Natalie Portman

The strangest couple since spaghetti and honey (I knew a bitch who ate that barfness regularly) is still doing the sexies with each other. Page Six says that Sean Penn and Natalie Portman have been flaunting the fuckery all over Los Angeles for a couple of weeks now. I mean.....really? What is wrong with these hos? Didn't I already tell Natalie to hit the Penn peen once and then move on? Sean Penn is the type of bitch who is only good for a one-time fuck and that's it. Ride the nose, slap the dick and then jump away. I guess they don't teach Dickmatization 101 at Harvard.

Since Natalie is going to be spending more time in Los Angeles, she bought a $3.25 million "gothic" mansion in Los Feliz. Her new house is 4,866 square feet and has two guesthouses, a pool and a courtyard.

Um. Does this shit also have a free clinic in there, because Natalie is going to need one if she keeps jumping the Penn peen on a regular basis.

The White House Correspondents' Dinner was last night in DC and it looked like they put the invite on Facebook, because hos who had no business being there showed up to clink flutes with the President. By the looks of who showed up, this looks more like the White Castle Correspondents' Dinner. How did some of these trollops get in? I'm sure there were a lot of discarded caterer suits in the back hallway, because that's how most of them snuck in. Flat Stanley is the only bitch who deserved a chair at this dinner!

Okay, okay, some of these hos belonged, but only like 99.999999%. See for yourself. In order: Flat Stanley (with date Ed Westwick), Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Mariska Hargitay, Trudie Styler, Sting, Jon Bon Jovi, Amy Polar Bear, Natasha Bedingfield, Ty Ty Baby, Eva Longwhoria, Ricky Schroeder, Tommy Girl, a middle-aged alien robot wearing one of Barbara Bush's old ones, Kara DioSTFU, James Franco, Chace Crawford (who can't believe he's that close to boobies), Glenn Close, the baddest Monday-To-Friday-er in the room Samuel L. Jackson, Natalie Porkme, a tranny zombie wearing a blonde wig and STAINS' twin brother. See what I mean?

Natalie Portman has finally brushed the whole Little Miss Ivy League Do-Gooder Sunshine act into the gutter and has stepped into the most important chapter of her life: THE SLUT YEARS. Or what I like to call The Golden Shower Years. And Natalie have been made by one of the biggest manwhores of our time: Sean Penn.

Star Magazine says that after having dinner at Sunset Tower Hotel's Tower Bar on March 17th, the two were caught sucking on each other's tongues by the elevators after disappearing for 45-minutes. A nosy whore said, "They went to a bank of elevators that only goes to the spa or to private rooms. They came back about 45 minutes later, and that's when I saw them making out. There's a door outside of the hotel's Tower Bar that has a bridge to the terrace, so it's semi-private. I used that path to get to the restroom, and when I came back, I had to go through some curtains — and that's when I interrupted Sean and Natalie! When they saw me, they were startled and quickly composed themselves."

Natalie's vagina was in professional hands, but for her sake, I hope she covered it in a Hazmat tarp and ten gallons of Purell, because we all know where Sean's peen has been. Shit, if I was Natalie, I'd keep a naked mole rat by my side so it could eat the crotch maggots as they fell out of Sean's peen area. The dude is a back alley kind of slut. It's better to be safe than itchy.

If Natalie did all that, she'll be fine. I just hope she fucked the peen, walked away and erased his digits.

I also hope Robin Wright Penn is either a) spending all of Sean's cash on stupid shit or b) peddling that pussy to every young piece of hot meat in Hollywood.

Natalie Portman is without a bushy beard this morning, because she has reportedly canceled her relationship with silent-movie actress Devendra Banhart. No, he's a musician, but his name was meant for a different era.

Some bitch who is close to Devendra told InTouch: “Yes, they have broken up. Natalie and Devendra will remain friends but need some space and time away."

The two 27-year-olds starting dating in March after meeting on the set of his video. Natalie even moved to Los Angeles from NYC to be with him full-time.

Natalie probably just couldn't handle the beard. It takes a special bitch to deal with a facial pubic bush. If the dude doesn't condition or brush it properly, your face and thighs could end up looking like they were exfoliated with sand paper after a sexy times session.

Natalie Portman dressed up as a Bollywood princess for her boyfriend's new video, “Carmensita." Natalie and folk singer Devendra Banhart have been boinking for about 4 months now.

I sort of have a minor crush on the bearded lady known as Devendra Banhart. I mean, Devendra Banhart sounds like the name of a silent movie star from the 1920s or the name of a gay pirate. And I like silent movie stars and gay pirates!

He's dreamy even though his music confuses my eardrums. Is this crap even music? Halfway through this shit, I actually forgot I was watching a music video. I was starting to confuse it with one of those annoying Fandango puppet commercials.

VIA People

I was beginning to think that Sharon Stone was over her addiction to animal print and dead animals. Relapse! She needs to be thrown into rehab along with Jocelyn Wildenstein for their obsession with wearing and looking like animals.

Sharon is really starting to look like one of those hags from "The Real Housewives of Orange County." I know Sharon does not want to turn into Lauri Waring, but that's where she's heading.

Anyway, here's Shar at amFar's Cinema Against AIDS event in France. Other guests included Natalie Portman who wore a dress by Brawny and Madonna who wore one of Tootsie's old ones.

What the hell is happening to my Adrien Brody! I blame that slut girlfriend of his! I knew I couldn't trust her and her glistening bosoms. Dumb skank. It's her fault that Adrien is quickly turning into the afghan hound of my nightmares! He needs to cut that grease mop and take a few globs of NADS to the pubes growing on his face. He looks like my high school band teacher who liked to massage his nipples in front of the whole class. Adrien, you can massage your nipples in front of me anytime. Just shave the face pubies first.

Here's Young Yanni with skank girlfriend at the Indiana Jones premeire at Cannes today. It wouldn't be an Indiana premiere without Shia LaDouche. I had a dream the other night that Shia asked me to marry him. I turned him down. Instead of crying and threatening suicide, he asked some twat next to me the same question. What a dickwad! LaDouche escored the lovely Karen Allen to tonight's premiere. Where the hell has she been?

Natalie Portman was also there. Natalie is Natalie. She's beautiful, but so fucking annoying.