Too Much Information
Scary Spice not only has the abs of Jada Pinkett Smith (who also has the abs of the child bodybuilder), but she has a hongray vagina like her too. And just like Jada, she wants the entire world to know about it.
Scary, who is the host of Dance Your Ass Off, told George Lopez last night that she regularly fucks her pussy off. Then she slaps it back on and fucks some more until her husband starts cumming air or until the Crisco tin runs dry.
When George asked Scary what her fitness secret is, she answered, "Your fitness secret...is that you fancy a shag...that you have sex five times a day with your husband. Well today was a busy day, so it was just three. Me and my husband, we're the same age, he is my best friend and I guess we're both just perverts with each other."
Sure, doing serious sexy times does make you sweat like White Oprah in a Carvel, and sometimes your dude might poke in the wrong spot which makes your stomach crunch (that counts as a sit-up), but Jane Fonda will tell you it doesn't count as exercise! Besides, whatever calories I lose from doing that shit comes back in droves afterwards. As soon the jizz hits the wall (depending on their aim), I'm immediately craving a wet nap and anything fried. Some bitches like to cuddle with their fuck partner, I like to cuddle with a two-piece and a buttery biscuit. So Scary needs to stop joking! The only hard object she's handling all day is a damn weight!
Believe it or not, this is not a picture of Tommy Girl trolling The Ramble for a piece to feed to his Scientolohole. This is Tommy on the set of a commercial for ESPN showing us that when he waxes the dead Thetans off his body his chest follicles come off too. And to answer my own question, XENU NO! If you hit that, you would wake up in a Scientology sauna barfing the glib out of your system. That might sound sexy on paper, but you know it's not.
Here's more pictures of Tommy and Cameron Diaz on the set yesterday. In case you need a palate cleanser, I threw in some pictures of Simon Baker summoning the panty pudding in Monte Carlo. Oh, how I just want to slide around one of his golden locks.
I'm all for finding a person in the world who loves nothing more than to cuddle up on your genitals, but YOUR OWN ABUELITA?!
This story is as uncomfortable as a sex nightmare about one of your relatives. Meet 72-year-old Pearl of Indiana and her 26-year-old biological grandson Phil. They are in love and they are having a child together via a surrogate. From New Zealand's New Idea:
Pearl Carter is positively glowing with joy. She has a handsome new boyfriend, is enjoying an active sex life after many years of celibacy and, amazingly, is preparing to become a mother again.
But the retired grandmother isn't carrying the baby herself. She and her young lover have spent a staggering $54,000 hiring a surrogate to help them with their dreams of having a child.
What makes Pearl's decision to become a mum again even more shocking is that her new boyfriend is her biological grandson, 26-year-old Phil Bailey.
Phil is the son of Pearl's daughter Lynette Bailey, and the pair is braving public horror and even prison by breaking one of the last taboos – incest.
However, the pair makes no apologies for their controversial plan to start their own family.
'I'm not interested in anyone else's opinion,' Pearl says. 'I am in love with Phil and he's in love with me. Soon I'll be holding my son or daughter in my arms and Phil will be the proud dad'.
Phil adds, 'I love Pearl with all my heart. I've always been attracted to older women and I think Pearl is gorgeous. Now I'm going to be a dad and I can't wait.
Phil and Pearl didn't meet until he was 18-years-old. Pearl gave Phil's mother up for adoption shortly after she had her. Phil didn't try to find Pearl until his mother died of brain cancer. Phil sent Pearl a letter which led to them meeting face to face. Pearl describes how her dry desert of a vagina filled with lady jizz when she first laid eyes on Phil:
From the first moment that I saw him, I knew we would never have a grandmother-grandson relationship,' Pearl remembers happily. 'For the first time in years I felt sexually alive.'
Phil admits that he had the same feelings towards Pearl.
'I wanted to kiss her there and then,' he says. 'My feelings were overwhelming.'
The pair spent the first week shopping, bowling and eating out. During the second week, giggly on wine after a night out, Pearl decided she wasn't going to deny her feelings anymore
Confused, Pearl talked to a friend, who told her about an article she'd read on Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA), which occurs when close relatives meet as adults and are attracted to each other.
'I could now understand my feelings and realize they weren't wrong,' Pearl says.
Pearl and Phil have been together since 2006. A year ago they decided to use Pearl's retirement money to hire a surrogate to carry their child. Pearl says, "I am finally going to be a mum and not forced to give up my child. Phil's going to be a great dad. I never in a million years thought at 72 I'd be "pregnant" and in love with my grandson. I make no apologies and I believe God's given me a second chance."
I'm trying not to judge, but grandmas are supposed to hit you in the mouth with their chankla! They aren't supposed to hit you in the mouth with their chocha! Grandmas are supposed to serve you a warm apple fritter on a cold day. They aren't supposed to serve you a piece of their lukewarm crotch fritter! Grandmas should have a name like Pearl. They shouldn't lick their dentures in ecstasy when you give them a pearl necklace. You should get your grandmother a cotton robe on Mother's Day. You shouldn't get your grandmother crotchless panties for Mother's Day!
