Pepaws

During a performance of "Love in an Elevator" at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota last night, Steven Tyler fell backwards off the stage and onto a few audience members. (Insert a zillion "going doooown" jokes here).

The Associated Press says Steven suffered minor head, neck and shoulder owwies. Steven was immediately airlifted to the hospital after being examined by an on-site doctor. A rep for the Buffalo Chip Campground, where the concert took place, said Steven was all jokes and laughed about it afterwards. The rep added, "He does a lot of dancing on the stage and he does a lot of stuff with his mike stand. He put his stand down and twirled around and stepped backwards off the stage. It was an unfortunate end to an extraordinary evening."

Last month, Aerosmith was forced to cancel a bunch of shows after Steven effed up his leg while jumping onstage. Their bassist Tom Hamilton had to get non-invasive surgery and was temporarily replaced by David Hull for part of the tour. AND Joe Perry had knee surgery back in March. Can someone please send these dudes an emergency shipment of Three Wolf Moon t-shirts?! They should be required to wear them at all times!

I believe that Steven Tyler is going to outlive us all, so it won't be long before he's thrusting his crotch bone and shimmying like he needs a dollar in a serious way.

Image: Wenn

Marty Ingles needs to stop! He's running around telling Page Six that his 75-year-old wife, Shirley Jones, might bare her partridges and prunes in Playboy! Marty, who may or might not have the seniles, said, "She's still drop-dead gorgeous, and at the age of 75, a natural beauty. I'm her husband, and I think it would be sensational. Mature women are relevant."

If Shirley decides to pose in Playboy, she'd be the oldest piece to ever get nekkid in the magazine.

Marty is not right for trying to whore Shirley out to Playboy! Shirley should be making oatmeal cookies for her grandkids, not spreading hers in a magazine! And she'll always be more relevant than 99% of the young twats in Hollywood.

If anybody in that family should be getting all their panties off for a magazine, it should be Marty. You know you want to see his shriveled worm in all its glory. Come on get happy (without Viagra), Marty!

Jakey Gyllnehaal and Mike White tossed a few salads (and soup) during lunch in Los Angeles where I'm sure they talked about Mel White the whole entire time. Well, Mel and what their favorite brand of lube it.

But mostly they yapped about Mel, because what else is there to talk about? If you have no idea what I'm babbling about, then watch that Amazing Race shit, because Mike competes with his daddy Mel on it. Mel is seriously the big gay pepaw I never had! During last night's episode, he's one of the only bitches who figured out you had to use the basket to move the hay (no, that's not code for some gay sex act). The other dumb whores used their chichis! Stupid fucks. They got fucking served up by a 68-year-old dude! Mel proves that pepaws can do anything, even with a pulled groin.

Jakey is totally using Mike to get close to Mel.

This past Valentine's Day, Harrison Ford got on one knee and asked Calista Flockhart to be his third wifey friend. I'm sure the happy moment was short-lived when Harrison's hip almost went out, he got a charley horse and he farted when he tried to get up. Oldies do that. And then Calista probably fell the fuck over, because the ring was too heavy for her skinny ass to hold up.

Some source told People that after 7 years of dating, 66-year-old Harrison gave 44-year-old Calista a ring while they were on vacation. Their spokeswhores have zipped up their lips and aren't saying shit about this matter.

Harrison is probably over her ass and figures the best way to get her off his old tired back is to marry her, because marriage kills the love! Or maybe he's hoping their wedding reception will be a costume party and that will give him an excuse to wear that amazing shit in the picture above. Oh fuck, I hope he wears that.

I would rather share an order of hot breadsticks and conversation with Tim Gunn at Olive Garden than have to shank up his precious pepaw face in a bathroom at Rawhide. But Tim really is giving me no choice. You see, this bitch has revealed his silvercrush and it's none other than MAH BOO ANDERSON COOPER. The horror!

Timmy told OK! Magazine that his powdered donut hole crinkles for Andy because, "He's fabulous!" Timmy went on to say, “We’ve actually been trying to have lunch for a year and a half. Both of us are so busy that we haven’t been successful doing it, but we exchange e-mails.”

Oh, Timmy. I'm about to e-mail you a very special file entitled "Mah Boo Naked and Doing the Dick Slappy Dance." Download it to every single device you have used to e-mail with Mah Boo. Do this now. It's special. (For the viewers at home I'm sending him a virus to stop this before it starts).

Seriously, doesn't Timmy want a Gayken? Or maybe a Lance Bass? Why a Mah Boo? Doesn't he know that two silverheads can't work! Even if you make it work. It still doesn't work. That's too much shine for one couple. And when they bump steel wool bushes, it may cause chaffing. Neither of them want that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go slap a Klum and kick a Kors.

