Too Much Information
I was going to write about how MTV is supposedly going to recast the entire cast of Jersey Shore for season six, but I made the editorial decision that this story about a pile of shits getting dumped was much more entertaining, newsworthy and interesting!
Skeletor was on The Tonight Show the other night and he told Jay Leno about the time one of his Dragon Tales twins dropped the most expensive shit bomb that has come out of a Lopez since Bordertown.
"He had an accident in the pool. It got into the filtration system and they charged us to clean it. That was expensive. He took a $6,000 dump in the pool!
In order to potty train them, every time they'd use the toilet we'd give them a lollipop. Three days passed and we ran out of lollipops. I'm like, 'You should probably get them checked out if they're using the potty that much.'"
This will teach JLo to stop taking singing lessons in the pool house. Even a Dragon Twin's bowels cannot resist the urge to purge itself when exposed to JLo's non-auto-tuned voice.
And $6,000 might seem like a lot of money to clean a pool, but this is JLo we're talking about. If she didn't order them to resurface the entire pool with elephant ivory and refill it with the tears of a beluga whale, then we can look dead into her eyes and say, "I don't know you anymore."
That lovely visual is brought to you by Guns 'N Roses drummer Steven Adler who invited TMZ's camera into his tour bus for a little talk and somehow the conversation nose dived straight into Steven Tyler's crotch. Steven Tyler may look like Ruth Bader Ginsburg after a bad trip, but his gavel is way bigger than hers.
When TMZ asked Steven Adler if he's ever tried to inflate his dick situation with ExtenZe pills, he said this: "I've tried 'em. They don't work. After seeing Steven Tyler's rig with five different girls hands wrapped around it, I'm lucky if I take my clothes off after that. I was devastated."
Either the LSD Steven Adler was on at the time gave him fun house mirror eyes or those five girls had Kristen Wiig baby doll hands, because in this NSFW picture I don't see a dick so large that it can share skinny jeans with Steven Tyler. But then again, his peen tip is staring directly at his face so maybe it shrinks when it feels threatened? National Geographic should investigate.
It seems like it was just yesterday when proud virgin Jordin Sparks was flashing her purity ring and preaching about how not every single person out there wants to be a big slut (I resemble that comment!). And now here's a skinnier version of Jordin Sparks busting out moves that can only be taught at Miley Cyrus' Bathroom Mirror Modeling School (Tagline: "Train to be a bathroom mirror slut or just look like one!").
Judging by this photographic dissertation Jordin Tweeted yesterday, you can tell she majored in Sessypoutlips and minored in Ricochetflasheyes. You can almost hear her professors, Vanessa Hudgens and Demi Moore, putting down their camera phones to give it up for Jordin for completing her thesis.
For a graduation gift, I will melt down Jordin's purity ring, mold it into the words "Fat Virgin No More" and attach it to a belly ring she can wear for her next bathroom mirror pictorial!
Reese Witherspoon recently WAH WAH WAHed out that she sits in her car and weeps mournful tears for the loss of her privacy, but ho really should be bawling at the fact that she's swallowed way too many tablespoons of sparkly vampire sputum. The lining of Reese's stomach now looks like the inside of a Twihard's chonies after they fapped with a bottle of body glitter to the leaked Breaking Dawn sex pictures. Reese tells InTouch that shooting her big fake fuck scene with RPattz for that movie about elephants with cotton mouth was not unlike making out with a toad's runny ass.
On the day they had to exchange fluids, RPattz's fluids had a little extra something in it thanks to the cold he came down with. Reese oh-so-eloquently put it like this: “Rob possibly had the most hideous horrible cold of any co-star I’ve ever had to do a love scene with ever in my entire life. He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it – and it was not appealing. I’m talking green, infectious, disgusting – I’m not kidding! I’m going to say it’s a little bit of a downer. I was a little disappointed. It wasn’t sexy.”
Are we sure RPattz isn't allergic to Reese's ass? You know, a Reese and RPattz hump scene doesn't sound sexy in the first place, so him shooting mucus balls from his nose is just nature's way of barfing. Oh, and that chorus of squishes you hear is every Twihard getting down to Reese's quote. It's going to take more than green snot to keep them off the body glitter bottle.
Oh, it's good to have our good old David Arquette back! I was scared there for a minute. When David checked into rehab, part of me thought that they drugged him in his sleep, wheeled him into the back room and surgically implanted a Brita filter into his brain to keep him from spewing TMI shit like he did before he went in. All was quiet for a while, but David opened his mouth to his friend Howard Stern and filled us in on the comings and goings of his dick.
Basically, he's going more than he's coming. David says that when he reunited with Courteney at Disney World, he tried to get her to take a wild ride on his Mr. Toad, but she politely got out of line and dropped her Fastpass into the trash. All the details we don't really need to know from UsWeekly:
As usual, Arquette was blunt. "Listen, I tried to fuck her, and she doesn't even want me," he told Stern and his crew. "Oh, that's probably something I shouldn't have said," he added regretfully.
The star (who appears in Scream 4 with Cox) admitted that the family-friendly getaway amidst Mickey Mouse et al got him feeling romantic and hopeful. "This is the happiest place on Earth! Let’s make it happier!"
"I mean, I love her. I love her with all my heart," he explained.
Stern, of course, pressed for details. "How far did you get with her? Just kiss?" the shock jock asked. "A little bit. It was like we were...eighth graders. Seventh graders."
Even though Cox rejected him, Arquette took pains to insist that Cox isn't hooking up with Josh Hopkins, 40, despite all appearances to the contrary.
"We have a really super fucking honest relationship and [a new romance with Hopkins] would have come up," he told Stern.
