The only way to follow-up a post about the existence of God is with a post about the existence of Lucifer. The devil is alive and has a really messed up way of screwing with our souls, because he has joined Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger together in an unholy union of suck. No, August 21st is not Canadian April Fool's Day. I already checked and checked again.
Sometime before February, Avril Lavigne stopped boning Bruce Jenner's son (Happy birthday, Brody!) and made the Canadian embassy in Hell cackle with laughter by getting on Chad Kroeger. Their rep tells People that the two Canadian ear killers got close while working on a song together six months ago and now they're engaged to be married. Chad gave Avril a 14-carat diamond ring on August 8th. This will be 37-year-old Chad's first marriage and 27-year-old Avril's second.
I was going to say that this is about as random as a ferret hugging a dildo, but this actually makes a whole lot of sense. Avril is the Ed Hardy trucker cap of music and Nickelback is the Affliction cum rag of music. And anybody who owns an Ed Hardy trucker cap definitely owns an Affliction cum rag, because the two go together perfectly. But for why are they engaged after only 6 months? Please don't tell me she's knocked up, because I'm really not ready for the Antichrist to rip apart the earth's crust by making the worst music civilization has ever heard.
It's truly the end of days, because you know Ke$hit will be the maid of honor, Justin Bieber will officiate, Scott Stapp will be best man and Avril and Chad will register at Hot Topic. Oh here go hell come.
And the scariest words in the English language are officially: Avril Kroeger. I'm pretty sure that was the full name of the devil's first born.
People who live on East 10th Street in NYC's East Village will soon hear naked virgins scream out the words "A TODDLER TROLL IS TRYING TO EAT MY BLOOD! HELP HELP! I mean, FIRE FIRE!" as they run down the street, because 26-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen is moving into the neighborhood with her French dadfriend. 42-year-old Olivier Sarkozy has been nibbling on Mary-Kate's troll twat for a few months now and they will continue to gross us all out, because they're taking their love to the next level by moving in together.
Page Six says that Olivier has paid $6.25 million for a 4,200 square foot townhouse that was built in the olden times. Olivier will own the East Village's new house of horrors, but apparently Mary-Kate approves of it and likes it because it's old. (Too easy.) Curbed has pictures of the townhouse and we really should admire it before the walls are covered in the screams of the innocent, goat nutsacks and posters from past Olsen movies. That last one is the most terrifying, I know.
All shade aside, I'm happy (not really) that a 42-year-old French dude who looks like a 52-year-old French dude and a 26-year-old girl who looks like an 8-year-old dressed up as Snow White's old witch have found love in a hopeless place. And note to Ryan Murphy, you now have your plot for the third season of American Horror Story.
From looking at that screen shot, you might think this is a "The Dangers of Bukkake" PSA, but it's actually a commercial for Philadelphia's Little Baby's Ice Cream. This is pretty much what it looks like when Nicole Kidman stands under the sun too long. This might make some of you assume the fetal position far away from your ice cream cabinet (aka the freezer) and mutter "donteatthelittlebabies" to yourself over and over again, but I love it! I mean, a creepy dude who looks like a peen made out of ice cream? I'd hit it until I got butt freeze (it's like brain freeze for your butt). And this doesn't make me feel so weird about moisturizing with Breyers every now and again.
Q: "Why did every L.A. area drug dealer tell me they were all out of the bad shit when I called each and every one of them on Tuesday night?" - Charlie Sheen
A: Lindsay Lohan, Lady GaGa and Lana Del Rey had a slumber party at the Chateau Marmont. The end.
William Shakespeare is somewhere up in heaven, slapping himself in the face with his quill pen for being born in the wrong time period, because this right here is more terrifying than any three witches scene from Macbeth. X17Online via (via Digital Spy) says that the Chateau Marmont almost crumbled into a million pieces from the weight of bloated egos, mountains of cocaine, polyester weaves and plastic lip jelly in one room. A source says that Lady CaCa, LiLo and Llama Del Meh (aka The Evil Ls) had dinner in the garden before going up to a room to "play dress up, watch old movies and play board games." You should've read that last part while making air quotes, because that's obviously just fuckedupmess code for whiskey enemas, gargling coke with their nostrils and passing out in a puddle of vomit ("Try to pass out in your own!" - tip of the night from LiLo).
