Panty Pudding

Enrique Iglesias once joked that he was hung like a baby horsefly. We've never gotten proof that this isn't the case....until now! In Enrique's never-before-seen video from 2000 for the Bruce Springsteen cover "Sad Eyes," he unveils his 12-foot long dick that is made entirely of chrome! I'd still take a ride on Enrique's stripper dick, even if it gave my ass iron poisoning. Wouldn't be the first time.

It's best if you watch this Skinemax-approved porn video at the 3:00 mark with the sound off, sitting on your dryer, with a tub of baby wipes near you, three types of lotion at your side, a clothespin on each nipple an all the lights off.

Your body moles may jizz. And now I just killed the mood by painting that image.

via Tabloid Prodigy

RPanttiez vants to suck your blood....during that time of the month.

You know, just like the Twidildo, this makes all sorts of sense. I mean, Edward Cullen is responsible for thousands of pairs of chonies getting covered in massive amounts of creme de la coochie. So panties with his mouth on the labia area was the next natural step.

At this point, it won't be long for some bitches puts out sparkly Twitamponz. It won't leave a drop! The "Jacob Black Twitampon" will be extra furry for those with heavy flow.

Source: Robert Pattinson Online via The Frisky

This picture of Alexander Skarsgard grabbing onto a dude's titty at Fantastic Fest '09 will probably find itself inserted into Photoshop about a million times, because crazed True Blood hos (yours truly included) will be pasting their heads on this shit. I mean, we all want Vampire Eric to place his sexy hand on our nipple while holding a Stella in the middle of a freezer.

Something tells me the dude's face lips aren't the only pair of lips puckering up. OW! Eric has that effect on everyone.

If that was me, I'd never wash or lick my nipple ever again. My nipple would be looking like a crusty 7-layer dip after about a year, and I still wouldn't take a towelette to it.

Source: PoshDeluxe VIA Just Jared

It's been much too long since I've posted some pictures of Dreamboat Doherty. Well, the dry spell is over! Here's a few pictures of Dreamy that will make your crotch sprout warts and your teefs weep for their people. Maybe you should down a full bottle of Penicillin before going in. Just to be safe.

Dreamy was spotted trolling through a flea market in East London yesterday. At least we know that Dreamy will never ever go HONGRAY since it looks like he has a few meals stuck in his teeth. And let's not mention the cheese shop on his dick area....or the jelly factory in his ass cheeks......

That being said, I'd still....you know.

There's really no better way to start the day then a little Mah Boo Anderson Cooper sitting on the edge of my coffee cup saving "hello" at me. Or maybe he's waving me away. Who cares about technicalities! I just want to plop him into my coffee, because he's the sweetest sugar cube in the sugar factory. And that was the gayest sentence in the gay factory.

Here's a bleary-eyed (but still oh-so-sessy) Mah Boo catching a cab in NYC yesterday heading to the flower store to buy me a huge bouquet, hundreds of silver balloons and a teddy gram. Okay, he was probably buying it for NeNe or for his current salad chef, but again...TECHNICALITIES!

Quick! Put a cork in your fuck hole, because you know it's about to blooooow! You will not be able to contain yourself while gazing at these pictures of the scalding hot adonis that is Mickey Rourke!

You know you're going to eat a giant stuffed roasted chicken dinner tonight with all the fixings. You're going to lick every greasy bone while fantasizing about Mickey's rotisserie tittays. Do not deny it! My no-no lips just crumpled up into my love cave (copyright: Tracy). Although, that might not have anything to do with Mickey. Sometimes my ass lips observe Sundays. Go figure.

Here's Mickey and some piece making the sea creatures bust jizz bombs in Dubrovnik, Croatia.

Gerard Butler was attacked by a crazed horny fanlady outside of his hotel in London yesterday and he loved it. Gerry was probably hypnotized by her gorgeous cricket leg eyebrows! Or maybe her chichis, because Gerry loooves chichis. Gerry loves chichis so much that it gives him the sads that he can't tell you how beautiful your breastes are.

Gerry said, "We've taken something as simple as sexual attraction, something that's in our DNA, that's basic to society, and turned it into something complicated. We've made the rules we must abide by that make it difficult to connect with each other. If a woman has great breasts, I'd love to tell her so. But in polite society, you can't do that. Which is a shame."

Oh, Gerry. I'm not a woman (DON'T SAY IT) and my titties are only training-bra size, but you can compliment them anytime you want. You can even touch them, flick at them or slap them with your peen. My chesticles are your own personal Motel 6: open 24 hours and here for you! The woman below feels the same. Obvi.

Some of us are barely getting up, so the eye jizz is still crusty and our beds are beckoning us back to them. That shit's not an option, so why not cuddle in between The Hoff's succulent tittays instead. Titty fuck him with your entire body. Let his warm chichi fur envelope you as you moisturize your skin with the booze grease that oozes out of his nips.

You know, I'm not sure whose furry moobies are more luscious? The Hoff's or Simon Cowell's? There's only way one to settle this: titty contest!

I just had to stick a bucket under my ass and hope for the best after seeing these panty pudding inducing pictures of Carrot Top with a meatball in his mouth. You know, I bet his personal skin meatballs look a lot like that. Well, with a red fern field growing on them, of course.

Gene Simmons and Carrot Versatile shared a romantic dinner together at the ultra elegant Buca di Beppo in Las Vegas last night. This is like a fucked up version of Lady and the Tramp. ManLady and the Roidhead.

Bitches always think I'm joking when I say that my no-no instantly turns into a yes-yes for Carrot Top. This is not a joke. I'd ride that Carrot until it turned pureed carrots. I'd mash that shit down faster than a fucking Beaba Babycooker. My ass would look like that bowl of spaghetti when I was done with him. And that's the ugly, horrifying truth.

Hugh Jackman turned 40 yesterday and he celebrated by giving a bunch sunbathers in Sydney the gift of his body. You know that when Hugh got into the water, everybody had to run out and head to the bathroom because their crotches were about to explode. It was like a panty pudding fountain. Shit. You better check your own panty situation. It's probably covered in clitty litter. Mine is a lost cause. It's going right into the "burn pile."

There has to be something wrong with his ass. His dick must be all sorts of disappointing. I bet he suffers from cashew dick. It's probably small, curved and salty. Yeah, because I can't believe that his body is that perfect.

Hugh's Mrs. Claus-looking wife must have been some kind of saint in a past life to nab such a piece of hotness. If I was married to him, I would never leave his side. Ever. And if some slick bitch looked at him with lusty eyes, I'd shoot that ho. No joke.

Here's Hugh making genitals burst at the beach yesterday and out with his wifey the other night.