Too Much Information
The entire county of Los Angeles has been put on flood alert and every citizen has been given a pair of water wings and told to watch out for floating bits of undigested Slutty Brownies. This happened after Jessica Simpson went on Jimmy Kimmel last night and told him that the reason why she looks like a SpongeBob hot air balloon in a yallaw wig is because she's got three lakes full of baby water up in there.
"I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha.... Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”
Does that mean when Jessica farts, her three ton belly makes the same gurgling sound a Sparkletts water cooler makes when you flip it over?
I can deal with Jessica naming her baby Maxi Pad and I'm even okay with her going on about how she's giving her 10 pounds baby the dizzies with her non-stop pregnant fucking, but now she's gone too far. I mean, I've always figured that Papa Joe was seriously into squirter porn and now Jessica is telling me she's about to deliver the geyser squirt of all geyser squirts? Fuck you, Jessica, for giving me the image of Papa Joe waddling around in flippers, a scuba mask and a giant smile. SUCIO!
Because Jessica Simpson has to give you every last detail of her pregnancy including her exploding fart hole and a picture of her CGI naked body, she told Ryan Gaycrest on his radio show (via UsWeekly) this morning that she's 170 pounds, has never felt hotter and is having double stuffed orgasms. My thigh bones have flattened just from thinking about Jessica riding on her piece. Take it, Chestica:
"I am definitely 'feeling intimate and HOW! I'm kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever! He's always ready!
I should ask Papa Joe if I could borrow the image maker in his brain, because I'm having a hard time picturing Jessica and Eric getting it on. How does it work, exactly? The missionary position is impossible. That would be like trying to fuck your piece while a stability ball is between you two. That would only work if you or your fuck partner is Tommy Lee, or if you or your fuck partner has an extendable vagina tunnel that looks like an elephant's nose. Hitting it from the back would also be impossible unless they dug a crater hole into the mattress and just planted Jessica in there. So, riding on top it is! Damn.
That shit must be intense. They probably have to get those people who transport the whales into the tanks at Sea World to hold Jessica up as she rides hard. A medic always has to be on hand to give Eric oxygen every time his last breath gets knocked out of him from Jessica's 2 ton belly hitting his stomach. And it's probably hard for Eric to keep his peen in Jessica when his unborn toddler's foot keeps trying to kick it out.
Jessica is riding on a pleasure seizure wave while Eric is scarred for life! It's hard out there for Jessica's bought-and-paid piece.
I know the last thing anybody wants to see on a Monday morning is something Chris Brown's beaver molars have gnawed, but let's just get this shit out of the way so we can quickly move no to more important and newsworthy stories like PUSSY ELEVATORS! It's been about 7 seconds since RiRi's Barbadian nipple knobs have gotten any camera time and if the eyes of a stranger don't gaze into their slit holes every hour on the hour, they'll shrivel into raisin dust like ear drums when she sings live. So RiRi put them on display while struttin' to Da Silvano in NYC last night.
You know, I'm all for a trick looking like she just drunkenly fell titties-first into a screen door (it keeps the flies out), but this entire look is a damn fucking mesh. Bitch looks like a truck stop hooker circa 1991 who is hitchhiking to Hollywood to live out her dream of being a Fly Girl on In Living Color. That sweater mesh thing is confusing me and those 90s jeans remind me of desperate times when I would sit on my bedroom floor carefully ripping holes into my Bugle Boys with pinking shears to make it look like they just naturally tore that way.
And I'm 99% sure that at least one member of Bell Biv DeVoe wore this exact outfit back in the day and I'm 99% sure that he wore it better.
In "I'm sure your sick ass will find a way to fap to this" news, Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger's 18-year-old son Patrick had a BITCH GOES BOOM accident yesterday while skiing with his family in Sun Valley, Idaho. Patrick spent a quick minute in the hospital, but he was well enough to Tweet a picture of the gaping, bloody gash on his nalgas. If you're the kind of weak bitch who gets light in the head over a bloody ass, then please put that disclaimer in your Grindr profile, because I hate it when a top passes out at the sight of a horror show butt. It totally kills the romance. Also, if a bloody ass slit gives the weezies, keep your black arrow away from this link. JUMP!
