Gayelles

Leading up to the Oscars, there's ten million award shows where hos slip into something sparkly, spray their wet parts with perfume and make sure their titties sit up real nice. And I'm just talking about the dudes. Anyway, last night the hos of Hollywood wore their prom best for the Critics Choice Awards, which honors blah blah in blah blah for blah blah.

When Bradley Cooper opened the envelope to announce the winner of Best Actress in a Film, he declared that it was a TIE! Sandy Bullock (for The Blind Side) and Meryl Streep (for Julie & Julia) both won. Sandy must have left her chola attitude in George Lopez's green room, because if she still had it with her, she would've taken a razor out of her hair and cut Meryl.

Instead, Sandy and Meryl kissed like the Simpson family on Christmas morning. Well, almost like the Simpson family. Sandy didn't use tongue. Sandy doesn't even kiss her husband with tongue before the sun sets, so it's not surprising that she didn't French on Meryl.

Here's hoping that Sandy and Meryl have started a trend. At this Sunday's Golden Globes, I'm crossing my ass lips that George Clooney and Colin Firth tie for Best Actor. And if they do, they better take those panties off and touch tongues! It's the new way. Hell, I'd even settle for Morgan Freeman and Jeff Bridges.

Below is the clip of Meryl and Sandy's G-rated lezzie lip-lock.

And here's some pictures of hos from last night's show including: Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, John Cho, Zachary Quinto, an escaped grizzly bear from the zoo, Emily Blunt, Sandy B, Kristin Chenoweth, Marion Cotillard, Purdy Zac Efron, Morgan Freeman with his ladyfreeend, Heather Graham, some virgin, Edward Gayhands, Heather Mills' voodoo doll, Mo'Nique with her piece, Carey Mulligan, Zoe Saldana and Gabourey Sidibe.

The ladyfriend Rosie O'Donnell was spotted holding hands with the other day is her new bagina bumpin' lover. And the woman sounds like even St. Angie bows down before her halo. That was served without any sarcasm. Not a drop. I know, mark this day in your calendars.

People reports that Rosie's partner in pussy is Tracy Kachtick-Anders, an artiste from Texas. Tracy is also the founder of the Open Arms Campaign, a non-profit that brings together foster kids with gay and gayelle families. Tracy is the mother of six kids. Five are adopted and several of them have special needs.

The two met online through Rosie's blog. Tracy posted some comment that made Rosie's clit stand up and pay attention. The rest is lezzie history.

It's a good thing that Tracy is a mother to six kids. That means she'll know exactly what to do when Rosie throws one of her major dyketrums.

Rosie O'Donnell really hasn't been seen with a new piece since splitting up with her longtime partner a few months ago, but here she is strolling through Miami with a ladyfriend. A ladyfriend who she may or may not be clapping clits with in the early morning hours.

But good for Rosie if her ladyfriend is munchin' the socks right off of her. Actually, I hope Rosie's ladyfriend is eating her Dorito pie until those evil CROCS go flying off her feet and land in a trash can. If her ladyfriend can do that, she should get a damn Nobel Peace Prize.

I'm sure Rosie wears CROCS because it feels like her feet are in the middle of a vagina sandwich. But it would be much more attractive if she walked around with two silicone pussies on her feet instead.

Just moments after the Lollipop Guild's go-to-lapdancer Tila Tequila and baby lube heiress Casey Johnson announced their engagement, Nay Nay "Google Me Bitch" Semel fired a ping pong ball filled with hate at the happy couple. Now that the L-Word is off the air we're just going to have to take what we can get when it comes to lesbian theatrics.

Nay Nay, who used to clit dance with Casey and Tila, tells E! Online that she believes that their engagement might as well have been orchestrated by Richard Heene, because it's a stunt. This is what Nay Nay had to say, "They don't even speak. Casey can't stand Tila. They've only spoken once, and they're doing this as a publicity stunt to get back at me."

As for Tila's claims that Casey decorated her toddler finger with an authentic 17-carat diamond engagement ring, Nay Nay thinks that the ring must be a Laila Rowe original because the heiress is as broke as Sheree. Nay Nay explained, "Casey can't even fill up her gas tank. She doesn't have a penny to her name. Her parents have cut her off completely. I have texts from her saying she's broke and can’t even afford to meet me for dinner."

Nay Nay also made sure she covered all of the media bases by also talking to Radar. Nay Nay said that Casey doesn't even have custody of her adopted daughter anymore, and should be working to get her back. Survey says? NO, SHE SHOULDN'T! Even if the poor child is being raised by a bunch of empty beer cans, she's still in better hands (or pull tabs).

And what does Tila Tequila think about Nay Nay's accusations? "Casey and I are very happily engaged and excited to plan our wedding in Massachusetts, where we can be legally married. And as for Courtenay, we hope that she minds her own business and stays classy," said the refined pearl who gave the world a taste (NSFL) of her tampon string.

In a live streaming video, which must have been directed by The Maysles Brothers, Tila Tequila announced that she is engaged to Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson. This is the same Casey Johnson who was arrested for smearing her labia leche all over another lezzie's vibrator and stealing a bunch of her joo-ree.

Casey must have been stealing shit for cheap thrills, because Tila claims she's a bajazillionaire. And I just consulted with my 5-year-old cousin who let me know that a "bajazillionaire" is, like, way richer than a bazillionaire. This makes sense, because only a bajazillionaire could afford a 17-carat diamond engagement ring. Although, that ring does look suspiciously like the one my Peaches & Cream Barbie used to wear. And Barbie and Tila do have the same ring size.... Hmmmm...

Tila also added, "Anyway, we are going to make love tonight for our honeymoon." Okay, nobody tell Tila that the honeymoon happens after the wedding, because I really hate seeing elves cry. Speaking of tears...

I have a feeling this is going to end in a lot of them. Or it's going to end with Tila setting Casey's hair on fire.

And is it just me, or does Casey Johnson sound like Tori Amos with a handful of anal beads in her mouth? It's kind of driving me crazy.

Meredith Baxter has swung open the front doors of Home Depot and ran through the aisles declaring her love for vagina while sawdust confetti fell from the sky!

In interviews with The Advocate, Today and People, Mrs. Keaton has come out as a late-in-life lesbian. Skippy's glasses just exploded.

She said that she has decided to speak out about it now, because the National Enquirer recently ran pictures of her on a lesbian cruise (The S.S. Dockers) with her partner of 4 years Nancy Locke. Meredith wanted to beat the tabloids to the cooch, and tell the world in her own words on her terms. Nancy told Matt Lauer, “Some people would say, well, you’re living a lie and, you know, the truth is – not at all. This has only been for the past seven years. I’ve always lived a very private life. To come out and disclose stuff is very antithetical to who I am.”

Meredith, who has been married three times before and has five grown children, said that she always had fucked up relationships with dudes. When she fell in love with a lady seven years ago, everything started to make sense for her. Something clicked in her brain and her lady parts! She explained, “I got involved with someone I never expected to get involved with, and it was that kind of awakening. I never fought it because it was like, oh, I understand why I had the issues I had early in life."

Her family, friends and her Family Ties castmates all know she's a gayelle and have been nothing but supportive.

These days, Meredith spends her days working on a skincare line and traveling the country to speak about her battles with breast cancer and the booze. And she will also add fighting for gay rights to her plate, “This is a political act, even though that’s not what it feels like to me. If anyone knows someone who’s gay or lesbian … they’re less likely to vote against them to take away their rights. I can be that lesbian you know now…”

You know, Mrs. Keaton actually surprised me. If there was one member of the Keaton family that I figured winked at the ladies, it was Tina Yothers. I mean, she does know how to wear the shit out of a flannel shirt. Now let's all give Mrs. Keaton a soul hug. Sha-la-la-laaaaaaa!

Over at Page Six, they are saying that Lindsay Lohan fled Brittny Gastineau's birthday party after her ex partner in pussy, Courtenay "Nay Nay" Semel, begged her to go to rehab. Maybe LiLo left for a minute to go find an extra vowel for her name so that she could fit in with the rest of them. She should've just asked Brittny if she could borrow the "E" she's not using. That way she could be Lindesay Lohan. Oh well. BUT SERIOUSLY.....

A source said that Nay Nay, who just graduated from rehab, confronted LiLo about getting help. It did not go well, and LiLo ran out of the joint in tears. The source went on to say, "Everyone was trying to keep them apart, especially since Courtenay is recently out of rehab and has pleaded with Lindsay to do the same. Everything was fine for a while, and Lindsay seemed happy, but then there was a confrontation when she came out of the bathroom, and she ran out in tears. Everyone fears she's on some kind of self-destructive collision course."

I'd probably be in tears too if I was reminded that I was once played Nay Nay's clitoris like a harmonica. And if you have no idea who Nay Nay is, GOOGLE HER, you dumb fuck!

Here's Katie Pierson of the B-52's (for the youngins who don't know) at Bette Midler's Annual Hulaween Gala in NYC last night with her partner in pussy Monica Coleman. My Google Alerts are obviously missing some Kate Pierson in their life, because I did not know she was bumping love shacks with another lady! Apparently, Kate declared herself a "late in life lesbian" a while ago. Now I can add Kate to my list of ginge gayelle bridesmaids for my wedding to Mah Boo Anderson Cooper (Don't Stop Believing).

Here's more of Kate (as Annie Oakley) and Monica (as Davy Crockett) at last night's party. I also threw in some pictures of Bette (as Lady CaCa in 10 years), Martha Stewart (as Madonna's sascrotch compete with roidy labia tentacles) with her gays and Michael Kors (as country Kim Zolciak before shaving).

Way before St. Angie was healing the world with her divine vagina and sucking the youth out of Brad Pitt, she had a "phone fling" with none other than Rosie O'Donnell. Once you've talked your genitals off of the ledge, read on......

On Howard Stern's show (via Popeater) the other day, Rosie O not only confirmed that she's no longer munching on Kelli Carpenter's carpet, but she also briefly talked about the phone time she spent with St. Angie. Rosie said, "We talked on the phone two or three times, but that was that. There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through. I was a little afraid of her. She's scary in a sexual kind of way."

What a missed opportunity for all of us. To think, we could have had Rosielina instead of Brangelina. Which means instead of crazed Brangaloonies terrorizing our lives, we would be dodging flannel-wearing, saw dust-farting Rosielinaloonies. And honestly, I'd rather be bitched out by a big butchie with a flat top. It kind of gives me the tingles, actually.

And for those you saying that St. Angie would never lick on Rosie's ham muffin, might I remind you of an elderly turtle named Billy Bob Thornton?

A little while ago, The National Enquirer said that Rosie O's partner in pussay, Kelli Carpenter, moved out of their home and shuffled off to Manhattan. At the time, Rosie didn't say much about the rumor. Well, now she's talking to USA Today and says the two are having problems. Doesn't it make you sad in the heart thinking about Rosie's strap-on collecting dust because Kelli isn't around to give it a little attention? That one was for Donald Trump.

When asked about the gayelle drama, Rosie O said, "We're a family. We will remain a family forever. And we are working on our issues. Kelli and I love each other very much and we are working on our issues. Those are the only words I am ever going to say. Ever. And that is something that has been agreed upon by all parties. But everything's fine and everybody's good and we're still both raising them together. We will both continue to parent them and we're friendly and everything's all right."

This sounds like the two have already split on each other's splits. I've always liked Rosie, but I'm sure living with her isn't all free giveaways, rainbows and showtunes. But hopefully, Rosie and Kelli will be back to bumping 'ginas soon so that we don't have listen to Donald Trump go on and on about this. If the Trump wins, we all lose.