TomKat

Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford was at the MET's Costume Institute Gala last week when Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes approached him and started gushing. A witness told Full Disclosure, "Tom and Katie went up to Chace to say how much they love him and the show. They didn't talk to any of the other cast members."

Tommy Girl is so obvious! I'm sure TG giggled like a teen girl in love and batted his eyes at his Chace. TG should have just invited Chace to his "office" for a special "audition" for the next Mission Impossible movie. Oh shit, he probably did. Poor Chace looks like a newbie. I don't know if he could take TG's super sized Xenu dildo just yet. You have to start with the E.T. dildo and work your way up.

Anyway, all the love for Chace has caused a little friction on the GG set. A source said, "Penn Badgley was supposed to be the show's break-out star and now it is obviously Chace, and Penn doesn't like it."

Chace is two hormone treatments away from becoming a truly gorgeous female. He's never done it for me.

Yesterday, I posted these pictures of Tommy Girl and his robot bride at David Beckham's game the other day. Immediately, whores starting e-mailing me this picture of Katie with a little bump. Tommy Girl's beady eyes have me locked, so I barely even notice the bump. I held up my standard sized bed pillow up to the bump to compare. It looks like Katie is using a small sofa throw pillow for her bump.

Seriously, Tommy is giving me the shakes. I should put a black bar over his eyes.

I've posed some other pictures below of Katie's "bump." I don't know if she's knocked up, but I do know that she's wearing a shitty ass dress! Did Tommy Girl steal that from the "9 to 5" costume closet?!

In other TG news, he has been urged to seek medical attention, because he's nuts. No, because he might have been exposed to asbestos. Asbestos was found on the Scientology cruise ship Freewinds. Tommy recently spent some time on the ship for meetings. A little thing like asbestos can't keep Tommy Girl down! He's immortal. Barley water makes you a God or something.

Tommy Girl dragged the whole clan out yesterday to see his man, David Beckham, play that sport where they kick a ball around. Tommy wants to be that ball soooo bad. It was nice of Tommy to let Isabella and Connor out of their alien cages. He made them come to the game or else they would have to spend 6-months at Scientology camp. They are still having nightmares over the last time they were there.

Katie's hair is looking more and more "Stepford Wifey" each day. One day she's going to show up wearing and apron and carrying a fresh baked apple pie. They creep me the fuck out! These pictures look like stills from "The Others."

Does Tommy Girl have a movie coming out in about 9 months, because E! claims he wants to have another baby. When Tommy and Katie were in NYC, friends say they were hinting about giving Suri a sibling. Suri doesn't want to share her bottle. She told me so with her eyes. I'm fluent in alien robot talk. She's hard up on that barley water and isn't going to share one drop.

A source said, "She (Katie) said she's got the itch." That's just because her gears are a little rusy. She just needs a little WD-40 and she'll be all set again. The source went on to say, "Now that Suri is more toddler than baby, she said she misses having an infant in the house. And, of course, she thinks Suri would make a great big sister."

Tommy Girl is also into the idea. He's been waiting for Katie to give the okay. Yeah, Tommy's been saving a new shirtless picture of David Beckham for this very occasion. He can't wait to use it to jack off into a turkey baster. Baby making is so sweet!

The theme for last night's Costume Institute Gala at the MET was "Superheroes." This explains Katie Holmes' attire. She looks more like a fruit roll-up than a superhero. Speaking of fruit roll-ups, what is Tommy dressed as? Captain Gay Xenu? At least Tommy let go of Katie for a second to let her pose by herself. He must have followed my advice and installed LoJack in her ass.

Tommy's dream boy, David Beckham, was also there last night with Posh. Becks is hot. Posh is not. She looks like she just finished giving the Pillsbury Doughboy an intense rim job. Flour face!