If this story was a paint color, it's name would be: EVERY SHADE OF WRONG.
With that being said, I awkwardly congratulate these two. I also thank them for giving me a reason to fire up the bong early. Thank you.
(Thanks to Chessa too)
Vincent Kartheiser, who plays Pete Campbell on Mad Men, doesn't have a car and lives in a 1-room wooden box without a toilet or a TV. Welcome to another episode of, "Nicolas Cage, This Is Your Future Life!"
In an interview with the Guardian, Vincent says he got so sick of stuff that he threw everything out of his small Hollywood home while it's being renovated. Everything including a toilet. Yeah, so that pile of caca you stepped on in front of Vincent's house didn't come from a dog. You became one with Pete Cambell.
Vincent says, "I go on the bus, I walk. A friend left his car recently at my house and I took it out one day just for 15 minutes and it was terrible. You know why? I felt like I was back in LA again. Four or five years ago, when I had a car and I had been out of the city I wouldn't feel I was back until I got in the car, you know. But now I feel off the grid. I feel that I am not part of the culture. And because I don't have a car I don't really go anywhere to buy things. In fact, I have been in a slow process of selling and giving away everything I own.
Like, I don't have a toilet at the moment. My house is just a wooden box. I mean I am planning to get a toilet at some point. But for now I have to go to the neighbors. I threw it all out.
It started a couple of years ago. It was in response to going to these Golden Globe type events and they just give you stuff. You don't want it. You don't use it. And then Mad Men started to become a success on a popular level and people started sending me stuff, just boxes of shit. Gifts for every holiday, clothes. One day, I looked around and thought 'I don't want this stuff, I didn't ask for it'. So I started giving it to friends or charity stores, or if it is still in its box I might sell it for a hundred bucks. I liked it so I didn't stop."
First of all, Vincent must have a special bond with his neighbors if they let him shit in their toilet all the time. He should get them a bouquet of urinal cakes as a thank you. Second of all, where does Vincent do all his thinking. That's what the toilet is for. It's where you think, read, file your nails, draw pictures on your thighs with a sharpie, talk to your relatives, smell shampoo bottles, write your blog posts, etc.. etc.. Doing all those things while squatting over a cut-off milk carton in the backyard just isn't the same thing.
Since you might have already seen Coco's twat wax on Twitter, why not add another one to the overshare pile. Stick your fingers up your nostrils, because this one smells like microwaved brisket with notes of Hawaiian Breeze Glade. That's also what it smells like when your dignity catches on fire and burns to ash.
Jessica Simpson's assistant, CaCee Cobs, decided to share this picture with her Twitter audience of her boyfriend Donald Faison (of Clueless and Scrubs) releasing a prairie dog into the pond. Naked caca times is no longer sacred.
And this means that it won't be long before Ashton Kutcher Tweets a picture of his asshole getting bleach, or dumb fuck Scott Baio Tweets a picture of his equally dumb fuck wife trying to remove the "lesbian shitasses" from his back with a sandblaster dipped in holy water.
Anyways, here's Donald and CaCee leaving their hotel in NYC yesterday. Based on Donald's thumbs up, I'm guessing everything went well.
Detective La Toya has nothing to do with this latest Larry King mess, but I felt like this day really needed an appearance by her. We can all breathe again.
Anyway, after yesterday's news came out that Zombie Larry is about to star in The Mummy 4: Larry King's Got His Groove Back, more stories started seeping out about what led to his divorce from Shawn Southwick. Apparently, it's been rumored for years that Larry is banging Shawn's younger sister Shannon. Also, there's a rumor going around that Shawn is banging her kids' little league coach.
Shannon denies that she's been sucking on Larry's tequila worm, but TMZ's sources say she's lie-telling in the first degree. The source went on to say that Larry and Shannon's affair has been going on for 5 years. Larry showered Shannon with all kinds of gifts like fancy diamond trinkets from Cartier and a $160,000 car. The nasty gross jig was up when Shawn checked Larry's credit card statements and noticed that he bought a diamond necklace from Cartier. This led to numerous fight which got physical. YES, the geriatric turtle be fightin'!
The source said that over a year ago, Larry and Shawn had it out in front of a restaurant in Los Angeles. Shit got so real that they both started "punching each other."
Larry truly is immortal and stronger than he looks. I barely have even enough energy to wipe my ass, and here's Larry fucking and punching like an ADD-ridden teenager on the wrong kind of speed. I bet Larry doesn't even shrivel up when you pour salt on his head. Don't even try to stomp on him when he scurries across your kitchen floor in the middle of the night, because he will break every bone in your foot.
Twitter is really going to be the death of us all. Since April 15th is already the worst day of the year, let's go out with a bang (to the genitals). Here's Michael Lohan showing off his overcooked, overplucked and overfucked body on Twitter.
Stick a Little Tree under your nostrils, because this picture reeks of Axe, 2-week-old cigarette butts found in the gutter, Pisco Sours, a burnt tampon, baby oil and taint cheese.
