Hold Me

It's Friday the 13th which means your ass better stay away from the evil today. Wait, that includes this blog. I mean, stay away from dark-sidedness. Ugh. That also includes this shit. Okay, just don't cross a Jacko, an Olsen, a CHERYL BURKE, a Katherine Heigl, an UGG, a CROC or a Vadge and you should be safe. Better yet, don't even look at these pictures of Jacko trying to keep his nose in check while leaving a medical center in Beverly Hills yesterday.

You must resist the urge to slather your monitor in cocoa butter in hopes that Jacko's crocoskin will soak some of that shit up. Seriously, it's not normal that you could use his hands to sand the fuck out of a splintered wooden table. I hope he doubles up on the gloves when he holds the children.

Happy Friday the 13th everyone! If you liberally cleanse your insides with the nectar of the gods (aka vodka) today, everything will be alright!

Okay, I'm all for a bitch doing what she has to do to get that pussy purring. If you got to go down to Home Depot and flirt with some power tools in hopes one might take you home and drill you down, FINE. But is a nut bust really worth turning your vagina into fucking shredded beef? The ho in this story answered a fuck yes to that question.

The 27-year-old woman of Saint Mary County in Maryland was airlifted to a hospital after a saber saw done fucked up her pussy. The woman and her dick for brains boyfriend decided it would be really fucking sexy to get all America Psycho on her vagina and fuck it with a "sex toy" (I'm assuming a dildo) attached to a saber saw. It wasn't long before the blade on the saw cut through the dildo and straight up turned her sugar walls into some BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. The dumb bitch went from screaming "Oh baby" to "Oh baby my pussy fell off!!!!"

The bitch was released from the hospital on Monday. She told police that the idiotic sex act was consensual and no crime was committed. Yeah, tell that to her pussy. May it rest in fucking peace. A SAW UP YOUR PUSSY?! I mean, I hope that when they got home she took a power drill to his asshole so he can see how it feels. A SAW UP YOUR PUSSY? I still can't. She will never watch an episode of Home Improvement the same away.

And if you have a vagina, I hope you kept your hand over it the whole time. It didn't need to see this story. If it did, it would have turned inside out and closed its doors forever. It's not the one!

Source

WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! This shit right here is pure dark-sidedness! Why in Croc hell would you buy your pet an evil cunt bed? Everyone knows that Crocs are personally made from the devil's hands and I this shit is no different. Just like the Cros that go on your feet, this will suck the soul out of any living thing that touches it. Before you know it, your pet will be shuffling around with dead eyes like it's a bitch on The Hills!

And they call this the Sasquatch Pet Bed! That's because it will stomp out your poor dog's innocent soul! Will someone please radio animal savior Annemarie Lucas! Her assistance is needed here.

Thanks Adrienne

"I've been here the whole time, as you went about your business of closing up for the night. A few more minutes, and you'll be asleep."

There's a dark place on the internet where a clown named Spitzle is waiting for you. You know, I've never been scared of clowns, but I'm finding myself trying to hold the pee pee in while I go through his website and read all his captions. I'm sharing this with you, because I know some of you get mud butt every time you see a clown. It's time to conquer your fears and pay Spitzle a visit.

And if any of you are friends with the woman below. Send her the link to Spitzle's terror house every minute on the minute.

VIA Urlesque

Most of us know that Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, has been hypnotized by the alien evil lords. One year, she gave Scientology her entire year's salary: $10 million. But now she has gone too far. Nancy has dragged Bart into this fucking trainwreck! Or should I say spaceshipwreck?

Nancy is robo-calling for Scientology using the voice of Bart. Even my ears screamed "OH MY XENU."

Homer needs to come get his child and choke the L. Ron Hubbard out of him! And Matt and Fox need to come their lawyers so they can sue the fuck out of this crazy troll.

Poor Bart. I wonder what kind of shit Scientology has on him now?

That circle jerk with Milhouse and Martin was just meaningless experimenting, Bart. It won't ruin your career, because we won't hold it against you. Just step away from the aliens....

