Twit And Twat
Spencer Pratt went through Brit Brit's trash can, pulled out her 2000 MTV VMAs outfit, brushed the Cheetos off, slid it over the factory-defected dildo that is Heidi Montag and pushed her out on the international stage during last night's Miss Universe pageant. He should've pushed her off the planet instead, because that was one of the biggest displays of fuckery I've every seen! This is why some people hate America!
You know, it was wrong of me to compare her to a dildo, because even used-up, ass dust-covered plastic fuck toys have more rhythm than this tranny pony!
If you took an elderly albino gorilla who was suffering from a serious case of Tourettes, got him drunk on the cheapest vodka, made him watch every episode The Hills, hit him over the head 12 times with a copper pot, spun him around 300 times while saying Spencer Pratt's name and then forced him to do this routine, he would still do a better job than Heidi Montag.
The only thing Heidi's "body language" is telling me is: FAIL.
And if you don't feel like making your brain bleed this early in the morning, just watch this video instead. It's the same thing sans Heidi's annoying ass face.
Here I was thinking it was going to be a glorious Friday (see Connie Mouralis post) and then I come across these two fartards. I had to share it (am I oversharing again?) with you so that we can all form a circle and jerk our tonsils together. Barf bukkake party!
At last night's G.I. Joe premiere, these two butt dingles somehow managed to get on the red carpet to show off Twit's cover of Playboy Magazine: Equine Edition. Who do they think they are carrying a magazine around like that? Phoebe Price?! Can I get a "BITCH PLEASE," because nobody can do it like she can.
And I'm not exaggerating when I say that this is the fugliest fug cover I have ever seen. Anonymously send this cover to your enemies and they won't ever be the same again. It's pretty fitting that Heidi looks like a Wal-Mart-brand tampon fresh out of Spencer's shitty asshole.
Exactly a week ago, I toasted to Heather Graham for choosing to wear this luxurious garment that just screamed "elegance and clearance hand jobs." The next day, the dress was on a thing called Kristin Calawhateverthehellhernameis. I gave the dress a quick side-eye, but I realize that a bitch has to sell their ass to make ends meet IN THIS ECONOMY (All together now: We know, Michael. We know!) But now the dress has gone too far!
Last night, it was all over Horsey Montag! This hurts, because you know that cheap nasty skank didn't even pay for the dress! The dress was doing it for free! I could understand if Horsey gave it an 8-ball and some milk, but you know that was not the case. Why didn't it come to me? I would've turned it out and we could've worked the ho stroll together. $2 dolla taint licks!
Don't be surprised if you turn on E! and see, True Hollywood Story: The Rise and Fall of Heather Graham's dress.
Unfortunately, Twit and Twat did not get mauled by cannibal monkeys in Costa Rica. They are back in the states. But fortunately for us, Al Roker interviewed them on Today this morning and he acted like he would rather have been getting a prostate exam from this dude's hand. When Al Roker doesn't even want to breath the same air as you, you know it's time to retire to the nearest roach motel. I bet you if Twit and Twat were covered in powdered sugar and melted butter, Al still wouldn't want to get near them. That's serious.
The flesh-colored dick bush and his pony wife didn't miss a beat and immediately called into Ryan Gaycrest's KIIS-FM radio show to bitch about their treatment. Twatty told Ryan, "I'm still trying to figure out, was the weatherman asking us questions? I thought we were getting interviewed by Matt Lauer or something."
Heidi added, "I was shocked at how rude he was - I was crying afterwards because I couldn't believe I felt personally attacked. I wanted to say to him, do you feel proud of how you're talking to me right now? I'm just a young woman and you're coming at me so aggressively and meanly and mean-spirited. I really would advise women especially to be careful around him because I feel like he definitely came and attacked me and I did not appreciate that at all."
Cheeseburgers should be especially careful around Al Roker, but not women.
This is probably the only time in the history of ever that I actually liked Al Roker. Who knew that two queef bubbles would make that happen?
