I'm Scared

There's a few things you should no before you truthfully answer that question. This dude probably lives in a room in his grandparents house. He most likely works part-time in the storage room at a Blockbuster near his house. He eats his own semen, so he can keep his jizz count up and doesn't lose any unborn babies. He loves to spank his nalgas while he's spanking his little Jedi warrior (that's totally what he calls it) . He likes to wear diapers and isn't ashamed to admit it. He wears briefs. He "poos" in his pants sometimes. And don't even ask me what he does with all those action figures in the background. The places they've been....

So if you haven't passed out, checked yourself into the nearest hospital or barfed up all your insides yet, what's it going to be? As for me, I'd hit it. WELL, he'd clean up afterwards!

VIA Buzzfeed

Is that a belly button or did Chyna's (NSFW) mutant clit escape and take refuge on Kelly Ripa's stomach? I don't know whether to hiss at it or sit on it.

More like "Are you trying to make us barf through our eye sockets, Ms. Rinna?" I really wish Playboy made this a SANS FARDS issue. And by "fards," I mean farty turds, because then 45-year-old Lisa Rinna would never have been allowed to be on this cover.

This cover is like the scary basement door in a horror movie. You know that when you open up it, you will be violated to the point that your organs will shrivel up and die, but you can't help yourself. You want to know if the hemorrhoid lips match. Put some Prep H on it, please! I can't... I really can't...

(Thanks Ted in LA)

If you're on a diet, fuck it off and stick your face in bowl of fried lard. If for some fucked up reason you have declared celibacy, go rub and wet hump the first hot piece you see. If there's a whore out there that doesn't know how much you hate them, immediately knee them in the butt bone and destroy them with the cunt word. Because the end is near. The sky is about to turn black and the earth will implode, because Kanye West, the Overlord of the CAPS-LOCK key, stopped using CAPS. Baby Jesus, hold me in your arms and dry my tears with your breath. I'm scared.

Kanye took to his blog yesterday and his precious pinky didn't hit the CAPS-LOCK key. In fact, he correctly used CAPS in the entire post. It took me ten beats to even read this mess. Even my own CAPS-LOCK key looks a little sadder today, because Kanye has abandoned it. However, it doesn't look like he's abandoned the DOUCHE-LOCK key, because he's still spreading the foolery. CAPS-LOCK key or not.

Kanye is whimpering and bitching about a blogger who questioned his manhood after suggesting he might be faking the straight. Oh, Kanye, stick your manhood up your culo and give it a rest. The world at large knows who your true, true love is. It's yourself!

Bitch isn't heterosexual or homosexual. He's fucking Kanyesexual. Being a Grade A Dickbag: Kanye is doing it right!

That headline alone should cause every damn major international agency to gather together to start some kind of task force to stop this madness before it starts! Chris Hansen can be their leader.

The Sunday Express says that while Jacko is playing in London he wants to make a couple of big purchases including a fucking baby! A damn child. Yes, one with private parts!

A source said the King of Crazy has contacted a British adoption agency about adding a fourth child to his gang. The source went on to say, "His life is his children. Wherever he goes, they go, and he has said it would be good to have another child. Contact has been made with an adoption agency in Britain which has a very good reputation. He feels he has shaken off the sex abuse allegations. It is a new beginning."

Jacko is already a daddy to Prince Michael I, Paris and Prince Michael II. So I'm guessing his fourth kid will be named Prince Michael III. His nickname will be Feather Bed.

Hopefully, this British adoption agency works with Dateline NBC and this is really just some kind of fucking sting. Chris Hansen better be in the back making lemonade and preparing for Jacko's arrival. It's not funny.

If Jacko is able to adopt a baby, then that means there are no longer any rules in life. Yup. Flash your vagina in the middle of a crowded park! Run down the street and lick random hot people. Masturbate on a fire hydrant. Scream at a squirrel. Go fucking crazy, because anything goes!

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No, this isn't Sarah Jessica Parker as The Joker in the next Batman movie, it's the mini creature that will crash my dreams tonight and turn them into a nightmare.

Artist Mari Kasurinen took My Little Pony and transformed her horsey ass into classic movie characters. It's pretty amazing that Mari made a creepy thing even fucking creepier. There's no way I could shut my eyes with one of those things in my apartment. Even if I threw it in the trash and put a brick over the garbage can, it would find a way out. Those twinkly eyes say "I will eat your face tonight" and that slimy grin adds "And I'll like it."