You know, I was about to seriously type that David just blew any chance he had at getting blown by Courteney's cooch again, but then I quickly erased it (and typed it again, just so I could say show you what I erased). It's safe to say that Courteney is pretty used to living with a grown dude who always talks like he's calling into Loveline.
Mimi, the purveyor of maternal taste, has really outdone herself in the tact and class department this time! Mimi already gave us a dozen unforgettable eye fulls when she bared her bountiful belly basket of butterfly babies (I hate myself for writing that) on the cover of Life & Style, and this time she's taking it a whole new awkward level with her husband Nick Cannon on (Not) OK! Magazine.
The pregnancyface.... The gigantic third hand covering Mimi's belly.... Nick pressing Mimi's chichis so hard that I'm surprised leche didn't spurt out of her mouth.... Nick looking like he's sticking the tip in....
No wonder one of Mimi's twins refuses to lift her head up. Mimi tells OK! that her twins (who I hope she'll name Nickariah Frostine and Mariahick Funshine Bear) already have personalities even though they haven't left the womb yet.
“You can tell the personalities a bit. In viewing our ultrasounds, our boy is all ready like Nick, like, ‘Here I am, take my picture or don’t, and our girl is coyly facing the other way, like, ‘No pictures,’ waiting for a proper debut.
I took some ultrasound footage of them in the womb that I think they’ll definitely find interesting later in life.”
Nickariah Frostine isn't waiting for her proper debut! She's keeping her face down, because she knows what's going on out there and she wants no part of this pregnancy porn fuckery.
We'd expect nothing less from the forever elegant crystal unicorn princess and she knows this. So Mimi said "Poof!" to Vogue, dismissed Vanity Fair and instead chose to bare her overgrown butterfly cocoon for the cover of the tastemaking periodical of class that is Life & Style Weekly. When we all think of the words "life" and "style," we automatically think of double knocked up Mimi airing her lamb pit out while wearing a wavy hair bra, so this is a perfect fit.
Mimi gets nekkid ass nekkid for her drivers license photo, so we knew this day was coming. To be honest, I was kind of hoping that Mimi would save it for a limited-edition Lisa Frank folder sold in select Walgreens, but this is a good second choice.
Mimi tells Life & Style that even though she wasn't feeling totally camera ready fresh (Can I get an extra sparkly "HO, PLEASE"?), she knew she wanted to share this special Care Bear Stare with the world, so she dropped her pink satin marabou robe, brought her best eyebrow game and worked it like an Awkward Family Photos desk calendar model. Mimi cooed this out after the shoot:
"I was feeling very vulnerable about taking pictures at all right now, but then I didn't want to miss this opportunity to document this once-in-a-lifetime experience. My ultimate goal was to share this incredibly personal moment with my true fans.
The babies were kicking almost the entire time; it was unbelievable. Especially the girl -- clearly she's a diva in training! We didn't start shooting until 1:30 a.m. because I was in the hospital from the night before until the day of the shoot with contractions five minutes apart!
Now I have so much respect for mothers everywhere, especially those who've had difficult pregnancies or given birth to multiples. We need to have Mother's Day once a week!"
Why do I have a feeling that knocked up hos everywhere are going to request "The Mimi Set-Up" at Glamour Shots and Sears Portrait Studios all around the country? Sears better stock extra clip-on polyester falls just in case. Speaking of, that hair sort of makes Mimi look like what happened after Lady totally swallowed the Tramp's noodle and more.
And no, we don't need a Mother's Day once a week, but we definitely need a Mimi Gets Naked Day once a week, because this is a refined work of understated art (add an "f" to art if you feel the need).
Snookitina doesn't mind that the driver's stomach is moaning or that he's muttering "ohdeargoddontlookbehindyou" to himself while the Jaws theme song booms in his head, bitch is licking that tongue like it's pickled! The Ecuadorian Hatchet Face is stuffed full of pasta, drunk, horny and she's got gel nail polish on her lips so it's not going to smudge this century or the next. And she's got herself a KFed 2.0 who won't care when she burps up wine bubbles on his tongue as long as the check clears. Suck on that mouth like it's filled with album sales, Xtina!
Drew Barrymore and her latest boyfriend, whosenameyoudontneedtolearnsinceshellhaveanewonenextweek, gave everybody at the Lakers game a tongue and grope show in L.A. last night. Drew has this thing where she looks like she's in for real love with every dude she's dating at the time. Look at her eyes burping out pink hearts in the picture above. Drew is looking at her dude like he's a giant unicorn man who has an eternally hard 8.5" dick that cums fluffy kittens and whose anus is the keyhole to heaven. SO IN LOVE.
It's sickening. I just want to catch the flu and then sneeze right into their kissing mouths. This dude knows what I'm talking about.
Behold, the majestic gut that sits on top of the heads of at least three lovely ladies a day while they lick on the glorious lo-mein noodle and try to breathe through their b-holes because you know it gets stifling in there. Cee Lo Green made all of us sing out "FUCK YOU" in unison, but apparently hos from around the world are screaming "FUCK ME" at him all the time. Ladies just can't get enough of rolling around with the Violet Beauregarde of R&B. Cee Lo proudly tells The Sun that he's neck deep in pussy most days.
"I'm definitely having more sex than the average man. Yes, two or three women a night, trust me. The other day I slept with two women - not at the same time - because I was at home and they missed me. But you know, these are my friends, we missed each other. So I just want to give joy and good tidings, that's what it's all about.
The Lady Killer has got all the girls in a frenzy. Everybody wants to know what's up with the big man. It makes sense because I'm a great guy - I'm charming, I'm funny, I'm sexually potent."
And it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he's a world famous singer with a pocket full of riches! But really, I believe him. Look at Cee Lo! Don't act like you wouldn't suck Whoppers out of his belly button. Shit, he probably cums Whoppers. Yes, I would.