Earlier in the night, LiLo tweeted "#skinnysnack1" (translation: #cooooooooke1) at CaCa and CaCa tweeted a picture of a cucumber on the bar. I don't even want to know what they did with that cucumber, but my thoughts and condolences go out to its family, because it can't be easy knowing that its last moments were painful, disgusting and involved lots of toxic body fluids.
If this story is true and isn't just a piece from a horrific fanfic, then it was probably the most boring and annoying threesome ever. Spaced out Lana Del Rey slow danced with a floor lamp all night while CaCa and LiLo melted the paint on the walls by talking non-stop, over each other, about their (f)art. Still, I hope this never happens again, because the world does not need the second coming of the West Hollywood Three.
Here's LiLo leaving a restaurant last night and ho should be using her hands to hold down the top of her head instead of covering her face, because her scalp is practically falling off. Lady CaCa should be ashamed of herself. Bitch snorted up a patch of LiLo's hair when a little coke got on her head.
My mom is one of the most caring and sensitive people I know. Scratch that. Let me do that sentence again. My mom is the ONLY caring and sensitive person I know since everybody else I know is a straight-up bitch. There that's better. Even though my mom is a kind soul, she's never really fazed by the dumb-coated pieces of mangled trash that my mouth shits up on a regular basis. But one of the only times I saw her get sad on the inside over some crap I spewed up was when we were watching her personal God, Dr. Oz, on TV and I said that he looked like a functioning corpse. The look on her face jumped between "you just strangled my kitten with my favorite cardigan while pissing with the seat down in my guest bathroom" to "you better learn how to drop your neck into your body real quick because I'm about to choke you out."
She is serious about her Dr. Oz and I'm sure one of her dreams in life is to be his assistant of the day so she can gaze up at his apple chip face as he tells her to crawl through a Colossal Colon or some weird shit like that. That is why I cannot and refuse to analyze the possible appearance of Dr. Oz's crotch wizard in the pages of Good Housekeeping. Damn TMZ, damn Good Housekeeping and damn me for posting this:
If you show this to my mom, do not tell me about it. Because the next time I'm watching Dr. Oz with her, I do not want to know why her smile is extra smiley. No. All parties involved are wrong for this. I hate cameras, I hate paper, I hate magazines, I hate scanners, I hate upload buttons and I hate the Internet.
The paparazzi got struck with the fear of Berry yesterday when she nearly raged her weave off and showed them how she greets Gabriel Aubry when he comes over to pick up their daughter. Like a mama bear defending her cub or me defending the last cheddar biscuit in the basket at Red Lobster, Halle Berry verbally punched every paparazzo parked outside of her kid's school. A source close to Halle Berry who I'm sure isn't Halle Berry's publicist told E! News that the paps are always smearing themselves around Nahla's school and bitch had enough.
"It is inappropriate for these people to stalk a child's school everyday. They pushed too far [today]. Halle felt that her daughter was being threatened. Having words with someone who is stalking your family is not out of line."
As far as I know, the paps didn't get any shots of Nahla or any other kid leaving the school and this gave me an idea. The paps probably didn't take any pictures of Nahla, because they were too focused on documenting the crazy show Halle was giving them. That's why the schools where kids of celebrities go should hire a full-time crazy bitch to stand out in front and "shot block" the paps by going nuts. Schools have Crossing Guards, so they should have Don't Cross Me Guards too. The Don't Cross Me Guard will flip off the paps, scream at them, spit on their windshields and crack their lenses by flashing their half-shaven guts (in my defense, shaving your gut in the shower is hard work and I get bored after a while).
That sounds like my DREAM job, because I can't wait to officially enter the IDGAF phase of life. When I'm old, I'm just going to spend my days yelling at everyone and everything. When you reach a certain age, there's a good chance that everybody and everything in life has pissed you off at one point and you kept your mouth shut to be polite. But when you're old, you don't have to be polite anymore and you can tell a trick how you really feel. Yell at that leaf for being a leaf. Yell at the wind for being the wind. Yell at the rain for messing up your day by being the rain. Yell at everything!
So where do I submit my application for the Don't Cross Me Guard job? But you know, before I take the position, I should probably train with Julia Roberts for a couple days.
