Solange

Only Grace Jones can wear the fuck out of a rattan basket from the Reagle Beagle or whatever the hell that thing is on her head. The fucked up shit she wears is too advanced for mortals. We don't understand it. But seriously, Grace Jones can destroy us all with just one roar.

Grace Jones is what Solange wants to be when she grows up. She's down in her basement right now trying to recreate this shit using an old wooden salad bowl, placements and some busted ass V for Vendetta mask she bought on eBay. She can try all she wants, but Grace Jones cannot be duplicated.

Since it's the season of giving, Beyonce probably "accidentally" left the basement door open a crack. Beyonce also sort of, kind of left out a Greyhound bus ticket to Miami on the breakfast nook with a coupon book to McDonald's. Beyonce has such a giving heart.

The most shocking part about all of this is that Basement Baby isn't wearing an outfit made of old Christmas ornaments, broke down car parts or shit found in the Michael's discount bin. She's actually wearing some normal shit. Wait. I shouldn't speak too soon. Her bikini could be made out of duct tape and car seat covers.

Basement Baby's older sister performed at the MTV Europe Music Awards in Liverpool today looking like a rejected extra from "Tron." I'm beginning to think that Sasha Fierce stole Solange's fashion sketchbook from the basement and is using all her ideas! Suddenly Sasha Fierce is trying so hard to be all avante-garde, edgy and coutardy. That was Solange's gimmick! I bet Solange planned to make this dress using old metal garbage cans. She can't anymore, because Sasha stole her designs!

Below is Sasha Fierce's heartwrenching performance of "If I Were A Boy." Sasha is squeezing out the doody bubbles hardcore during this shit.

And here's some pictures of Sasha and Solange on the red carpet. I know Sasha's douche glove helps with making you look like an asshole, but I wonder if it cures carpal tunnel?

Poor Solange....she looks like so average. She should be wearing that garbage can dress! Not Sasha Fierce!

And now it's that time of the day to check in with the my favorite basement baby!

Our very own Hot Slut of the Week recipient Solange Knowles poked her head out of the basement door and told Glamour Magazine just what she thinks about my comments on this here gutter blog:

"Sometimes the stories I hear about myself are not worth a fight. I've heard about this blog that always jokes about Beyonce keeping me locked in the basement. That's so ridiculous it doesn't bother me. This blog also writes about other things, like they pick different celebrities to be the Hot Slut of the Day. Now, this is the kind of stuff that comes with the territory of fame - and I'll take the Hot Slut award. Just don't call me the anti-Beyonce."

It's okay, Solange. Your secret about the basement is safe with me. And I would never fight with you. I will always love you even though you smell like moth balls.

DJ Fatman Scoop had the right idea while NOT dressing for the VMAs yesterday. Why bother dressing up for that shit? All you have to do is put on a pair of dirty chonies, a wife beater, your favorite chanklas and you're good to fucking go. DJ Fatman probably didn't even rub out the skidmark stains from his boxers. This is why he was the best dressed bitch of the night.

While going through the pictures from last night, I was majorly disappointed with the fashion choices. Everybody tried to look classy. The VMAs are about as classy as a Spears wedding reception. I wanted to see some nip slips, dick slips, tampon string slips and there wasn't any of that! I miss the VMAs of the 90s. Now those whores knew how to dress. Here's some of my favorites from last night (but that's not saying much):

Solange - She would've made this list no matter what. But thankfully she once again wore something she made during craft hour in the basement. Pier 1 must have had a clearance sale on placements.

Slash & his wife - I'm pretty sure Slash never takes off this outfit, so he doesn't really count. It's his wife that really turned out for the occasion. She's covering her nose because her dress smells like crusty sperm, chunky panty pudding, cocoa butter and boiled roast beef. It smells that way because she found it in the dumpster behind a SFV strip club.

Ciara - This ho came prepared. She obviously knew RiRi was not going to lip-synch. Soundproof wig!

Xtina - If Donatella Versace and Morticia Addams rubbed coochies, this is what would come squirting out of them!

Tyga - You can never go wrong with a bedazzled Garfield.

