TomKat

After her last performance in that All My Sons crap, Katie Holmes got into her spaceship and rushed to join Tommy Girl at several Golden Globe after-parties. Yes, this means no more ten million pictures a day of a weepy Stepford Katie in some not-right jeans, dragging Suri down with her. What are the pappies going to do now? Well, they could go on over to Mars 2112, take pictures of the aliens there and sell that shit to the tabloids. They wouldn't be the wiser.

Hopefully, Tommy sent Suri to rehab for exhaustion. Homegirl has to be spent from working 24-hour shifts while in NYC.

Katie's only smiling in the picture above, because that lady is pointing at her nipple. This is the most action she's gotten in a long ass time.

If Tommy Girl was your official woman, there's only two ways you would spend your days: crying and shopping. Katie must be doing a lot of the former while she's in NYC. That's what Page Six Magazine (via Telegraph) claims anyway. They say since Katie landed in New York last July, she's only taken around $14 million from Tommy's butt plug fund and has spent.

Apparently, most of the money was spent on real estate. They bought three extra apartments in the building they live in. Two are for Tommy's ego and the other is for Katie's tears.

Some source said Katie also spent $13,987 on Suri's slaves, $7,000 on gym crap, $7,315 on food and $17,000 on rags for her and Suri in six months.

All these numbers seem kind of low ball to me, but now that I think about it, it makes sense. 7 grand may not seem like much for food, but Katie only eats dried-up barley flakes and Tommy nibbles on her soul whenever he gets hungry. And $14k on child care for Suri also seems kind of low budget, but I don't think we can see most of Suri's slaves. Thetans can make themselves invisible-like. Besides, Suri doesn't need them around that often since she spends most of her time looking after Katie. The $7k they spent on gym crap was only for Tommy's vibrating dirt star slimmer.

It's the $17k that seems way off! There's no way any of Katie's shit rags come from anywhere but the "$1 for 1 pound" pile at the Salvation Army. That said, Katie needs to spend more! If she's going to terrorize NYC with her weepy zombie face, she better start dropping more alien dollars.

Here's cheap ass Katie with Suri doing things in NYC yesterday.

My mind completely blocked out the fact that we used to torn-up wear flared jeans in the fucking 90s. Thanks to that haggard bitch Katie Holmes, the awful memories came flooooding back like an evil butt wart breakout. Some things you would just like to forget, like flared jeans!

I bet this bitch is stealing shit from Tommy Girl's old box of clothes marked "The faaaabulous 90s," because I don't even know where she buys this fugness.

What the fuck is next? Spaghetti strap dresses over t-shirts? JAMS shorts? I should send Katie the hottest outfit my sister used to wear back in the day. She used to wear spandex leggings with polka dot chiffon flares at the bottom. She also had a matching crop top with flared-out chiffon sleeves. This was the 90s. Not the 70s. It was so hideous. Katie would totally wear that mess with a perfect robot smile on her face.

Here's Katie hurting my feelings with those jeans in NYC today. Suri probably ripped them off her legs, because later on she wore leggings. Still fug, but not as offensive as those flares.

The way Katie Holmes is carrying Suri is the same way my friends carry me out of bars when I'm drunk and acting the fool. You know, they throw me over their shoulder, toss me into a cab and hold me while my legs flail around. Usually I'm wearing an outfit similar to Suri's. That little tidbit isn't important, but I thought it would be a fun fact for a Tuesday morning.

Carrying a drunk ass this way is ok. Carrying a kid like this looks so damn uncomfortable and unnecessary for all parties involved. I know Tommy and Katie like to display Suri this way, but maximum exposure means minimum comfort for Suri. Can't they find a better way? Maybe they should give her a piggyback ride? Or Tommy can get on all fours (he's used to that position) and Suri can ride him like the donkey he is.

And about Katie's face: Ctrl + Alt + KatieLooksBeat

Xenu no!! In an interview with The Sun, Tommy Girl says he wants to use Stepford Katie's uterus like a Duggar's to have 7 more tiny Scientologists.

Tommy's peen hole must be sewn shut to keep the Scientolospermies from creeping out. This planet cannot handle anymore.

Tommy said, “I want ten children. I love kids. I feel really fortunate to have the teenagers and a two and a half-year-old. It’s a great dynamic.”

Katie's going to get more action from a turkey baster than a real peen. When she's at Crate & Barrel and spots the basters, she probably gets all excited and shit. What has become of our Joey Potter?

In the rest of the interview, Tommy Girl tries to come off as a real family woman who loves his wife. He says, “I’m a great parent. I want to be with my kids, and they get to do all the stuff that I wanted to do when I was growing up. My own father wasn’t there much for me and I want to be a different dad to my kids. My family is the most important thing in my life. Married life is very good, very lovely. I feel lucky to have Kate as my wife. She’s an extraordinary woman. She is funny and smart and she likes the same things that I do. She’s a very strong, gracious woman, and a great comedian."

Katie is a great comedian?! Yeah, she's a real regular Groucho Marx. The sad thing looks like she has the sense of humor of a....well...of a Scientologist! But I guess you have to be somewhat of a comedian to marry that big bag of dildos!

And of course Tommy wants more kids. How the fuck is he going to pay his lube and lingerie bills if he doesn't have anymore kids to whore out?

Here's the future Katie Holmes Duggar out with the world famous Suri Cruise yesterday.

