Beautifulest

Bollywood star Aishwarya Rai has been described as the most gorgeous woman in the world by people who obviously have never felt their retinas curl from the sheer shock of Shauna Sand's natural beauty. But when a picture of a fuller Aishwarya Rai, taken six months after she gave birth, made the rounds, some dim-brained shit bags told her to get out of the kitchen and get back on the treadmill! According to them, it's her job as a Bollywood star to be skinny at all times...like Posh! Yeah, those bitches completely lost me when they compared Aishwarya Rai, a human being, to Posh, an alien amphibian who loses her 4 pounds of baby weight by shedding her skin on the plastic surgeon's table while nurses from NASA suck tiny particles of fat from her gills with Dyson wet vacs. That seems unfair, but that's probably just me.

At AmfAR's Cinema Against AIDS gala in Cannes last night, Aishwarya Rai made her first red carpet appearance since dumb fucks called her fat and ugly, and guess what? She still looked hot. To me, Aishwarya Rai would still be gorgeous even if she had 50 extra pounds on her body and those 50 extra pounds were from wearing a floor length coat made of hideous glove shoes, boots made from Kardashian taint hair, three extra chins covered with UGGs fur, a CROCs top hat and a beaver backpack with Chris Brown's face on it. I know, I went too far with whole "Chris Brown backpack" thing.

I'd never buy a hot dog with extra sauerkraut or extra cheese from Catherine Scalia, but I still count her as one of my newest idols and watch the clip above from MyFoxNY if you want to know way. The former HSOTD and the hot dog water-covered pride of Long Island was put into handcuffs last week after an undercover cop claims that she sold him a hot dog, a lap dance and tried to sell him a John Travolta special (aka a handjob). Miss Catherine was released from jail and celebrated her return to the wild by flashing her all-natural, hormone-free ball park beef boobies at the cameras.

One of Catherine's sons told The Post that she served 4 years in prison for selling her ass on the stroll, but she swears that she's the Hot Dog Stripper and not the Hot Dog Hooker. The Hot Dog Stripper will plead innocent to the prostitution charge and she also plans to keep baring her nipples for a $1 in her hot dog truck.

Oh, Hot Dog Stripper, keep hot doggin' and keep ho'in! I can't wait until Lifetime eventually does the Hot Dog Stripper movie starring Lindsay Lohan or Sue Hawk.

This might come as a shock to you, but the finest rose in England wasn't totally sculpted by the hand of Mother Nature out of organic materials. The scalpel of a surgeon and a Hoover Dam's worth of silicone was used to elevate Jodie Marsh's beauty to goddess-like levels. But if Jodie could do it all over again, she'd keep her natural beauty intact and would never allow her chichis to be touched by a back alley plastic surgeon who obviously got off from overflowing water balloons as a child.

Jodie told the prestigious British medical journal Heat Magazine (via The Sun) that a week after she got two bowling ball bags full of cooking gel fuel stuffed into her chest, her world became a horror show as her new implants tried to free themselves of her body. Jodie is sharing her story four years later, because she needs a check she wants all women out there to know that if you fill your body with implants that are bigger than your head, you could end up with a scar that looks like the face of Mickey Rourke.

"When I woke up, they were so swollen. The first dressing was taken off after a week or so - that's when I saw that I wasn't healing. As the stitches started popping out of my skin, there was no skin to hold the incision together. My boobs looked like they were exploding. It was so painful. There was green pus coming out of my boobs and they constantly bled.

I had to change the dressings every day and was in such discomfort I couldn't work - I basically sat at home depressed for a year. I wish I'd never had them done. People should realise that every boob job has the potential to become a horror story."

Jodie doesn't think her gigantic plastic boob domes look good with her new He-Man muscle body, but she's not going to go under the knife again out of fear that she'll have to suffer through a sequel to Nightmare on My Titties.

You can't spell Jodie Marsh without p-e-r-f-e-c-t. No, really, try it. Type out p-e-r-f-e-c-t without the spaces and your system (or whatever) will autocorrect it to "Jodie Marsh." So Jodie doesn't need to change anything about herself, she's Jodie Marsh (DAMN autocorrect) just the way she is. Besides, nobody really notices Jodie's huge tits, because we're all transfixed by the Museum of Modern Clip Art running down her arm.

The only time the UK Department of Public Health allows that piece of trash Peaches Geldof into public movie theaters is when the filthy street rats overtake the concession stand and only a diseased gutter snake like her can scare them away. So it must of been a very special occasion for them to let Peaches into London's Odeon Cinema for the premiere of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo last night and it was. The organizers of last night's premiere knew their red carpet needed some greasy beauty that only Peaches' newest fiancé Thomas Cohen can provide.