Solange might have been laughing at the rabid animal sleeping on Beyonce's head (see below), but her big sister got the biggest cackle of the night. You know Beyonce sent Solange out in this holiday disaster. Solange looks like an Urban Outfitters Christmas display gone terribly wrong. That ensemble belongs in the corner of a college dorm room during the holidays. It doesn't belong on a person.

Beyonce totally told Solange she had the perfect outfit for her to wear to Fashion Rocks. Solange should have known better when Beyonce pulled out the dress from a cardboard box labeled "Broke Ass Xmas Decorations." Solange can never win!

Beyonce got Solange again when she made her wear some recycled magazine dress during her performance last night. If you look closely, you can see that the dress was made using Beyonce's old magazine photo spreads. Solange is giving Bey press and she doesn't even know it! The Basement Baby has been duped yet again!

The score is: Beyonce: 1,245 - Solange: -120

Before interviewing Solange, the anchors of Fox News Las Vegas, asked if she would talk about the closing of Jay-Z's 40/40 Club in Vegas. Solange's rep said "hell no" and the anchor agreed she would only keep it about Solange.

When the interview went live, Solange got lippy with the anchor. Basement Baby said, "I have to say that was not a very professional introduction before. Please don't tie me into family and my brother-in-law's establishment." The anchor had no idea what she was talking about. That's when a mysterious voice said to her, "That wasn't live, Solange."

It's not her fault! Solange couldn't hear things right. She had too much basement dust in her ears and everything was so confusing. Life is much simpler in the basement. Give her a break!

Something tells me Beyonce is going to get her for basically confirming her marriage to Jay-Z. Solange's mice friends are being fed to the house cat as I type this.

And you know that anchor is waiting out Solange's basement door. She's going to deliver an epic beatdown on Solange for coming at her like that on live TV.

Click here to see the clip

Maybe Solange's vision isn't working so well because she's been stuffed down in the basement for so long without any light. What is the meaning of this? Once again, she ruins a fine outfit with just a touch of fuckery. And by "she ruins" I mean Beyonce told her to wear that shit. It looks like she got mad at Beyonce so she kicked a baby skunk in the ass and got stuck.

Beyonce probably took some of her old weave hair, superglued it to some Payless shoes and told Solange that this was some limited-edition shit straight from Tokyo. Solange was hesistant at first and said, "Are you sure these shoes didn't come from that fake Bigfoot costume? They kind of smell like fish guts and moonshine." Beyonce gave her the eye roll and responded, "Do you want to go back to the basement?"

Here's my girl Solange looking lovely from the calves up at TRL in NYC yesterday.

.....and they really shouldn't have. Beyonce strikes again! Solange's ensemble was perfectly fine until she put on those horrific tights. Whoever makes those things should be locked up! House of Derriere makes that shit, right? Send Beyonce and Mama Knowles to the slammer! Making Solange wear those things out in public is cruel and unusual punishment. It's like an episode of "Pee Wee's Playhouse" barfed all over her legs. And you know Beyonce told her she looked "sooooo edgy" while crossing her eyes.

Solange is trying so hard to look extra special and she does. If you know what I mean. Solange, go back to the basement. It's safer there. And stop listening to Beyonce! Only listen to your mice friends. They would never make you dress like a foolio in public.

Here's more of the better Knowles sister outside Letterman yesterday. That purple feather shrug thing needs to be put out of its misery.

I can't believe Beyonce and Daddy Knowles actually let Solange out of the basement to shoot a video for "Sandcastle Disco." What am I saying? They shot this shit in the basement. If you bring your nose close enough to the screen, you can even smell Beyonce's musty wigs marinating in basement dust.

Beyonce must have told Solange that "Sandcastle Disco" would be a cute title for a song. NOT. It sounds like the name of a tranny bar in Thailand.

And it's not right that Mama Knowles made Solange's outfits out of Beyonce's old ass prom dresses. Some of the shit Solange is wearing makes her look even more like the broken condom baby of Diana Ross and Orlando Jones. Not right! I blame Beyonce!

Don't worry, Solange. I'm still your biggest fan. Hell, I think I'm your only fan.