Photoshop Awards

No, this is not a picture of Kate Gosselin's possum head in better days. This is an expertly Photoshopped picture of some kind of animal creature named Max. According to The Sun, Max is Britain's perfect pet! Max is also a perfect nightmare!

So, Scientists pushed aside less important projects like "finding a cure for cancer" and "finding out what exactly made Jon Gosselin turn full douche" to study what makes the perfect pet. They took to the streets and asked 2,000 people what kind of traits they look for when choosing an animal friend. Based on those results, they came up with this!

Max has the ears of a rabbit, the face of a cat, the body of a golden retriever and the tail of a horse. Max sleeps for 9 hours a day and he loves taking walks. And he will probably suck the life out of you when you sleep or chew at your toes when you're sitting on the couch.

You know, they should've asked my ass what traits I look for in a perfect pet. The perfect pet to me is one who doesn't piss on my shoes, who doesn't bark when I have a hangover and who will go out and get a job so it can support my ass. Can Max do all that? If so, send me two of him and I'll find a way to deal with his creepy looks.

Nia Long refuses to wear fur, but she's okay with wearing ten million layers of Photoshop! This is a true fuck job.

The Photoshop fairies must have had a raging boner, because they got a little too excited with the mouse. Those bitches made her crotch area look like that of a Barbie's. They also erased her damn belly button!! Or maybe it fell off when she pressed it against that subway pole. Seriously, don't try this at home. When I touch a subway pole for too long it starts to sting, so I don't even want to know how it feels when you press your genitals against it. The subway pole is where Parasite Hilton's pussy flu germs go to retire. Even the free clinic can't help you.

And here's a little quote from Nia that should singe your eyelashes:

"When I became a mother, I started to really understand the importance of all living creatures in a way that I didn’t ever think about before. And I’ve realized how important it is that we really take responsibility for … treating animals with love and care just like we would any human being. There’s no difference, in my opinion, [between fur and] slavery or the Holocaust. It’s just that we’re not dealing with human beings, we’re dealing with animals, but it’s still a living thing.”

Peta VIA YBF

This is 51-year-old Sharon Stone with her chichis out on the cover of Paris Match. In case you couldn't tell, they used a whole lot of fards for these pictures. Fards everywhere! Fards on her face! Fards on her hair! Fards on her teefs! Fards on her elbows! Fards on her titty sacks! Fards on her nipples! Fards on her pussy bone! Fards! Fards! Fards! They also used a whole lot of le Photoshop. They really brought the Pshop fuckery American-style! I'm surprised her nipples aren't pixelated.

Now, I'm not doubting that Sharon Stone has a hot body, but she does not have skin like a brand new mannequin out of the factory.

Warning: Clicking on some of the thumbnails below may result in a cougar nipple hitting you in the face.

This terrifying photo of Jon Gosselin on InTouch is even making Shiloh sad. SAD SHILOH. Think of the messiahs!

It looks like they lazily sprayed Jon's face with a caramel frosting mist, stuck some swap meet-bought contacts into his eyes to cover up the blood shotties and then finished him off by dabbing his lips with Saaphyri's Lip Chap mixed with the thick tears from his nutsack. The end result is even making Kate Gosselin's possum head flash the sign of the cross while hissing in fear.

Anytheyshouldveshoppedabiggernutsackonhim, Jon also gave an interview to InTouch where he says Kate QUIT his ass and Hailey is the only trick he's banging on the regular. Here's some highlights. And by "highlights," I mean "grosslights."

Why did she want to break up?
I think she initiated the split because she wanted a career. Maybe I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, and she was going to move on regardless. I said, “Are you sure about this?”

Did you want to work it out?
Yes, I asked, “What do I have to do to mend the relationship? What did I do wrong?” I was beating myself up about it. So I read a lot of books about personalities, like The Five Love Languages. Throughout the marriage, I felt like my personality had changed a lot. In December, I went to therapy. I asked Kate to come, but she didn’t want to. She said, “If you have a problem, go fix it.”

When did you and Kate start living separate lives?
We went to Utah on January 1. On January 12, she flew back with security and I stayed. That’s when I started to just hang out and meet people, and feel free. Not too many girls, just with my guy friends. I couldn’t do that for nine years. When I came back on the 17th, Kate and I weren’t talking. So I just said, “I’m moving out of the house,” and that was it.

What was your first relationship?
Hailey — it started around May. She is the polar opposite of Kate. It’s really different. I feel good about myself and people see my good qualities. I’m not being put down. If I want to go out with my friends, Hailey says, “Oh, go out.” I’m not used to that. I was used to, “No, no, it’s your fault.” Sometimes I ask Hailey permission, like I used to do with Kate, and she says, “You don’t have to ask permission.” I was used to living like that, and now it’s like a breath of fresh air. You can have a balanced relationship but also spend time with your friends.

