TomKat

I figured Tommy Girl was into rough nasty shit (i.e. fingering himself in the mirror, watching his own Scientology video on a loop, etc....), but who knew he was capable of beating down disobedient Scientologists (sarcasm = this is it).

Mark "Marty" Rathbun, a former high-ranking Scientologist, claims that Scientology leader David Miscavige regularly beat on the staff when they didn't obey him. Marty tells the NYDN about an incident at Scientology's headquarters in Hemet, CA a couple of years ago.

Before Tommy Girl's arrival at the compound, David Miscavige forced the managers to go through the "Tom Cruise Preparation Arrival Drill." The drill involves the managers polishing his favorite ass beads, making sure his room is fully stocked with hard peen and cueing up the Spice Girls song "Outer Space Girls" for his big entrance. David also asked the managers to take care of 3 insubordinate officials who were being held at Scientology's prisonlike facility called "The Hole."

After the drill was completed, David Miscavige addressed the 80 to 100 managers. David was not happy that they failed to beat the 3 "prisoners." Marty said, “Miscavige berated the managers for being far too light in their demands for confessions, because they refused to beat them ... to pulps. Miscavige said that Tom … had vowed to come to the Hole and personally ‘beat the living (bleep)’ out of Yager, Leserve and Mithoff (the 3 prisoners) if the managers failed to do so themselves. In response, the mob rushed at the three targeted gentlemen. Fists flew and feet kicked into the three. They continued to pound until … each had two black eyes.”

Scientology's official spokescrazy, Tommy Davis, said that the three officials have all provided sworn affidavits stating they were not beat. Tommy also said that Marty was fired from Scientology because they caught him beating other members.

Marty admits to delivering beat downs, but said he was only following orders from David Miscavige.

THE HOLE?! Tommy Girl beating on men?! This sounds like a treatment for the worst gay porn movie ever made. And if Tommy Girl really wanted to torture a bitch, he would just have to beat on his own peen in their presence. MERCY!

Awwww. How touching. Doesn't this look like a still from a commercial for Summer's Eve? Look at Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie strolling arm-in-arm. Tommy is a little embarrassed to ask Stepford Katie if she's ever had that not so fresh feeling? Katie is one with that feeling since she's married to a gigantic used butt plug.

Here's Tommy and Katie spending some precious girl time together on the set of his movie in Boston yesterday. And by "girl time," I mean publicity time, of course. Although, I don't know if anyone told Tommy that Katie was going to touch him during their staged photo shoot. That wasn't in the script. Tommy looks a little confused and uncomfortable by the whole thing. I bet his sphincter got the shakes and then passed out.

Bronson Pinchot pirouetted into our no-hearts when he spilled the shit on Tommy Girl, Denzel Washington and Eddie Murphy to The Onion's A.V. Club. In the interview, which was so beautiful that I almost tattooed it to my asshole (it's long enough), Bronson said that Denzel is about as pleasant as taking a dump in a truck stop bathroom, and that Tommy Girl is an expert at telling homophobic jokes (example: "You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?").

The Wall Street Journal contacted Bronson to see if he was just making jokes or if he was being serious. Bronson took the time to explain:

WSJ: Were you serious or joking when you said Tom Cruise made “constant unrelated homophobic comments” while on the “Risky Business” set?

"The context of the question was, 'how did he strike me as a person' at a point in his career when he was a virtual unknown. And my answer was that, coming straight out of the world of theater, as essentially all the supporting male actors did, where homophobic language was not heard, I remember thinking his use of it was remarkable and excessive; however, it is also true to say, in hindsight, that for a 20 year-old with no background in theater, such language is actually unremarkable. Which I did not know at 23."

WSJ: What about the remark that Denzel Washington is one of the most unpleasant people you’ve met?

"I regret my choice of words there, and would like to amend my statement by saying I found his willingness to be ungenerous, unkind, knowingly hurtful both mentally and physically to myself and the crew to be the saddest misuse of stardom I have ever experienced or hope to experience."

WSJ: Did either actor, or their reps, contact you after the story broke?

"No."

So, basically, Bronson is standing by his words of poetry. If that man ever needs a nipple, he can have mine.

And Tommy Girl hasn't contacted Bronson, because he's waiting until the two meet in a dark alley somewhere. When that moment finally comes, Tommy will snap at Suri to hit "play" on his princess boombox, and he will challenge Bronson to a swish off! Bronson better work on his sway, because Tommy will bring it hard!