When Ed McMahon almost lost his caramel square kingdom last year and his gold digging wife used the shit out of their AMEX card, I figured 2009 would be a better year for him since 2008 was full of suckery. Well, I figured wrong, because Ed is laid up in the ICU and it's not looking pretty.

Pepaw Ed has been in the hospital for weeks with that evil ass devil known as pneumonia sitting on his lungs. TMZ says condition and is really serious and one bitch close to Ed said, "It's not great, to say the least."

I realize that Ed has a case of the olds, so he might have to shuffle off to the great beyond soon to co-host The Heaven Show with Johnny Carson, but he can't go like this. It's just sad. Somebody get your ass down to Ed's bedside with a bunch of balloons and a check for one million hugs. Okay, that last sentence was sponsored by KRAFT. It'll taste even better between two slices of fried bread.

There's nothing better than a boozy pepaw sexing it up in a black speedo. Actually, yeah there is. A boozy pepaw sexing it up in a black speedo while trying to put his pants on as a shirt is even better. The bitches around his ass agree with me. Those whores are having the time of their lives. Even a little boy runs by recording this mess on his phone. They are all acting like this shit has never happened to them. It happens to everyone! Right?

One time I was at some trick's house, wasted out of my brains. If you put a Brethalyzer near my asshole, I would've farted a 1.2 or more. Drunk. Well, when fucky times was over, I started to put myself together for the 4am walk of shame. Getting dressed while drunk is never easy, especially when it's at some strange whore's apartment. It's confusing!

After about a minute or two of trying to get dressed, the mofo started laughing hysterically. I thought to myself, "It's just a growth. Get over it." But quickly realized that I was putting on my pants as a shirt just like the sexy pepaw above. I told the whore to shut the hell up and then said, "It also doubles as a shrug, you dumbass."

That's exactly what this sexy pepaw should've done. Worn that shit as a shrug and stomped off. Some people really don't understand fashion.

Source VIA Buzzfeed

I already forgave Ronnie Wood for leaving his wife for that barely legal whore who is only sucking on his dehydrated worm to get to his cash, but I cannot forgive him for this. You might not be reading this, because you were temporarily blinded by those things on Ronnie's feet. THOSE UGHS! I bet that Tinkerwhore made him wear those things. She is making sure that no other living thing will hop on her meal ticket. Damn. She's good.

It hurts, though. Now Ronnie really looks like a rocker lady who left the wild life of the big city to move to the suburbs to raise her grandkiddies and become a soccer memaw. Painful.

Yesterday was one of the biggest televised sporting events of the year: Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl V! Some people died from all the excitement. True fact. Halfway through this heart-stopping and tongue-swallowing event, the puppies went off to clean each other's asses with their tongues and that's when it was the kittens turn to entertain. KITTENS!!!! If you thought the Puppy Bowl killed hearts and made ovaries burst, the Kitty Half-Time Show presented by Bissell (um, ok?) was so spectacularly cute that I think I actually felt warm in my heart area. Or maybe that was just the microwaved saltines and Kraft slices talking.

The "other" Bowl also had their own half-time show. It's kind of gives me "the awwws" that they actually thought they could compete with the world famous KITTY Half-Time Extravaganza. But they did try by bringing out The Leader Bruce Springsteen! Or is it The Supervisor? The Assistant Manager? The Boss? I forget.

You know, Bruce gave that shit all he had. He thrust that crotch like a strung out lunch-shift stripper trying to get a dollar so she can make another layaway payment on her crack rock. Seriously, he was all over it.

Now, even though I give Bruce half-a-clap for his Jersey crotch, the furry pussy balls win this shit! They sealed the deal at the 4:50 mark. I mean, one pussy is nibbling on another pussy's ear! It's so fucking cute that I want to eat my own ear off!

Pussy balls are on top and Jersey crotch is on the bottom.

Padma Lakshmi is good at sooooo many things. She's good at saying "from the makers of GLAD family of products" on Top Chef and she's even better at picking men. And by "men" I mean sugar pepaws. Padma's last piece was Salman Rushdie and now she's pulling Ted Forstmann's frosty pubes out of her mouth. He's the 60-something CEO of IMG and he shits gold. Enough said. He no longer looks like he has moth balls under his nuts. He looks like a hot piece with 8-pack abs and a mega peen.

Some bitches like big dicks and some like big checking accounts. The difference is that a big dick isn't going to buy you a Bentley. But a big checking account will turn a small soggy peen into a 9" rock hard rod of sex. Yes, it will, but only authentic gold diggers are born with that kind of imagination. Padma has it. She's my inspiration.