Shia LaDOUCHE

This is sweeter than a stack of deep fried pancakes doused in syrup. You just want to barf on a kitten.

Here's Shia LaBeouf sucking the mocos out of Carey Mulligan's nose in NYC today. Shia is so gentle with her. It's like watching Brooke Mueller carefully unwrap her last 8-ball. I mean, Shia even helped Carey cross a mountain of nasty ass snow. The black part of my heart (no comments from the peenus gallery) wishes a pigeon would've shit on their heads. It's just too perfect.

I bet they are so in love that Carey doesn't even mind when Shia calls her "mom" and makes her wear a gypsy skirt.

Catherine Zeta-Jones' plastic surgery bills don't pay themselves, so Michael Douglas had to get back out there and make some damn money. That's the only reason I can come up with as to why there is a sequel to Wall Street. But anyways, here is the trailer.

The title of this shit lies. They are making it sound like money has insomnia. I know for a fact that money is not wide awake at night watching HSN and downing warm milk laced with crushed Simply Sleep pills in order to finally get some Zzzzzs.

Money was definitely fast asleep the other night when I went to the ATM to pay it a visit and got an "insufficient funds" notice instead. Lazy ass money couldn't come to the damn door because it was alseep! Or maybe nobody was home. No, money was definitely hugging a body pillow in bed.

And what is it with Shia starring in unnecessary sequels with old dudes we may or may not still fap to. First it was Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones, and now it's Michael Douglas in this mess. What's next? Shia and Sean Connery in the sequel to First Knight called Second Knight?

In between shots for Wall Street 2 (send your hate mail to Michael Douglas) in NYC today, Shia LaDouche gently kissed on Carey Mulligan's little nose like she was a precious Disney Princess. I know I should be "awwwing" in the heart over this, but mouth-to-nose fucking isn't my thing. I'd rather cuddle up to a filthy peen (see below) than get mocos on my lips. I have some standards (no, I don't).

Here's more of the co-stars/love birds being sweet today. How much do you want to bet that Shia calls Carey's nose "Mom."

Mommy lover Shia LaDouche paid homage to Bob Dylan by wearing this t-shirt to LAX yesterday. While I plan to make my own using a Sharpie and a ratty Fruit of the Loom (SHUT UP!!) t-shirt, you will never see me wearing that shit to a damn airport! That's just asking for a rubber finger and a flashlight up your culo! On second thought......this is the only t-shirt I should wear to the airport. You gotta get it where you can!

Megan Fox is not only one of the most prolific thinkers of our time, but she also knows how to show up to premiere looking like a Downtown Las Vegas stripper on the prowl for a dollar, a dick and a dream! An elegant dress like this could take you from a dinner at a fancy restaurant to getting quick dicked in the back of an '89 Chrysler LeBaron. This dress has it all. Megan Fox made the right choice and by the looks of it, her nippies also approve.

I know this might be giving you flavors of St. Angie's freakum dress from Cannes, but Megan does it better. Megan has the "I will lick yo taint for a Diet Rite" attitude to pull it off with grace and class. And Megan would totally win against St. Angie in a debate on philosophy and stuff like that.

Here's more of Megan with Shia LaDouche at the Berlin premiere of Trannyformers tonight. In some of the pictures, it looks like she's trying to steal Shia's wallet. Once a shady ho, always a shady ho!!

Nothing gets your day going quite like incest-talk, right? Put down the hypodermic needle filled with coffee, because you won't be need your injection of caffeine this morning.

When asked by Hot Hits what's the weirdest thing he's ever read about himself, Shia said:

"That I have sex with my mother on a regular basis... it's so freaking outrageous."

Shia has said in the past that he would be with his mother if he could. He also said that he got his sense of humor by seeing her walk around the house with her bare titty balls dragging on the floor.

Methinks Shia just needs to stop talking about his mother altogether. Whenever he starts a sentence with "My mother...", you know it's going to make you pound your head into the table until the thought he just put into your brain comes pouring out of your ears. Just don't, Shia. Only talk about how good your mother's cookies are and that's it. Actually, no. Don't talk about your mother's cookie.

Furthermore, who ever said Shia was doing fuck times with his mama je'e?! And notice how he only said he doesn't do it "regularly." Okay, I need to stop, drop and roll. I hate Shia for this.

Image: Fame Pictures

Shia LaOedipus already made us all turns our heads, cross our arms and give him a side-eye for saying that if he could be with his super sexy mother, he would. Well, Shia is back for more! During an interview with Parade Magazine, they asked him where he got his sense of humor from. They probably regretted asking the question.

"My humor came from seeing my parents have sex, smoke weed, my mom being naked -- just weird hippie stuff, twisted R-rated humor."

You know, fuck Shia for giving me the image of him smoking the good shit while laughing at his parents wet humping like two seals. Since they are hippies, they are probably into doing that tantric shit on Persian rugs. The room probably smelled like patchouli, burnt weed and hot mayo. Not hilarious. Not humorous.

Shia, save this kind of shit for your deep conversations with Professor Whore Face.

Damn. When Shia and Megan have a private conversation, every light bulb in the room burns out.

The oldest trick in the whore book! At today's premiere of Trannyformers in Tokyo, Megan Fox pulled the good old "Oh, let me peek at Shia while I accidentally rub my nalgas all over Josh Duhamel's crotch area." Well, played. If only she would've reached a little higher. So close to being a bullseye. This is the Megan Fox that I like. The Megan that takes every available opportunity to get a little more dick in her life. Because when life hands you Duhamel wang, you have to grab it with your ass cheeks.

Here's Megan wearing a prom dress fit for the sluttiest girl in high school at the premiere today along with Mr. Fuggie Fug, Shia LaDouche, Tyrese, Michael Bay, Ramon Rodriguez and Isabel Lucas. Why does Shia have his hands behind his back in almost every picture? Gambled and lost?

Justin Timberlake should really just become a full-time ho on SNL, because that's the only time I can stand his annoying ass. That is his calling right there. Last night, JT hosted and presented the sequel to Dick In A Box called Mother Lover. This song can also be called Shia's Anthem.

And this time, Justin and Andy Samberg brought Susan Sarandon and Patricia Clarkson with them. That's what did it for me. Patricia caressing herself with a daisy? I can't.

Happy Muthah's Day. Let's NOT celebrate by fucking each other's mother's. Maybe next year.

Click here if you can't see that shit above.

When someone asks you a question, you don't always have to tell the whole truth. A simple "Mind your own fucking business" or "Rojo Caliente" (that works for everything) would suffice. Shia obviously hasn't mastered that art, because when Playboy asked him about who he thinks the sexiest woman is, he pulled out this little nugget from his back pocket:

"Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. She's an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds."

While I completely agree with Shia that his mother is indeed the sexiest panty-creaming bitch in the Greater Los Angeles area, I think he should've saved this sucioness for his therapist....or his dealer...or his nightmares. Because now I can't look at pictures of them without thinking Shia wants to get on that. Thank you for that, Shia.

VIA Star Magazine