I'm Scared

And when she stands over a subway grate, everybody in a 2-mile radius also gets the seven year itch. Some like it hot, but not like that!

Because useless celebwhores in Hollywood won't stop until Marilyn Monroe's body has rolled itself into a fine powder, Parasite Hilton used her sticky snatch glue to fix a kitchen ass Marilyn-like wig to the top of her empty head for the launch of her new Ewwww de Wart Pus at some free clinic in Los Angeles last night.

Wonks needs to spend less time on manufacturing her cleavage, and more time practicing her whorefaces in the mirror. Bitch looks like she's prairie dogging while trying to fight an itch down below she can't scratch. Dian O'Connell needs to snatch this skank's wig off and show her how it's really done.

It's a cheeseburger's horrific nightmare come to life! And a bottle of Jack Daniels' beautiful dream come to life! The Hoff was roasted (smelled like overmicrowaved Kraft singles, the urinal in a truck stop in Germany, burnt hair plugs and a bar back's bus tub) on Comedy Central last night, and they started things off outside by scaring the booze buzz out of everyone with this giant tribute to him made from one of Khloe Kardashian's suppositories.

Thankfully, that dark-sideness disappeared by the end of the night so it's no longer around to haunt us. It's not known what happened to it, but Pamela Anderson was seen giving it the eye. I mean, it does have the face of a dildo, so you can't blame her.

Here's pictures of everyone who came out to light a flame under The Hoff's asshole last night. In order: The Hoff, the always naturally fresh Pamela Anderson, Traci Bingham, Nicole Eggert, Hayley Hasselhoff, four anuses in a row, Jeremy Jackson and George Hamilton.

When you're tripping out on shrooms, you're supposed to hold long deep conversations with potted plants about the meaning of life and spend hours petting an imaginary purple kitten in the sky. You're not supposed to do what MMA fighter Jarrod Wyatt did to his sparring partner. The NYDN reports that on March 21st, 26-year-old Jarrod allegedly cut an 18-inch hole into Taylor Powell's chest, pulled out his heart and then cut up his tongue and face. Both Jarrod and Taylor were high on shroom tea at the time. And I thought my hallucination about tiny chickens invading my brain through my ear holes was a bad trip.

When the police showed up to the home in Klamath, CA and found Taylor's body, Jarrod told them that he saw the devil in his face. Jarrod thought that the world was about to end and he needed to murder the evil. Jarrod also admitted to cooking up Taylor's body parts in a wood stove, because he believed it was the only way to "stop the devil." At one point, Jarrod asked the police if they were God coming to save him.

Jarrod was charged with aggravated mayhem, torture and first-degree murder. Jarrod's lawyer is fighting the charges, because he argued this his client was having a psychotic breakdown. His lawyer added, "My client was trying to silence the devil."

Anybody who has heard a Ke$ha song knows what the devil's cackle sounds like, but you don't cut out someone's heart over it. Just hit the mute button or turn your ears into vaginas (aka fold them over each other).

And it's unclear whether or not he was on shrooms at the time he got that haircut.

They tell me this a real video from Chris Klein's audition for Mamma Mia. Just so we're clear, he's auditioning for Mamma Mia the movie starring Meryl Streep, and not the methadone clinic production to raise funds for more coffee filters.

This looks like the latter though, because Chris' crazy eyes can make a crack cocaine rock chop and cut itself up out of fright. Chris' nostrils aren't flaring because the musical notes are pouring out of all of his orifices. They are flaring because they are HONGRAY.

Katie Holmes really does have a soft spot for crazy eyes.

via Buzzfeed

You might be wondering what baby I'm talking about since all you see is a field of calcified giant Chiclets, but just tilt your head to the left and back up a bit. There's BABY posing with his father Gary Busey for Entertainment Tonight.

It's good to see that Gary's girlfriend didn't give birth to a humongous pair of dentures, but I do have one concern. If Baby Luke should find himself alone in a forest for some reason and a deranged horse (or a rabid beaver) came at him, would he hug it and call it daddy or would he crawl away FOR HIS LIFE like he should? Hm. Something to ponder.