Let me take that back. This isn't the first time I felt a like in my no-heart for Al. This was the first time:
Devout Christian and missionary for famewhores, Horsey Montag, will bare her douche-filled titty balls and silicone oven mitt chocha in Playboy. Horsey's spread will be in the September issue (aka The Whores 4 God issue). A source (*cough*Heidi's vagina*cough*) told People, "There is nudity. It's tasteful – she had a lot of fun with it."
Let me guess, God looked down upon her, opened his arms and said, "Bare those titties for your faith! As your savior, I command you!" Because in case you forgot, Heidi is the lord's servant. That's why she was put on this earth.
But seriously, Spencer Twatt should be the one in Playboy. His snatch is bigger than hers.
Image: Pacific Coast News
Heidi Montag was rushed to a hospital in Costa Rica yesterday after she started "convulsively throwing up" after spending one full day with Spencer Pratt in a dark room. You do the math. If you were stuck in a confined space with that dingle berry, you'd probably dry heave so much that you'd turn inside out.
Twit & Twat were sent to "The Lost Chamber" by the producers of I'm A Fucktard..... Why The Hell Are People Paying Attention To Me? as a way to redeem themselves for quitting the show. They were given cots to sleep on, water to drink and rice and beans to eat. Peep at their quarters here. It kind of looks like my first apartment, only cleaner.
TMZ says that after the 24 hours were up, Heidi was so sick that she was taken to the hospital where doctors diagnosed her with a "gastric ulcer." Is "gastric ulcer" Costa Rican doctor talk for "chronic famewhore-itis"? Or maybe bitch got dry shampoo poisoning.
Heidi has been released and is currently on meds. Apparently, Twit & Twat want off the show for good now, but they signed a tiny little thing called "a contract." Spencer has fired his lawyer for telling him to stay on the show and now he's threatening to sue NBC.
Some of the cast members are trying to get off the show, but their passports have been held hostage. Wait. Is this some genius plan concocted by the US Government and NBC to rid this country of our biggest pieces of trash? Why oh why didn't they lure Katherine Heeeeigl down there with a carton of Reds or CHERYL BURKE with a stack of buttery pancakes. WHY?! Naw. This smells, tastes and looks like a publicity stunt. This whole thing has probably been scripted from the beginning and I bet they aren't even in Costa Rica. They are probably shooting this on the Gilligan's Island set at Universal Studios.
That being said, I will be tuning in on Monday night to see how this fakery plays out..... Why do I hate myself so much? I need to be hugged by a "Hang in There" poster.
I am directing the above comment at myself for continuing to feed the famewhores. Yes, I've read the signs outside of their cages and my mother even told me that throwing them crumbs will only make things worse. The first step is admitting it, right? Actually, I think the first step should be slapping the caca out of me. Dear Mah Boo, my face is ready to be slapped by your hand... or silvah peen.
This is supposedly Twit & Twat arriving at LAX last night after leaving the jungles of Costa Rica and the set of I'm A Stupid Fuck...Oh Who Cares About This SHIT! Or is it them? E! says that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are actually still in Costa Rica and will make their grand return to the show tonight. Their prayers to Jesus were answered and the producers took them back after they begged.
So this is just some lame stunt created by the producers to get us to believe that the two dick farts are back in the States. Really? This is the best they could do. There's no way Heidi and Spencer would ever cover their b-holes faces up with that many cameras around. It's against their nature! They hear a flash and their famewhoring gene immediately takes over. It's just like how the sound of someone unzipping forces me to my knees. I'm a total mess in dressing rooms.
And try not spit up any of the sweet nectar out of shock when Twit & Twat's "surprising return" is revealed tonight. Again, I'm directing that comment at myself, because I'm the only dumb bitch who watches this suck show.
Because I have no self-respect, I spent 2 hours of my life watching the premiere of I'm A Famewhore.... Give Me Relevance last night. I really should've spent that time splashing my face with expelled douche water, because that's what it felt like. It was Spencer Twatt trying to out-douche himself over and over again. Meanwhile, Horsey Montag killed the jungle animals with her crying face of death. When she wasn't doing that, she was spraying her polyester mane with some kind of dry shampoo I guess she's trying to hawk. It probably smells like dehydrated butt nuggets, hot period juice and burnt fleshbeard.
