Pepaws

The hottest coochie coochie in the business was out with her husband in Hollywood last night. They were walking around some parking lot. I think that's how a lot of old folks spend their time. They dance around in parking lots, talking to strangers.

Charo is legend and I would ride down the rainbows that come pouring out of her chocha, but why did she wear those shoes with that top?! The better question is: "Why do I give a donkey's dong?!"

And her husband is basically over it. He looks like he's ready for an oatmeal bath and a warm beer. Over it. He's thinking, "If I have to hear her say 'coochie coochie' one more fucking time...."

P.S. - Yes, it is a very slooooooooowwww day.

What did John Lithgow wear to rehearsal today? You know, he is the star of that play Stepford Katie is in. I've been posting pictures of her tattered robot ass every day, so I thought I'd give John a bit of attention. He sort of looks like Santey Claus on summer vacation in Florida. He's so cheery! I bet John always has peppermint sticks on him and giggles like an Elmo doll when you poke his belly.

And because I have to, here's some pictures of the weepy robot shuffling into rehearsal wearing Tommy Girl's Sunday afternoon dustin' dress!

Last week, Donald Trump's wrinkly ass announced to the world that he was going to save Ed McMahon's pepaw kingdom by buying it and leasing it back to him. Ed was only days of away from losing his house. Well, as usual, Donald was talking out of his toupee. Somebody did buy Ed's house but it wasn't Donald. Ed's realtor told TMZ that Donald was outbid by a private buyer. Donald didn't even bother submitting another bid.

The private buyer placed the offer after Donald already got all the attention. The Donald issued this statement: "Blah...Blah...Blah...Rosie is a fat slob."

No, he said: "The other buyer has signed a purchase agreement....subject to many contingencies including but not limited to a mortgage contingency. Mr. Trump clearly would not need a mortgage and would be capable of closing this transaction immediately. If the other buyer should be successful in this bid, Mr. Trump truly hopes that they do the right thing by Ed McMahon and not have this 85-year-old American icon removed from the property."

According to The Associated Press, Ed will have to move out of the house, because the buyer plans to live there. Watch out Shady Pines! Here comes Ed!

Donald Trump should have kept his dehydrated worm lips shut until after the deal closed. But of course he wanted to bask in the glory of saving one of America's beloved pepaws! And Pepaw Ed needs to shred his wifey's credit cards and then send the bitch to Suze Orman.

It looks like there's a new feud and this one should be sponsored by Celebrex and Ben-Gay. Last week, Roseanne called Jon Voight "a frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu, who acts like Obama just wandered in from the rain forest with a bone thru his nose and a communist pamphlet in his loincloth." She also called Saint Angelina his "evil spawn." Among other things.

Jon Voight sat down at his typewriter to respond to Rosie's rant. You know the pepaw chipmunk doesn't own a computer! He probably sent his response via Pony Express. Here's the statement he issued to ExtraTV:

We can never be surprised at what vile evil comes from the mouth of a confessed victim of child abuse at the hands of her own parents.

Her parents responded to the accusations by going on the air and stating she is a psychopathic liar and her sister agreed.

Her defaming of our National Anthem in 1990 gave us insight into who she is and what she is capable of saying and doing.

My allegiance to Senator McCain becomes stronger with any assault that tries to deter my loyalty to him.

I can only pray that good people see her for what she is (sick of mind)

Vile evil? Sick of mind? Defaming our National Anthem? Flattery will get him everywhere! Seriously, Roseanne is just speaking her "sick mind." I'm Team Sick Of Mind. You can call us Team Vile Evil on the weekends.

Jon needs to stick his dentures in a cup of lukewarm water, sit in the corner and finish his porridge like a good pepaw.

That being said, there's still only one way to settle this. You know what I'm going to say! CAGE FIGHT! A cage fight in a pool of Metamucil! Jon can even wear his "pink ballet tutu." Such a pretty pepaw chipmunk!