I know. I know. It's Met Ball bukkake on Dlisted today, but this is hopefully my last post on this mess and I'm going out on a terrifying note by giving you things that do bumps in the night. While human hos at the ball sipped on calorie-free champagne, these vampires, zombies, charbroiled trolls and grandma witches sipped on calorie-free carbonated souls. If you put your ear to the screen, you can practically hear the screeches from a pristine young virgin running naked through the halls of the Met as these scary bitches chase after her. Where was Scooby-Doo and the rest of the Mystery, Inc. gang when hos needed them most?
Grab your crucifix, put your garlic bulb anal chain around your neck and get close to the Royal Court of the Death Eaters. In order: Mary-Kate Olsen (looking like the Snow White witch after the dwarves dropped that boulder on her), Anna Wintour, Ronnie Wood (with his toddler-aged girlfriend), Sarah Jessica Parker with Tan Mom's skin idol Valentino, Donatella Versace, Chupa Zoe and Lana Del Taco.
I haven't stepped inside of a church for centuries, because they only have one kind of wine and all the magazines in the pew racks are boring. But lord, after seeing these pictures of Marilyn Manson and Taylor Momsen at the Revolver Golden God Awards, I just want to throw an abuelita-approved praying veil over my face and head to the nearest altar to pray to Guadalupe, Concepion, Mercedes, Charo, LaDonna, La Whisper, Ruby and all the other saints. This mess looks like a mock satanic ritual held in some goth teen girl's garage. The only thing it's missing is a father turning on all the lights and telling Taylor that it's dinnertime and her bloated, grown lesbian friend needs to go home.
Who knew that the way to make Marilyn Manson's crotch more terrifying is to put Taylor Momsen's Top Ramen ass weave in front of it? Then, when things couldn't get even worse, Johnny Depp (click here to see his ass perform) came out to play with MM. Once I finish barfing from all my holes over Marilyn slobbering on Taylor like she's pie, I'm going to barf some more over the fact that for a quick second I mistook Johnny Depp for Adam Ant.
You might already know Dr. Bill Dorfman from Extreme Makeover, a recent episode of Selling LA (Yes, I watch that shit.) and as the doctor who fixed up Lindsay Lohan's meth grill, but now you know him as the sucio dentist with a serious tooth fetish.
TMZ had a talk with Dr. Dorfman outside of a restaurant in L.A. on Tuesday and asked him about all the celebrity teeth he pulls out. Dr. Dorfman says that he always asks the celebrity if they want to keep the teeth he pulls out of their mouth, but if they shake their heads no, he stores it in a special place. So if you're Ozzy Osbourne, LiLo, Eva Longoria or Anne Hathaway, Dr. Dorfman might have your teeth in his special celebrity tooth museum. Dr. Dorfman explained it like this:
"I actually save famous people's teeth when I pull them ... but I can't tell you [their identities] 'cause it's like patient confidentiality. There have been a few really famous people and I thought one day maybe I could sell this on eBay."
Dr. Dorfman later backpedaled and called into TMZ to say he didn't mean it. It's too late! Dr. Dorfman's dirty, gingivitis-ridden, cavity-filled secret is out. I don't know how Dr. Dorfman found the time to call TMZ when he's obviously spending most of his time begging Gary Busey to come into his office for a "consultation." Gary Busey's got the 9-inch dick of teeth and I'm sure he's Dr. Dorfman's dream grill. Any celebrity tooth collection is incomplete without a Gary Busey tooth.
I'm going to back out of this post before my mind starts to wonder what Dr. Dorfman does with all those teeth when the dental lights go down. And you better not type the words, "anal tooth necklace." NOOOOOOOOOO.
From the makers of that nightmare-inducing Cheetos blooming (and wilting) morphing video is this anti-crack, anti-delusion, anti-White Oprah, anti-Restylane and anti-self tanner PSA where Lindsay Lohan's face goes from 0 to 60-years-old in 1 minute. This shit is like watching a train conducted by White Oprah slowly careen off the tracks before taking out a dump truck carrying broken meth pipes and crashing directly into an old dentures dispensary. This mess is creepy, it's fascinating and it's looking into a Faces of Meth kaleidoscope. They should really play this video in front of every child actor and tell them this could be their face on fame. And now, I have to cleanse my eyeballs over a pot of boiling holy water.