Since it's Tommy Girl Day (aka Alien Queef Day) on Dlisted, here's a hilarious quote from UsWeekly. At a Scientology event in England last week, Tommy got all huffy over protesters outside of the venue. Tommy reportedly told a friend:

"They're squirrels. Stuck in an electronic incident. It makes me so angry!"

Tommy Girl getting angry makes all of laugh. Even the squirrels! Speaking of, in Scientology jargon, a "squirrel" is a bad bad traitor. Specifically, a bad traitor who changes the techniques of Scientology. So Tommy really BURNED them. You go, girl!

And Katie Holmes probably wishes her squirrel was stuck in an "electronic incident," because it probably hasn't creamed since 2006.

(Image VIA ICHC)

It's the Tommy Girl Hour of Crazy since this is my second post in a row on everyone's least favorite homo-midget. If I go for three, this website will suddenly become Hubbardlisted and anyone who has ever commented on a Tommy post will never be heard from again. We'll all become Suri's slaves. Let's not cross that spaceship bridge....

While watching American Pyshco, I just knew that Patrick Bateman's "skin-crawling" smirk and crazy eyes seemed strangely familiar. That's because Christian Bale used Tommy Girl as his inspiration for the sexiest serial killer in North America. But instead of violently jumping on couches, Patrick Bateman violently jumps on cooches.

Mary Harron, the director of American Psycho, told BlackBook Magazine about how she developed the character of Patrick Bateman with Christian Bale, "It was definitely a process. We talked a lot, but he was in L.A. and I was in New York. We didn’t actually meet in person a lot, just talked on the phone. We talked about how Martian-like Patrick Bateman was, how he was looking at the world like somebody from another planet, watching what people did and trying to work out the right way to behave. And then one day he called me and he had been watching Tom Cruise on David Letterman, and he just had this very intense friendliness with nothing behind the eyes, and he was really taken with this energy."

Cue Tommy screaming to Christian, "You and me are fucking done professionally!"

HAHAHAHA! Doesn't it make your soul sing to think that a crazed maniacal lunatic like Tommy was the inspiration for a crazed maniacal lunatic like Patrick Bateman?! They both make my asshole clench up like a cold wind is passing through, so this makes all kinds of sense! The only difference is that I'd probably unclench my fuck part for Patrick as long as he put the chainsaws, rats and cheese in the other room.

Bronson Pinchot (aka Balki from Perfect Strangers) must have been sipping on the finest wine cooler and toking on some serious shit during his interview with The Onion's A.V. Club, because he was feeling mighty comfortable. There was no leash on Bronson's mouth.

You just want to curl up besides him with your bong, and let him whisper about how Bette Midler was such a cunt to her director or how Mischa Barton explodes into a typhoon of tears when you make fun of her ass. Good shit. But the best part of the interview is the picture Bronson paints of the maniacal gay troll known as Tommy Girl.

Bronson worked with Tommy on Risky Business, and said that not only was he as boring as a broken vibrator, but he also made awkward and random homophobic comments all the time. Hmm...I wonder why.

Bronson said, "We thought Tom [Cruise] was the biggest bore on the face of the Earth. He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, 'You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?' I mean, his lingo was larded with the most… There was no basis for it. It was like, 'It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.' Very, very strange. Years and years later when people started to torment him with that, I used to think 'God, that’s really fitting, because he tormented a lot of people as a 20-year-old.' He made such a big deal about it. Same thing with Eddie Murphy—I remember somebody calling and saying, 'You’ll never guess who was just caught with a transvestite!' [Laughs.] And I remember thinking that seemed fitting, because there are certain people in showbiz who make it an agenda, every third sentence has to have something knocking that life choice, and you think, 'What are you doing?'"

GOLD COVERED GOLD! "You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?" is the funniest thing that has ever come out of Tommy Girl's mouth! Homealien could headline the Queens of Comedy if he continued to say shit like that. But I'm sure Tommy Girl no longer makes such comments since the aliens cured him of his asshole's thirst for hard dick. Right.

And who does Bronson think is the most unpleasant human being on earth? No, it's not Tommy. Bronson said that working with Denzel Washington on Courage Under Fire was complete torture, "He’s one of the most unpleasant human beings I’ve ever met in my life, but he’s this mega-superstar. He was really abusive to me and everybody on that movie, and his official explanation was that his character didn’t like me, but it was a dreadful experience. I spent my salary on time with my shrink just for helping me get through it, and what that led to was the very next big movie that I did. I should have said to the producers, 'You get that guy in line, or I’m out of here.' Life’s too short."

Read the rest of the interview at The A.V. Club. Bronson should really put these stories into song and take this shit to Broadway.