But seriously, you don't have to act like you wouldn't chew on his nipples even though they look like puss-filled butt pimples. On second thought, if you really feel that way maybe you should act like you wouldn't.....
This picture has nothing to do with this story (or does it?), but I figured it would go well with your fanfiction about Jack and Sawyer partaking in a little angry make up sex on a polar bear rug down in the hatch while the smoke monster faps away in the corner.
In an interview with Playboy (via UsWeekly), Matthew Fox gave up the details on how he first gave it up to a girl. Here's Matthew spilling the pre-teen jizz:
"I was 12. She was about two years older than me. It wasn't her first time. I can actually see the event in my mind's eye, like photographs. It was in Dubois, Wyoming, where the population sign probably says, to this day, about 1,000. It happened literally on the ground by a river while a rodeo was going on in town. It was absolutely terrible and awkward--just two fucking kids lying down and pulling our pants down."
Everybody who grew up in Wyoming probably lost their virginity on the ground by a river, so Matthew shouldn't feel so special. What's most surprising about any of this is that Matthew was a 12-year-old boy once upon a time! There's certain people that I can never picture as a child, and Matthew is one of them. I'm convinced that he came out of his mother's vag as the oldest Salinger brother who later became an alcoholic doctor who frowns a lot and has a permanent case of hair shadow on his face.
And Matthew should go through those mind photographs again, because I bet you that Jacob is in at least one of those pictures. Creepy fuck! That ho is like a Tiger Woods mistress. He's eeeeeeverywhere!
Tampons are having the worst month ever. First came the tale of Terry Richardson's love of tampon tea, and now here's a story from Vanity Fair about Tiger Woods' tango with a tampon. The tampon in question belonged to Mindy Lawton who just had to pose with a cherry in her mouth. This bitch.
Mindy, who has always been my favorite member of Tiger Woods' pack of whores, tells Vanity Fair that she first met him while serving tables at Perkin's. Even though Tiger only tipped Mindy 15% every time he came in, she still accepted his invitation when he asked her out. They ended up consummating their new love on his kitchen floor. Mindy went on to say that over the next few months, Tiger would say "jump" and she would spread her legs. Tiger wanted to fuck all the damn time no matter what obstacles got in his way. And by "obstacles," I mean Mindy's used tampon:
Another time, he insisted on meeting her right before a big golf tourney in 2007. “He wanted that last piece of booty before he could go to his tournament. To make him shoot better,” she said.
They met in a parking lot. She said she told him she was having her period and asked if they could avoid intercourse. But Tiger would not be denied, Lawton said. She said they started going at it next to the golfer’s Cadillac SUV. “He told me to pull my underwear down and pull out my tampon, and we went at it with me pressed up against his Escalade,” she said. “He did it from the back.”
MINDY! How could she let a bitch who only tips her 15% stir her crotchberry jam without a condom?! If I had any respect for Mindy, I would've tossed it into the compost pile after reading that mess. And it gets worse....
After they left, Lawton claims, reporters from The National Enquirer, who had been following her, picked up the tampon she had dropped in the parking lot, and later threatened to use it as part of a story exposing Woods’s infidelity. When the tabloid contacted one of Lawton’s relatives, Lawton texted Tiger in a panic, and he put her in touch with Mark Steinberg. “That’s when their brush-under-the-rug, the cover-up, happened,” Lawton says, referring to a deal that the Enquirer allegedly made with Tiger’s handlers to hold the adultery story in exchange for Woods’s giving an exclusive interview to its sister publication Men’s Fitness. (A spokesperson for The National Enquirer denies that the paper held the Lawton story in exchange for an exclusive on Tiger.)
So the next time you start feeling hate for your job, just think about the poor bitch whose job it is to pick up used tampons in parking lots.
If you want to read a few more stories from Vanity Fair's special "Whores Tell All" issue, click here.
You might have already seen pictures of Mischa Barton fingering her nostril for a juicy piece of nose poo, so why not read about how she recently vomited outside of a bar in L.A. Yes, we're really getting to know Mischa LIKE THAT. It won't be long before we see pictures of a floater Mischa left in the toilet at a Del Taco. Synchronize your watches.
A source tells Page Six that Mischa strolled into Bar Marmont on Saturday looking "totally out of it." Mischa's episode of Law & Order must have been playing on the TV in the bar, because the source claims she immediately ran outside to shower the ground with barf. The source said, "A few minutes after she comes in, she runs outside and vomits everywhere. And then she went back inside and hung out for the rest of the night."
Mischa's rep didn't have to shit to say about this.
Mischa obviously needs to take a few lessons in manners at the Charleston School of Etiquette, because what kind of lady barfs outside of a bar?! Have a little respect for yourself! A true lady yacks into the bathroom sink or into an empty glass on the table. If that's not an option, just barf on the hottest piece in the place. It's the quickest way to get him half-naked. Yes, he could also return the favor by barfing on you, but that's a chance you have to be willing to take.
I swear, Mischa is like a grody ass toddler. Barfing and boogering all over the place. I pity the poor ho who has to scrub her chonies, because you know that shit looks like last week's lasagna.