Prince Hot Ginge

Not pictured: The dozens of hands coming for Karolina Kurkova's blond ponytail. Somebody needed to yank that ginge-stealing hussy tramp's hair and drag her away for shamelessly air kissing on Prince Hot Ginge in front of all of us. And if we could see Karolina Kurkova's face, you know she'd be saying, "And he's anointing me with his scepter too, you jealous whores," with her eyes. It's like eating warm hot carrot bread in front of a starving orphan.

The clouds are covering the sun, millions of genitals have gone into hibernation and we can all put our lube with SPF away, because Prince Hot Ginge has finished scooting across America and is going back to England today. The last stop on PHG's tour was a charity polo match in Greenwich, Connecticut yesterday afternoon.

It's a sad day in America, but PHG will be back in a few months for the birth of his quadruplets with Karolina Kurkova (yes, air kissing with PHG immediately leads to a severe case of the BABIES!!) and the birth of his ginger centaur baby with the horse he rode in yesterday's match (yes, PHG can knock up a horse even when he rides it with protection).

And Karolina Kurkova should shellac the inside of her nostrils, because she's obviously inhaling a huge PHG fart here. Never wash your nose again, KK.

Hold my calls and shut the blinds, because I know what I'm doing the rest of the day.

Dozens of people in Colorado Springs, CO were temporarily blinded and struck down with the sudden urge to repeatedly orgasm today when Prince Hot Ginge's ass and legs went up in the air during a game of sit down volleyball with wounded service members at the Warrior Games today. The gloriousness was too much for some people's retinas. PHG can still makes b-holes pucker even when he looks like a gleeful bottom spider having missionary anal sex with an imaginary top spider. To quote Bill Murray in Groundhog Day: "It's so beautiful....let's live here!"

And here's the video of PHG going ass up and legs out today:

Johnny Cash must've been a future seer, because I'm pretty sure PHG's piping hot culo was his real inspiration for Ring of Fire. And it burns, burns, burns...

PRINCE HOT GINGE HAS COME (and so have all of us) TO AMERICA! The American air is now infused with royal gingerness, so breathe it in.

Prince Hot Ginge is in the US for 8 days, which means we can all expect to see pictures of him sunbathing naked on the White House lawn with Joe Biden, doing body shots off of John Boehner with Helen Thomas and being the freckled meat in an Obama freak dance sandwich on the dance floor. But before he does all that, PHG is doing some serious charity work stuff. For part of his first day in DC yesterday, he spent time with kids of military families at an even horning military mothers.

Yeah, PHG loves the chirrun and the chirrun love him. He's like SpongeBob SquarePants if SpongeBob SquarePants had the face of a ginger adonis, hair like Zeus' pubes and took his pants off every time he got drunk on vodka. A reader sent me these pictures and was like, "I love a ginger who's great with kids." I love a man who is great with kids too. If I wanted kids, I'd find a man who loved kids, because then his ass can deal them while I get drunk by myself in the other room.

Another reason to love PHG.

But more importantly, why didn't they paint the White House ginger to honor this important historic occasion?!

Some people thought that Duchess Kate would birth out a future queen named Diana Elizabeth Jodie (as in "Jodie Marsh" as in the true Queen of England) after she supposedly spit out the news on accident a couple of months ago, but Prince Hot Ginge is telling hos something else. The Mirror says that PHG is running his ginger mouth and telling everybody that a future king will slip out of Duchess Kate's vagina royale and not a future queen.

My guess is that PHG let a heavy stream of the sweet nectar trickle down his throat and when that happens, he either starts spilling all the royal family secrets or he pulls his panties off and does the dick slappy dance for a bunch of hos. Sadly, he did the former instead of the latter and is telling everyone that he's going to get a nephew. Some source said this:

“Harry has been telling everyone Wills and Kate are having a boy and how thrilled he is at the prospect of having a little nephew. He said the whole family were excited about it. Apparently Kate has always wanted a boy. They’re really working hard on baby names now and think they have it sorted. But they won’t reveal anything to ­anyone – not even Harry. Of course, Harry’s been making up crazy suggestions and winding them up too. The close inner circle all know that it’s a boy and they’re busily buying gifts with a boy theme. There will be an awful lot if blue in their house.”

People shouldn't be wondering if Duchess Kate is going to pop out a boy or a girl or a giant set of teefs with no genitals. What people should be wondering is if the ginger gene that blessed PHG is going to bless Prince William's kid too, because that's the only thing that matters. The world has enough kings and queens (see: the line in front of the check-in counter at the Scientology VIP bath house), but it can never have too many gingers.

I guess Prince Hot Ginge doesn't need to get drunk in Las Vegas to pull his wand out and play with it. Sometimes he does it in the middle of the day. As Duchess Kate laughed and thought to herself, "Watching Harry play with his wand is actually my job. I love life!," Prince William smiled to keep himself from crying while he wondered why she's not smiling at his wand. What's wrong with his wand?!!!

Prince William, Duchess Kate (with a half-blood prince in her womb) and PHG went to the inauguration of Warner Bros. Studios in Leavesden, Hertfordshire today and they visited several Harry Potter sets, jumped on the Bat Bike from The Dark Knight Rises and got a wand lesson. The three of them looked like Ron, Hermione and Harry: The Later-ish Years.

And I take back that Prince William thing I wrote in the first paragraph. He's not wondering why Kate isn't happy to see his wand. He's looking at his wand and wondering what the hair growing spell is. Is it Propecius Groweth? Or maybe it's Cha-Cha-Cha-Chia?

Here's more of PHG, DK and PW at Warner Bros. today. It's nice to see Kate wearing something from the Big Business maternity collection.

Yes, I moved my brows up and down while writing that headline.

