Beautifulest

The air in Camden was filled with the familiar aroma of foot cheese, lice guts and whiskey-infused mocos yesterday when Amy Wino hit her old snorting grounds. Even though Wino looked like a junked up Lolita who got a job as a donkey show emcee in Mexico to help fund her Special K habit, she was on her best behavior last night! Not one bitch lost their cheek and none of the hospitals in the area reported a zombification. BOOOOO!!!

The Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena, CA has announced that they are replacing Raphael's Madonna and Child with this picture of Cuban superstar Niurka Marcos and her son at the Univision Awards in Miami last night. Sorry, Mary, Jesus and Raphael, you'll have to find something else you're good at, because the changing of the guard has started right now!

I don't know shit about Niurka, but that doesn't matter. We don't need to exchange information. Words are cheap when you're faced with beauty that is this luxuriously expensive. Although, I think most of what she's wearing was bought using a payment plan. Whatever! All I need to know is that she (?) is perfection from the top of her (??) head to the remarkable anus of a transsexual angel on her belly to the wholesale rhinestones on her acrylic claws to the Casper's tail tattoo....and beyond.

It's as if Chyna crawled up into Daryl Hannah's vagina and took over her body. Niurka's son is the luckiest boy in the world, because he has a devoted mother that is teaching him about tasteful elegance at such a young age.

Shawn Chapman Holley ran out of different kinds of "bitch please" faces to make behind Lindsay Lohan's back, so she slipped a letter of resignation letter (which looked like this) under her door and never looked back. So LiLo traveled to the enchanted world of mythical wonderments to ask a Liberace centaur to fart a bubble out. When that bubble danced through the air, LiLo popped it and out dropped this gorgeous embodiment of all things magical! This is Stuart V. Goldberg (more like Stuart Very Orangeberg) and TMZ says he's LiLo's newest attorney!

Mr. Goldberg practices law in Chicago, but he jumped on the nearest rainbow and slid all the way to California to meet with LiLo. Apparently, Mr. Goldberg is going to represent LiLo in her appeal against Judge Marsha's sentence. LiLo now has a good chance (sarcasm) with Mr. Goldberg. dazzling the court for her. I mean.....

How can the court not be completely entranced by a man who looks like he should be singing showtunes on a lucite piano for dozens of Oompa Loompas in a lounge below the Willy Wonka factory? How can the court not want to run their fingers through Mr. Goldberg's luscious field of dried unicorn tears?

If Mr. Goldberg's fancy powder blue suit hasn't convinced you of his powers yet, then please do yourself a favor and skip into his website. Mr. Goldberg's website is where the Land of OZ goes for inspiration.

Here's a few more pictures of my newest dream lover along with pictures of LiLo and White Oprah caffeinating their delusions at Starbucks yesterday.

Now this is what a constipated Chucky Doll looks like after getting a discount makeover from a crackhead beautician with Tourettes at a Glamour Shots in the mini-mall, and it is so many layers of RIGHT!

Here's famed Rumpologist Jackie Stallone almost percolating her wig off at an event with her son Frank in Los Angeles last night. Jackie is giving herself the vapors! Even Jackie's exquistely applied lip liner is slowly weeping from being so close to her beauty. It knows that it's not worthy. Or maybe it's trying to slither away towards the nearest exit (NEVER!!!).

It's as if you covered one of Carrot Top's nutsacks with every product Oil of Olay has to offer! You can cancel church tomorrow, because you've already been graced with a higher power this weekend.

No, not Tom Sturridge or RPattz. The dandy dandelion in the middle who is making RPattz's magical follicles feel inadequate (Why do you think he's wearing a hat?) has been cast in the title role in Sony's reboot of the Spider-Man franchise. Sony announced last night that 26-year-old Andrew Garfield will stuff his bits into Tobey Maguire's old leotard for the next Spider-Man 3D movie, which will start playing in theaters on July 3, 2012. HA! Like we'll all be around then.

Sony reportedly broke up with Tobey and Kiki Dunst, because they didn't want to leave a giant stack of cash on their nightstands anymore. So Sony decided to put out a totally brand new set of Spider-Man movies with a cheaper cast led by the fancy lion up there. Marc Webb, the director of this shit, had this to say about Andrew:

"Though his name may be new to many, those who know this young actor's work understand his extraordinary talents. He has a rare combination of intelligence, wit, and humanity. Mark my words, you will love Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker."

Andrew's credits include The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, Lion for Lambs, Boy A and The Social Network.

Unfortunately for all of us, that picture of Andrew is kind of old so he no longer has a luscious mane that makes him look like a European hair dresser who drives a 1980s Ferrari convertible and sleeps on a waterbed covered with satin leopard print sheets.

