Too Much Information

When someone asks you a question, you don't always have to tell the whole truth. A simple "Mind your own fucking business" or "Rojo Caliente" (that works for everything) would suffice. Shia obviously hasn't mastered that art, because when Playboy asked him about who he thinks the sexiest woman is, he pulled out this little nugget from his back pocket:

"Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. She's an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds."

While I completely agree with Shia that his mother is indeed the sexiest panty-creaming bitch in the Greater Los Angeles area, I think he should've saved this sucioness for his therapist....or his dealer...or his nightmares. Because now I can't look at pictures of them without thinking Shia wants to get on that. Thank you for that, Shia.

VIA Star Magazine

Blender Magazine asked the tough questions to Kelly Clarkson. They asked her if she goes pee pee while washing herself in the shower. Kelly's answer? "Anybody who says they don’t pee in the shower is lying.”

Kelly is right. We all do it. Don't. Don't lie. Don't. We all do. I mean, you're standing there and the showerhead is raining on you. Your pee hole gets a little jealous, so it starts raining too. Everyone gets in on the fun and there's smiles everywhere!

I even get a sick satisfaction imagining my pee running down the drain, traveling through the pipes and pouring back out through another showhead on some random bitch's face. It's like we're all doing golden showers to each other. Sucio ass bitches. The lot of us!

P.S. - That Lady CaCa quote makes me want to vom, shit and piss in the shower.

VIA OK! Magazine

When the world's fattest dude, Manuel Uribe, got married to Claudia Solis last month in Mexico, my gutter trash mind immediately created pictures of how the two crazy kids spent their wedding night. I figured Claudia poured some guacamole and hot sauce on her cooze and Manuel had himself an all-you-can-eat fish taco midnight dinner.

Well, according to the Daily Star it didn't really go down like that. Manuel's friends really wanted him to bust a load of heavy cream (he really cums heavy cream) on his wedding night, so they made him a special sex ramp inspired by Liberator. The three-foot ramp is reinforced with concrete and what's ever in Posh's tits. Manuel just has to lay his lower half on the ramp, so that Claudia has easy access to ride his chorizo until she gets hers or until his heart calls "time out."

Manuel confirmed the joyous news to the Daily Star, “We have finally had sex and we are a true couple in the eyes of God. We feel like we are in heaven here on Earth.”

Claudia better fuck in moderation. Every time Manuel busts one inside her, she gains 5lbs.

And when Manuel loses all the weight, they can donate their sex toy to the city to be used as a highway on-ramp!

Thanks jazzfish_77

In 1988, when Felicity Huffman replaced Vadge in "Speed-the-Plow" on Broadway, she found a thong in her dressing room. That shit belonged to Vadge. So what did Felicity do? She tried them on. She told More Magazine, "Of course, it didn't fit me."

Hell no! I've seen all kind of shit in other people's panties before. Shit being the key word. There is no way I'd ever expose my pure and innocent genitals to that kind of fuckery. And can you imagine what kind of panty pudding Vadge produces? Tapioca with walnuts!

VIA People

Thanks Kris

Actually, I should've titled this TMI.

Mini-Me's sexy tape co-star gave an interview to the MJ Morning Show today. She didn't really say much, but they did manage to ask her about Mini-Me's wang bone. I've been obsessed with knowing what Mini-Me's peen is like. Yes, I've scheduled a therapy session for next week to discuss these issues of mine.

When asked about it, Ranae said, "As previously reported on other interviews made by him, it is definitely not a tripod." MJ responded, "You're saying he's proportionate for a man of 2'8"?" Ranae said yes.

That means his mini-peter is about the size of one of my fingers. DAMN! How the hell did she feel that shit?! That's not even funny. He would have to stick his whole head up in there and scream at the top of his toddler lungs for me to feel a thing.

That means this sick ass video a lot of you whores have been sending me isn't Mini-Me. DO NOT Click here to see this very NSFL video. DO NOT CLICK. Unless you enjoy seeing little people getting their salad tossed, don't click!

And click here to listen to Ranae's entire interview with the MJ Morning Show.

Since today is obviously "dirty ass" day at Dlisted, here's a related quote from Jack Black. Jack talked about all the ways he used entertain himself as a child.

"I also put Coco Pops in my butt. Why? For comedy and experiment. I was a scientist and I discovered you could put a lot of them up your butt."

My stomach doesn't even want to know what he did with those Coco Pops after they fell out of his ass. Fudge coated Coco Pops! I'm sure there's still a few up in there. Snap! Crackle! Poop! Oh wait, that's Cocoa Krispies. He probably stuck those up there too.

Source VIA ONTD

Got Milk? ads must end! I seriously do not need to know what Martha Stewart's face looked like after prison bukkake. It's not a good thing.

They need to get people that actually look natural with jizzstaches. I'm thinking Clay Gayken, Wonky McValtrex, Gay Al and Daisy Duck. Daisy Duck is a Disney creation which means she's a tramp which means she loves bukkake.

And who the hell drinks milk straight up anymore? It gives me the ass leaks. Yes, more than usual! Shut your damn hole!

Source: ONTD

It's been a while since I've caught up with Alexyss K. Tylor and her words of wisdom. This time around, Alexyss is talking shit, literally. Alexyss just doesn't understand why a lot of you will stay at your man's house for 2 or 3 days and let him do you in every hole, but you won't take a shit in his bathroom. Alexyss is really concerned that you're fucking up your bowels. I agree with Alexyss and that's why I always carry a pack of matches in my pocket. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Nothing will eliminate the scent of fresh doody quite like a freshly lit match.

Alexyss speak the truth. I nominate her for United States Secretary of Health and Human Services!

And this video is pretty NSFW. I doubt you want your boss to hear some woman talking about sucking dick and exploding bowels....or maybe you do?

VIA Crunk + Disorderly

I enjoy walking around naked in the comfort of my own apartment every now and again. It usually makes my dog go into dry heaves, but who really cares about that. Kelly Clarkson also loves wearing her Birthday suit around the house. The difference is that I put shit on when I have company. Kelly doesn't. I don't like the visuals in my head that go along with this story.

UsWeekly (via MSNBC) claims Kelly loves being nude around everyone. A source claims that Kelly doesn't even cover her privates when her house is “filled with strangers for photo shoots or fittings." When questioned about it, Kelly tells her visitors, “I just really like being naked" Someone has to like it!

Being naked around visitors is one way to speed things up. At least Kelly doesn't have to worry about them sticking around too long. Unless they get stuck on the snail trails her vagina leaves all over the furniture.

Thanks Maria