Somebody put this sad, little zombie robot in a dark room, plug her into the nearest socket and tell Tommy Girl to stay away from her for at least....well...for at least forever if not longer. Homebot looks like one of the things that lives inside Amy Wino's crackhive! I want to throw holy water on her or some shit!

Those alien sores are her body's way of telling her to drop the barley water and get on a plane back to Dawson's Creek ASAP. Pacey will be waiting for her with a cup of chamomile tea and Grams will wrap her in a Snuggie.

Okay, I usually look like this after a night of boozing, bong-ing and boinking, but Stepford Katie doesn't have fun anymore, so that's not why she looks like Skeletor's peen! She looks like this because she wakes up to Tommy's creepy gay face every morning.

Stepford Katie says she loves going to Rojo Caliente's idea of heaven called Home Depot. In some new book about celebrity moms called The Black Book of Hollywood Pregnancy Secrets, Katie said, “I’ve been to the Depot many times with other moms. I know how to push a cart. I’m not a wimpy girl."

Tommy Girl probably sends her to buy power drills, thick chains, rubber gloves, nut drivers, butt splices and hardwood screws. Stepford Katie just figures he's making another Suri.

Sometimes Tommy comes with her and since she's not a wimpy girl, she pushes the car with him in it while he sings "Don't Rain On My Parade" from Funny Girl. That's his favorite part.

Katie also said she's not worried about Suri's terrible 2s. “I just hope she’s not looking at me thinking, ‘Mom, are the terrible 30s coming on with you?"

No, she's looking at you thinking, "Mom, you look like shit!"

It's Stepford Katie's 30th birthday today. Happy Birthday, Katie! You don't look a day over haggard! Katie celebrated this morning with her hourly weepy shuffle to her SUV in NYC. Tommy Girl said that he has a few special things planned for Katie's barfday. If I was Katie, the only "special thing" I'd want Tommy to do on my barfday is to jump off the fucking planet without a jet pack or whatever else thetans use to travel through the universe.

Suri Cruise was also spotted this morning wearing her favorite "take me away from Tommy Girl" ruby slippers. And where can I get one of those hot personal carriers like Suri has? I'm allergic to sidewalks like Suri is, so he would come in handy.

That chick with the yellow boots in some of the thumbnails below is so bright. Methinks Katie had to dim her monitor eyes just to get to her car without being blinded.

Tommy went on Letterman last night in his last desperate attempt to get people to actually pay money to see that movie about Nazis and poodle hair. Tommy and his alien slaves probably decided it would be a good idea to make fun of himself with Letterman's top 10 list of the "Craziest Things" people say about him on the interwebs. This list was obviously written by a group of thetans, because these are the least craziest things I've read about Tommy on the internets. Here's the sanitized Top 10:

The top 10:
10. I sleep upside-down suspended in a special bat - like harness.
9. During the filming of Days of Thunder, on a dare, I ate a tire.
8. I still wear those underpants from Risky Business.
7. My real name is Tom Blagojevich.
6. I once Heimliched a koala.
5. Once a month, I take the Universal tour naked.
4. I believe all emotional and psychological disorders can be cured with Vicks Vapo Rub.
3. I'm a power mad ego maniac who's completely insulated from reality - oh wait, that's Letterman.
2. After jumping on her couch, Oprah hammer-locked me until I coughed blood.
1. I keep a cell phone in my pants so I can tell friends to call my Disney.

Isn't this totally the G-rated Disney princess version? If they want the most fucked up things written about his crazy ass, then they should feast their eyes on the future reader comments for this post. There's your fucking Top 100 list! I can guarantee you.

And if Tommy's trying to not look like a complete fruit cake with lunatic icing on top, then he should probably not wear THAT in public.

Below is Crazy Brains outside of Regis & Kelly this morning.

What kind of craziness is spewing out of Tommy Girl's glory hole mouth today? Well, Tommy would absolutely adore it if Suri Cruise decided she wanted to be an actress. At last night's premiere of that movie you don't need to know the name of since you're not going to see it ever, Tommy was asked by UsWeekly what would he think if Suri wanted to act, "I'd love it. I'd love it. Acting is ... a great life to get to entertain people and create characters and stories."

Suri is already acting! The girl deserves a dozen Oscars for her riveting performance as the daughter of a crazy troll person with raccoon teeth. Honestly, Suri probably already has a team of agents, managers, stylists, publicists, acting coaches and blah...blah..blah... Since Tommy's career is in the urine trough, he's going to whore out Suri so that she can become the cash cow in the family. Mama Tommy will be the most insane stage mother. He'll make that bitch Rocky from I Know My Kid's a Star look like mother of the year.

Maybe it's not such a bad idea. Suri was born to star in a remake of Small Wonder. I'm totally right.

Tommy went on to say that Suri is already talking, "Her vocabulary is great. The ones that we love are, 'I love you.' I love hearing 'I love you, dada. I love you, mama.'"

My mind would blow off if I heard Suri speak. She probably sounds like Shirley Temple speaking through a vocoder. Tommy is just being modest. Suri also knows at least 15 languages, can recite Dianetics from memory, can sing the Village People's Macho Man on key (that's Tommy's favorite song) and can give you the current location of Katie Holmes. Tommy upgraded her software recently.

Here's Tommy at the NYC premiere of that movie with Thomas Kretschmann last night. Oh yeah, Tommy has totally licked Thomas' cheese strudel.