Beautifulest

Amy Wino got shot up in London tonight, but not with the stuff the kind of stuff that makes you run through the streets nekkid screaming "Blaaaaaaake." No, Wino decided to get injected with a legal substance this time around. Wino now has a luscious pair of swollen labia lips on her mouth to go with her new DDD crack rocks.

Wino's transformation into one of England's most pristine and fresh spring flowers is almost complete. Once she trades in her ballet slippers in for a pair of exquisite lucite heels, and her crackhive in for a free clinic punch card, she'll be ready to become Chapter President of the Empress of Lucite club. Yes, Wino is on her way. Our little Crackie is growing up. I am so proud.

Courtney Love must be sick of ventriloquists randomly sticking their fists up her ass to get her to speak, because she has vowed that she will never put her parts under the knife again. Courtney told The Sun that she was scared straight after staring at the luminous face of Jocelyn Wildenstein!

Courtney said, "I could do with another boob lift, but no way. I don't want to end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. She looked freaky."

EXCUSE HER BEAUTY! This just confirms that Courtney Love is just like that crackhead leprechaun of Alabama: on the wrong stuff! Who wouldn't want the face of a hemorrhoid in mid-squeeze? I mean, Jocelyn's beauty is so scorchingly hot that her face singes her own eyebrows (example above).

The Empress of Lucite is pure of heart so she doesn't notice her so-called friend attacking her with a vicious side-eye. Shauna's friend obviously doesn't know that throwing a shank eye towards the Patron Saint of Elegance has serious consequences. Not only will a pair of exquisite lucite heels refuse to ever touch your feet, but there's a good chance your eyes will stay that way. Imagine having a permanent case of side-eye?! You wouldn't ever be able to look at a peen while you're sucking on it. That would be terrible.

Here's Shauna gliding through the streets of Hollywood last night. Fun fact: Shauna's necklace was brought to her by the angels who told her it was a gift from Coco Chanel herself. When Coco first laid eyes upon Shauna, she was so touched by her beauty that she cried a million tears which created this necklace. Truth!

Here's British socialite Tara Palmer-Tomkinson at an anniversary party for Tatler magazine last night with her titlers out. Yes, Tara looks like Mr. Burns going to a costume party as Kelly Bensimon, but I'm all for showing your nipples, so this works! You know how some bitches say if you've got, flaunt it? Well, I say even if you haven't got it, flaunt it!

Tara better stop threatening me with a good time, because she's about to become my favorite elegant rose of England (I don't mean that, Jodie).

This is how you should dress to ALL events. When you aren't sure what to wear, wear almost nothing! Nipples aren't only meant to be nibbled on in the middle of the morning, they are also meant to be shown off to the public. Keep on, Tara, keep on.

There's really no better way to start my morning than with a visit with the Cleopatara (Queen of DeBile) of our time: Jocelyn Wildenstein. Last night, I was wondering why all the alley cats in my neighborhood were clawing their own eyes out and throwing themselves in front of incoming traffic. I figured Parasite Hilton queefed again. But no, they were mad with hysteria because their QUEEN is in town!

Jocelyn and her main pussy plumper Lloyd Klein hit the streets of NYC last night. And I'm sure dozens of bystanders hit the sidewalk when Jocelyn flashed her rock hard chest nalgas and her gorgeous "bee sting victim" face. Jocelyn's beauty is so intensely hot that she burned half of her own eyebrows off!

I am forever on the look-out for elegant creatures of the famous and non-famous variety, so my soul jumped out of my body and got into the "worship position" when a reader sent in these pictures of a beauty who is doing everything RIGHT! This takes effort, so we need to praise her accordingly.

This is complete perfection from the pristine Sharpie brows, to the "TAKE THAT, Kate Gosselin" frosted flakes mullet, to the Trompe-l'oeil t-shirt that looks like it sashayed off the Paris runways before finally resting on her chest.... This is how you present yourself to the outside world! We should all grab on to her mullet of splendor as she takes us higher and higher!

I know you don't even see RiRi in this picture, because your eyes are firmly planted on the ravishing beauty in the middle. This goddess' beauty is so bright that RiRi has to put her shades on and look the other way. But RiRi should really face the brightness and take a good look, because this is how it's done.

Everything is perfect on this beauty from her "take me higher" eyebrows to her titty bib to the sparkly sperm (RPattz?) under her eyes. She's like Posh and Sporty Spice for the price of one. Ladies and gays, if you see this celestial being at a party, go ahead and leave, because you cannot compete!

To help you bring your heart rate back down from staring at perfection, I've added some more pictures of RiRi at her publicists' birthday party and also leaving Barney's earlier in the night.

All eyes and camera lenses were on St. Angie at last night's Inglourious Basterds premiere, but all peens were on the truly ravishing Bollywood flower known as Mallika Sherawat. Copy and paste that name into your brain, because this elegant goddess is going far!

Mallika showed that low-budget trollop St. Angie how it's really done when she sashayed on the red carpet wearing a truly gorgeous gown from Frederick's of Hollywood's Black Label Collection. You know, Noah Cyrus is madder than fish grease over this shit! Frederick's promised her that she'd be the first one to wear this stunning creation at her 10th birthday party. Sorry, Noah, but Mallika's got this. AND HOW!

Every driver in the background should be arrested at once! Why aren't they on the pavement, worshiping at Mallika's feet? Or they should at least be throwing dollar bills at her ass. Disrespectful! These days, bitches don't know how to treat a goddess.

I saw this picture of TwiMoms at Comic-Con over at Jezebel and was immediately drawn to the blonde bombshell in her Cache best all the way to the left. Dixie (let's call her that) not only looks like a TwiMom, but she also looks like a WhiteWineSpritzerAtNooni-Mom. If this is what most TwiMoms look like, hand me a fake blood pen and tell me where to sign! I bet Dixie makes a killer and highly potent Magical Forest Margarita.

Below is a clip from Comic-Con of the TwiHards blowing up into a panty pudding fountain while watching a couple of scenes from New Moon. Dixie wasn't there, because she was too busy fighting with the concession boy outside. The concession boy just didn't get it when Dixie told him to only fill her Coke halfway, because she needs to fill the rest with her "medicine."

After this picture was taken, a single drop fell from the sky and splashed on the lid of that chola beauty's McDonald's iced coffee (con leche). It was Michael Jackson shedding a tear from heaven, because he was so moved by these exquisite eyebrows. I'd like to think that Michael cared about eyebrows as much as I do. They're important!

(Thanks Yasmine)