Chichis

Time Magazine's ho of the year better be Aretha Franklin's damn inauguration hat, because that bitch is everywhere. It made an appearance in cake form at Aretha's 67th birthday party in Detroit on Friday.

Seconds after this picture was taken, the table and everything on it disappeared. Everyone immediately looked at Aretha and the single yellow rose petal resting on her upper lip.

In other news, ostriches are now extinct.

VIA Rhymes with Snitch

Yeah, Francois-Henri Pinault is looking at us like "Those world-saving chichis are all mine!" And that's because Francois married those tittays o' plenty on Valentine's Day in Paris! You know, he slipped up and said, "I Francois, take you beautiful chichis...." I mean, we all would.

Le Point (via People) says Francois and Salma Hayek became husband and chichis at the City Hall of the Sixth Arrondissement in Paris. The Mayor confirmed that shit.

Francois started titty fucking Salma back in 2007. They got engaged in March 2007, popped out their baby Valentina in September 2007 and then called off their engagement in July of 2008. They got back together this past September.

Francois uses Gucci bags to wipe his asshole, basically. He's the CEO of PPR who owns Gucci and other luxury brands. Last year, Forbes estimated his worth at $16.9 billion. It's good to know that Francois will have the money to replace his nose when it falls off from over-motorboating Salma's magical titty balls.

I didn't think it was possible for me to adore Salma Hayek anymore than I already do!! When she's not busy saving the world with her wonder leche, she's digging for gold! I doubt there's a pre-nup involved. Francois asked her to sign one, but she jiggled her bitties a bit which hypnotized him to forget all about that stupid document! In a quick minute, Salma will have all the cash she needs to buy the Isle of Lesbos for Penny Cruz. They will rename it the Isle of Chichis, naturally. That's my idea of heaven.

Yesterday, I posted a video of Salma Hayek using her chichis of wonder to save a starving baby in Sierra Leone. I joked that the baby is now a mega genius who can solve the world's most impossible problems. Well, that was no joke. Salma's miracle chichis really do turn babies into little prodigies.

During an interview with that troll Rachael Ray and Rachael's buff gymnast titties, Salma said her 16-month-old daughter Valentina can already speak three languages. She speaks English, French and Spanish. Damn and fuck! I can't even get English right and that baby has got me beat. Eff night classes at Sylvan Learning Center. I need to get schooled by Valentina. Or maybe I just need to nuzzle on Salma's chichis and they will give me all the answers.

Salma also went on to say that her daughter sees ghosts! "Last night she woke up and her eyes were open. And she's looking at one specific point and she's going, 'No no no no, au revoir,' which means goodbye in French ... And she's looking at someone, but there's no one there. was so scared, and I'm like, 'Yes, au revoir, whoever you are, get out!' And then she started saying it in English: 'Bye bye, bye bye!' I guess she was trying in different languages to see what nationality this ghost was to go away. It was terrifying!"

Homegirl was showing off her premium language skills. And it was just Einstein's spirit visiting her genius ass. Valentina tutors him at night.

VIA People

Last week, I babbled about Salma Hayek saving the world with her magnificent chichis by feeding a sick child in Sierra Leone. Well, here's the video! Skip to the 5:25 mark to see Salma's magic at work. They didn't show this part, but minutes after the baby's lips touched her chichi, his hair grew to the ground, he gained 20-pounds and he grew a couple of feet. He could also recite Finnegans Wake by heart and got his PHD in Calculus in a quick minute.

Salma also said that her great abuelita breastfed a stranger's hungry child back in the day. So feeding the world with her miracle chichis runs in Salma's blood!

Angie Jo who? All hail Saint Salma!

(Thanks Billy)

Salma Hayek is single-handedly feeding the hungry children of the world with her magnificent chichis of wonder! Salma recently went on a trip for UNICEF to Sierra Leone and encountered a starving child whose mommy had no milk. What did Salma do? Well, she whipped out her miracle mammies and let the baby suckle! I want to see St. Angelina do that shit. Yeah, right!