Thomas is that ho who put coolots back on the fashion map last August when he strolled around with Peaches while looking like the kind of Asian girl Woody Allen would like to marry. And yeah, now he's about to partake in a pre-divorce ceremony with Peaches, but you know that shit isn't going to last. Thomas is going to pull out as soon as he comes down from the hallucinations a bitch gets after drinking up the fermented syrup that seeps out of Peaches' pores. So we should take in Thomas' beauty while we still can.

Also at last night's Dragon Tattoo premiere was anti-Kardashian activist Daniel Craig and some runaway Vulcan bride.

Thanks to trendsetter Lindsay Lohan, teeth covered in gum diarrhea are the must-have beauty staple amongst Hollywood's most stunning beauties. At last night's NYC premiere of We Bought A Zoo (which is also the exact line an E! executive said to their staff after they picked up Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians), ScarJo accessorized her dick cheese grill with fruit bowl hair, your nana's favorite rhinestone holiday earrings and a dress that I swear I saw hanging out of a cardboard box in front of the Salvation Army near my apartment.

I have to thank ScarJo for breaking out of the bright white chiclets mold that society expects all of us to fit into. ScarJo is chewing through a ball of dick cheese to get to natural beauty and we should thank her for this. I mean, real people have nicotine smegma on their teefs. They don't have blinding ass white cartoon teeth. Since carrot teeth are officially in, I can stop with the whitening toothpaste, the whitening mouthwash and those dark-sided Crest White Strips. Crest White Strips are a tool from Hell and I swear they're made from the jizz of Satan. Whenever I pull those evil things off my teeth, it feels like I just nibbled on an aluminum foil asshole before getting squirted in the mouth with Clorox. But those days are behind us now that dirty butt teeth are so now!

Here's more pictures from last night's premiere including some of Matt Damon with his wife, Elle Fanning, some other childrens, Sylvia Miles and Parker Posey. On a different note, who the hell is going to see this shit?! Why would I watch ScarJo and Matt Damon fall in love in front of a bunch of animals who cannot maul those boring bitches since they're trapped in cages? That's torture.

The In the Land of Blood and Honey had its premiere in NYC last night and just when I was about to type that all these events are solely set up so that St. Angie can show off her vast collection of funeral dresses previously worn by a Golden Girl, the breath from my fingertips was taken by this parbaked meteor of LIPS, BROWS, CORNEAS and HAIRLINE!! crashing onto my screen. James Haven took a break from playing evil tricks on the LazyTown kids, to bring his girlfriend (???) to his lesser than sister's premiere last night. Yes, Mr. & Mrs. Pitt were also there last night (Mr. Pitt is as excited about this movie as I am), but who cares about them when we have James Haven!

James Haven looks like the kind of freak who has been banned from every library for shutting the books on his dick in the aisles. James always has an expression on his face like his peen is in the process of getting smashed (and he doesn't mind it at all) or he just got caught sniffing your armpits while you were taking a nap. We need more of him in this world.

In other highly important news, after weeks of walking by Supercuts' "$15 for a wash & blow" sign, Brad Pitt FINALLY took them up on their offer.

It's been 51 days since my last post about Jodie "The Body" Marsh and that's 51 days too many without gazing at her pinched penis nose and her "fried not baked" ripple tits. The angel of the globe brought her beauty to the The Global Angel Awards in London last night and showed everyone what a Claymation Jenna Jameson would look like if it was beat in the face with a Claymation Sandra Bullock. The answer is the definition of natural gorgeousness.

Jodie sets the beauty trends (OBVIOUSLY!), so soon we'll all be visiting our Craigslist plastic surgeons to give us a melted spade nose and chichis that look like silicone sacks are trying to hatch out of them. If Shrunken Head Guy from Beetlejuice got a makeover on The Swan, this is what it would look like. I swear, Jodie's nose looks like a game of Jenga. I could just scream JENGA!!! at it over and over again while swatting at the hair curtain covering half of her face. Absolute perfection.

The noun "glamour" and the name "JLo" go together like Skeletor and solid foods, but Glamour Magazine still defied logic by naming her as one of their Women of the Year in some ceremony at Carnegie Hall in NYC last night. They gave her an ugly trophy that looks like a Target logo orgy and asked her to pose with the Claymation goddess who designed the dress she wore last night. WRONG MOVE.