And here's another one:

Baby Luke looks so excited, because he's seeing his reflection in Gary Busey's huge ass teefs for the first time!

The answer is yes.... The answer is yes....

Sources: UsWeekly & National Geographic (via Gawker)

Once Kate Gosselin finishes terrorizing millions with her zombie dance of doom on Dancing with the Never-Wases, she will return to TLC in not one but two new projects. The shiny sparkle on this butt nugget is that Jon Grosselin is not in either show. Yup, so Jon needs to keep spit shining Christian Audigier's crotch raisins, because he has lawyer bills to pay!

USA Today brings us the news that Kate will star in the vommy titled show Twist of Kate. It gets worse. Kate will travel the country (TO THE SAFE HOUSE!!!) and visit the homes and workplaces of everyday people to walk a mile "in their shoes."

Does Kate take requests? Because I think we would all like to see her in the shoes of a pirate who is about to walk the plank. Or the shoes of a steak about to be thrown into the lion cage at the zoo (don't tell Kate that steaks don't wear shoes). Or the shoes of Tommy Girl's proctologist. Or the shoes of a Jennifer Aniston impersonator at a Brangeloonie convention. Etc.. etc...

Kate had this to say about her new show, "I want to be out there learning from others, helping to provide insight whenever I can, though I don't consider myself an expert on anything."

In addition to Twist of Kate, she will also co-star in a series of Kate Plus 8 specials with the child army.

Twist of Kate will debut on TLC in the Summer along with Sarah Palin's Alaska. So if you ever want to know what it feels like to laugh, cry and dry heave at the exact same time just turn on TLC in the Summer.

This is what you see right before you are ripped up into a million pieces.

The pint-sized Hilary Swank agrees and had something to say about it on his Twitter:

Dear @peoplemag Covershoot...next time i laugh real crazy warn me u r still taking pics...still appreciate u but let's get on the same page

EXCLUSIVE story and pics in the new issue of @peoplemag . I look crazy as heck on the cover but if u cant laugh at yourself u aint havin fun

No, Bieber, please don't laugh anymore. Don't laugh. The sight of you laughing makes us all want to reach for our whistles.

What better way to start your weekend than with a touching love story starring the rotten fruit of the UK's eye Peaches Geldof!

Over on Reddit (via Why We Protest), someone asked the question "What's your most WTF one night stand?" User Thatcoolguyben pretty much shut everyone's story down with his tale of the night he allegedly spent with (and in) Peaches Geldof! And he has proof in the form of a few pictures.

It's a long, winding, dirty journey through the sewer pipes which eventually ends in a puddle of vomit on the floor of a sauna in the Scientology Center. Glib.

If you don't have the time or the stomach for it right now, let me give you the 10-second version. Dude claims he met Peaches Geldof at a friend's apartment, did lemon-infused heroin with her, popped a Cialis to get his peen popping, did sex with her, passed out and woke up barfing all of his Thetans out in a sauna at the Scientology Center. The end. This was probably one of Peaches' tamer nights.

The complete story from the dude's fingertips is after the jump. There's also a couple of NSFW pictures of Peaches looking like the star of one of Vanilla Gorilla's wet dreams. JUMP!

If you happen to be in the NYC area and spot a crazed supermodel with rage in her eyes and a Blackberry in hand, RUN don't sashay to the nearest discount clothing chain (bitch doesn't go near those) and call the police! It's most likely Naomi the Terrible and she's a WANTED woman!

The New York Post says that the terror of the catwalk allegedly Naomi Campbell-ed a chauffeur this afternoon. The story goes that Naomi freaked out at a driver who was taking her around the city. When the driver called the police, Naomi busted out of the car and fled the scene! Naomi is now at large, and the police are looking for her.

The police said that the driver suffered a few minor bruises and bumps as a result of getting punched out by Naomi. The police simply handed him a pamphlet for the Victims of Naomi Campbell support group. They meet every Wednesday night in the basement of a church.

It's not known why Naomi flipped out, but I'm guessing the driver made the mistake of looking her in the eye. Shit, he might have just looked in her direction. That is why it's best just to blindfold yourself around Naomi and claim you're deaf. Even if you're driving!

See no evil, hear no evil!