That Spidey shit doesn't shoot until December so that gives Andrew enough time to grow his lush waterfall of hair out again, because the world needs a Spider-Man who looks like he just stepped out of a salon (salon glooooooow).

via Coming Soon

If the original Scream mask didn't get cast in the 4th movie and was forced to downsize by moving to a Louisiana trailer park community where it got a day job as a laundromat mistress and became the surrogate mother to dozens of stray cats, it would look just like Our Lady of Cheetos in the picture above. Here's the always beautiful trailer park blossom growling and raging at the paps as she made her way through a parking lot in Calabasas, CA yesterday.

Yes, I know Brit Brit looks like she's been punching at her weave and crying over the fact that they ran out of chocolate muffins in the cafeteria at the loony bin, but there's no need to ring the 5150 alarm just yet. Brit Brit is fine. It's the paps that need to step back. I mean, look at what's in Brit Brit's paws. A FRAPP! That's like coming at a mama bear when she's with her cubs. When you see Brit Brit with her favorite baby, you stand still, keep your eyes low and don't make any sudden moves. Oh, and you also hide all your beef jerky and bottles of orange soda in the trees.

The sexiest witness of Jehovah was honored at the BET Awards last night for giving us a lifetime full of pussy-popping hip shimmies and dramatic facial expressions that make all your lips pucker. Prince graciously expected his award while wearing a tunic from Lisa Frank's New Age collection with his own image on it. Only Prince (and Liza Minnelli....and the Golden Girls...and Steven Seagal) can get away with wearing a turtleneck with flared sleeves! Jehovah's Witness should make that ensemble their official uniform. That would make me open up the door when they come a knocking.

Prince's tribute also included a performance featuring Alicia Keys's pregnant ass crawling on a piano, Patti LaBelle kicking her shoe off and Trey Songz making doves commit suicide. You can watch it here, but the real entertainment was going on in the audience courtesy of Prince. This is what the purple unicorn thought of Trey Songz acts of butchery:

AND THIS is what he emoted while watching Alicia Keys. This is the part where we takes notes.

Prince is reinventing the side-eye by adding a coy lip quiver. Sorry, Gabourey Sidibe, but the word "precious" is going back to Prince thanks to this move. The dude behind Prince knows what I'm talking about.

SHAME ON the Dearborn Police Department for preying on these INNOCENT (their exquisite eyebrows tell me so) beauties. I do understand that the police wanted to capture their rare form of gorgeousness on camera, but there was no need to charge with robbing some burger joint! The police department want to lock up their beauty and keep it all to themselves. This is some Rapunzel shit!

When is our government going to pass The Stephen Excuse My Beauty Bill which would protect goddesses like this from being wrongly accused of shit just because they're beautiful? I'm being serious!

via Click On Detroit (Thanks wndrwm)

Not since Celie and Nettie embraced after 40 years apart while Miss Sophia looked on through her one working eye has a reunion softly caressed my no-heart and made me a little moist in the sockets. Detective La Toya Jackson took a break from starring in Michael Jackson tributes from here to Eyjafjallajokul to reunite with Bubbles the chimp in front of Animal Planet's cameras.

In a special on the life of Bubbles airing tomorrow night, La Toya travels all the way to Bubbles' new cage to see his face again after 20-something years and give him a pit bath with a garden hose.

La Toya also sits next to Bubbles' cage and cries hot tears of whatever the fuck she injects into her face while he thinks to himself, "Who the fuck is this?" You can't blame Bubbles for not giving a shit, because the last time he saw La Toya she didn't have a face like an E.T. action figure. But I'm still standing next to them in spirit crying, "This is the day of my dream!" That it is!

Clip of Bubbles and La Toya's reunion below:

via Entertainment Tonight

Tommy Girl will drop to his knees at the whisper of a zipper heading down south, yet he can't fall a few centimeters to the floor to properly pay tribute to the ageless dusty Spanish rose that is La Duquesa de Alba! The same goes for that clown-faced Cameron Diaz!

Duchess de Alba did not beam down all the way from her summer casa on Qo'noS to be disrespected like this! Look at Tommy and Cameron smiling like they are one of her. Delusional assholes! If Duchess de Alba took shits (there's not a drop of waste in her), she would shit out prettier nuggets than Tommy and Cameron combined! This just confirms that Cameron and Tommy are the opposite of human, because any mere mortal instantly gets faint when they breathe in the blessed air dancing around Duchess de Alba's ethereal curly field of the dried tears of a million virgin angels. Cameron and Tommy are both guilty of treason and I hereby sentence them to a life without COCK.

While I write up their sentence on a scroll with a silver peen, curtsy while clicking through pictures of Spain's most exquisite and rarest gem. I also threw in a few pictures of Stepford Katie just in case Duchess de Alba's sheer beauty is too much for you to handle. Stepford Katie and Tommy Girl's public displays of fakeness will bring you back down.