Hold Me

If you have a phobia of trains, babies, strollers or surveillance footage, don't watch this clip. While Balloon Boy was off becoming world famous, a baby in Australia got ran over by a train and lived to tell the tale! In fact, the baby only suffered a small bump on the head. Cut to Paris Hilton saying, "Pfft. I get a train ran on me weekly."

How long do you think it's going to take before the media makes Train Baby the star of the moment? You know he's going to star in a remake of While You Were Sleeping.

(Thanks Joe)

And GOODNIGHT! This picture of Lindsay Lohan out in Paris last night can be used for a variety of purposes. If you've got a problem with critters digging up your garden, simply place this picture near your plants and they will never ever return again. In fact, they might suffer cardiac arrest, so you'll have meat for dinner! And if your kids have been messing with the wrong stuff, just show them this picture and they will immediately check themselves into the nearest nunnery. Shit, I don't even have a booze problem (fuck the first step) and this picture might force me to go to rehab and devote my life to Jesus. SCARED STRAIGHT! JUST PLAIN SCARED!

But on a serious note, I feel for SamRo. The poor thing's crotch area is probably cold, because her labia lips have been stuck to HoHan's face for the past few weeks. That's very selfish of HoHan.

Speaking of disturbing fuckery, here's 15-year-old Ali Lohan looking like she just slipped out of the exhaust pipe on the Rock of Love Bus.

Well, at least she's appropriately dressed to work the ho stroll now. Why isn't White Oprah in jail?

I guess wearing bootleg colored contacts bought at the swap meet are the new thing, because Amber Rose wore hers while hosting Tao Beach at The Venetian yesterday. Yes, hosting stupid ass pool parties (see below) is all the rage! Wake me when international supermodel Phoebe Price and Ariel Wade co-host a pool party at the Super 8 in Gainesville, Florida. Fish grease + Chicken Cutlets = A good fucking time.

It was nice of Gay Fish to temporarily unattach Amber Rose's umbilical cord from his b-hole, so she can go out and make her own money. He probably got sick of opening his precious coin purse every time she needed a few dollars to get a shave and a bleach at the barber shop.

Here's more pictures of the alien android known as Amber Rose making some money yesterday afternoon in Las Vegas. I hope they poured extra chlorine in that pool, because every trick in there probably pissed their bikinis out of fright when they first saw her "STAINS on the bad shit" eyes. Throw a cupcake at her!

Clippers shook in fear, pink wigs weeped for their future and every crazy house in the L.A. area braced themselves for a CODE CHEETO after this picture of Brit Brit and HoHan was taken the other night. We all know what happened the last time these two got together. Although, Parasite Hilton was added to the mix the last time, so maybe she's the key ingredient (herp juice and wonk eye booger) to make things go BOOM. Keep her away at all costs (tip: just keep her busy by asking her to name all her crotch crabs) or it really may be the end for all us.

And Brit Brit should pose with HoHan more often, because she actually looks like a semi-sane and healthy individual next to her. For real. HoHan is looking like Donatella Versace's fried and malnourished clitoris.

VIA Rolling-Blackouts.com

Kelis' rep tells MTV that she went into labor on Monday at 2am and didn't pop out a BABY!!! friend until last night at 9. LAWD. I've never given birth to a baby (surprising, I know), but I think I would need heroin, crack, a vodka drip, a dozen morphine lollipops, Mah Boo's soothing voice on a loudspeaker and six epidural-tinis just to get through that shit! Labor doesn't sound like a party.

Kelis had a natural birth and the only people in the room were her mother and sister. TMZ claims that her estranged husband Nas tried to get in to see her on Tuesday night, but he was too drunk, so they turned him away.

Nas and Kelis named their new baby boy Knight Jones. Her rep added: "Weighing a healthy 7.8 lbs, the beautiful baby boy and his mother are doing wonderful."