On Today (via CM) yesterday morning, Kathie Lee's drunk ass asked Salma, "You found a child that was starving to death, the mother had no milk - and you nursed that baby?" Salma nodded and added, "It's about women sticking together and we really need to help the children in any way we can."

Chelsea Handler was talking about this shit last night on her show and joked that grown men are going to start dressing up like babies just to lick on Salma's chichis. I co-sign that. I'm about to pull out the ruffled onesie I always keep in my closet "just in case." I'm going to put that bitch on and start goo-goo ga-ga-ing around Salma.

Seriously, Salma's chichis are the new Mother Theresa.

I bet if Salma went down to Wall Street and started shaking her bodacious bitties, the recession would suddenly end!

Oh, you know what homegirl is about to do, right? Bitch just can't help. Mickey Rourke's kiln-cooked face just makes you want lift up your shirt and show those saggy sacks. That's what this ho did in Paris while Mickey was walking by. French titties after the jump. And unless you work in a titty milking factory, this shit is NSFW. JUMP TO THE CHICHIS!

In 2004, Salma Hayek and Colin Farrell made a shit show together called Ask the Dust. Never heard of it? That's because it's busy collecting dust in the back of every Blockbuster video that's still open (insert grim face here). While they were filming Blockbuster's future least-rented movie, they got it on. It didn't last long, because Colin was a busted mess back then.

Colin now claims he's all cleaned up and is ready to romance Salma a second time. Star Magazine (via TOTI) says that at the Golden Globes a couple of weeks ago, Colin got close to Salma's golden globes. Some nosy ho said, "While they were both backstage, he held her face and kissed her several times. It was very intimate, not just like they were pals."

Salma, Salma, Salma, never get involved with a Colin Farrell. He will never worship your holy tittays the way they deserve to be worshiped. Just let him motorboat for a few seconds, squirt a little Palmolive in his hair (please do that), give him some cab money and send him on his way.

Seriously, Salma deserves someone who will recite sweet poetry to her chichis every night. And bathe them in cocoa butter every morning. Someone who will skip with them through fields of flowers and gently hold them when they get frightened during a lightning storm. Someone who will bow every time they enter a room and weep every time they exit.

Colin won't do any of that. He'll just say, "You've got nice tits. Can I drop my jizz party on them, babe?" Blasphemy!

Queen Aretha looked like a big ass Christmas gift while performing at Obama's inauguration today. Why didn't I get the gift of two magnificent chichi mounds on Christmas? And Aretha's mammoth breasteses would be an extra special gift because you know she has a chocolate bar or Rice Krispy treat hidden in there.

Aretha kept her 8th world wonder chichis covered up today because there would have been a riot if she brought them out. I mean, I'd slap a family of bunny rabbits just to rest my cheek against her heavenly clouds. They make bitch go crazy!

And you know why Aretha is the queen of all queens? Because she can tell a dumb bitch to "shut up" while belting the fuck out of a song. At least that's what it sounds like to me. Watch the video above and judge for yourself. Aretha doesn't miss a beat! The nosy ho who interrupted her is going to be sorry. I'm sure they ate their own tongue after being told off by Aretha. And Aretha's totally going to roll them in puff pastry and swallow their ass down.

Busty Hearts, the hot bitch who should have won America's Got Talent, took her chichis of mass destruction overseas to demonstrate her skills on a Spanish TV show. Now TMZ says one of Busty's tracks came out of her head while she was pounding melons, but I didn't see that shit. I get off seeing weaves pieces try to escape, so I watched it over and over again to see the exact moment, but it never came for me. Maybe because I was too busy trying to comfort my crying nipples.

And Busy still doesn't have shit on Aretha Franklin. Aretha can break a bowling ball in two just by flashing her CHICHIS (so big you gotta use all caps) at it.

The S.S. Queen Aretha docked in NYC last night to perform a special holiday concert for the troops. If I would have known about this shit, I would've joined the Navy as their official fluffer just so I could go to this concert to see the Queen of Chichis with that little hat on her head. I think the dude she got it from is still trapped under her twin Honey Baked Hams. Bitches probably threw several lifesavers his way to get him out, but Aretha kept mistaking them for the minty treats.