TomKat

OK! Magazine is saying that manskank A-Rod has replaced Kate Hudson with Cameron Diaz as his part-time fuck partner. Apparently, A-Roidy and Cameron dry humped and slobbered on each other at a Super Bowl party in Miami on Saturday night. Where was the dog catcher with a garden hose when we really needed one?

The witness-type said that a drunk ass Cameron was freaking on A-Rod all night, “A-Rod and Cameron have been totally hooking up. They were having a great time. Cameron was grinding on A-Rod.”

Cameron Diaz should not be grinding on A-Rod at some party. Cameron shouldn't even be at a party to begin with. Cameron should be at the doctor's office to figure out why her face looks like a week-old pizza slice that has been reheated in the microwave. Bitch's face is melting! Although, grinding on A-Rod could be the cause of that.

Here's A-Rod and Cameron posing with two leather daddies on Saturday night. Tommy Girl must have let out an after-butt-sex queef while this picture was taken, because Stepford Katie looks like she's in the middle of a face seizure.

At a Golden Globes pre-party in Los Angeles on Friday night, People Magazine wanted to ask Stepford Kate a few questions about 3-year-old Suri since she's the most famous and interesting bot in that family.

People asked Katie how Suri was doing, then they turned her around and yanked on her pull-string for the answer. Katie responded with, "She's doing really well." People pulled again, "She's growing up really, really fast." The third time they pulled on her string, Katie started sputtering the lyrics to an ABBA song (Tommy Girl's doing), so People had to shake her a bit. Then they pulled her string again and she went on about Suri, "She is spectacular. She is magical."

Even Suri is rolling her eyes to that as she touches up her MAC lipstick. I mean, can't Tommy Girl update Stepford Katie's vocabulary, so she can stop describing everything as "spectacular" and "magical." Bitch is the Snow White of robots.

Besides, if Suri really did have magical powers, she would've turned her parents into a pair of Jimmy Choos by now.

If you drove to work today in a 1987 Nissan Maxima with 340,000 miles on the odometer, cardboard over the broken windows, "can't get clean" seats, and a busted radio that only picks up the Christian station (you know who you are), then you might want to stop reading this. A source tells News.com.au that Tommy Girl bought 3-year-old Suri a $30,000 custom-made miniature replica of an Indy race car.

The source went on to say, “Suri has been mesmerized by auto racing n TV so he thought it would be fun for her to have her own little car to ride in. If Suri truly takes to the sport, Tom plans on having a little race track installed at his L.A. property. But for now she’ll just be going up and down the family’s long driveway.”

Let's get really really REAL here. Suri didn't want that mini race car. If Suri wanted a car, she'd request a burgundy Cadillac Deville with gold-plated accents, tan leather seats and a driver in a tuxedo. Suri is a REFINED LADY. She doesn't play around with stupid race cars.

Tommy Girl ordered that miniature race car for himself, because he heard it makes the boys coo. So if you see Tommy Girl riding around on a booster seat in a toy race car, just coo at him. It'll make his no-no's day.

Cameron Diaz and Tommy Girl shot a movie together like four eye blinks ago, and there's already a trailer out. It's called Knight & Day, which is a title I do not appreciate. I mean, that title should be reserved for the inevitable feature film starring Kath Day-Knight from Kath & Kim:

Okay, I guess I shouldn't be too bitched (I accidentally wrote that instead of "pissed" and it's staying) off since it's not called Day & Knight. But still.

Anyway, the trailer looks like something you've seen a million times before. While watching it I couldn't stop thinking about how they made Tommy Girl the same height as Pizza Face.

My guess is that Tommy Girl was rocking his Louboutins to give him BIG GIRL HEIGHT! Tommy Girl can kick, stretch and kick in his Louboutins. Suri taught him well.

In 2001, Tommy Girl filed a lawsuit against the then-editor of Bold magazine Michael David Sapir for claiming to have a video of Tommy partaking in a little gay stuff with another dude (just another home movie). The lawsuit was settled and Michael David issued a statement saying he lied about the tape. Well, 8 years later and now it's Michael David's turn to sue. Radar says that Michael David is suing Tommy Girl for spying on him by tapping his phone line. Michael David wants at least $5 million from Tommy Girl's lube fund.

In the court documents, Michael David claims that during the 2001 lawsuit, TG hired Anthony Pellicano, the sleazy P.I. who was convicted of wiretapping last year, to tappity tap tap his phone line.

You know Tommy Girl tapped Michael David's phone himself. Tommy jumps at any chance to slip on his custom-made Emma Peel catsuit. Michael David probably realized something in the milk wasn't clean when he noticed that all his dirty underwear was gone and that someone left a Shirley Bassey disc in his CD player.

I think it's safe to assume that Tommy Girl and his band of merry aliens have tapped all of our phone lines. This is why we should go back to communicating like we did when we were kids. We knew what was up back then. We only had conversations through soup cans, fake Barbie rotary phones, interpretive dance and booger notes. You can't tap any of that shit!

