Pepaws

Vadge, please take a hard look at these pictures. If you don't stop, this is what your arms could look like. Actually, her arms sort of do look like that.

Seriously, what in roid hell is going on with Sly Stallone's arms and legs? Just looking at these pictures makes my own veins all tingly. If you touched one of his veins, it would touch you back.

Imagine what his veiny dick looks like. Ribbed for your pleasure. A bitch could lose a tooth or three from sucking on his roid stick. His pulsating veins would knock em right out. You'd have to wear a fucking mouth guard.

Here's more of the always sexy Sly with his family in Ibizia. And just for the record, I'd hit it.

82-year-old Jerry Lewis was making his way through security at Las Vegas' McCarran International Airport when they discovered an unloaded gun in his carry-on. They probably wanted to ask Jerry, "Is that a gun or you just happy to see me," but I'm pretty sure Jerry's "gun" hasn't been cocked in a while.

According to Entertainment Tonight, Jerry said he didn't realize he had a gun in there. He told security that family members had used his bag. When all else fails, blame your family.

Jerry was only cited for carrying a concealed weapon without a permit.

Boo! Airport security really missed an opportunity to give the world an amazing mug shot. They should have called the police and had his pepaw ass arrested. That mug shot would have been tore up! The stuff mug shot dreams are made of!

My hero's husband, Kelsey Grammer, is in the hospital! Camille Grammer's sugar pepaw fainted in NYC over the weekend while promoting "Swing Vote." His rep told UsWeekly, “Kelsey felt faint last night so he went to the hospital to have things checked out. They are altering his medications." His rep said he will bust out of the hospital tomorrow.

Last month, Kelsey had a minor heart attack in Hawaii.

Earlier, I decided to do a little google research on Camille, because I'm in love with her. I found out Kesley has had some tragic shit happen in his life. His father was murdered, his sister was murdered and his twin half-brothers were killed by a shark! Also, his second wife tried to kill herself while she was pregnant. She lost their child.

To top it all off, Camille has a form of IBS. That's why she used a surrogate to give birth to both of their kids. Yeah, right. She just didn't want to get fat. I'm joking! Camille is an angel.

Kelsey is in good (and expensive) hands. He has one of the greatest gold diggers in the world caring for him. If anyone can heal him, it's Camille.

When something in your house breaks, a normal person would kick it or call it a "stupid cunt." Not Keith Walendowski from Milwaukee. When his lawn mower didn't start, he shot the bitch. You know he probably yelled, "Godamn stupid fucking lawn damn fucking mower!" when he shot at it.

One of Keith's lady friends, who lives with him, called the po po and got her old man arrested. What a bitch! He was probably interrupting her favorite "Mama's Family" re-run.

Keith was arrested and charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed. When asked why he shot the lawn mower, he said (read this with a raspy slur) "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want." Pepaw has a point.

Keefs (that's probably what his friends call him because they are all drunks) faces up to an $11,000 fine and six years and three months in prison if convicted.

Keef's lady friend also told the police he was drunk at the time. You fucking think? Just from looking at his mug shot, I can smell the mixture of Early Times whiskey and Pall Malls.

That being said, I wouldn't hit it. Shocking, eh? Okay, I'm lying. I totally would if he shared some of his Early Times with me.

Source

Thanks Carol Ann

Last Wednesday night, Kenny Anderson was reading the paper and drinking his Sanka at his regular diner in Wilkesboro, N.C. when a minivan came cashing through the window and pushed Kenny into the counter. Kenny calmly grabbed his hat, put it back on his head and walked away.

Kenny went on "Today" this morning and told Meredith that he really didn't realize what had happened. He said, “It just knocked the breath out of me. I couldn’t breathe at first." Kenny was taken to the hospital, but he didn't have any major injuries or broken bones.

Was Brit Brit Spears in North Carolina last week? No, the woman driving the minivan said she lost control of the her vehicle and her brakes stopped working. Before busting through the diner, she also hit an SUV and two parked cars. She was not injured. "Lost control of the car" is a drunk bitch's way of saying, "I was WASTED!"

Kenny is seriously one calm pepaw. I would've ran off and quickly called my lawyers. The diner, the driver, the minivan maker, the bitches who installed the window and the city would all have lawsuits in their hands! Kenny doesn't seem to give an eff. He just wants another cup of coffee.

Source

As you know, Ed McMahon is a pepaw in trouble. Ed is broke and can't pay his bills which could result in him losing his multi-million dollar pepaw kingdom. Well, has Ed resorted to pulling some fraudulent shit?