Stepford Katie has already said that Tommy Girl smacks his lips, rotates his head and gives her the "Girl, no you didn't" eye whenever she's wearing a dress he doesn't approve of. Well, at last night's Elle's Women in Hollywood Tribute, Katie told UsWeekly that Suri is her main stylist and picks out most of her outfits. A three-old dressing a robot. There's a sitcom in there somewhere.

Katie said, "She loves clothes and picks out her own." Apparently, Suri even picked out the ensemble Katie's wearing here including that sheer blouse with the black bra. SURI THE HARLOT! In all seriousness, I'm not surprised to hear that Suri is Katie's stylist. I mean, I've always figured Suri had an intense fascination with the 90s (example: Katie's overuse of tight-rolled jeans).

One of Katie's friends (HA! Like she has those) said that Suri not only calls the shots when it comes to fashion. Suri is the BOSS OF EVERYTHING! The friend said, "Suri makes the rules and Tom and Katie go along with it. She is not a spoiled brat, but she is the center of their universe."

Xenu trembles in Suri's presence, because she really is the Queen of the Aliens. You know that kind of hurts Tommy since he's been forced to put away his "Queen of the Aliens" sash.

According to The Daily Mail, Tommy Girl has finally let Stepford Katie call a shot by allowing her to enroll Suri into a Catholic pre-school in Boston. Apparently, Katie and Tommy have been fighting about where to send Suri. Stepford Katie won and is sending Suri to the Catholic Charities Yawkey Centre For Early Education And Learning. For being a pre-school, that name is really damn long. You need an English degree to read that shit.

Anyway, a source said, "They had been having huge problems agreeing on her school. To say they were having arguments is putting it mildly – but Tom came around to the idea in the end." More like "Tom came while getting it in the end." Seriously, in order for Tommy to agree, Katie had to take a dildo to his Scientohole while dressed up as L. Ron Hubbard.

The school's website makes it sound like it's more of a daycare program than an actual School of JEEEBUS. So I doubt Suri will be re-enacting the birth of Baby Jesus (she could totally play Mary, though) or throwing her hands up in the air to feel the spirit. However, you know her ass will be sneaking off to sip the wine with the other kids. I mean, that's the best part of Catholic school!

Here's Suri with Tommy and Katie in Boston yesterday. Save your "SHE'S NOT WEARING A JACKET" screams for another day. A jacket doesn't go with that outfit, and Suri is willing to freeze in the name of fashion.

Tommy Girl had the day off from shooting that movie yesterday, so he took his family out to Cambridge, MA for a little fun in the sun. And by "sun," I mean the flash bulbs from the paparazzi cameras. Seriously, they even put Suri on display in the window of a cupcake shop. Not so subtle.

But Suri proved once again that she's the most talented one in that family. Suri goes from making a "What in Xenu hell are you looking at?" face to a "Hey Girl Hey" face to a "Please Take Me Home!" face to a "I iz eating that cupcake with my eyes (Ode to Stains)" face. TALENT!

And I think I'm on the Suri Diet without even knowing it. I mean, just like Suri, all I eat is cupcakes and ice cream. Sure, I don't drink barley water, but I do get for THIRSTAY for beer. Barley water is just like beer but without the fun.

Here's a little tale that will tickle your tonsils and make your genitals pass out. Some source (*cough*Tommy's dildo cleaner*cough*) told OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that Stepford Katie is helping her alien master lose some chunk in his titties by giving sex to him any chance she gets. I tried picturing these two assholes rubbing on each other, but all I got was a 404 error. Katie does not have the hard drive needed to make Tommy's pussy pucker. Does not compute.

Just for farts and giggles, let's see what the source had to say about this shit: “Tom had been complaining about how hard it is to keep off the pounds, so Katie vowed to help him out. Katie read somewhere that you burn up 600 calories just by having sex three to four times a week. So she’s told Tom to think about how much they’d burn up if they put daily sex sessions on their schedule! Tom thinks the sex order is the best part of Katie’s diet plan, and he’s promised to up the bedroom romps whenever they are in the same town just for the sake of his diet!”

The only way Katie can help Tommy lose 600 calories instantly is by thrusting her robovag and jiggling her bits at him. That will make Tommy vomit from every orifice. Cue Jack Nicholson shouting, "You can't handle the cooch!"

Here's a few pictures of Tommy butching it up on the set of Wichita in Boston yesterday. What Village People song do you think is playing in his head? I'm going to go with a medley of "Macho Man/Can't Stop The Music."