Jodie Marsh

England's finest rose Jodie Marsh put down her fancy tea cup, patted the ends of her mouth with a crisp white napkin and commented on Katie Price's life to the esteemed magazine Zoo (via Metro). And since Jodie is a refined lady who curtsies when she pees, she was as polite as polite can be when speaking about Harvey's mother. It's like Queen Elizabeth herself spoke these words:

"What does Jordan do on a horse? Dressage. Trots around, that's all she does. She doesn't jump. She doesn't do fuck all. She just sits on it, poses and pouts. I started horse riding again recently and I haven't ridden since I was 14. So I've got on it after 17 years, and it's a beast. I cantered him, galloped him and got over proper jumps."

Jodie is talking about actual horses, right? Of the SJP variety? Because I was pretty entertained thinking about Katie Price dressing up a dick in satin and parading it around the room while puckering up her lips. Although, she probably does that with Roxanne.

Jodie didn't end there, she crossed her ankles and demurely placed her hands in her lap before going on about Katie's skills on the fuck mattress, “She's not good in bed – she doesn't know what she's doing. She's as cold as ice, she's got hardly any friends and she's thick as shit! I think anyone who wants to be with Jordan is a bit weird in the first place."

You know, I wasn't sure until I read this interview with Jodie, but now I can say with confidence that we have found this generation's Emily Post!

P.S - Real talk. I think Jodie is just a bit jealous because Roxanne didn't let her lick on his tuck.

England's premiere pristine lady, Jodie Marsh, says she has turned into a bodybuilder. This is kind of the like the time she turned lesbian for a quick minute, but instead of lifting clits with her tongue, she's lifting weights with her hands. Jodie tells New! Magazine that she was getting too soft and she wanted her body to match her rock hard tittays, so she hit started hitting the gym 6 times a week.

You know, she could've lost some of the "softness" by cutting down on fatty jizz. This is what I was told anyway. One time, a smart ass bitch told me to stop eating so much sperm after I complained that my stomach had a serious case of the softs. And ruin my social life? Eff that! I'd rather have a jiggly stomach than a tarnished image! Anyway.....

After just six months of working out, Jodie says she has gone from a size 12 to a size 6. And she isn't stopping there! Jodie will continue to work out in hopes that she'll be able to compete on the bodybuilder circuit, "I've still got loads to go. I might do a bodybuilder competition in August."

Maybe she meant she's going to do all the contestants in a bodybuilder competition, because I'm not convinced Jodie wants to look like Vadge's roidy-clit.

And I know you're probably sick with worry that one day Jodie will crush her fantastic chichis by dropping a barbel on them, but do not fret! Jodie's titties can't take it since I'm sure she regularly injects liquid concrete into them. She has always admired the breasts of stone statues.

Jodie Marsh, the pristine beauty with a vagina that smells like fresh English roses on a Spring morning, has magically turned back into a heterosexual after "turning lesbian" a few months ago. You know, I think Jodie has always been a fucksexual. Meaning, she will fuck anything: dudes, chicks, back alley rodents, Fanta bottles, discarded turkeyburger meat, futons, sporks, Beta S cartridges, Babybel cheese and (insert everything that exists in the world today here). Jodie is an equal-opportunity fucker. She has a lot of love (and coochie diseases) to give! This is why I will always adore her. I would share a pot of tea and a dick with her anytime.

Here's Jodie with her new piece Ryan Fleming at the opening of some free clinic or whorehouse in Ireland last night. Jodie is looking demure as ever in a sophisticated ensemble that I believe Queen Elizabeth wore to her birthday ball a few days ago. Extreme elegance ahead. Proceed with caution.

You might have gone temporarily blind from the jolt of pure elegance that hit you when you first laid eyes on these pictures of the always stunning Jodie Marsh celebrating her 30th birthday on the streets of London last night. Shake it off and take in the natural beauty. Don't take it in too much or you might be spending your Christmas Eve in line at the free clinic.

As with everything Jodie does, her party was a sophisticated and elegant soiree. The theme was Rock 'N Roll and I think Jodie came as a new kind of jungle STD that only grows in Dreamboat Doherty's dick bush. I'm lying and making hurtful jokes!!! Jodie dressed as a fine lady. A lady so fine that her nipples are made of diamonds and gold.

When Jodie "turns straight" again, Prince William should really consider making England's finest rose his wife. Jodie obviously needs to be the Queen of England. Only a graceful and exquisite beauty like Jodie can properly wear the crown of England.

Here's more pictures of the Shauna Sand of England with her girlfriend Nina (dressed as Slash) last night.