TMZ reports that Pepaw Ed filed a lawsuit against billionaire Robert Day and Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for a slip and fall at Robert's house. Ed broke his neck in the fall. He's suing for pepaw abuse and malpractice.

Last year, Pepaw Ed was making his way down Robert's entry stairs when he slipped and fell. He said there was no hand rail. I wonder if Pepaw Ed screamed, "I've fallen and I can't get up!" All elderly people should scream that when they fall.

Ed received treatment at Cedars, but he claims they didn't take an X-ray of his cervical spine even though he was moaning about neck pain. He left the hospital with a broken neck which he thinks is "elder abuse," because Cedars should know that old people are prone to such injuries. They also didn't give him a caramel square while treating him. They should know that a caramel square almost always makes an elderly bitch feel better.

Hey, can you blame a pepaw for trying? Ed needs fast cash! He better watch it though. The other side is going to try and trip him up one day. While Pepaw Ed is walking down the street in his neck brace, they are going to throw a bottle of Sherry at him. Ed will tackle that shit like he's Jerry Rice. I watch "Dateline." I know how they trick bitches.

The big stars came out for the premiere of "The Dark Knight" in NYC last night. I'm being sarcastic. The biggest stars are in the movie.

When Lauren Conrad from "The Hills" is one of the most recognizable faces at the premiere, there's a problem. The twats from "Gossip Girl," Karina Smirnoff Ice, Patrick Wilson and some other whores also showed up. They were only there for the gift bag and snack bar.

Thank Jeebus for hot pepaw eye candy like Michael Caine and Gary Oldman. Oh and also Thank God for Edie Falco who is turning into the bull dyke of my dreams. She seriously looks like a contestant on "Top Chef." She's giving me gayelle fever.

Ronnie Wood, 61, of the Rolling Stones is reportedly getting it on with a slut old enough to be his granddaughter. The Daily Mail claims Ronnie has left his wifey of 23 years for an 18-year-old Russian cocktail waitress named Ekaterina Ivanov. He met her in some shady escort bar, so I'm sure the "cocktail waitress" title is just that, a title.

The teenage tart has been telling her Facebook friends that she's having a relationship with Ronnie.

Ronnie's spokesbitch spoke out by saying Ekaterina is a drinking partner and that Ronnie is in a bad way, "She is a drinking partner. When you're an alcoholic and your family are all telling you to stop drinking you simply find someone else to drink with. You can see how it happens, you end up pushing away the ones you love because you don't think straight."

The spokesbitch also said that Ronnie is drinking 2 bottles of vodka a day and that he's not even clear enough to check into rehab even though his wife is begging him to. Ronnie is still talking to his kids and wife, but he's mostly only with his teenage hooker.

Ronnie's wife, Jo, seems to be in denial. She said, "They're not boyfriend and girlfriend - not in that way."

I'm all for gold digging, but Ekaterina is not playing fair. Ronnie is a troubled pepaw with a booze problem.

This is going to end one of two ways. Ronnie is going to leave his teenage slut and she's going to release a tell-all along with a sex tape (pepaw porn is all the rage right now). Or Ronnie is going to leave his wifey and marry this tramp! Either way, it's not going to end pretty.

The American version of the reality shit show Big Brother begins its 10th season this Sunday night. Yeah, ten seasons of dumb twats getting drunk, being slutty and saying offensive bullshit. Sounds like my family reunions.

CBS unveiled the cast of dick bags this morning. There's a gay cowboy, a blonde slut and some douche named Memphis. Fuck all those skanks, because I have already found my favorite. His name is Jerry and he's a real-life great pepaw from Texas! 75-year-old Jerry loses some points because in his bio he doesn't mention Werther's original, Metamucil or warm compresses. That being said, Grand Pepaw Jerry is going to win this bitch. Trust this.

The producers also cast a Nick from BB8 body-alike named Jessie (below). Ha. He spells his name liks a girl. Jessie is a 22-year-old bodybuilder from CA. I don't know whether to lick him or put a hex on him. His body is kind of creeping me out. That many muscles could only mean one thing: SMALL PEEN! And you know Grand Pepaw Jerry is totally going to gay out with this bitch.

Pepaw Ed Harris was out on Robertson Blvd, drinking his iced Metamucil, yapping on his phone when a few paparazzi surrounded his hot ass. Ed asked one cheery pap to stop taping him, but she didn't comply to The Harris' demands. Wrong move. That's when he grabbed her camera with such raw emotion.

I love it when hot pepaws attack.