Too Much Information
Lil' Wayne recently had to spend a third of his day in the dentist chair, because his dirty ass rotten mouth needed a bunch of root canals. Well, that's in Jessica Simpson's future, because she admitted that she hardly brushes her teeth. So now Papa Joe knows why Jessica looks at him funny whenever he walks around with a tube of toothpaste down his pants. Jessica ain't interested. Not ever!
In an interview with iheartradio (clip above), Jessica singed the interviewer's nostril hairs when she opened her dirty mouth and said, "I don't brush my teeth. No, really! I just use Listerine and sometimes I'll use my sweater. I do brush every now and again, but my teeth are extremely powerful. I mean, find me when I'm 60 and they'll probably be all out."
John Mayer described Jessica Simpson's pussy as crack, but he didn't say anything about how he had to pick food particles off his dick every time she went down on him. Note to any dude who is about to get down with Jessica, bring a pack of Glide with you! You're going to need it to floss steak bits out of your peen hole.
Here's dirty-mouthed Jessica greeting a dog in NYC yesterday. Dog is like, "Did my tongue go a little too deep when I licked my asshole this morning, or is that just your breath?"
Okay, maybe just one comment:
Wait. Did I just post a picture of a cat in RED Crocs?! Run Morris RUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
via Craigslist (Thanks Brian)
Ladies who make the decision to fuck on John Mayer should get him to sign a confidenitality agreement before he sticks the tip in. Unless you're okay with him vomiting up all the details to anybody who sticks a tape recorder in his face. And this is exactly what John Mayer did to Playboy (via UsWeekly) about Jessica Simpson's sex skills. According to John, Jessica's vagina should come with a prescription for methadone, because it had him foaming at all three of his mouths. Open up and get ready to gargle with a splash of lukewarm douchewater:
John on Jessica being his drug: "And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just fucking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.'"
John on Jennifer Aniston dumping his ass because he is a Tweet-ker: "There was a rumor that I'd been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, 'These are the new rules.'"
John on how many girls he's screwed since Aniston: "I'm going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that's a reasonable number. So is 15. Here's the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don't like jumping through hoops."
John on how he's upping his famewhore game in 2010: "From now on I’m just going to pretend that people really dig the shit out of me. I've been trying to prove to people I'm not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That's fucked up, man. I'm not dating. I'm not even fucking. So now I'm going to experiment with 'fuck you.' In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever."
A John Mayer interview is like a cheesy dick. You know it's going to be painful, but you still plug your nose and give it a lick because the slut in you just can't resist. And once you're done with it, you're left with an awful taste in your mouth that not even Listerine can cure. But John still makes me laugh (Yes, I'll bash myself in the head with the Listerine bottle after I rinse my mouth out).
And you know Papa Joe is going to tape this interview to the wall in front of his favorite toilet. That's his Jess!
If you answered "yes" to that question then your name is probably Gene Wilder. Well Gene, whip out the Orange-Glo and lube your genitals up, because word on the internet is that a naked video of Jersey Shore's Snooki is up for sale.
Radar says that in addition to a video, there's also pictures of Snooki's tangerine titties and butterscotch pudding pot making the rounds. Snooki took the pictures and video herself, but she's not the one peddling them to the highest bidder (uh huh). Radar, who claims to have seen the pictures, says that one demure photo shows Snooki "in her bedroom, on her knees, with one hand on the ground and the other holding the rail of the bed frame. She is looking at the camera with her head tilted slightly." That sounds like some
Alley Cat on a Hot Tin Roof shit.
Isn't this absolutely the shock of all shocks? Snooki is so refined and ladylike on the show. I mean, she puts her hand over her vagina before she queefs.
But seriously, even though we've never seen Snooks fully nekkid ass nekkid, I still feel like I've seen everything but her damn uterus. It's like if I got an e-mail with the subject: Kirstie Alley Sloshing. My dead-wrong imagination has already painted that horrific picture in my head, so there's no need for me to open it. I already know how it's going to make me feel (SPOILER ALERT: like this).
