TomKat

These are the pictures from Tommy Girl roasting Matt Lauer in NYC the other night. Tommy better have doubled-up on his big boy panties, because you know the ass pudding was a flowin' when he hugged Matt. Tommy was barfing from his ass and peen holes. Tommy is so giddy that he wants to jump on that table, punch the air and scream, "YES! YES!" Matt is doing his best to hold it together, but he was probably really uncomfortable when Tommy's wet Scientolorod tried to kiss at his private area.

Tommy Girl sashayed to the Hilton Hotel in NYC today for Matt Lauer's Friar Club Roast. Tommy was probably embarrassed when he walked in wearing his little sailor boy outfit and carrying his lucky heated anal probe. Sadly, he didn't really understand what they meant by "roasting Matt Lauer."

Tommy turned his frown upside down, put on his big boy clothes and took the stage anyway. He's such a good sport. UsWeekly reports:

"Matt and I talk two, three, four times a day," Cruise, 46, joked during the Friar Club Roast at the New York Hilton Hotel.

Cruise also jokingly blamed Lauer for Katie Couric decision to leave the Today show to go to CBS. The actor also made fun of Lauer's day job. "I get to go from international locations to movie sets to more international locations to movie sets," Cruise said. "You have found happiness doing the same thing every day. You sit on a couch all day and interview the car from Knight Rider and cook radishes with Rachael Ray!"

Before he stepped off stage, he snipped, "I can't believe I flew all the way out here...lose my number, you glib putz."

"Why don't you sit down?" Lauer shot back. "We'll get you a booster seat!"

AHAHA! That Tommy Girl is a tiny bag of laughs! He probably leaves his best girlfriend John Travolta in stitches! No, I'm serious. He really leaves him in stitches. Tommy's heated anal probe is no joke.

Since that whole "making movies" thing really isn't working out for Tommy, he should grab his joke writer and join The Queens of Comedy!

Drop everything! Everything needs to be put on hold now. This is major news. Why isn't CNN covering this? Why hasn't there been a press conference about this international development? Why can't we hear the aliens singing this news through the universe?

Anywhocares, Suri Cruise's bangs were practically dragging on the ground, so it looks like Tommy Girl finally programmed Stepford Katie to take their little doll down to the haircutters. Or maybe Tommy used his safety scissors to give Suri the Ramona Quimby. You know he keeps that book in the shitter. It makes him giggle. He thinks that Ramona is so "NEAT!" And he totally punches the air when he says "NEAT!"

And some of you have pointed out that Suri is running around without a jacket or some shit. It seems like it's always summertimes in Suri's world. Well, that's because it is! Tommy Girl had a special temperature-controlled bubble made just for Suri! He got the blueprint from his main concubine Johnny Travolta. See, that explains why it's always 80-degrees for Suri!

Here's Suri, that woman and some creepy bodyguard-type in NYC's Central Park today.

Please stock up on Easy Mac, Count Chocula and Astrolglide, because I might be coming over for a lengthy visit soon. You see, Tommy Girl is taking over the East Village part of Manhattan! T

Page Six reports that in the last two months Tommy Girl has bought up several apartments in his East Village building. When Tommy and his lil' robots came to town, they set up camp in a 10th floor apartment he's owned since the 80s. They decided they needed to expand, so he bought 4 more apartments.

A source said, "They turned one into Suri's playroom. One they use for a gym, and two apartments are for staff. They're all separate and on different floors. Tom is seen coming in and out all the time, and he's really friendly to everyone he meets. But Katie just kind of keeps her head down. Everyone in the neighborhood is buzzing about it."

This is how it starts. Soon Tommy will own the whole building and then another and another and another... Before you know it the neighborhood be filled with robots, alien fuckers and repressed homos with hungry genitals. Wait. Repressed homos are a sure thing, right? What am I thinking?! If I suck Scientolocock, the aliens win! E.T. will never get me!

Katie Holmes left her NYC alien hive this morning looking like the crazy crackie on my block who always want to know if I can give her money for a "hot dog." I'm sure that's code for "I'll suck yo dick for a dolla," so I just ignore her and keep walking.

Kate has some kind of situation going on in the teeth area. There's probably easy explanation for this. Tommy Girl was getting his beauty rest in his boudoir, when Katie was feeling a little lonely so she decided to lick his Scientolorod. Tommy's peen isn't used to female lips, so it jumped and accidentally knocked her tooth out. Or maybe, Suri finally had enough and slapped her in the teeth after Katie tried to put another doll's dress on her ass.

Naw, her tooth probably had enough of her haggard ass so it decided to hit the road for less fucked up pastures. It's currently on a waiting list to join Kiki Dunst's band of jacked up teeth.

Methinks this was Tommy Girl's plan from the beginning. Trap some naive girl, get her to sign a few paper and slowly begin the transformation from girl next door to the doppleganger power top of his dreams. In a few months, she'll have a 12-inch dick and giant Chiclet teeth. You'll know the cloning is complete when you hear her use the word "glib" at least once in a sentence.

Here's mini-Tommy and full-size Tommy leaving a Hermes party in NYC last night.

Suri Cruise was forced to pose in yet another photo-op with her evil alien warlord daddy in the East Village part of NYC yesterday when she tried to make a run for it! She should have just kicked him in the vagina bone.

Don't get your robot hopes down, Suri. You'll be taller than Tommy Girl in a couple of years and you can try again then.

Homegirl was trying to run to the nearest clothing store so she can change out of that American Girl doll dress and buy a sweater or something. Maybe I'm just talking caca like usual and she's not freezing cold. Does barley water warm your blood?

Here's more of Tommy Girl and Suri posing for the paps yesterday. Tommy might as well set up a damn photo booth with Suri in it for people to take turns taking pictures of her. Damn. I hope Suri is getting paid a lot for dealing with this fuckery.

Turn to the right, Stepford Katie! Look at the girl you used to be. The girl who had apple pie in her eyes instead of barley water. Sigh. Katie can't see it. Even if she did turn, she doesn't see Joey Potter, she just sees Tommy Girl dancing around in his chonies and platform sneakers. He's programmed that in her. Oh well. I give the autograph hunter a gold star for trying.

Last night was the opening night for Stepford Katie's Broadway debut in "All My Sons." For fucking real. This shit has barely opened officially. I feel like it's been playing for centuries. It got mixed reviews and USA Today said Katie's performance is "one-note." What do they expect? She's a robot! She can't help it. Damn.

As expected, the anti-Scientology group Anonymous were there in masks to protest the alien crazies. The police pushed them down the street to keep them away from Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie, but their shouting could still be heard from the red carpet.

Here's a few pictures of 50-year-old Katie and Tommy last night. That old lady genie outfit thing is her own design. That pretty much explains the whole thing. "Project Run-KATIE-RUN!!" Tommy has the same outfit in hot pink.

No. Katie Holmes should never be allowed to sing outside of Tommy's soundproof Scientology dungeon. She should not sing or try to dance anywhere else. It's making L. Ron Hubbard angry and Tommy doesn't want to do that.

Above is a clip from "Eli Stone" of Stepford Katie trying way too hard to bring the sexy while bouncing around and shrieking. If you're going to watch it, turn the volume down unless you want to set off a few car alarms or open your garage door. Okay, the last part of her singing isn't that bad, but the whole thing is just really awkward. Tommy Girl should have done this shit instead. He definitely would have brought the big girl sexiness the role required.

Below are some pictures of Katie and Suri shopping around yesterday. In the last thumbnail, I think Katie is trying to sing a lullaby to Suri and she doesn't approve.

Keep running, Suri! Don't stop. Run away from the barley water, the shoe lifts, the word "glib," and Johnny Travolta's dead cat wig. Run away from all of it and don't look back. Don't fret about Stepford Katie. She'll follow you. That's what she's best at.

Unfortunately, Suri didn't run off into the sunset. Oh well, maybe she's just training like JLo in "Enough." I bet she spends her nights boxing and making fake IDs. She'll make a break for it soon.

Suri and Katie actually looked happy while skipping around the East Village in NYC yesterday. They were smiling because that big girl Tommy wasn't around. And it looks like Suri has graduated from the bottle! Now only ten more years to go before Tommy allows her to drink from regular cups.