TomKat

Suri Cruise is like a walking The Ivy restaurant: paparazzi swarm her whenever she leaves the house. Soon you're going to see international supermodel Phoebe Price and Prince Von A-Hole hanging around Suri just so they can get their pose on for the paps. And Tommy Girl loves, loves, loves it! He told Grazia Magazine (via Post Chronicle), "I have to say some of those paparazzi shots of my daughter are incredible. As a parent you protect your children but Suri is a very open and warm child and she will just wave to people on the street. She is such happy, fun girl."

Fuck, he's gross. I bet every morning, he holds PR meetings with Suri and they strategize what she's going to wear and how she's going to act. He probably talks to her like she's an adult and gives her a PowerPoint presentation on her image. He fucking knows that she's the only thing that's keeping him relevant.

Tommy pursed his lips, crossed his legs, flipped his hair and went on to say, "It is certainly different these days with the media, but people have very good to us and do give us space so I am not going to be difficult." Of course, he's not going to be difficult. He's probably tipping their asses off!

Although, I must say that these pictures of Suri with a cupcake made my body grow ovaries.

Tommy Girl hasn't look like this since fucking "Cocktail." You can Photoshop the beat out of his face, but you can still see Xenu in his eyes. And you know they had to mop up the floor after this photo shoot, because Tommy's no-no was slobbering like Hooch while striking this pose. Johnny Travolta makes Tommy hold this exact position while he peen slaps his nalgas.

And I think Details missed a word in the issue's title. It should be "The Power Bottom Issue." I mean, Tommy is on the cover....

Suri Cruise, the hardest working girl in showbusiness, was on the streets of Manhattan during her morning shift today. If Tommy Girl and Katie bring Suri out on Thanksgiving, they better give her holiday pay. Those custom made PradaGucciArmaniVersaceBurberryWhoever dresses don't come cheap!

Speaking of those dresses, Tommy Girl told Entertainment Tonight that Suri refuses to wear pants and only wants to wear dresses. He said that Suri is a "girlie girl" and "she won't wear pants. Kate finally got her in jeans the other day. We put the pants on and walk away and the pants are off and the dress is on." Like Tommy Girl, like daughter! That's why Katie always looks like drained caca in the face, because if she's not fighting Suri about wearing another dress, she's fighting Tommy about the same thing.

Here's Suri and that woman in NYC today. Yes, Katie looks like shit again. I should just customize my keyboard with a button that will automatically type "Katie looks like shit again" whenever I hit it. That would save a lot of time.

Suri Cruise is wearing a jacket......and pants! I don't know if Suri's $20,000 (I'm guessing) Burberry coat is made with real fur, but let's tell Peta it is just for shits.

You know it's colder than your heart on a block of ice when Suri is actually covered up. I stepped out last night for a quick minute and my nipples started crying icy tears. I can't play with this cold shit. I have to wear a face mask, three hats, ear muffs, long johns, 2 jackets, 3 scarves, a battery-powered heating pad and a Taser in my ass just in case I need a quick jolt of heat.

It looks the cold didn't bother Stepford Katie. She her rolled-up summer jeans into rolled-up winter shorts. F-U-G. Don't worry about her. I'm sure her internal warming system is hard at work.

And I've always wondered what Suri sounds like, but now I'm thinking she doesn't say words. Suri and Katie communicate by touching their heads together like in the picture above. That's how all the alien talks!

Tommy Girl gives the comedic performance of the year in "Valkyrie" according to some hos who have already seen it. The movie has already been pushed back a few times, but now it's set to come out the day after Christmas. Merry Christmas! Let's watch some shit show about Nazis starring the last bitch I want to spend the holidays with.

A few people who have seen the movie told MSNBC's The Scoop that everyone in the theater uncomfortably laughed at Tommy Girl's performance. Once scene features Tommy Girl trying to do the Heil Hitler salute. “It’s an unsettling scene but you almost start to laugh. His character is resisting it but you never forget it’s Tom Cruise saying ‘Heil Hitler.’ It’s funny and shocking at the same time.” You know while Tommy was trying to do the salute, he had to clench his hungry hole so that his other hand didn't come up to complete the "A" in Y.M.C.A.