England's most precious rose and the newest member of the Fauxmosexual Club was terrorizing the streets of London the other night with her skunky girlfriend Nina. Jodie stopped to infect a wee little orange man on the street. Actually, maybe Jodie didn't run into him on the street. Maybe he fell out of her cooze. He does have a look on his face like he's just seen death.

And Jodie was wearing pants earlier in the night, but like all things that get too close to her war zone snatch, they quit that bitch. Even the crabs don't come around much anymore!

Jodie Marsh is really taking this whole fauxmosexual thing seriously! England's crustiest meat pie "turned lesbian" last month and I figured she would be back on the dick faster than we could say "curdled vag jelly." Well, I guess this must be true love, because Jodie is still sharing her ass fleas with Nina.

The two lovewarts were out in London last night, being gross, kissing in cabs and making the street rats run for cover. Even Jacko's tattoo doesn't want to be a part of this fuckery!

Here's a few more of Pepé Le Pew and Penelope Pussycat gone wrong tramping around the streets.

Damn. I always knew Jodie Marsh's vagina had a life of its own, but I didn't know it could wave and flip off the paps. This fine lady has talents nobody knows about. I'm sure her asshole can tap dance like a motherfucker.

England's shiniest pearl was making her country proud last night by showing off her ladylike manners. She really should open a charm school, so that all little girls can master the art of class and elegance. She can also teach them about the finer things in life like McDonald's.

Jodie, who recently "turned lesbian," recently had an N shaved into the side of her head. She says the N is dedicated to her girlfriend Nina, but I'm not buying that. The health commission passed some kind of law forcing Jodie to do that. The N stands for "No, don't even think of getting near this skeezer unless you want to catch some dreadful jungle disease."

Before driving off with her lady love, Jodie told the pappies, "We're going back to mine for an orgy..no guys allowed!" And I'm sure 200 new STDs were born from that orgy.

England's purest beauty Jodie Marsh has recently "turned lesbian" and now she's looking for some jizz donors so that she can have a baby. Fuck. Hasn't her punane been through enough? Stick a fork in it, it's done. Actually, she's probably already done that a few times to get "the feeling back."

Jodie made her plea for sperm on Tim Shaw's Absolute Radio radio show. The sign is completely unnecessary and a total waste of a good Sharpie. Everyone I know, takes one look at Jodie and the first thing that comes into their head is, "what a skanky looking sperm bank." So basically, the sign is not needed. Besides, couldn't she just sneeze some baby batter out? She can probably queef out a sourdough bowl filled with piping hot man chowder. That said, I adore her and would gladly give her some sperm, but a Michael K and Jodie Marsh baby would be the last sign of the apocalypse. I'm just not ready for the party to end.

Here's a few more pictures of Jodie kissing her lesbian lover, violating a banana and also promoting the "Bring Your Own Mug" campaign at Starbucks. No, that's not whipped cream on her nose. Remember when I said that she sneezes out jizz. Well.....

The elegant British flower known as Jodie Marsh has pulled a HoHan and is now playing clit hockey with another chick. 29-year-old (yes, in human years) Jodie says she's known Nina for around 12 years. Nina is Jodie's hairdresser and they've been scissoring for a couple of weeks now.

Jodie tells Now Magazine, "I've had loads of shit men. I can see why women turn lesbian, because you get to the point where you're sick of hearing so much fucking bullshit, so you start to look elsewhere. Nina's really sexy. She asked me out and we've been on a few dates. I think she's a cool girl. I love the way she kisses and she doesn't fuck me about. I feel comfortable with her. Nina's as sexy as any man."

I think Jodie was misquoted when she said she's had "loads of shit men." She really meant that she's been shit on by loads of men. Just wanted to clear that up.

This kind of thing happens to all sluts. Jodie has probably fucked (and infected) 95% of the men in the UK, so now she has to "turn lesbian" if she wants to get her pure oyster eaten. By the time she's effed her way through 95% of the gayelles in the UK, a new batch of dicks will be available for her.

Thanks Cindi

The other day, Wonky McValtrex was out working the stroll looking like a grimey used condom left in the gutter for the water roaches to pick at. Last night in London, Jodie Marsh wore something similar except she looked like a stunning black pearl floating in the golden sea. Jodie has more elegance in one of her pussy pimples than Wonky has in her whole entire body.

It looks like Jodie might have gotten a few new tattoos? Oh wait. I shouldn't call them tattoo when referring to Jodie. I should call them exquisite pieces of body art. I think one of them is a portrait of Buddy Holly. Buddy must be crying from heaven...because he's so proud that such a fine creature has paid homage to him.

Here's a few more of the always demure Jodie leaving a London club after getting a train ran on her in the bathroom last night. I could lay on her memory foam chichis for the rest of my days.