Twit And Twat
You're not Marylin Monroe, you're not Jessica fucking Simpson or silicone laden Pammy Anderson. Fuck, Heidi! Be yourself. Oh wait, you can't do that, because you're not nearly interesting enough for anyone to pay attention to for more than two minutes...... Wait, I'm paying attention to her.....but just ignore that unimportant fact and let's continue hating her.
And another thing, Heidi! Tell Ceiling Eyes to keep her shirt on, because her eyes aren't the only thing staring at the ceiling. Don't know what I mean? Look up some of her earlier "artistic" work.
Here's the little piece of walking peroxide soaked trash and the equally annoying wad of Nice N' Easy brunette shooting scenes for The Hills at The Grove in L.A. yesterday. Heidi is probably telling Ceiling Eyes how much she loooooves Twatty Pratt and can't wait to marry him in a fake wedding. That's obviously a bunch of caca. She doesn't fake love Twatty. If she did, she wouldn't be (NSFW) trolling craigslist for casual fuck sessions!
SPOILER ALERT! It's not like you give a dirty dildo anyway.
UsWeekly has some BREAKING NEWS! Heidi Montag wasn't always a pre-op horse and they have picture proof (above). No, the real non-news is that Heidi and that girl Lauren Conrad were spotted hugging at STK in Los Angeles last night. Lauren was there to celebrate her first fugly fashion show.
While Spencer was eating a bowl of shit at the bar, Heidi galloped over and asked one of LC's friends if she could hug her. Please. She was probably asking the production assistant if they were ready for the shot.
Heidi was allowed into LC's inner sanctum (smells like beef) and the two smiled, talked and hugged. I smell an EMMY (smells like beef)!!!
Now that Heidi and LC have made up, all wars around the world can now come to an end.
I'm sure we'll see this heartfart reunion on "The Hills." After they air the reunion scene, they will cut to LC going into work and being greeted by the happy robot Whitney. Whitney will say, "Heeeeey. How was your weekend?" LC will reply, "Oh my god. I hugged Heidi last night." Whitney will widen her eyes and say, "Oh my god. Really?" And then she'll get up and push a rack of clothes. End scene.
Here's a few pictures of Twit and Twatty leaving STK last night after the "reunion." She really has a face that only Mr. Ed could love.
Walking into a restaurant and seeing Twit and Twat's constipated mugs plastered on the wall is like finding a pubic hair in your clam chowder. Or a booger stuck underneath a table. It's a disgusting surprise that nobody ever hopes to see.
This one time, I got a pizza from Domino's and underneath the pepperoni I was about to consume I found a ginge pube. No lie. When I see Heidi and Spencer's faces I get that same sick feeling in my gut, like when I found that kinky ball hair floating somewhere between the cheese and pepperoni, slathering itself in the grease. That being said, I still ate it. Well, if it's covered in grease and cheese, then it's okay!
Here's Hollywood's not-so-favorite manufactured douchebag couple immortalized on the wall (for what, I don't know. It's not like they cured cancer or anything) of Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant, "Cut" on Friday.
Twit and Twat were "honored" and said it “felt better than winning an Academy award.” Of course you two dolts would say something stupid like that! Last time I checked, they didn't give Oscars out for being dumb whores with Chiclet teeth and Tupperware titties.
These busted ass flunkies join George Clooney and Jack Nicholson as the other portraits on the wall of "Cut." Twit and Twat in the company of Clooney and Nicholson? Everything is wrong with that. Everything.
Here's the grotesque duo, Twit & Twat ,attending the 4th Annual Pink Party to Benefit Cedars-Sinai Womens Cancer Research Institute in Santa Monica yesterday.
Is there something fraudulent going on here (COUGH!!! fake ass made for TV relationship COUGH!!!)? Seriously, if these two were actually together, there's no way Heidi would let Spencer look like he just rolled out of a pile empty beer cans and puddles of his own urine. He looks like a fucking hobo. And not even a hot hobo who might give good sexy times.
And what the stitch popping pus draining hell is going on with Heidi's lips? They are out of control! Hopefully she keeps plumping her face labia's so they get too heavy to speak, let alone sing. She is such a famous-for-nothing dumb twat plastic surgery addict. If she continues jamming dirty needles in her face she will look like Mike Tyson punched her in the fucking mouth.
Say NO to cheap plastic surgery! You can do it Heidi, I have faith in you. Or should I say I have faith in your producers? Hmmm...