VIA Village Voice

As some of you know, Fox is going to fuck with the legendary TV experience that is Absoultely Fabulous. Why, you ask? Because that's what we do in America. We take TV shows from other countries and try to find ways to get them canceled in record time. Although, Kath & Kim is still breathing and I'm not sure why. I'll have to ask Satan that during our weekly conference call.

Variety says Kristen Johnston is in talks to play Edina Monsoon in the pilot. Kristen was at a table read with Fox HBICs last Friday. Kathryn Hahn was also in the table read, but it's not known what role she helped butcher. I'm guessing Patsy?

You know who should play Edina and Patsy? Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley! And only them! Kristen Johnston is fine, but she's looking a little like a Manhattan tortured wife who eats pill instead of food. Well, maybe she will work then? NO! She won't. Nobody will. Okay, Rojo Caliente and Phoebe Price would, but they would never agree to murder such a beloved classic.

This is going to be like Absolutely Fabulous dipped in oatmeal with bits of broccoli sprinkled on top. Instead of doing mounds of coke, they are going to get really "zany" on too much Red Bull. Instead of trying to have an orgy and failing, they are going to be humiliated during a speed dating session. It's going to be absolutely rated G.

I just want to tell the American version of AbFab to "take a holiday, darling. South of France."

Nope, there's no living things here. Let's keep moving along before one of them starts to move. Seriously, I think whatever Marie Osmond makes her dolls out of, she uses the same shit to cover her own face. She's turning into one of her own creepy creations. I bet she doesn't even have a vagina or no-no anymore. It's all skin down there like a doll. Pussy-less crotch! Shit, I'd be surprised if she blinks! That scares me and makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Have you ever been in the house of a freaky doll collector? It's not a pleasant experience. It's like you've walked into Satan's nightmares. All the dolls stare at you, following your every move. It's worse when the creepy doll collector starts showing you her favorite ones and does voices for them. One the hos who lived in my neighborhood growing up was a creepy doll lady. I would skip that bitch's house at Halloween time, because I knew that's when the dolls came out to play.

Here's Marie with her dark-sided creations at the Flamingo Hilton in Las Vegas yesterday.

The "Today" hosts dressed as fairytale characters this morning for Halloweenie and Meredith Vieira was supposed to be Pinocchio. Honestly, she looked more like the Treeman of Indonesia than Pinocchio. I bet you Treeman's peen looks like her nose.

Al Roker dressed as a sexually frustrated Gingerbread Man with one blue ball, Ann Curry was a "JLo version of Cinderella" (her words), Hoda Kotb was Old Red Riding Hood, Kathie Lee Gifford was her husband at a whore house and Matt Lauer dressed as his ego.

Are you one of those fraidy cat bitches who are deathly afraid of clowns? Like this bitch? Well, if you are, let the naked clowns help cure your phobia! A group of 16 clowns in San Francisco came together to take it all off for a new calendar. The proceeds from the calendar will benefit MS research.

There's nothing creepy about a naked clown! If your pee hole is dripping a little because you're so scared, then your case is probably worse than you thought. Don't think of them as clowns. Just think of them as naked people baring their genitals for your viewing pleasure. Most genitals are not scary.

A couple of the clown dudes are kind of hot. Don't focus on the scary clown face that looks like it will wake you in the middle of the night and hack you into a million pieces. Think of the peen hiding underneath those silly clown props. Is it fat? Is it skinny? Is it smiling at you? Does it honk when you squeeze it? Does it have a round red nose? Well, if it has that then the clown needs to go get that checked out. The idea of seeing wang rules out the creepiness of the clown face.....

....Okay, I take that all back. I just went through these pictures again and I'm officially a little scared. I also can't wait to buy this shit and give it to all my clown-hating friends for Christmas. They will shit themselves. Literally.

Click here to see more pictures from this shit. Unfortunately, you have to buy the calendar to see the full Bozo.

This is probably the most amazing thing I've seen all morning. Yes, I've only been up for an hour, but still!

An amazing person (who should win every award given to man) at ONTD put together an extensive collection of photographic evidence proving why Christian Bale and Kermit the Frog are long-lost twin brothers.

Don't fucking hesitate. Smoke a bowl and click here to being your journey. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll feel things you have never felt before! It's truly fucking wondrous.

Thanks to ferdalump at ONTD