa Middleton, at the French Open yesterday.
Last night with my hot dog and fries dinner, I had an itty bitty, thimble-sized margarita that even Andy Dick wouldn't dignify with a gulp. It was offensive to alcoholics and I'm sure the margaritas at the Smurf's bar are bigger than that shit I drank last night. A flea's cum shot has more liquid than my margarita last night. You get it. Well, my dog must've switched the tequila with roofie syrup again, because this morning I feel like I should have a chalk outline around me. Not many things hurt my feelings, but getting a hangover from one margarita like I'm a teetotaling fetus is one of them. Just shameful and embarrassing to admit.
So that is why I WAS grateful to this precious and beautiful picture of Prince Hot Ginge looking up a pair of puppy nostrils while grabbing at his royal crotch. This fine portrait was taken at a polo match in Ascot, Berkshire yesterday afternoon.
This picture made me want to call in sad to my boss (aka YOU) and ask for the day off ("You get to call people 'dumb bitches" for a living. And you get to do it while lounging on your sofa in dirty sweats! Suckitup and get me a cup of hot roofie nectar, toots!" - You) so that I could bring up this picture on my iPhone and cuddle with it under the covers. I was all ready to do this, but then as I kept going through the pictures I came across one that turned my "awwww" into an "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".
Now I know what kind of emotions went through Alicia Silverstone when she watched Cary Elwes get affectionate with his girlfriend in The Crush. That Sienna Miller of puppies is basically daring me to lock it in a dark room with a bunch of bees.
Charlize Theron was there and you don't see her throwing me a "BITCH I GOT YOUR GINGE" look! Who knew that a heartless homewrecker could be so adorable? Let me take a sip of your hot roofie syrup, because my chalk outline needs another coat
With everyone's idol Flower Girl Grace trying to stop the madness with her hands and this picture of Prince Hot Ginge checking up on his royal scepter, I can say with complete confidence that there's nothing more to see here. Our work here is done! If you don't believe me, stick a thermometer in my no-no to be sure. Yeah, you probably won't ever see it again, but by the off chance you do, you'll see that whatever Royal Wedding fever shit I was suffering from is now gone! I must now focus my energy on trying to find a coffin whose interior goes perfectly with the picture above. Don't act like you didn't know I was going to bond this picture to the inside of my coffin door so that I can ride it to the underworld. I like to plan ahead.
So with that, the party is over! Grab a centerpiece and fill your purse with plastic swans and Jordan Almonds before that sneaky shifty ginger Fergie crawls in to snatch 'em all for her eBay business. And since we're on the subject of that mess Fergie, I also threw in some pictures of her daughters Princess Eugenie and Beatrice looking like they just fell out of the Big Business costume closet. The good thing is that Princess Beatrice's hat will be donated to a middle school science class so that they can see what real life intestines look like.