Too Much Information
David Arquette told the Howard Stern Show this morning that he's hoping to take a knife full of spackle to the giant cracks in his marriage to Courtney Cox. David's first step in making that happen was to tell the entire damn universe that he hasn't stuck it in Cox's vagina in 4 months! Yes, David got on his blow horn and announced to everyone that the last time his peen visited his wife's snatch Marmaduke was still playing in the theaters. This is some shit you save for your therapist's settee or for the side-piece you're trying to pick up in a bar.
David also kept strolling down TM-FUCKING-I Blvd. by saying that Courtney is the one who wanted to put their marriage on hold, because she was sick of "being his mother." David said that Courtney is an emotional being and if she doesn't feel like doing something, she's not going to do it. He called her the most amazing person he knows and believes they will eventually get their shit together and make their marriage work.
David denied that he passed his peen to other chicks before they split up, but he did admit to getting on noted Lohan puncher and star fucker extraordinaire Jasmine Waltz after the fact.
First of all, I don't think David Arquette read the fine print on his marriage license that stated by signing that document he's acknowledging that he might not have sex with his wife for months (if not years) at a time. Read before you sign! Second of all, maybe Courtney will stop treating him like a child the minute he stops dressing like a colorblind 6-year-old boy from the late 70s.
This is a change of scenery. Usually you will find a strapped, harnessed and bruised Tommy Girl deep down in his dungeon, but here he is out in the open in Prague shooting scenes for Mission Impossible 4: The Search for TG's Sanity.
If you're thinking to yourself that Tommy jumping around like Taylor Lautner on meth isn't that impressive, you should know that he's doing it with an anal pacifier in his butthole and electrical wire tied around his nuts. SO THERE! Tommy knew all that practice would pay off some day. Now he can totally write off all his toys.
When OctoMom first burst onto the ho stroll after bursting out 8 BABIES!!!, Vivid Entertainment offered her $1 million to spread her C-section scar in a porn movie. Octo clutched her rosary, made the sign of the cross and was so offended by Vivid's offer that she almost fainted into a puddle of offensiveness.
Well, it's 7-months later and Octo couldn't even pop 8 dollars out of her pussy if she tried. Octo is about to move her child army into the Super 8 down the street and she's putting on her chanklas right now to pay a visit to the WIC office. Octo's home is facing foreclosure and she might go on welfare.
Vivid heard Octo's woes and so they are circling around her once again. This time they are offering to give her $500,000 for just one hour of boning. This is the open
sore letter they released today:
In a letter to Nadya, Vivid founder/co-chairman Steven Hirsch says "We have an easy and ready solution for you to relieve yourself of this financial problem. We are offering you the opportunity to perform in one scene, for one hour in one of our movies and we will pay you up to $500,000.
"We can arrange for this to happen quickly so that you will get paid in advance of your October deadline.
"We urge you to give our offer serious consideration. We will work closely with you in planning your scene to make this an enjoyable experience for you," he added.
Gossip sites have reported that Nadya is close to going on welfare in order to support her 14 children. If she accepts the offer from Vivid, she will be able to avoid both foreclosure and welfare.
"I hope to hear from her very quickly," says Hirsch. "It appears she has no time to waste and I feel confident that she will be pleased with the results of her shoot with us."
There's no way Octo is going to take this offer. That crazy bitch would rather figuratively fuck taxpayers in the ass than get fucked literally on screen. If I was her, I'd Crisco up my coochie and ask Vivid for the time and place. Screeching babies, clouds of baby diarrhea, toddler vomit everywhere.... You'd have to suck on a crack pipe or suck on a peen just to deal.
That's how you know Octo is on the other side of sane, because she claims nothing makes her happier than hearing all ten million of her kids crying in the morning. Forget 69, 5150 that crazy.
Paz de la Huerta's one goal at the Boardwalk Empire premiere in Atlantic City, NJ last night was to make sure that every camera and every set of eyes got a peek at the stupid snake tattoo crawling up her ankle. It's not like it's a Mt. Golden Girls tattoo drawn by the hand of Michelangelo. It's just an ugly ass snake. Shit ain't even hissing. And Paz tried so hard to show off the snake on her ankle that she almost flashed her shaved baby mongoose.
I could think of better uses for Paz's hand instead of holding up the slit in her dress. Namely, using that hand to wipe that cacaliscious lipstick (in shade: diarrhea latte) off her face.
But you know, Paz did complete her goal in the end because here I am staring at that shitty snake on her ankle. You win this time, Paz.
Here's more pictures of Paz mugging and whoring at the cameras with her Boardwalk Empire co-stars: Michael Stuhlbarg, Michael K. Williams, Kelly Macdonald, Aleksa Palladino, Vincent Piazza and Michael Pitt.
Noted Binoche-hater and one of France's biggest cuntbags Gerard Depardouchebag told a story at the Montreal Film Festival that nobody ever needed to know. If herbal chemists can find a way to put this story into pill form, it will replace activated charcoal as the #1 natural vomit inducer.
While shooting 1900 back in 1977, Robert De Niro had trouble summoning the hard emotion out of his peen. One scene called for Robert's dick to get hard and since he's a true thespian he didn't want to use artificial tools to do the job for him. So for some bizarre reason, Robert called up his co-star Gerard Depardieu to help him out. That shit is weird, because Gerard's face is usually used to kill rock hard boners, not birth them. Try it. Stare at the picture above of Gerard's face. Yup, flaccid clits and dicks all around. You never knew clitolepsy was a real thing until now.
