Twit And Twat

It wouldn't be a holiday without one of Spencer and Heidi's totally candid photo shoots! Heidi brought her mother into the charade for a special Mother's Day shoot yesterday. I'm sorry, but I live for their amazing photo shoots. They should open up a business and help others look totally natural on special days.

I can't wait for their "Day of the Dead" photo shoot. Hopefully, they'll pose in a casket and we can bury them for good. Wait, then who will bring us these gems?

And it wouldn't be a Heidi post without pictures of her gorgeous twin sister, Chrissy Crocker.

File this under: This will ruin your day. My day has already been ruined by all the site trauma, so I'm bringing you down with me! Here's the latest from Spencie's advice column for Radar:

YO SPENCER! How long do you have to date someone before it's appropriate to bring up the possibility of anal sex?

If you're dating a guy, right away. If you're dating girl, I think you'll know pretty quick if she's into that. If they're not bringing it up, it's not something on their agenda. That's just realistic. My boxing coach Dirty Phi says, "If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it's cool."

I usually bring up anal sex seconds after meeting someone, but that's just me. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and stick chopstick in my ear to try and kill the images of Spencie putting a pinkie in Heidi's poop shoot. You know it's extra poopey.

Speaking of shit shows, The Hills got renewed for a fourth season!

Last night, I was enjoying my evening with a delicious Hostess Sno-Ball (I eat a lot of those) and a little Letterman when Heidi Montag popped up on my screen looking like a banged up homecoming queen. No, she wasn't on to take part Stupid Pet Tricks either. She was on to promote...well...fuck! I really don't know why she was on.

Heidi talked about that stupid sex tape thing and how their show isn't fake. What I really wanted her to talk about was why she's such a dumb bitch. Honestly, this sex tape shit is so stupid. It's a fake sex tape starring fake people that was not made to promote a fake reality show. I'm confusing myself. Heidi and Spencer's douche faces do that to me sometimes.

I guess this is why Letterman is paid the big bucks. He's forced to deal with plastic twats like this. At least he knew her name. I was expecting him to call her Paris Jameson Reid. All those hos are the same.

Click here to see all the clips of Chrissy Crocker Heidi on Letterman. Only watch them if you need to punish yourself for something you did earlier.

This right here sums up why many countries hate America. Heidi and Spencer could definitely be the poster children of the "Hate America" campaign. They are totally living the American dream. Only in America can two dumb whores with the combined IQ of a dirty tampon become rich and famous. Well, two dumb whores can become rich and famous in the UK too (Katie & Peter). Too be perfectly honest, I think I'm falling under their spell. They are so fucking ridiculous that it's kind of amazing. And the best part is that they are totally serious about it. It's like not they are being ironic. I don't think they even know the meaning of that word.

Here's our greatest American heroes giving one of their infamous planned candid photo shoots in DC. I've also thrown in Heidi's twin sissy Chrissy Crocker. She ran all over Robertson Blvd. with a special message for Perez. Hey, it could have been worse. She could have written the message on her power bottom ass.

Heidi Montag reportedly pulled out of the White House Correspondents' Association dinner, because MSNBC refused to pay for Spencer's first-class plane ticket. Well, the two douchebags made it after all! George Bush was probably heartbroken when he heard Heidi couldn't make it, so he chartered Air Force One for her. This is a good thing, because the two really are intellectual soul mates.

And yes Heidi wore that same outfit a week ago. It looked like shit then and it looks like shit now.

The dinner was also attended by Asshole and Pete Wentz, Pammy Anderson, Lauren Conrad, Michael Johns from American Idol, Joel McHale, Jenny McCarthy, the Jonas Brothers, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner and Marcia Cross.

President Bush joked to the audience, "Pamela Anderson and Mitt Romney in the same room? Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse?" That whole room was the last sign of the apocalypse. I'm surprised the room didn't spontaneously combust from all the morons in it.

Bush went on to joke, "[Hillary] Clinton couldn't get in because of sniper fire and Sen. [Barack] Obama's at church." That Dubya is such a fucking comedian. He should really quit his job and join the Queens of Comedy tour.

Heidi Montag was reportedly invited to the White House Correspondents gala by MSNBC, but pulled out when they wouldn't pay for Spencer's expenses. Page Six reports that Spencer demanded two first-class plane tickets for both him and Heidi even though he wasn't invited.

MSNBC refused to pay for his expenses, so he cancelled Heidi's appearance. Spencer said the event "wasn't 'A-listy' enough."

A rep for MSNBC denied they ever invited the plastic pony. Heidi's rep blamed it on scheduling conflicts. Err....isn't Spencer her rep?

Even though Heidi cannot make the gala, it will still go on. Why even bother? America's #1 feminist hero can't make it. There's really no point!

Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz, Pamela Anderson, Donatella Versace, the Jonas Brothers, Hayden Panatroll, Claire Danes and Tracey Ullman are just some of the celebrities that will attend. Douche convention!

Who's going to play pattycake with George Bush now? He was sooo looking forward to it.

"When I grow up I want to be a no-trick pony with garbage bag chichis!"

Heidi Montag launched her affordable line of prostitute uniforms at Kitson yesterday to a crowd of like 20. I bet half of those people were plucked from central casting.

The parents of these little girls need to be dick slapped! Well, maybe they mistook Heidi for one of those plastic horsey rides that sit outside of supermarkets. Unfortunately, when you stick a quarter in Heidi, the quarter bounces back at you.