On her own, JLo mugs the camera like the lens is an extra hung Q-tip and she's a Botoxed Siamese cat in heat. But when you put JLo next to the exquisitely crafted Donatella Versace, her face falls into a state of natural demureness. Bitch looks so "made from the earth" next to Donatella. And we all know that natural is out for 2011! So JLo needs to follow the exit signs and let the glorious Candy Kong Muppet take in all the camera clicks.

JLo also needs to hand Donatella that trophy, because glamour IS a woman who is put together with Silly Putty and whose jowls tells us that she mines for diamonds with her mouth on the weekends. Fall back, JLo! Actually, JLo probably did fall back when she let go of Donatella and down came that bobble head toward her.

Duchess Kate is ripping out whatever hair is left on her husband's head this morning, because her reign as the most famous royal bride of the year came to a crashing end as soon as the mummified Rhea Perlman who was brought back to life with an air kiss from Voldemort floated above a dirt aisle at her wedding in Sevilla, Spain today. Fuck your life, Kate, because today the Duchess of Alba got all the points by wearing a stunning gown made by Chico himself using her crib skirt from the turn-of-the-century and the green ribbon she snatched out of Luke's hand right before she turned him into a mouse. The Duchess of Alba's guests would've gasped but they were told to keep their mouths closed for the entire ceremony, because there was a good chance she would've transformed into a funnel of smoke and entered their body to eat their souls from the inside/out.

HOLA! Magazine is pleased to report that 85-year-old (suck in your eyeballs for 5 seconds.... and release)

María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay

became (suck in your eyeballs for 6 seconds.... and release)

María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay Diez

today when she married her 61-year-old commoner love toy Alfonso Diez at one of her castles in Spain in front of almost all of her six ungrateful children (her ungrateful bitch of a daughter came down with chickenpox so she couldn't make it). These are the same ungrateful bitch children who would not bless the Duchess of Alba's marriage until she gave them all of her billion dollar fortune to prove to them that Alfonso was not marrying her for money. Alfonso was obviously marrying the glorious duchess, because when the rapture comes next year the great swarm of locusts will not come near him if he's standing behind their queen! But those dumb children did not know this.

Alfonso, who is now known as the Duke of Alba, already signed away any right to the House of Alba should his beautiful love affair with the duchess end. But for now, the Duchess of Alba kicked off her sensible Easy Spirit flats and danced in the streets to celebrate the gods accepting her love with Alfonso. Did that bland bitch Kate Middleton do that? I think not.

Congratulations to the most regal dandelion in the royal garden and allow me to end this post with these words for the duchess:

De mayo de Alfonso Diez suavemente la joroba del brillante polvo zombie de por eternidades, o hasta que la tierra Klingons en la tierra para volver a su planeta de origen. A ustedes, mis BELLEZA! Ahora, conseguir que los jóvenes polla!

And in case you're not fluent in Google Español :

May Alfonso Diez gently hump the sparkly zombie dust out of you for eternities to come or until the Klingons land on earth to take you back to your home planet. TO YOU, MY BEAUTY! Now, get that young dick!

As soon as your eyes finish salivating from staring at Jodie Marsh's Helen Grace chocolate egg titties, give her the clap (Not THAT clap! She already has that one. The other clap. The one you give her with your hands. Oh! You know what my ass means!) for leaving her first bodybuilding competition triumphant. 16 months ago the most beautiful woman in the world, who has been everything from a ten-second lesbian to a tattoo artiste, started training with Tim Sharp to become a bodybuilding goddess superstar and here she is at her first competition looking as glisteningly gorgeous as a hard shit out of a snake's ass in the Garden of Eden.

Jodie came in first second third fourth fifth place in the beauties of the septic tank division and tells The Sun that she owes it all to intense training and trading her usual diet of champagne and cum balls for egg whites and whole wheat toast.

"This is the best I've ever felt — and the best my body's ever felt. In 50 days I have gone from 25 per cent body fat to ten per cent, gained 8lb of muscle and lost 20lb of fat."

Of course, Jodie's road to getting a body like Kellan Lutz's nipple was shot for a reality show that will air in the UK this January. Yes, the sight of Jodie brings back painful memories of when I ruined my sister's Barbie doll by ripping its head off to try to shove it over my He-Man figure (both of them were never the same again), but even I have to admit that England's finest rose has never looked more exquisite. Well, tits that look like burnt ham and bodies that look straight out of a Panda Express tin are two of my favorite things!