Star Magazine doesn't want you to fully digest food or feel any life in your genitals today, so they have put OctoMom on their cover with the words "My New Bikini Body." Sperm counts will drop!
I also have a feeling that supermarket checkout lines will be a ghost town this week, because when hos get a good look at this, they will abandon their shopping cart full of food and go back to bed! I think I'd rather see Glenn Beck's new bikini body (which looks something like this) than OctoCrazy's. NOT TODAY. NOT EVER.
In the issue, Octo claims that a back alley surgeon's rusty knife didn't help her lose the baby weight. Octo says it was equal parts exercise, diet and determination, "I wanted to prove to myself that I can do it on my own, naturally. My friends call me Rubber Band because I always snapped back so quickly after my other kids!"
No, they call her rubber band, because her uterus is being held together with one. And this loon didn't lose the weight with diet and exercise. Bitch's fat cells can't even stand to be near her, so they quietly slipped out the back door. Octo's uterus tried to be slick and go with them, but she has a tracking system on that bitch. It's not going anywhere.
On last night's Lopez Tonight, Jennifer Love Hewitt was on the show to whore out her new book on relationships and dating. That's another joke for another day. In the book, JLove writes about how she decorated her vagina with crystals after a break-up. Yes, bitch gave herself an Edward Cullen creampie!
JLove loves her disco ball pussy so much that she thinks all women should look like Glamberace directly blew an air kiss into their coochie.
Is nothing sacred anymore?! There's already a pussy dye out to make your labia toddler pink again, and now JLove wants you to throw some rhinestones on it?! FOR WHY?! Is JLove's vagina going to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars? Seriously, unless you're planning on entering your pussy into a child beauty pageant or RuPaul's Drag Race, there's no reason for you to vagazzle your business.
That being said, I must excuse myself, because my no-no has an intimate date with a BeDazzler.
The Photoshop faeries spent way too much time trying to de-beast Khloe Kardashian when they should've focused on erasing Kourtney's "fuckme" eyes while flashing her fetus-filled stomach. WHY?! If this was an ad for fetish escorts, then I'd understand, but this is the last thing I want to see when I haven't even finished my second cup of coffee. Screw the leche, just dump a spoon full of boric acid in there.
Who does Kourtney work for, because she's definitely trying to destroy us all. Most of us have already damaged our ear drums from fucking them with a chop stick while listening to her go on and on about every gory detail of her pregnancy. And now she does this?!
Even a pregnant belly isn't going to stop Kourtney from looking at us like we're a hard dick or a trigger happy pap.
Out Magazine named their 100 honorees, and Glamberace was hailed as the breakout of the year. Since Out is a gay magazine, I would expect them to ask Glamberace about how Ryan Gaycrest would always offer to give him a bikini wax with his tongue. You know, interesting things like that. But instead, they got to talking about his experience with the other kind of vagina.
Are you toying with perception when you talk about how you could be bi-curious? Or are you generally attracted to women?
I will make out with a girl at a bar. I mean, after a couple of drinks.
[Laughing] That doesn’t make you any less gay. Get three mai tais in a gay boy and he’ll make out with a girl. Sex is something different.
That’s why I say I’m curious. There are gay guys that gag and go “eww” at the thought of having sex with a girl. I’m curious about it, because I’ve never done it.
Have you ever had any sex with a girl?
You went down on her?
Was it gross, or it was just not what you wanted?
It was a little gross because I don’t think she was as clean as she could’ve been. It wasn’t the act of it that really turned me off. I don’t really remember. I was 18 and I was drunk. Or maybe I was 17... The point of the matter is that I would not rule it out. The idea is intriguing.
And it’s threatening.
