Marky Mark

Yesterday in Beverly Hills, Marky Mark married the mama je'e of his three chirruns, Rhea Durham, in a Catholic ceremony at the Good Shephard Church. Actually, since it was a Catholic ceremony they were probably named "husband & wife" only a few minutes ago. Catholic weddings go on for eoooooons. Every time I go to one, I'm told to bring a few granola bars for sustenance, a sleeping bag, a copy of War & Peace, a catheter and a shot of adrenaline to wake me up for the last couple of minutes.

Marky and Rhea got married in front of about 20 guests. Rhea wore a nightgown by Marchesa and Marky wore a bitchface. Marky and Rhea's 5-year-old daughter Ella was the flower girl. Now, I know some of your asses might be wondering how they could get married in a Catholic church if they already have three kids, but that doesn't matter! The greatest Catholic wedding I ever went to was the one where the bride (I'm not naming names) wore white with a veil and was about 6-months knocked up. As she walked down the aisle of the Catholic church with the priest staring at her baby bulge, I nearly bit my tongue off to keep from laughing. It was amazing. I skipped the open beer bar at the reception, because I was already drunk from the irony of it all. Simply beautiful.

Anyway, I hope Marky reunited with the Funky Bunch to perform at the reception. You know everyone who went was only there for the free booze, the cake and to see Marky bust his wedded ass to "Good Vibrations."

These pictures of Marky Mark on the set of The Fighter (the same movie Christian Bale is fighting the hotness in a major way for) bring back the beautiful memories of his CK Chonies ad. It almost feels like I'm catching up with an old friend. Seriously, that ad and me were practically engaged. It might have been my first boyfriend. I would carry it around with me everywhere! I wouldn't leave home without it. In fact, I still have the paper cut scar on my no-no from our times together. One time, some dumb bitch at school caught me with it and asked why I had it. My response was, "I really like his music." Yeah, that's what I was calling dick bulges back then - music.

Anyway, it's nice to see Marky Mark's titties in top shape again. Although, the real scene stealer of this movie is going to be Melissa Leo's hair. BEHOLD!!!

This is what Carmela Soprano was trying to do to her hair for so many years!!!

The BABY army is gaining new soldiers by the second and Marky Mark is quickly becoming one of their biggest producers. Marky and his girlfriend Rhea Durham brought their third babeh into this cruel world last September. Now Gatecrasher is saying another baby has taken out a lease on Rhea's womb! This would be their fucking fourth child! When does the next shuttle to Neptune leave?

Marky and Rhea have a 5-year-old girl (Ella Rae), a 2-year-old boy (Michael) and a 6-month-old boy (Brenda Joseph).

Marky's obviously got some potent shit up in those sacks. One drop and you've got a case of the babies. Marky's got sperm that doesn't even stop to say the egg "Say, hello to your mutha for me." Bitch just goes in.

In that picture above, Marky is making a face that says, "Back the fuck up or I'll knock you up...with a BABY!!"

Jimmy Kimmel had former panty model Marky Mark on his show last night and played the clip from SNL of Andy Samberg's impersonation of him. You know, the "Say hi to your motha" skit. Marky turned on his "tough street bitch from Boston" switch and said, "You know what? When I see that kid... I'm going to crack that big fucking nose of his. That's what I'm going to do. And then I'm going to tell him 'Say hi to your motha for me.'" He said this while picking dried douche particles off of his shirt.

Marky went on to joke about the whole thing by continuing his bad impersonation of a mobster. He said he's going to get on a plane and "slap him in the big nose. Tune in. I guarantee you. And then, instead of me forgiving him, I'll ask him to forgive me."

Marky's response would've been sooooo much better if he was naked and dancing around to "Good Vibrations." And instead of saying "big nose," he said "big peen" instead.