Doesn't it seem like just yesterday the media was asking a young Daniel Radcliffe what kind of Legos he likes to play with (or whatever) and now the media is asking him about how he likes his coochie. They grow up so fast. DanRad and Heat Magazine (via Entertainmentwise) were talking about how he let his Jewish peen bush be great in Equus and that somehow led to him confessing that if he's not pulling pubes off his tongue, he's not messing with it:
"This is way too much information, but I don't like girls with nothing down there either. It freaks me out. You have to have something, otherwise it's fucking creepy,"
And now we know that DanRad has licked on a hairless skin mitten and it was creepy to his ass because it was like sucking on a hairless armadillo's armpit or giving a raspberry to a plate of dried mangos. THANKS, Harry Potter. But I'm with him. Genital shrubs are there for a reason. It gives you something to look at while you're down there and it sometimes protects your nose. What if you're really getting into it and you accidentally scrape your nose on their crotch stubble. It can happen! A good day would be not having to explain to people that the scratch on your nose is from rubbing up against the stubble patch on your piece's crotch.
Sinead O'Connor's marriage to Barry Herridge quickly fell into a coma on her honeymoon night when she dragged his ass to a Las Vegas crackhouse looking for the good shit. Shit was a little awkward since Barry is a drug counselor (Note to self: Ask your new husband if he's a drug counselor before you drag him to a crackhouse on your honeymoon night) and so they went their separate ways. But just like the feeling in my no-no when I sprinkle a little salt on it, Barry has come back to Sinead and she Tweeted about their reunion last night. WARNING: Reading Sinead's Tweets could cause your brain to wall slide against your skull, because this reads like it was written by a horny, handless caveman with a concussion on his head (or by Courtney Love):
Spent beautiful evening of love making with nine other than husband! Who turned up angelically we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend
guess whohad a mad love making affair with her own husband last night?
Yay!!! we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend again an stay married but we did rush so we gonna return to b friend g friend
an be sickenly happy an go counsellin an move in in like a yr like regular people.. but stay married an we all in love an fuck every other
motherufcker who dont like it.. so me all happy!! me love me hubby.. he love me... fuck who no like it.. God is good!
so sinead got laid!!!
an all well.
yay!!! me husband is a big hairy cave man an came to claim me with his club : ) and now im in cave-land.. yay!! we both go panto!
In Sinead's defense, Barry most likely easied her difficult brown last night and the spasms from her culo veins shot up to her fingers leaving them numb. And she was stoned into another dimension. Both of those things are the signs of true true love.
Alexis Stewart has already stuffed her coin purse with wads of cash from throwing lukewarm shade at her mom Martha Stewart in that Whatever Martha radio show and now she's adding more zeros to her checking account by spilling more ESCANDALOSO (not really) secrets about her mother in a new tell-all memoir called Whateverland. One would think that living with Martha is like growing up in North Korea. Well, if North Korea had a Michael's. But it was worse!
Martha empties her piss bag with the door open! Martha lets her dogs do a poo thing all over her house! Martha made Alexis wrap her own Christmas presents! Seriously, I'm sure Christina Crawford is writing an open apology letter to Joan Crawford and thanking her not making her suffer through the kind of abuse that Alexis suffered from at the hand of Martha.
This is just some of the shit Alexis is whining about in her new book.
On how Martha was the original Tiger Mom: "Martha does everything better! You can't win! If I didn't do something perfectly, I had to do it again. I grew up with a glue gun pointed at my head."
On how Martha is a genius who put her brat daughter to work even during the holidays: "Martha was not interested in being kid-friendly. She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, 'Now wrap these but don't look inside.'"
On how Martha is like every other mother: "My mother has a sign on all of her doors to take your shoes off. For god's sake! My mother's dogs piss and shit on her rugs and she's telling people to take their shoes off?"
On how Martha's refrigerator had bread, butter and cheese in it but not already made grilled cheese sandwiches (this is what I'm getting from this mess of a quote): "There was never anything to eat at my house. Other people had food. I had no food ... There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind."
On how Martha peed freely: "[She] always peed with the door open. I remember saying, 'You know, now I have friends over! You can't do that anymore! It's gotta stop! My friends' parents don't do it! Give me a break here! I don’t feel like being embarrassed! It's exhausting! I'm a kid! Stop!'"
I've heard stories from people who have worked for Martha that make it sound like she's about as pleasant as fucking your pee hole with a hot glue gun, but Alexis really needs to come harder if she's going to come at all. This is nothing!
First of all, don't most abuelitas and mothers piss with the door open? How else are you going to see if the children are taking advantage of your pee situation by acting the fool? Closing the door when you pee is showing the children that you trust them which is a sign of weakness. They will use it against you! This is why they make brooms with extra-long handles. It isn't so you can clean the dust dingles from the ceiling. It's so you can beat the brats in the hallway while you piss with the door open!
