TomKat

Just when I thought Tommy Girl got permanently stuck in a manhole, he emerged last night to see a movie with his weepy little Stepford Katie. They went to the premiere of Star Trek which is based on their home movies, so it was very special to the two of them. It was so emotional that Stepford Katie was left stunned. Or maybe she was concentrating and trying to beam herself the fuck out of there!

Seriously, that face needs a DRANK. It also needs some crack, an 8-ball, a couple hundred bong hits and a one-way bus ticket back to Toledo. On a positive node, I do like her "ode to Blanche Devereaux" ensemble. I bet Tommy has a matching one in ruby.

You know Suri Cruise spends her days running around a table in her playroom to prepare herself for the moment when she'll finally be able to make a break for it. Can't you picture homegirl stretching and working on her breathing? Well, Suri's going to have to keep working at it, because one of her first escape attempts was thwarted! I guess chasing all that ass down in his Scientology dungeon, has made Tommy Girl pretty fast. Suri, that was just a test run. You'll get it next time.

Here's more of Suri trying to quit that bitch while out for a walk with Tommy and Connor in Beverly Hills.

Stepford Katie showed up to the Independent Filmmaker Project in NYC yesterday without her two masters: Tommy Girl or Suri. Something in the barley water ain't clean! How long has it been since Katie has had that mini-butt plug of a man at her side? Hmmm.....

Either there's a little truth to the rumors that she's finally broken out of her robot shell and is getting ready to run through the fields of freedom or the transformation is finally complete! Tommy and Katie are the same crazy alien! If you stare deep into Stepford Katie's glazed eyes and into her hard drive, do you see a moving picture of David Beckham with all his panties off doing the dick slappy dance? Oh my Xenu! Tommy Girl lives in Stepford Katie! He has finally become the WOMAN he has always wanted to be thanks to Katie's body. Two become Tommy Girl! This is GLIB!

This would also explain Katie's brown lip liner. You know how Tommy Girl loves a little brown on his lips. Nope, don't even think of taking a baby wipe it.

Suri Cruise is already forced to spend hours working the famorewhore stroll with her weepy-bot mother, but that shit only consumes a small part of her week. The rest of the week is filled with lessons! French lessons, Spanish lessons, ballet lessons, tap lessons, jazz lessons and modern dance lessons! Lessons, Mr. Moss! That's what The National Enquirer says anyway.

A source said Tommy Girl has spent $1 million on lessons so Suri can be the best. It's his "little troll trying to compensate" syndrome acting up again. The source said, "It doesn't matter what Suri is doing, Tom wants her to be able to do it better than any other child. All parents think their kids are special, but Tom and Katie firmly believe Suri is gifted. She is learning French and Spanish and has a tutor she sees once a week. Suri has shown a real love of dancing, so Tom and Katie are encouraging her as much as possible. She practices ballet, tap and modern dance for hours, nearly every day. She also has private gymnastics lessons and is learning soccer. Katie likes to have Victoria and David Beckham's sons around, since they are older. She thinks Suri will emulate what they do and learn even faster."

Damn. When does she have time to drink?! Seriously, I bet Tommy makes Suri takes all her lessons privately so the peon children won't taint her!

$1 million is also the amount of money Suri is going to need to pay for all the therapy and anti-depressants she will need in about 10 years. Oh, did I say anti-depressants? I didn't mean that. I'm just being glib.

VIA Showbiz Spy

So she pulled off her flip-flop and snacked on that for a bit. Usually, when I eat my rubber sandal, I pour some A1 on that bitch, charbroil it a bit and serve it with some fries, but Suri likes hers raw and plain. To each his own. Don't worry, I'm sure there's some kind of protein in there. Hopefully, after Suri finished devouring that flip-flop, she ate up Stepford Katie's "abuelita with a cold" hat.

And don't you dare put any blame on Katie for allowing Suri to lick on caca. She's too busy hating life to notice!

The little robot who can't, Stepford Katie, took Suri and some of the Beckham boys to do crafts and art shit in Los Angeles yesterday. Romeo Beckham looks traumatized by the whole experience. He doesn't know if it's real life or not. I'm sure Posh will sit him down later and play Battlefield Earth, so Romeo can see where the Cruises come from. That will answer a lot of questions.

You know that while they were inside Stepford Katie got put on restriction again, because when they were painting pots, she wrote "help me" on hers and got caught! Suri would've helped her out, but she couldn't see anything with her eyes, because of those damn bangs! Can't Xenu help a girl out and take a Flowbee to her mop?

And what in "Please sir, can I have some more?" Hell is Katie Holmes wearing?! Since she's looking like a runaway orphan, the urchin should take it to the next level and stowaway on the next train out of there.

OK! Magazine says that the chosen one and the robot one will soon have themselves a little "tea party." Stepford Katie came up with the idea when she ran into the holy ones at a Golden Globes party a while back. Tommy Girl is also into it, but you know he'd rather have a private teabag party with Brad.

Some source said that Katie also wants Suri to start hanging out with girls her age instead of creepy adults, but because of security reasons not just anyone can come over. The source went on to yap, "Katie loves entertaining and spoke to Angelina about having an at-home tea party with cupcakes for the girls. Katie told Angelina she just knew Suri and Shiloh are going to get along fantastically well."

The source also says Zahara is also invited, but you know that girl wants nothing to do with that crazy alien shit. Zahara already gave a big "NO THANKS" to the invite, because drinking barley water is not her idea of a good time.

And I doubt it's a tea party. Suri knows that Shiloh has snuck out of her ivory tower a few times before, so she's trying to get her help so she can finally make a break for it. Shiloh's going to bring over saucers with maps on the bottom of them and a tablecloth that doubles as a parachute.

VIA Cover Awards

That's my only explanation.

Here's more of Stepford Katie trying to act on the set of her new move in NYC last night.

Stepford Katie's inner Thetans are glowing through her eyes on the cover of Glamour. Seriously, who do think they are fooling with his Photoshop fuckery?! Does Photoshop have a "life sucking" tool on it, because if it does, this cover needs more of it. You can't make eyes look less brainwash-ey just by changing the color. The L. Ron Hubbard is still shining through loud and fucking clear.

In the magazine, Stepford Katie brings the bores, but did pull a Chrissy Crocker and told everyone to LEAAAAAVE SURI ALOOOONE. When asked about all the rumors about Suri, she said, "Some of the stuff people said was such absolutely horrible things to say about a child. It was so uncalled for and so disgusting. Enough is enough. We were changing diapers. He (Tommy Girl) said, 'I don't want you to get upset.' And I said, 'Well, I am upset.'"

Well, I got the answer to the question "How many crazy alien robots does it take to change a diaper?" TWO! And Katie was so upset that she dressed Suri up in a little dress and then paraded her down the street like she was in a damn Little Miss Pageant.

And here's some pictures Katie wearing a necklace made out of Tommy's hairy ass dingles while out to dinner the other night. This haggard hag really looks like she "loves her life."

This is some Changeling shit right here. I can almost hear Stepford Katie screaming, "This is not Joey Potter! Where is Pacey's girl?!" That bitch shuffled off a long time ago.

Here's Tommy's weepy little robobeard on the set of her new movie in NYC trying to bring out the raw emotion. Bitch accessed her memory chip to bring back the images of Tommy Girl telling her to "E.T. phone his no-no." Actually, the bitch probably just thought of her whole life after 2005! The cameras probably weren't even fucking rolling. Even brainwashed robots get a permanent case of the glooms.