Well, it’s threatening personally because you start identifying as a certain thing for so long, the idea of kind of going outside of that is scary because you’re like, “But that’s who I am!” Being curious and embracing that curiosity is all a part of what I’m about. You don’t have to be any one thing. You can kinda just be. Just live your life -- and play.
If it was Glamberace's first time at the clambake, how did he know if she was dirty down there or not? I sampled from the oyster buffet in the 90s (WE ALL DID), and it didn't make me want to reach for the barf bag or anything. Mostly, I just closed my eyes, clicked my heels and wished that a 9-inch peen would pop out.
I'm guessing that stank snatch is just like stank dick. When dick is rancid, you know as soon as you pull the fly down. Seriously, you can smell it right away. It's like a week-old grilled cheese sandwich lying on a hot subway seat in the middle of August. Your nose hairs curl, your tonsils start throbbing and your slut skills are put to the test. You have to ask yourself if licking peen is really worth spending the next few days scraping dick butter off your tongue. And if your tongue comes across a big chunk of foreskin cheese, IT IS ALL OVER. MAN DOWN CODE 10.
And don't ask me how I went from Glamberace licking on vag to the dangerous world of dirty dick sucking.
There's been many a rumor going around that Jessica Biel is no longer taking a strap-on to Justin Timberlake's succulent nalgas. They have denied the rumors and continue to be photographed walking arm-in-arm like they are still seeing hearts in their eyes. Some source tells Fox411 that Justin and Jessica are together, but only on a part-time basis. Basically, they are fuck time friends.
The source added, "Justin was very clear with Jessica that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship with her anymore where he wasn't able to date other people. Jessica took the news very hard, but once she calmed down and they started talking again, he convinced her to stay friends who hook up, without all the pressure of a relationship. At first she was very reluctant, but she missed him a lot and so she decided to give it a try even though it wasn't exactly how she wanted things to be. She's still in love with him, and they are still attracted to each other, so it would have been difficult for them to quit each other cold turkey."
If I was Jessica's confidante/roid-supplier, I'd tell her ass to take her silicone dick elsewhere. Pack that shit up and find a new hole to bone. I mean, Justin demoted her from full-time to part-time lover. It's just a matter of time before he finds a different ho that can make him squeal like...well...like Justin Timberlake hitting falsetto.
Besides, Jessica has already munched on that ass, so it's time to find a different flavor.
And below is Justin on the set of the Facebook movie today. Justin is playing Sean Parker. I didn't know Sean Parker got his clothes from a guido's dirty laundry basket.
File this under: This is why you don't sleep nekkid with animals who can bite your parts off in the middle of the night (insert a million simultaneous side-eyes here).
About a year ago, one of Bai Ling's ex-boyfriends gave her a $30,000 cheetah-cat as a gift. Bai named the chee-pussy Quiji (pronounced chee-jee). According to crazy ass Bai, Quiji's dad is a cheetah and her mother is a regular ole' domestic cat. Yup, Quiji's mother was a hardcore slut, because she was getting from a damn cheetah.
Anyway, Bai tells PeoplePets that Quiji is her soulmate, because she believes she was a wild pussy in her past life, "In my previous life, I was a cheetah or leopard or some sort of really wild and dangerous animal in nature. But the thing is, Quiji is really the most affectionate, even compared to human beings."
But Quiji is a little too affectionate, because she tried to eat one of Bai's nipples during a make-out session in bed. Bai explained, "I sleep naked ... She was kissing me, and suddenly, she woke up. She saw my nipple, and oh my God, she went for it. If I wasn't fast, my nipple is gone. She thought it was a toy or something."
First of all, we really don't need to know about Bai playing with her pussay in bed. Second of all, THIS CRAZY should not be closing her eyes around a wild animal. This is how bitches lose fingers, faces and more! Bai has some serious nipples, so Quiji probably thought it was a jumbo Tendervittle. Bai could at least sleep with thimbles on her nipples and clitty. Bai does not want to have a "MY PUSSY BITE ME IN MY BAGINA" moment.