Fug

Now I know why my abuelita thinks public displays of affection are sucio and should be illegal. Hand me a petition, and I'll sign it in blood that came pouring out of my eye holes when I first saw these pictures of Brittany Murphy kissing on her screenwriter/conman husband Simon Monjack at LAX today.

Aw. I shouldn't dry heave all over their love. They look happy (?). I mean, Simon is kissing on Brittany like she's a Twinkie Casserole. And she's kissing him back like he's a Collagen needle, so that's all that matters.

However, that poor dog is about to stage her own death.

Do Alien Princess RiRi, Woody Woodpecker and Becks all have the same hair butcher? All signs point to: YES!

Becks debuted his brand new "Attack of the Flowbee" haircut during an L.A. Galaxy game last night in Carson, CA. I don't know whether I want to give his new haircut a cracker or release it into a bird sanctuary. OR BOTH.

Obviously, there's only one way to fix this. Becks has to walk through life totally topless. Only his nipples can distract from that maimed cockatoo on his head.

That being said, I'd still scoot on that mess.

It's nice to see that Andre Agassi's old wig is still getting work these days. It really brings out the "dopey" in Derek Jeter's eyes, right? Anyway, here's Jeter on Coney Island today shooting a cameo as a homeless dude in Marky Marky and Will Ferrell's new movie The Other Guys.

Derek Jeter as a homeless man is really fucking ironically hilarious (embrace the sarcasm), because in real-life he could buy hundreds of homeless people to take turns plucking his ass hairs out one by one. Actually, that's really depressing. Let's just go back to pointing and farting on that mop of cat tails on his head.

And duh, I'd even hit that shit from the front while wearing that gutter ass wig.

At a Rolling Stone party in NYC last night, Shakira was the latest ho to prove that dreadlocks are really not for everyone. Dreadlocks should have to approved by a committee of professionals, because these pictures immediately made me think of this:

And then that thought traveled down a terrible tunnel which landed me on this:

If some bitch brought up John Travolta in Battlefield Earth and my hair in the same sentence, I'd immediately induce a "Britney shaving her head" moment. If there weren't clippers nearby, I'd get a serious bull butchie to pretend it's a hairy snatch and chew it off. MAN DOWN CODE 10!

56-year-old Shirley Rae Dieu of Irvine, CA went to Dr. Phil for therapy (mistake number one), but says she left his office more fucked up than when she got there. Yesterday, Shirley filed a lawsuit in Los Angeles claiming that during her therapy session with Dr. Phil in 2007, he molested her left booby, forced her to stare at a live nekkid man and refused to let her leave his Hollywood office. Basically, it sounds like a nightmare directed by David Lynch.

In the documents, Shirley says Dr. Phil brainwashed her by making her watch "tapings depicting her as a different personality other than her own." And about that nekkid dude thing, Shirley says Dr. Phil "forced her to be in the same room with a completely live naked man while he exposed his entire naked body, genitals and all."

Dr. Phil kept her captive in his office, and when she tried to get out of there, his staff stopped her. They also refused to let her sleep or eat. Shirley tells People that another woman is going to join her lawsuit. Shirley is asking for cash money, but the specific amount is not known yet.

Shirley is no stranger to suing a bitch. In 2002, she sued a hospital for malpractice. Two years ago, she also sued a car dealership. According to People, Shirley is acting as her own attorney.

Look at that face. If that face was looking at you while his hand was on your booby, you'd never recover. You would develop instant-cataracts, foam at the mouth uncontrollably and probably live under your backyard deck. I wouldn't be able to talk, let alone file a lawsuit. However, this is Dr. Phil she's talking about, and he's the skeeziest skeeze who ever skeezed, so let's believe it.

And what the fuck with the live (as opposed to dead) nekkid man thing? If that's what Dr. Phil considers therapy, make me a damn appointment.

Karl Lagerfeld and Donatella Versace have nothing to worry about, because it looks like they are still the top constipated zombies in fashion. Blohan's debut collection for Ungaro failed to make some of the critics jizz in their chonies. Blohan didn't actually design any of this shit, she was merely the "artistic adviser." I'm guessing it means she was in charge of cutting the lines and making sure the cokepants could at least store a gram.

WWD called the collection, designed by Estrella Archs, a complete "embarrassment." They also said, "As for the clothes, they looked cheesy and dated, as has often been the case during chez Ungaro’s post-Emanuel revolving door of designers. Hot pink, orange and flashy, with an overworked heart motif relentless in its execution, the collection displayed none of the promised younger side Lohan was supposed to deliver. Nor in a million years would one guess that the lineup was designed by one young woman and 'creative directed' by another. Glitter heart pasties all around, ladies? For Lohan, she’ll weather the criticism, hardly her first or her juiciest, and move on when her contract allows. But Archs has her work cut out for her. Backstage after the show, she said the collection 'had to be designed very quickly.' Perhaps that was the problem. This storied house has been in disarray for years, and though Archs’ debut provided no indication that she’s up to the challenge, she should be given the chance to find out without a younger, non-skilled judge with theoretical veto power hovering about."

You know, I actually like these whore clothes, because it looks like it was something that came out of the vagina of the 1980s. I mean, if a grown-up Rainbow Bright fell on hard times and had to peddle her wares on the ho stroll, she'd wear this shit for sure. Give me pasties, bare titties, almost exposed crotch areas and I'm happeh!

As for Blohan's face/lips situation, there's really nothing more to say. Blohan is making Courtney Love look like a pure teardrop from the eye of a virgin angel. Just hit Ctrl+Alt+BITCHLOOKSBEAT.

The human (that's debatable) version of a Hot Topic bobble head, Marilyn Manson, will have to spend a few days resting in his coffin because he says he has the swine flu. Yeah, better late than never, I guess.

Marilyn said, "So I have officially been diagnosed, by a real doctor, with THE SWINE FLU. I know everyone will suggest that fucking a pig is how this disease was obtained. However, the doctor said, my past choices in women have in no way contributed to me acquiring this mysterious sickness. Unfortunately, I am going to survive.”

I would never suggest that Marilyn got it by boning a pig. However, I would suggest that he got it from doing massive amounts of oral with chocolate covered bacon, chicharrónes, Honey Baked ham and pig pie.

VIA Prefix Magazine

There are some tattoos that you just want to lick and rub your nipples on (ADMIT IT). And there are some that you just want to hiss at and throw holy water at it. Ed Westwick's new tattoos fall under the latter category.

Ed posted pictures of two ENORMOUS ink skidmarks he got on each arm. One is a feather, which I'm guessing means he's light as feather (gay) and stiff as a board (always horny for peen). The other tattoo is a half-nekkid pin-up which is Ed's way of saying "I LOVES VAGINAZ." Yup, doesn't work. Especially when the look on his face is saying, "PUT A DICK ON MY FOREHEAD."

First of all, try to control yourself. I know Phil Spector's mug shot always makes you want to run out to the nearest costume shop, buy a Scrooge mask, boil it for 5 hours, let it cool and then wet hump it until you go raw....but you must resist. Just this time.

So...600-year-old Phil Spector is currently in the chokey for murdering Lana Clarkson. Phil is crying about the conditions and wants them to do something about it! Dude already wears a diaper, so it's no surprise that he's acting like a baby.

Phil is being moved out of the California Substance Abuse Treatment Facility & State Prison after he told officials that he feels like bitches are going to kill his ass in there. When Phil was told they were moving him to the Pleasant Valley State Prison in Coalinga, he freaked out again and said the place is riddled with Valley Fever. Apparently, 16 inmates died at the prison from Valley Fever within the past 4 years. Phil think he's next.

Phil's trophy wife is also whining for him and she told Page Six, "They are sending Phil there to die. He is scared to death. When I saw him on Saturday, he was shaking . . . He's 70 years old and 130 pounds . . . We are trying to appeal over this, but he's been told he has no time. He's already been given his bus pass out of Corcoran."

The prison officials should show Phil what's it's really like to suffer and throw him in a jail cell filled with mirrors. Seriously, I'd rather spend the rest of my life locked in one of the houses on Hoarders than have to look at that face of fugness every single day. Phil would be begging for a lethal injection shot up the ass in no time.

Jon Grosslin's douche express made a stop over in Las Vegas yesterday so that he could host a pool party at Wet Republic at the MGM Grand. Even if MGM paid his ass in Ed Hardy diapers, a pair of CZ studs from Spencer's Gifts and a new potted plastic plant (for Hailey), then they still overpaid. MGM could've just put a lukewarm bottle of Summer's Eve on one of the lounge chairs and it would've been the exact same thing.

IN THIS ECONOMY, a check is a check, but what the hell is next for J.Gross? A rap album (Titled: 99 Problems and Kate is all of them)? A Girls Gone Wild video? Ick Nast. But at least Jon kept his Pillsbury dough moobs under wraps, so that was nice of him.

But enough about Jon and his neverending early mid-life crisis, let's talk about the glamorous beauty that is his mother! Now that Kate's rabid possum isn't around to maul her eyeballs, it's safe for her to come out and douche it up with her son!

Look at Mama Gosselin keeping it sessy in her visor while posing with the fly honeys (copyright: Marky Mark). Speaking of the fly honeys, the one posing with Mama Gosselin in the third thumbnail below is squeezing those thighs for dear life, because I think bitch's little friend is about to steal the spotlight. Tuck game FAIL! Squeeze, bitch, squeeze!