This is not the baby name I've been waiting for, but here we go! Marky Mark and his fiancee Rhea Durham had a son a couple of weeks ago and we now have a name. Are your ass cheeks on the edge of your seat? Get ready. You might want to hold on to something. Life & Style reports that they have named him Brendan Joseph. Yeah, you can go back to eating your Bacardi and oatmeal.

Naming their son BJ is living on the edge for Marky and Rhea. I was expecting something like Brian Michael or Michael Michael or Marky Mark Jr.. Little BJ joins Ella Rae and Michael as the Wahlberg children.

What I really, really want to know is what is Jason Lee's daughter's name!? She was born almost two months ago and nobody has reported on a name. Reporters everywhere need to drop everything and go undercover to find out that child's name! I better not see Barbara Walters on "The View" this morning, because bitch should be on the case! She owes it to the world to find out how Jason Lee topped the name Pilot Inspektor!

The past few days have been a little quiet on the BABY!!!! front, so it was nice of Marky Mark to help fill the celebrity baby quota for the week. UsWeekly reports that Marky's wife-to-be, Rhea Durham, had a baby boy this past Tuesday in Los Angeles. A name hasn't been released.

What is with these celebrities and not releasing their new baby's name?! I mean, Jason Lee still hasn't told us what he named his newborn daughter and I've been waiting like a crazy person! The nerve.

Hopefully, Marky used his fiancee's last name on the birth certificate and called their son Bull. Bull Durham. Or if they insist on using Marky's last name, they should name him Wah Wah. Wah Wah Wahlberg. Knowing these two lumps of oatmeal, they are going to name him something extra generic and boring like Michael. And yes, they already have a son named Michael. But what's another Michael? You know, because there just aren't enough Michaels.

For real, growing up with the name Michael is some confusing shit. As a young homo child, there were always at least 2 other Michaels in all of my classes. Teachers starting calling me Michael K, because they got sick of all of us turning our heads around every time we heard the name "Michael." I don't even bother turning around when I hear my name anymore. It's usually someone else. If you ever see me walking down the street, don't say my name to get my attention. Just call me a "dumb bitch." I usually answer to that.

It's impossible for me to post about Marky Mark without using a picture from his old days. I know Marky wants to pretend those days never happened, but we still must never forget. I bet that dog in the picture sleeps with those panties he stole from the shoot. Even the dog can't forget Marky's glory days.

So.... Marky Mark lives near Posh and Becks in Los Angeles. He wants them to get the fuck out of his neighborhood because of the paparazzi attention that follows them. When asked if he has ever met Becks, he said, "No, but that fucker lives down the road from me, man! He has to go back to the UK, because he has the paparazzi all over my house. I was in the UK for the last week and they don't want him back there. They said, 'Keep him over there!'"

Hmmm...Los Angeles doesn't want Posh & Becks and the UK doesn't want them either. I wonder how Santey Claus feels about them? I hear the weather at the North Pole is glorious this time of year. Seriously, Marky lives in fucking Los Angeles. He needs to take off his clothes, put on his Calvins, shut the fuck up and chill.

Here's Marky at "The Happening" premiere in NYC last night with Zooey Deschanel and Mischa Barton. Note to producers: If nobody wants to come to your film premiere, invite Mischa. The saggy bitch goes to anything!

Marky Mark and his fiance of 4 years, Rhea Durham, are expecting their third baby. Dang! Why won't he marry the girl already. Rhea will pop out a baby this fall. They have a daughter, Ella Rae, and a son, Michael.

A friend of Marky Mark's told OK!, "Mark is thrilled to be having another baby. He is an amazing dad, and his two children are his world. He always used to joke about wanting at least a dozen kids, but it looks like he wasn't joking after all."

Basically I just wanted to post this picture of Marky Mark from the 90s. This shit was a huge part of my adolescence. Many hours were spent in the bathroom....I'll stop.

Bonus! Here's video of a dog trying to rip off Marky's panties for a photo shoot with Annie Leibovitz back in the day. He used to be such a tool. He was the kind of dude that would start putting his pants on immediately after busting one on you. Swooooooon!