Reese Witherspoon

Yes, Jakey Poo is in the picture above. He's walking backwards so that the paps can get a shot of his hot ass. Power bottoms love to show off their best feature. Anygay, UsWeekly reports that Jakey Poo has packed up his Strawberry Shortcake suitcase and moved in with Reese Witherspoon and her kids. The kids are calling him Auntie Jake.

A source said that this is their first step towards marriage, "Marriage is definitely what they are working toward. They literally don't want to spend any time away from each other." Literally? They even do caca times together? That must be interesting.

Should I start to believe that this relationship is for reals and that Jakey Poo doesn't enjoy a juicy man tongue in his hedgehog hole? I mean, how long can they possibly keep this charade going? Wait, how long have John Travolta and Kelly Preston been married? That would answer my question.

Jakey Poo is totally checking out some hot ass in the picture above. Reese is thinking, "Why won't Jakey Poo play with my panty hamster?" Sigh.

Here's Jakey and his main fag hag cuddling outside of a restaurant yesterday. Reese is looking like a little pregnant in the belly. This is obviously impossible. You can't get pregnant from "tickle and giggle" sessions. It's just Shirley Temple bloat.

A girl can't have a pretzel with extra cheese without people speculating that she's knocked up. I mean this is Reese Witherspoon we're talking about. I haven't been to a sex education class in a long time, but don't you have to engage in intercourse in order to get pregnant? I doubt her tickle sessions with Jakey Poo lead to anything more. Well, it leads to them doing each other's hair and crank calling Jennifer Aniston. They call Aniston and say, "Hi honey. It's John. Will you marry me?" When Jenny says "yes," they cackle and hang up on her.

Here's Reese with pretzel bloat at the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer yesterday in DC.