No wonder labor took 67 hours. That baby knew what they were going to name him, so he didn't want to come out! Okay, okay, the name isn't bad. It could've been a trillion times worse. Nas could have named him Nasmajesty. You know it crossed his mind.

Besides, sharing your name with a David Hasselhoff character is kind of awesome.

Lance Armstrong's girlfriend, Anna Hansen, popped out a baby and he has already made his internet debut. Last night, Lance's new son Max Twittered about his birth and even posted a picture of himself. Max: "Wassup, world? My name is Max Armstrong and I just arrived. My Mommy is healthy and so am I!"

You know, whenever I go see a friend or relative who has just had a baby it's usually the same thing. They hold up their week old ball of preciousness and say to me, "Isn't he/she the most cutest baby you've ever seen?" I clear my throat, blink several times, think of fluffy kittens frolicking in the fields and then lie my ass off by saying, "DUH! Of course!" For me, most newborns look like they are going to grab you with their claws, climb on your head and eat your brains before retreating to their home planet. Which makes sense since they've been living in another human's body for 9 months! It's all kind of science fiction-like. It takes them a couple of weeks to settle in and get all the womb meat out of their eyes.

And Max is already a genius, because he's not even a week old and he already knows how to Twitter! Blowing my mind.

VIA People

Kanye West has abandoned his CAPS-LOCK key and now Posh Beckham has left her ankle-murdering heels at home! Hold your favorite dildo close, because the end is near and you're going to need it wherever you're going (aka HELL).

Posh left Wembley in London yesterday looking like herself from the waist up and like Stepford Katie from the waist down. Posh even looks confused by that shit on her feet. It must feel kind of weird and lonely when you can't hear the screams of pain from your feet after every step you take. It must have taken a herd of elephants and two cranes a few hours to pull those sandals off of her, because her usually-tortured feet weren't about to let them go.

But I felt a little while watching the first trailer for Spike Jonze's Where The Wild Things Are. It kind of feels like I ate bad oysters. Hopefully if I stick a TUMS up my ass the feeling will go away.

I think it's the Arcade Fire song and all that fur basking in the hipstery morning light. I'm so fucking easy. I mean, CGI monsters crying actually gets to me! Ugh. I just bent over and let this trailer have its way with me. But instead of doing me in the ass with loogies instead of lube, it hugged me tight. That's gross.

And now I finally know what Tammie Brown meant when she said, "I don't see you out there walking children in nature."

No, this isn't Sarah Jessica Parker as The Joker in the next Batman movie, it's the mini creature that will crash my dreams tonight and turn them into a nightmare.

Artist Mari Kasurinen took My Little Pony and transformed her horsey ass into classic movie characters. It's pretty amazing that Mari made a creepy thing even fucking creepier. There's no way I could shut my eyes with one of those things in my apartment. Even if I threw it in the trash and put a brick over the garbage can, it would find a way out. Those twinkly eyes say "I will eat your face tonight" and that slimy grin adds "And I'll like it."

The My Little Edward Scissorhands has to be illegal in most states. It has knives instead of hooves!

And I'd totally hit My Little Jack Sparrow. WELL, I'd hit Johnny Depp anything!

He can still see us......... I hate the police officers who made this dude take his mug shot with his eyes closed! Even when I shut my own eyes to stop the nightmare flames from torching my retinas off, I can still see him and his eyelids of HORROR.

The star of your nightmares has a name. He's Rosalio Reta of Texas. Rosalio was just one of the dudes who was arrested for a ton of murders he allegedly committed working as a hitman for one of Mexico's biggest drug gangs. CNN has the entire story, but I had a hard time reading it, because it felt like Rosalio was staring at me..... Killing me with his eyelids!

It probably didn't take much for Rosalio to murder a person. All he had to do was sneak up to them and close his eyes. That shit will make your heart jump out of your chest, run to the nearest graveyard and bury itself!

It really is Friday the 13th....