Carrot Top

I just had to stick a bucket under my ass and hope for the best after seeing these panty pudding inducing pictures of Carrot Top with a meatball in his mouth. You know, I bet his personal skin meatballs look a lot like that. Well, with a red fern field growing on them, of course.

Gene Simmons and Carrot Versatile shared a romantic dinner together at the ultra elegant Buca di Beppo in Las Vegas last night. This is like a fucked up version of Lady and the Tramp. ManLady and the Roidhead.

Bitches always think I'm joking when I say that my no-no instantly turns into a yes-yes for Carrot Top. This is not a joke. I'd ride that Carrot until it turned pureed carrots. I'd mash that shit down faster than a fucking Beaba Babycooker. My ass would look like that bowl of spaghetti when I was done with him. And that's the ugly, horrifying truth.

As you can see from the big yellow letters above, Hugh Jackman is People's Sexiest Man Alive. And as you can see from my headline, Carrot Top was once again robbed! Why does People Magazine hate carrots so much? Maybe they figured that if they put him on the cover an all-out riot would break out, because bitches would stab each other in the eyes to get a copy. Yeah, that's probably it. He better not get passed up for People's Sexiest Mutant Alive title.

I guess Hugh Jackman is a close second behind Carrot Top. I'm okay with the cover, but it needs more...um...more...nudity. And the cover also should have been Hugh making THIS FACE. Now that shit is sexy.

Hugh said that when his wife found out he was the sexiest man alive, she said, "Obviously, Brad wasn't available this year." Just like Kim from the "Housewives of Atlanta" (see below), Hugh's wife is a vampire who can't see her own reflection in the mirror. If I was her, I would've shouted, "OH YES! You're the sexiest bitch past, present and future. You are hotter than a Wonky's pussy in a convection oven. Please never leave me. Please! Please!" Because the woman should be sucking the cheddar out of his peen for staying with her.

The rest of People's list includes some of the usual suspects:

Daniel Craig - I give this pick two dildo claps!
Jon Hamm - See above and add an extra clap!
Zac Efron - No, but he's a shoo-in for the sexiest pretty princess award!
Robert Buckley - Stop trying to make "Lipstick Jungle" happen!
Blair Underwood - Fuck, fuck yes.
Ed Westwick - See above and add two extra fucks.
Michael Phelps - No. The body is sexy, but the face didn't get the memo.
Blake Shelton - Who?!
Lang Lang - See above and add an extra question mark.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar - Is it 1990 again?
Javier Bardem - My no-no approves!
Robert Pattinson - His magical hair has hypnotized me into approving.
Joshua Jackson - Ew! Gross! Barf!
David Beckham - We get it, Becks is hot. Time to move on....

Click here if you want to see Hugh's interview interview along with pictures and shit.

Cover VIA Cover Awards

Stop fighting it and just admit that you want to spin on this hot bitch's roided-up baby carrot stick. Then you want to smear his eyeliner and Wet 'n Wild foundation with your genitals while you seductively play with his sexy hair clip. Then you want to lick Carrot Bottom's Top's eyebrows, because they taste like chili powder and DEP gel (the combination is addictive). And don't get me started on that fur burger frying on his chin.

Go home tonight, pull a carrot out and try to tell it that you don't want to make sweet love to its god, Carrot Top. Look directly at it and try to lie. You won't be able to......

Okay, I'm starting to scare myself with my CT obsession. I'm backing away and throwing all my carrots out before it's too late.

Here's a gorgeous pickled carrot hunk with some douchey guinea pig person at the opening of Tacos and Tequilas in Las Vegas last night.

Yes, I am still suffering from the terminal disease known as CarrotTopalitis. There's is nothing that can be done. I have a severe unnatural obsession with a mutant science experiment. I don't even know why, because I've heard it through the cherry tomato vine that Carrot's stick looks like a baby carrot on a pile of saffron. I don't care. I'd bounce on that mini carrot until it turned into baby food.

I am fully aware that he looks like Jackie Stallone on roids. Scratch that. I think Jackie is already on roids. Jackie Stallone on A LOT of roids.

Blame my disease. The fact that I'd let Carrot Top go fire balls deep is enough to have me institutionalized for the rest of my days.

Here's my favorite fire crotch leaving Dan Tana's in Los Angeles last night.

It was only a matter of time before someone would be inspired by the extreme sexiness of Carrot Top. John Galliano showed his Spring '09 shit in Milan Paris today and sent out his dude models with giant fire bushes sitting on their heads. This is the future of beauty! Trust this.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must run out to get a couple of spiral perms, followed by a good hair soak in Phoebe Price's bathwater.

Unfortunately, I'm doped up on every over-the-counter allergy drugs, so it's keeping me from fully enjoying these ultra hot Carrot Bottom pictures. I just want to douse him brown sugar, bake him at 450 and then devour him whole. He probably tastes like burnt yams, cocoa butter and V05 oil.

The rope belt isn't just decoration. It's holding down Carrot's weapon of mass destruction and by "weapon of mass destruction" I mean "half-eaten baby carrot."

Here's Carrot being sexy hot at the Country Music Awards last night. Phoebe Price couldn't make it, because she's in Cannes, so Carrot took her seat-filler position. Hot ginges have to stick together.

Don't laugh. This is what Lindsay Lohan is going to look like in 2 years.

It's Carrot Bottom with some poor girl at CatHouse in Las Vegas last night. I'm sure she was disappointed when she discovered Carrot Bottom's baby carrot. With that being said, I'd hit it. Well, I like the ginges!