When Prince Hot Ginge visited the North Pole a couple of years ago, his piping hot nalgas melted all of the ice and all that's left of it is a tiny ice cube floating on an icy cold ocean. And now he's about to do the same thing to the South Pole. PHG announced today in London that the penguins of the South Pole are all going to get major lipstick this November, because he's going to race across Antarctica. The Walking with the Wounded South Pole Allied Challenge will start in November and end in December. PHG will join one of three teams of wounded veterans and they'll all race to the South Pole. PHG said this to reporters today:

"The aim remains the same. To enable our wounded servicemen and women to do what they do better than anyone else I know. To meet a challenge head on and inspire others to do the same. We are not allowed to officially call it a race, but I think we all know what will happen. These men and women have given their all in the cause of freedom. That they should once again step into the breach, this time facing down the extreme mental and physical challenges of trekking to the South Pole just underlines their remarkable qualities. Toughness of mind; an unquenchable spirit that refuses to say 'I am beaten'."

Note to self: Go on your credit card's website today and check to see if charging your rent, your taxes and everything else earned you enough miles to get you to Antarctica. Because when PHG takes off all his panties while playing strip billiards with the sluttier penguins, I want to be there.

The U.S. is finally getting another dose of its favorite pastime faptime sport: watching Prince Hot Ginge get dick-out naked for a game of nude ass billiards! The streets of New Jersey, NYC, Connecticut, DC and Colorado Springs will all be covered with a river of genital juices this May, because PHG is coming for a visit.

St. James Palace announced this morning that starting on May 9th, some of you lucky whores will be breathing in the air that PHG's crotch carrot exhales out. The third in line to the throne and the first in line to my b-hole will start his American tour by making an appearance at the 2013 Warrior Games in Colorado Springs. I'm going to take a Peter Pan Bus to Colorado Springs, cover my body with suction cups and stick myself to PHG. Once his royal guards pry me off, he will then make his way to New Jersey to visit the victims of Hurricane Sandy. PHG will then visit a landline clearance exhibition on Capitol Hill and he'll show up to a charity event in NYC. PHG will end his American tour at the Sentebale Polo Cup in Greenwich, Conn.

UsWeekly says that this is strictly a business trip and don't expect him to get his nipples out while drunkenly partying with some hos. PHG's press secretary said, "Prince Harry wants to highlight once again the extraordinary commitment and sacrifice of our injured servicemen and women."

PHG is coming on May 9th, which gives us a little over a month to hypnotize his piece Cressida Boners into making the biggest mistake of her life by dumping him. Then PHG will have to honor the solemn oath he drunkenly made to a random stranger in front of a club on the streets of London. He'll have to go gay. I better call the Warrior Games and ask them how much it'll cost me for them to tattoo my Grindr username on the forehead of every athlete that PHG's supposed to meet.

I didn't even read the whole story. I don't know the context. I don't want to know the context. The only thing I need to know is how much can I sell all my stuff for? How much do I need to pay Cressida Bonas off to go away? How much is a one-way ticket to London? How can sneak my dog past customs without his ass ending up in quarantine? ("Um, Michael, I'm pretty sure you'll be the one who ends up in quarantine."- you) Because I will sit in front of Buckingham Palace and refresh Grindr until Prince Hot Ginge's profile comes up. You heard PHG. He's going to go gay once his relationship (or whatever you want to call it) with Cressida goes south. If he's lying, that's a highly illegal royal offense (not really) and he should be sent to the dungeon for life! To really punish him, put him in the same cell as me, because I'll be there for smuggling my dog into the country. It's the perfect plan!

(Thanks, Sara!)

Here's Prince Hot Ginge busting out some sweet white boy moves with the children at the Kanenelo Centre for the Deaf and meeting the students at the St. Bernadette School for the Visually Impaired in Lesotho. PHG was at those schools on behalf of his charity and the photographers were there to take pictures of PHG being there on behalf of his charity, but I wish that the photographers and him would do an act of charity for me.

I wish PHG would recreate these poses in front of a green screen by himself. It would make my life a whole easier and my copy of Photoshop would thank him. Then I could easily drop in the background of my choice (a waterfall of dildos, duh)  and drop in a picture of me wearing a "CRESSIDA WHO?!" tank top.

PHG obviously knows my pain, because here he is making a "please don't let some degenerate piece of loser trash Photoshop a dildo in my mouth in the picture I took while wearing a hot pink apron" face.

Too late! I'll send him a wallet-sized copy.

This past summer, I waived Cressida Bonas away when she was spotted getting on Prince Hot Ginge at a club in London. Just like that wart on my taint, I didn't think Cressida would stick around for long. And just like that wart on my taint, she came back and it doesn't look like she's leaving anytime soon. Cressida Boner really showed me to not underestimate her skills at luring the hot ginger one, because here she is snuggling up to his ass on a ski slope in Switzerland yesterday.

I know, how can Prince Hot Ginge canoodle with a chick named after a mid-size Toyota sedan in public, in front of the cameras, in front of our eyes! How can a hot ginge be so cold? I want to scream the same thing my ex-boyfriend's mother screamed at him when he brought me home for dinner, "How dare you bring your WHORE into my house?!" The audacity! But whatever, that is just the jealousy talking.

I mean, look at this bitch's life. After a long day of skiing with PHG, she gets to warm her frozen hands on his piping hot flaming dick bush. Then after warming her frozen hands on his piping hot flaming dick bush, she gets to sip tea while the Original Fergie gives her the juice about THE QUEEN. Then after the Original Fergie gives her the juice about THE QUEEN, she gets to burn her tongue on PHG's stovetop nalgas. The life: she is living it!

But The Mirror and their insiders are wrong for calling her "the one." Unless she's a puppy wrangler who shoots vodka from her butt and can beatbox the European house song of his choice on command, she's not the one.