How did you fall in love with Hailey?
We started talking and got along well. I started getting really attracted to her, like, on the phone. She really listened to me and took in what I was saying. Then she came back to her parents’ house in May and I went up to see her. We hit it off. It was great. She is amazing.

Kate Major said she was dating you.
I felt like, “Okay, I have a cool new person in New York and we can just go out for dinner.” Then it was a conflict of interest with her work. I have always been true to Hailey.

When will you introduce Hailey as your girlfriend to the kids?
I think it would have to be after the divorce is finalized. I can’t just show up with Hailey. I think we all need a little routine in our lives. Right now, it’s helter-skelter. Once there is a routine, we’ll start off slowly, like going out to dinner. We are dealing with eight different personalities, and they will each handle it in different ways. They may never be comfortable.

Jon, please borrow on of your kids' old binkies and go bawl by yourself in the corner. This whole "wah wah wah" act is about to expire. Yes, Kate is the cunt of all cunts, but nobody puts a gun to his crotch and made him stay for so long. Actually, maybe she did. I wouldn't put it past her.

And I hope Jon introduces Hailey to his child army soon rather than later. Because I can't wait for the very special episode of Jon H8s Kate where Hailey shows the children how to make a bong using an apple during craft time. YAY!

Just take the essence of Prostitution Whore from The Real Housewives of NJ, stir in a drop Swan Brooner's tears of determination, throw in every single item Contempo Casuals made in 1988 and blend until creamy. After you pour it into a bowl and sprinkle a handful of Victoria Gotti's dandruff on top, you will have this picture! This is just more Photoshop fakery from Candie's!

You won't be seeing this one hanging in the middle of a Kohl's anytime soon, because it was an outtake. They probably woke up, smelled the Cheeto smegma and realized this picture looked it belonged in a catalog for mail order mob wives (please tell me such a thing exists).

Here's some un-touched pictures of Brit Brit with her soulmate Frapp (WITH WHIP!!!) yesterday in Los Angeles. It's always amazing to see pictures of Brit like the one above, because she never needs help from the Photoshop fairies. Behold her natural beauty!

SANTO DIOS! Were the bitches at Vogue España sniffing a little "Blohan Special" while they put this cover together and proclaimed her as the nueva Marilyn Monroe?! More like NEVAH Marilyn. Zing?

You can't just throw a kitchen blonde wig on and go skipping around singing that you're the new Marilyn. Trust me, I learned the hard way a few Halloweens back when some mean ass tranny threw a Long Island Iced Tea at me for doing just that. Someone needs to throw a fucking Long Island Iced Tea at this trick! Bitches need to stop trying to make "HoHan as Marilyn Monroe" happen. Let's not do Marilyn like that.

HoHan looks more like Vadge after getting stretched ala Gumby and run through the Photoshop grinder a few times.

This is the cover for Whit Whit's big comeback album and I hope she stamped it with a giant HELL TO THE NO when she saw it. The Photoshop fuckery aside, they couldn't find a picture with a better expression than this mess? Whit's giving me a cross between "My doody bubble got stuck" face and "You got another ciggie?" face.

Although, I do approve of her Beverly Hills Teens earrings. They got that right.

This is the cover for Kelly Clarkon's newest single "Already Gone." Hopefully, Kelly Clarkson got that fancy chola tear drop for murdering these jeans.

I won't be surprised if one of my cholita cousins end up in urgent care this weekend after trying to recreate this look using a hot glue gun and a rhinestone. Chola beauty is pain.

Here's also some promo shots from the video. I wish Kelly would've stuck with the theme of the cover by wearing pleated Dickies and a wife beater.

If my little 6-year-old cousin handed me these pictures and said, "Look what I colored! And I stayed in the lines," I would totally believe her. I would also pat her on the head, give her a losing scratcher ticket (they don't know the difference) for a job well done and then immediately marinate my hand in a bowl of Purell. Kids have cooties. I would never guess that these are actual pictures taken with an actual camera. Photoshop fuckery to the extreme.

This is one of those "fuckit" jobs too. The hos at Candie's handed these pictures over to the Pshop artistes at 4:45pm on a Friday. They just slapped this shit together so they could hurry up and get to happy hour. Fuck, they probably did this job at happy hour. I mean, look at that white fence. Fences aren't supposed to look like that in real real. Although, the fence still looks better than Brit Brit's Kim Zolciak-approved wig. There's a tightrope...

And what is with Brit Brit's horse obsession? This is some Equus shit! Cheeto-uus!

They tell me this is Shakira, but it looks more like something you get when you rub Brit Brit and Sasha Fierce together. Actually, I think when you rub those two together you get pork grease, condensed labia leche and bronzer.

Shakira took a crash course in "How To Ho It Up To Sell Records" and I'm all for it. If the video is anything like this single cover then I can't wait to see what the glittery gays of YouTube are going to do with it. They better have an ice pack on their nuts right now, because their tuck game will have to be on point.

VIA ONTD