The My Little Edward Scissorhands has to be illegal in most states. It has knives instead of hooves!

And I'd totally hit My Little Jack Sparrow. WELL, I'd hit Johnny Depp anything!

He can still see us......... I hate the police officers who made this dude take his mug shot with his eyes closed! Even when I shut my own eyes to stop the nightmare flames from torching my retinas off, I can still see him and his eyelids of HORROR.

The star of your nightmares has a name. He's Rosalio Reta of Texas. Rosalio was just one of the dudes who was arrested for a ton of murders he allegedly committed working as a hitman for one of Mexico's biggest drug gangs. CNN has the entire story, but I had a hard time reading it, because it felt like Rosalio was staring at me..... Killing me with his eyelids!

It probably didn't take much for Rosalio to murder a person. All he had to do was sneak up to them and close his eyes. That shit will make your heart jump out of your chest, run to the nearest graveyard and bury itself!

It really is Friday the 13th....

Okay, I'm all for a bitch doing what she has to do to get that pussy purring. If you got to go down to Home Depot and flirt with some power tools in hopes one might take you home and drill you down, FINE. But is a nut bust really worth turning your vagina into fucking shredded beef? The ho in this story answered a fuck yes to that question.

The 27-year-old woman of Saint Mary County in Maryland was airlifted to a hospital after a saber saw done fucked up her pussy. The woman and her dick for brains boyfriend decided it would be really fucking sexy to get all America Psycho on her vagina and fuck it with a "sex toy" (I'm assuming a dildo) attached to a saber saw. It wasn't long before the blade on the saw cut through the dildo and straight up turned her sugar walls into some BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. The dumb bitch went from screaming "Oh baby" to "Oh baby my pussy fell off!!!!"

The bitch was released from the hospital on Monday. She told police that the idiotic sex act was consensual and no crime was committed. Yeah, tell that to her pussy. May it rest in fucking peace. A SAW UP YOUR PUSSY?! I mean, I hope that when they got home she took a power drill to his asshole so he can see how it feels. A SAW UP YOUR PUSSY? I still can't. She will never watch an episode of Home Improvement the same away.

And if you have a vagina, I hope you kept your hand over it the whole time. It didn't need to see this story. If it did, it would have turned inside out and closed its doors forever. It's not the one!

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WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! This shit right here is pure dark-sidedness! Why in Croc hell would you buy your pet an evil cunt bed? Everyone knows that Crocs are personally made from the devil's hands and I this shit is no different. Just like the Cros that go on your feet, this will suck the soul out of any living thing that touches it. Before you know it, your pet will be shuffling around with dead eyes like it's a bitch on The Hills!

And they call this the Sasquatch Pet Bed! That's because it will stomp out your poor dog's innocent soul! Will someone please radio animal savior Annemarie Lucas! Her assistance is needed here.

Thanks Adrienne

I'm typing this post with one hand, because my other hand is consoling my no-no hole. It's scared and confused after hearing this story.

This past Monday night, two cops in Indiana were on their normal patrol when they noticed a naked dude in the window of his home. The window's blinds were not closed, so everyone could see the naked pepaw and his shriveled cucumber. The two cops approached the pepaw's door, which was wide open. They went inside and discovered some fucked up shit. I mean, fucked up shit! Cover your a-hole when read the next part. You don't want it to cry, because that will just make everything a mess.

The pepaw was on his sofa nailing himself in the ass with a claw hammer! The claw hammer was covered in a plastic bag and shoved up there. The cops also noticed some lube-type shit all over his genitals and nalgas. It was motor oil. Okay, let's take a moment and think about this for a second. Now the police report didn't say which part of the claw hammer was up his ass. Please don't tell me it was the claw part, because my asshole will start bawling and I'm wearing my last clean pair of panties.

I mean, I'm all for sticking shit up your ass, whatever you gotta do to get yours, but damn! Pepaw is going to pull out a kidney or something.

He obviously has some sort of fetish for tools. I don't even want to think about what he does with a hand brace or a sledgehammer. And what's with the motor oil? Was his ass squeaky or something?

The pepaw was arrested for felony public indecency. He asked for a second chance, but the cops denied him when they found out he had a previous conviction for public indecency.

The cops also interviewed a neighbor lady who said he's always naked in front of his window. She went on to say, "He does it 24/24. He's not right." Wait till she hears about the sexy things he can do with a claw hammer.

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