Page Six says that Gerard claims that he solved Robert's dick dilemma in a quick second. Gerard wouldn't give up the details, but said it involved water and Tiger Balm. I don't even want to know how that works....
Just in case the thought of a younger Gerard and Robert trying to wake up a boner is easier to deal with, here's a picture of them in the movie 1900:
By the looks of Gerard today and Gerard in 1977, my guess is that he also spreads water and Tiger Balm on his nose every night before he goes to bed.
In news that will make horny horses with Playboy subscriptions and sucio fucks with skeleton fetishes pop simultaneous boners, Michaele Salahi, the White House party crasher and star of The Real Housewives of DC, will bare her nipples and crotch in the pages of Playboy Magazine. Playboy must have outbid Horse & Hound Magazine for this honor.
TMZ says that Michaele will go fully nekkid ass nekkid and won't leave anything to the part of your imagination marked "HORROR!!!". Ann Coulter's separated in hell twin will pose for Playboy later this month. Playboy hasn't decided yet if they are putting her on the cover. If Michaele is going to be in Playboy's annual Halloween or bestiality issue, then she definitely should grace the cover.
And in related news, the world's top programmers, scientists, engineers, witch doctors and magicians are working on the new version of Photoshop right now.
When Simon Monjack and Sharon Murphy started doing the media rounds shortly after Brittany Murphy's death, wannabe Detective La Toyas pulled out their magnifying glasses to find the something in the milk that ain't clean. Well, here's a small piece of info they can add to their files (labeled: Because we have to know EVERYTHING). According to TMZ, the coroner's report on Simon Monjack's death states that he slept in the same bed as Sharon Murphy.
When investigators were searching the master bedroom, Sharon pointed to one side of Simon's bed and told them that was her "side of the bed." Investigators also found several prescription bottles with the names Sharon Murphy and Sharon Monjack on them. Sharon told investigators those pills belonged to her. TMZ adds that the report "doesn't suggest sexual contact between the two."
People grieve all sorts of ways. Sharon and Simon were the two people closest Brittany, so maybe they found comfort in sleeping next to each other every night? Is it weird? I'm the wrong bitch to ask since I used my baby blanket as a dream time cuddle pillow until I was.....in high school (Yeah, let's just go with "high school" and keep moving...).
But the weirdest part of all of this is that Sharon (who is giving me Beverly D'Angelo fever) and Simon chose that picture of Brittany looking like a sad homeless clown who really needs to pee. Wasn't there a picture from Ty's big makeover scene in Clueless they could've used instead?
Hugh Hefner's former twin day nurses (they were in charge of crushing pills into his blueberry sauce) Kristina and Karissa Shannon have already proven that they will climb every step on the fuckery ladder for attention, so naturally here they are giving us a visual representation for The Incest Song at a Playboy party.
This mess looks like one factory rejected mannequin trying to give CPR to another factory rejected mannequin. Besides, St. Angie and James Haven did it better. And by better I mean grosser.
You might want to kill the breaker that powers the part of your brain that creates visuals before you read this quote from 16-year-old Taylor Momsen. Or you might end up sharing a cell with Icy Spicy Leoncie. Taylor Glasby from Disorder Magazine (via Styleite) asked Taylor if she's dating anybody. Obviously, Taylor doesn't have time for dudes, because she's currently involved in an unhealthy relationship with black fucking shit eyeshadow!
Taylor Glasby writes this about Taylor's answer to her question:
"She also grins when asked if she’s single, and replies that she is, that she’s not into guys, waits a beat, then adds she’s not gay but just bored of men and her best friend is her vibrator."
When we (Yes, I'm speaking for all of us again) were 16, we played with Tonka Trucks and Legos....not vibrators! Okay, yes we played with vibrators, but we didn't brag about it to everyone and anyone. Okay, yes we did brag about it to anybody with a semi-working eardrum, but we didn't shout it into a magazine. Okay, yes we would've told the school newsletter about that shit if they asked....but...I don't even know what I'm writing anymore.
Well, at least Taylor doesn't have a standing appointment at the free clinic and a neverending prescription for morning after pills. So good for her that she shares a "Best Friends Forever" heart necklace with a vibrator. And now we're all going to jail.
If you ever find yourself inside Khia's house and notice a cup full of candy canes with bits of crusted Cream of Wheat on them, stay away, because after reading this you will know exactly where that shit has been and the kind of clit they've seen! Khia tells Vibe Magazine that you can celebrate the spirit of Christmas all year long by sticking a little ho ho ho in your hoo hoo hoo. Khia says:
"Don’t be scared to bring candies and toys into the bedroom. Some guys are jealous of dildos because of the size, so what I did to kind of ease [my ex-husband] is introduce him to jumbo candy canes that they give at Christmas time. I like that better because number one, it doesn’t look like a penis that’s bigger than him, so he won’t be jealous. Plus, it makes the vagina taste wonderful and the peppermint makes it tingle a little bit when he blows. It’s good when he’s giving you head; it looks fun and kiddie-like going in, so he’s not intimidated."
And I don't even want to know what she does with Pop Rocks....