You know, I'm beginning to think that Tommy Girl is living vicariously through his 3-year-old daughter. Every night, Tommy Girl cuddles up with his L. Ron Hubbard real doll while dreaming of pirouetting through the parks of Sevilla, Spain in a ruffly pink Flamenco dress, Minnie Mouse's ho stroll heels and plastic clip-on earrings.

Since David Miscavige would confiscate his Hubbard real doll if he did this in real-life, he sends Suri out to do instead. When Tommy gets home, he spends hours Photoshopping his head over Suri's body, so he can live out his dream through pictures! True story.

Anyways, here's Tommy, Suri and that weepy robot giant strolling through Sevilla yesterday afternoon.

In the new issue of OK! Magazine, they claim Stepford Katie has agreed to get sexy with a turkey baster filled with L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm as long as Tommy Girl puts $75 million in her piggy bank. Yeah, I don't know why the Scientology scientists have yet to find a way for Tommy Girl to carry his own spawn. I mean, he has the tits for it. But whatever.

According to some source, Stepford Katie plans to give Tommy a Scientology golden child sometime next year. The source went on to say a bunch of shit that really doesn't make sense, “She no longer feels like she’s just Mrs. Cruise. She’s her own person again. She and Tom have their disagreements, but deep down they love each other very much. That’s what is important.”

No, what's important is that he's giving her $75 million so that one day she can cleanse herself of his craziness in a tub full of liquid gold. You know what else is important? The fact that Suri isn't even mentioned in this article! Suri is the one who is sacrificing the most!

A baby will disturb Suri's beauty sleep, gnaw on her prized kitten heels, slobber all over her favorite lipsticks and steal from her stash of booze. Suri is the one who should be getting $75 million, because a stupid baby is going to RUIN HER LIFE!

P.S. - Nicole Kidman needs to stop. We don't care that the burrito she ate is giving her the farts.

Stepford Katie and Tommy Girl are getting shit from child experts and foot doctors who say that 3-year-old Suri Cruise is fucking up her tiny feet by strutting the streets in kitten heels. Stepford Katie says Suri loves playing with Tommy Girl's high heels and doesn't think there's anything wrong with her wearing them out and about. Suri really is her father's daughter.

Katie told Access Hollywood (via UsWeekly), "Like every little girl, she loves my high heels. They are actually ballroom dancing shoes for kids. I found them for her and she loves them."

Bitches need to put their assholes in a bowl of ice and calm down! If Suri Cruise needs get a foot transplant like Posh in a few years, that's on her! Actually, I don't think that's going to happen. In a couple of years, Tommy Girl is going to confiscate all of Suri's prized heels, because he's not going to like walking around with a 5-year-old daughter who is taller than him. Tommy Girl will not be shown up like that!

Hooray! Suri Cruise has graduated from the bottle. At lunch yesterday, Suri, being the elegant lady of the world that she is, sipped from a fancy wine glass. No need to place a call to CPS, because Suri wasn't drinking wine. Wine messes with her stomach and makes her all Kathie Lee Gifford-like. Suri was just sipping on a little gin with a splash of soda. It's all fine.

Here's more of Suri with her two slaves, Stepford Katie and Isabella, lunching and shopping in NYC yesterday afternoon.

I figured Tommy Girl was into rough nasty shit (i.e. fingering himself in the mirror, watching his own Scientology video on a loop, etc....), but who knew he was capable of beating down disobedient Scientologists (sarcasm = this is it).

Mark "Marty" Rathbun, a former high-ranking Scientologist, claims that Scientology leader David Miscavige regularly beat on the staff when they didn't obey him. Marty tells the NYDN about an incident at Scientology's headquarters in Hemet, CA a couple of years ago.

Before Tommy Girl's arrival at the compound, David Miscavige forced the managers to go through the "Tom Cruise Preparation Arrival Drill." The drill involves the managers polishing his favorite ass beads, making sure his room is fully stocked with hard peen and cueing up the Spice Girls song "Outer Space Girls" for his big entrance. David also asked the managers to take care of 3 insubordinate officials who were being held at Scientology's prisonlike facility called "The Hole."

After the drill was completed, David Miscavige addressed the 80 to 100 managers. David was not happy that they failed to beat the 3 "prisoners." Marty said, “Miscavige berated the managers for being far too light in their demands for confessions, because they refused to beat them ... to pulps. Miscavige said that Tom … had vowed to come to the Hole and personally ‘beat the living (bleep)’ out of Yager, Leserve and Mithoff (the 3 prisoners) if the managers failed to do so themselves. In response, the mob rushed at the three targeted gentlemen. Fists flew and feet kicked into the three. They continued to pound until … each had two black eyes.”

Scientology's official spokescrazy, Tommy Davis, said that the three officials have all provided sworn affidavits stating they were not beat. Tommy also said that Marty was fired from Scientology because they caught him beating other members.

Marty admits to delivering beat downs, but said he was only following orders from David Miscavige.

THE HOLE?! Tommy Girl beating on men?! This sounds like a treatment for the worst gay porn movie ever made. And if Tommy Girl really wanted to torture a bitch, he would just have to beat on his own peen in their presence. MERCY!