Another ho said that Tommy only does a German accent at the beginning of the movie, “The film just isn’t a thriller at all. It’s a bunch of white guys in Nazi uniforms. It’s too bad. And Tom doesn’t speak with a German accent — though they did add a voiceover of him speaking German to the beginning of the film. Still, it’s as if he could say ‘I complete you’ at any time. This is not his Oscar moment.” I'm surprised that Tommy didn't do a German accent. I hear he does a FIERCE Marlene Dietrich impersonation!

Johnny Travolta better start lubing up his hand, because he's going to need to give Tommy Girl a consoling fist fuck when this movie fails in an epic way at the box office.

Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie's two year wedding anniversary is today. Happy Fakeversary? I guess... Try not to explode with excitement. According to tradition, you're supposed to give bitches cotton on their second wedding anniversary. Something tells me that Katie is going to get a few dozen napkins with the words "RUN KATIE" perfectly monogrammed on them.

In honor of his wedding anniversary, Tommy Girl puckered up his lips and told Hello! Magazine (via Celebitchy), "And they said it wouldn’t last. I guess we proved them wrong."

Um...the legal documents probably state that it must last a minimum of 5 years and a maximum of 10 (just ask Nicole).

Below is a journey through photographs of Katie going from a slice of apple pie with cheddar cheese on top to a robot zombie with barley in her eyes.

It's that time of day where we look at pictures of Stepford Katie and Suri walking up and down the streets while the pappies take their picture. I bet they stroll down to the corner, stroll back to their apartment, go upstairs, Suri meets with her styling team, Katie recharges her batteries and then they do it all again. Suri better make "Employee of the Year," because she works hard for that barley.

Suri is glad it's Friday, because she was so excited today. She even showed off her karate bot kick. If only Tommy Girl was standing next to her. She would've kicked him in the snatch since they're basically the same height.

Bitches really seem to be worried about Suri bouncing around NYC without a jacket on. People, she can't wear a jacket, because she has a deal with the fashion houses that she must show off the entire garment! That dress costs more than your vagina rejuvenation surgery (I know you've been looking into it), so she has to properly model the whole thing without some pesky jacket getting in the way. Suri cares about high-fashion. She's working hard to land a Dior or Miu Miu contract. Hey, at least her legs are covered. And I really need an umbrella like that in my life.

Katie still looks like a middle-aged mini-van mom who regularly misses picking up her kids from school because she's passed out on the coach after a raging pill and booze session. But at least she's wearing Converse!

Yes, that picture is fucking old. It's when Tommy Girl wasn't a creepy butt plug and Charlize Theron was poor. Well, poorer than she is now.

Charlize Theron is about to break my no-heart by agreeing to star opposite John Travolta's scissor sister in a movie called "The Tourist." It's a remake of the 2005 French film. Coming Soon reports that Charlize is in talks to play an "Interpol agent who uses an American tourist in an attempt to flush out an elusive criminal with whom she once had an affair."

I don't know why, but I've always had a strange love for Charlize. Dumb whores always call me on it. Some think she's like a dry potato pancake, but I can't help it. Ever since she slow-danced with Alien Head Ricci to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" in "Monster," I've been hooked. I've seen all her shit shows in the theaters including "Hancock" and "Aeon Flux."

This is why I'm starting to weep on the inside at the thought of Charlize kissing Tommy's pasty pony elf mouth. He's going to need a booster seat to film the sex scenes.

I'm fucking drunkover (combination of drunk and hungover) and freaking out over that Prop 8 mess, so I'd figure it was a good time for some pictures of Suri Cruise actually smiling.

Suri and her robot zombie mommy were out in NYC last night, partying, acting crazy, etc... You know how they do it. Suri smiled at the paps, but she probably figured that if she moved her mouth around, it would keep her warm. Hah. No! Suri doesn't need a jacket or tights or anything! Tommy Girl always keeps her heating system at a perfect 75 degrees.

Stepford Katie on the other hand always looks like she's fucking freezing. She probably brings a blanket with her to the beach in the summertimes.

Anywhocares, I must get back to worrying about if my wedding to Mah Boo Anderson Cooper is going to happen or not.