Second of all, I would've loved it if my mom made me wrap my own Christmas presents. It would've saved me a lot of time and stress. I had to crawl through every closet and conduct some covert operations to find my Christmas presents. When (or if) I did find them, I had to wait for the perfect moment to drag them back to my bedroom. I'd secure the door with a chair under the knob and carefully remove the tape while trying not to tear the paper. If I got caught that present would go back. It was like trying to diffuse a bomb! My first pubic hair was a white one and I blame that on the stress caused by me trying to unwrap my Christmas gifts to see what I got. So if you ask me, Alexis had it too good.
Besides, doesn't Alexis know that her mom went to prison? You know what they do to snitches in prison. They make them sleep on 50-thread-count sheets when they come to visit their cell. The horror!
The former miserable bump on a bitch who could turn the world off with her snarl (I miss THAT MiserAlba) baptized her brand new shiny baby daughter Haven (above with Honor) into the tabloid kingdom by presenting her in front of Not OK! Magazine's cameras for a quick check. And during her talk about babies with OK, Jessica Alba just had to get into the details of why she and her husband Coins Warren gave their daughter the name they gave her. Warning: If you're eating shrimp wonton soup for lunch, and a shot of fish broth just hit the back of your throat after you bit into a wet dough bag, you might want to save this story for never.
"When I delivered Haven she was born still inside the amniotic sac, which is rare. The doctor had never seen anything like it before. He grabbed the nurse and said: 'Look at this!' I was in the middle of pushing and he told me to hold on a minute and not to push! He was wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt and said: 'Oh I have to get my scrubs on for this!' The sac burst on its own after she came out. It was a trip.
When I was in recovery we still hadn't chosen her name. Cash picked her up and said she came into the world in her 'safe haven' and it clicked right then for both of us."
Couldn't MiserAlba just lie to us and say that she named her baby friend after that SyFy show or that staring into the STAINS eyeballs of James Haven hypnotized her into going with that name. Honestly, Sac Burst would've been a better name than Haven.
via Digital Spy
If you ever get a promotional e-mail from a site called Netdix, you can send your complaints to Maggie Gyllenhaal for putting ideas into people's heads and other places. Maggie is out promoting Hysteria, that movie she did about the world's first vibrator, and says that while filming it several London sex toy stores sent her enough electro pussy ticklers to fill an episode of Whoarders (and a Scientology men's sauna). It was like Clitmas for her cooze!
Maggie tells The Cut (via Gothamist) that she has a selfless vagina and wants to gift all of her friends with nut busting goodness so she lends her vibrators out and they use them for months at a time. YES. Maggie shares her vibrators. Do they even make vibrator sanitizer? What about vibrator condoms? This pussy dust sharing nasty bitch!
"By the time I finished the movie I'd been sent maybe 15 vibrators by different people in London with vibrator stores. It was a pleasant surprise. So I have this incredible collection, and I actually use like one or two of them. I lend them to my friends, and they’ll take them for six months at a time. [While shooting Hysteria] I was sent a lot of vibrators from different sex stores in England while we were shooting the movie. I shared them around."
This mess of words did make me ewwwwwww from every body hole (Hazmat is on their way), but then I thought about it. I mean, I became blood brothers with my best friend when I was a kid. Isn't this sort of the same thing? If you're both surfing the red tide at the same time you had dirty silicone sex with the same vibrator, isn't that like a blood sisters ceremony? Or let me put it this way. Let's say you and your friend were both new kinds of drunk and a peen landed in front of you, would you lick it at the same time? You're a shameless whore slut so just say YES. Sharing vibrators is practically the same thing! It's like prolonged group sex for the lonely.
P.S. - If you ever get that e-mail from Netdix, forward it my way.
Lady Caca delivered a "Dr. Who villain meets The Who's Tommy meets Blair Witch" fuckery fashion parade during a Vanity Fair photo shoot on the streets of NYC yesterday and she accidentally slipped a slit like she didn't practice that shit in front of her trailer mirror for 2 hours. If you put your ear up to her little poonster, you will definitely hear it saying, "One...two...thwee (it has a lisp)...LOOKSHOCKED! One...two...thwee...SMILE!"
To once again quote Julie from Showgirls: "She wants to smile her snatch, she probably cut that string herself."
You might say that this is Caca's way of officially shutting down those gold-winning tuck game rumors with a pierced puss, but I'm still not convinced. When I (NSFW) zoom up really close, I see an extra-long and extra-skinny bi-colored peen head wearing a metal choker. I know, here I go again....