The patron saint of self-promotion, Donald Trump, has saved the fucking day. Trump will buy Ed McMahon's pepaw kingdom, saving it from foreclosure. Trump will then lease it back to the pepaw, so that Ed and his wifey can continue to live there. Trump better clean off his trophy shelf, there's a Nobel Peace Prize coming his way.

Trump told The Los Angeles Times, ""When I was at the Wharton School of Business. I'd watch him every night. How could this happen? I don't know the man, but I grew up watching him on TV."

Pepaw Ed's house was listed at $4.6 million this past weekend. He's $640,000 behind on a $4.8 million loan. It's not known how much Saint Trump paid for the house.

Do you think Ed knows about Trump's plans to rename his house "Rosie O'Donnell is a Fat Slob Manor"?

Legendary pepaw Ernest Borgnine was on Fox & Friends and they asked him what's his secret to looking so young. He giggled a little and then whispered it to the dude next to him. It was a whisper we all heard.

Ernest softly said, "I masturbate a lot." Great. Just what I needed. The sexy image of Pepaw Ernest rubbing on his shriveled turtle head while watching "Murder She Wrote." Do you think he cums dust?

VIA KISS Nation

Page Six reports that 80-year-old pepaw Adam West might join the next cast of "Dancing with the Has-Beens." A source said, "Adam is in outstanding shape. He works out an hour a day and walks with his big dog on his farm in Sun Valley, Idaho." Walks with big dog on farm? Is that code for something I should know about? It sounds sort of sexy.

Adam's rep would not say that nothing is definite. The entire cast will be announced on August 25th. Just add the OG Batman to the long list of skanks who are rumored to be joining the cast. They include Chloris Leachman, Lance Bass, Toni Braxton, Jewel, Ty Murray and Florence Henderson.

Adam, Chloris and Florence are too good for that shit! They should be doing a sitcom together or starring in Werther's Originals commercials. But if Adam insists on doing the show, this should be his opening number:

VIA SOW

Vadge, please take a hard look at these pictures. If you don't stop, this is what your arms could look like. Actually, her arms sort of do look like that.

Seriously, what in roid hell is going on with Sly Stallone's arms and legs? Just looking at these pictures makes my own veins all tingly. If you touched one of his veins, it would touch you back.

Imagine what his veiny dick looks like. Ribbed for your pleasure. A bitch could lose a tooth or three from sucking on his roid stick. His pulsating veins would knock em right out. You'd have to wear a fucking mouth guard.

Here's more of the always sexy Sly with his family in Ibizia. And just for the record, I'd hit it.

82-year-old Jerry Lewis was making his way through security at Las Vegas' McCarran International Airport when they discovered an unloaded gun in his carry-on. They probably wanted to ask Jerry, "Is that a gun or you just happy to see me," but I'm pretty sure Jerry's "gun" hasn't been cocked in a while.

According to Entertainment Tonight, Jerry said he didn't realize he had a gun in there. He told security that family members had used his bag. When all else fails, blame your family.

Jerry was only cited for carrying a concealed weapon without a permit.

Boo! Airport security really missed an opportunity to give the world an amazing mug shot. They should have called the police and had his pepaw ass arrested. That mug shot would have been tore up! The stuff mug shot dreams are made of!

My hero's husband, Kelsey Grammer, is in the hospital! Camille Grammer's sugar pepaw fainted in NYC over the weekend while promoting "Swing Vote." His rep told UsWeekly, “Kelsey felt faint last night so he went to the hospital to have things checked out. They are altering his medications." His rep said he will bust out of the hospital tomorrow.

Last month, Kelsey had a minor heart attack in Hawaii.

Earlier, I decided to do a little google research on Camille, because I'm in love with her. I found out Kesley has had some tragic shit happen in his life. His father was murdered, his sister was murdered and his twin half-brothers were killed by a shark! Also, his second wife tried to kill herself while she was pregnant. She lost their child.

To top it all off, Camille has a form of IBS. That's why she used a surrogate to give birth to both of their kids. Yeah, right. She just didn't want to get fat. I'm joking! Camille is an angel.

Kelsey is in good (and expensive) hands. He has one of the greatest gold diggers in the world caring for him. If anyone can heal him, it's Camille.