And what about that prayer with Patti Blagojevich?! If you felt a rumbling down below, that was Satan laughing at that mess.
But the biggest asshole quote was when Spencer said that if they quit, their charities wouldn't suffer that much, because they chose the biggest ones. The sad part is that their shitnanigans proved to be the most entertaining part of the show. I really hate myself for falling for their fakery like that. But there's good news! I might be able to look at myself in the mirror again, because TMZ says Twit and Twat have quit the show for real this time after all their threats!
A source says that following the live part of the show last night, the two dumb boxes of pube hair walked the hell out. Apparently, they didn't come back. Unfortunately, that means they are coming to the States alive. Well, unless the producers care about humanity and blend them down into one of Sanjay's "protein shakes." They are both the color of yellow sperm, so Sanjaya wouldn't even know the difference.
I wish there was such thing as CLT+ALT+FLUSH INTO THE TOILET, because that's where this picture belongs. So why is Horsey Montag's face slowly melting into her lap? It's because she's got the sads. Well, also her face is 99% plastic and the Costa Rican heat is turning it into an overcooked Shrinky Dink, but mostly because she's sad. Heidi and her walking fleshy pube bush husband, Spencer Twatt, have been in South America for just a couple of days filming I'm A Famewhore, Give Me Relevance and they already want out! The reality show premieres tonight and Twit and Twat have already threatened to walk off twice!
A source told Ryan Seacrest that on day one of filming they complained about the conditions. The show is about a bunch of celebwhores trying to survive in the middle of the jungle, but these two dick farts thought they would be living the life. The source went on to say, "They wanted to be treated like stars. Spencer literally thought he and Heidi were staying in a Four Seasons, working out and getting a tan."
They also complained that the rest of the cast (which includes Janice Dickinson and Lou Diamond Phillips) just isn't starry enough for them. The source says that Heidi complained, "I wish they got some real celebrities like K-Fed."
Obviously, this is just some manufactured stunt that was created to get us to watch this desperate spectacle. Like Twit and Twat would ever walk away from a camera?! Not even if a tiger was mauling their pathetic asses. Speaking of, methinks Heidi doesn't have to worry about anything in the jungle attacking her ass, because there's not a beast on this planet (besides Spencer) that wants to put THAT in its mouth.
And what happened to you, Lou Diamond Phillips?! From La Bamba to Young Guns to 7 episodes of Numb3rs to THIS?! THE ECONOMY is really going too far, but Lou had other options! Seriously, selling your ass on the ho stroll is more respectable than this wreck of wrecks!
Look up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a giant joint floating down from heaven with Bob Marley riding on top of it. Breathe it in and hold it! Bob Marley is here to gently touch the fool who said Spencer Twatt is the "King of Weed" and free him of THE GIFT. I'm talking about the gift that is getting stoned. Seriously, the giant used anal bead who said that should never ever be allowed to feel the warm embrace of the green cloud ever again. IT'S A FUCKING FARCE (copyright: Kanye West).
The moron told Star Magazine that the breathing maxi-pad is a major pot head, "He was smoking it every day. He always had a big bag and would share with everyone. He was the King of Weed!”
Twatty also had a problem with dolls, specifically Valium, and went to a rehab facility in Arizona to break the habit. When he busted out, he went right back to the good shit. The friend added, "One day, he walked in on a party and pulled out a bag of pot and said, ‘'We are soooooo getting stoned! No one thought much of it, because at least he was staying away from pills."
Twatty's obviously not smoking up enough, because he's still a major asshole. Lube up and sit on your bong, Twatty. Maybe that will help. Ugh. Can you imagine smoking out with this giant pube bush? He's the reason why some people call weed a "gateway drug." Because after a few seconds with him, you'll realize that weed isn't enough and you'll start injecting your eyeballs with schmack.