Tom Cruise's official site has launched and it's not what I would expect from a Tommy Girl website. There's no aliens, no leather, no anal beads and no shirtless pictures of David Beckham. Booooring! The site celebrates Tommy's 25 years in HO business. The site features a biography, movie trailer, crap, crap and more crap.

I have a few helpful tips for you upon visiting the site. Turn off the music RIGHT AWAY! You don't know what kind of subliminal messages are hidden in there. Also, do not register! Nothing good can come out of registering on his site. If you register, your life will end. I"ll put it that way. Lastly, do not look directly at Tommy Girl's picture. I started to and it gave me a slight craving for barley. Don't do it!

Tommy Cruise never lets go of Katie. NEVER. He's either grasping her hand or holding her back. The bitch cannot keep his hands off of her. He might as well put a leash on her. Better yet, install LoJack in her ass. If Katie wasn't a robot, she would probably tell him to step the fuck off.

The twin aliens went to see "The Country Girl" on Broadway last night. Please. You know Tommy Girl really wanted to go see Xanadu. He totally knows all the steps and songs. I know I do. Well, I'm gay. We know these things.

Here's also some pics of TomKat with Suri boarding a helicopter earlier today. If Tommy wasn't busy trying to keep Katie from running away, he'd notice that Suri isn't wearing shoes. The precious robot is cold! Put some Uggs on those feetsies. Damn.

Suri and those two creepy aliens were in NYC today. I should stalk their asses and throw water on Katie to see if she malfunctions.

Did Suri get into Tommy Girl's Miss Clairol stash, because homegirl's hair looks lighter. I know it's the thing in Hollywood to go lighter, but the girl is 2. She should at least wait until she's 3! What's next? A titty job?

I'm sure it's natural. Suri keeps it real. Seriously, she probably just walked in on Tommy Girl doing Xenu knows what and her hair went light from the shock of it all.

And someone should really check Suri into Promises for her barley water addiction. It's getting a little out of hand. We're going to find her roaming the farms and fields jonesing for a barley fix.

I am so fucking disappointed. Oprah is getting a letter from me! Today, the first part of Oprah's interview with Tommy Girl aired. First of all, Tommy Girl was so cool and calm the whole time. He must have had a good 3-hour session with his Xenu dildo, because he kept the crazy to a minimum. They talked about everything from Nicole Kidman to Scientology to Brooke Shields to Suri to KATE Holmes. Yeah, Oprah and Tommy kept calling her Kate. That's her Alien Robot name.

UsWeekly has a bunch of quotes from the interview, but I learned nothing new. He answered everything correctly and made sure to not unleash the insanity completely. Oprah could have at least thrown him a curve ball and asked him how big John Travolta's asshole stretched? Something!

AND Suri wasn't even there!!! ILLEGAL!

The clip above is the first few minutes of the episode where Oprah arrives at Tommy Girl's Telluride, CO estate. He is greeted by Tommy and Robot Kate. Katie only sticks around a little bit, but makes sure to say "I love you" like 3 times. There was a glitch in her programming. She was only supposed to say it once.

A chill went up my ass crack when Tommy showed Oprah Suri's "little office" underneath the stairs. The things that go on in there........ Hold me...I'm scared...

Seriously, Oprah better bring out the crazy from Tommy on Monday.

Think about it. Scientology boot camp is probably filled with a bunch of suppressed homos that are just aching to get their jaws around any cock and ass. Throw in a few dozen bottles of barley water and you've got yourself a party right there. Eff prison! I'm going to break into Scientology boot camp.

Star Magazine claims Katie Holmes recently spent 3 days at Gold Base, the Scientology compound in Hemet, CA. An inside source said she went through serious tests and purification sessions. Tommy Girl banished Katie to the compound, because she wanted to go to NYC by herself and star on Broadway.

The source said the boot camp includes, "various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes. Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels." One of the auditing sessions reportedly lasts 36 hours with little sleep and food.

No wonder Katie always looks like Skeletor's penis. The bitch is girl and hungry.