While you're trying to erase your hangover with Sanka, microwaveable bacon and Bagel-fuls (the best thing ever), watch this video from "The Soup" of Joel McHale "Overdosin'" on Horsey Montag's fuck effort music video. Horsey should just release this shit as her official video.
First of all, I'm impressed that they actually got the music synched up with the video. This is something Twit and Twat still haven't been able to achieve. I think Horsey's twatty lips edited her video. Second of all, Joel's legs are way sexier than Horsey's. Third of all, Lou is in this video. Any video with Lou can't lose. Now if Spaghetti Cat was in this shit, I would shut down the internet for the day.
When I was like 12 or 13, my friends and I would spend our weekends making our own music videos in the garage with my mom's camcorder. Our stupid videos were only entertaining to us. I showed my mom once and she said, "That's nice. Don't break the camera." Well, Heidi Montag's new video makes my old shit look like the Citizen Kane of music videos. And my garage was nicer than her bootleg set.
I joked that her video was paid for with a creampie, a half-filled bottle of Valtrex and a taint shine from Spencer. They paid too much. The fucking shit music doesn't even line up with the video. I know this is supposed to be a joke, but I'm not laughing.
I even watched all 10 minutes! It sort of has the look of a 1980s porn/snuff film, so I was hoping someone was going to pop out with a chainsaw at any moment.
I really don't hate you. I don't. I loves you. I just needed someone to go on this rollercoaster of torture with me. You'll forgive me later. Look on the bright side! If you watch all 10-minutes of this tarded horsey show, your boss might let you go home sick. Just tell them, "I watched the Heidi Montag video." Your boss will understand.
What in Olivia Newton-John hell is going on here?! This idiotic excuse for a test tube baby must have found a way to achieve time travel, because it's the only way this twat is going remember anything from the 1980's. The 80s are officially DEAD thanks to this horsey whore. The 80s have been brutally massacred and there's nothing left to take! She has completely butt fucked a golden era of my childhood! Not to mention that she's flashing her pussy pad in the picture above. Close your legs and mouth!
You know this video was paid for with a creampie, a half-filled bottle of Valtrex and a taint shine from Spencer.
And because I've caused you pain by posting these truly horrific pictures of Heidi and her pony crotch, I leave you with a video from a TRUE STAR! Heidi could learn a thing or two or three or four from Cleopatra1944! Feel the raw emotion pouring out of her
thanks to too many wine coolers and lonely nights.
....and it's everything you would expect. It's basically torture for your ears. On a positive note, I think all the wax in my ears melted away.
Heidi explained the deep meaning to her new song "Overdosin" to Ryan Gaycrest on his KISS-FM show this morning. She said it's about "when you fall in love with someone... and you're just overdosing off of their love." Okay, that pretty much confirms that Spencer probably writes her songs for her.
I want to fucking overdose after listening to that pony warble. It's horrific. It sounds like Parasite Hilton's twatty lips singing into a fan.
If this isn't a sign that the troops need to come home then I don't know what is. Heidi Montag said that she's going to go to Iraq to perform for the troops. You know, because they haven't been through enough, so we might as well torture them with live singing from Heidi.
The plastic horsey told Extra (via People), “My brother was an airborne ranger in Afghanistan and Iraq. It’s very important to me and important to Spencer to support the troops and go over there." Heidi's stepbrother, who fought in Iraq, passed away last March after he fell off a roof in Colorado.
Spencer said that John McCain's daughter, Meghan, is going to help them get to Iraq, “I think Meghan McCain is helping organize Heidi and our Iraq trip. Her dad definitely has some pull with the military. I think she’s going to put that together for us.”
How about we send Twit and Twat to Guantanamo instead. They won't know the difference. That way we can lock them up and throw away the key. Nobody has to know! It will be America's little secret.
If Heidi Montag performs in Iraq, then the terrorists win.
I must truly hate you, because I'm going to make you listen to Heidi Montag's new song "One More Drink." I'm sorry, but I really need someone to feel my pain.
You know, I will never forgive Brit Brit for not putting this shit out first and calling it "One More DRANK." When listening to it just imagine Brit Brit singing "One Mo DRANK." It might help in making this truly awful shit go down easier.
And I thought this horsey ho didn't drink? I'm going to need at least 5 hardcore drinks after listening to this caca. Fuck, I'm going to need an open bar. Two open bars! Because bartenders always water your shit down during open bar.
This fuckery doesn't even sound human! It sounds like Rosie the Robot Maid after a few too many lemon drops.
Anyway, listen to this nonsense. This is the future of Christian music: