I declared to myself that Julianne Moore could do no wrong when I watched her tearfully cry out, "I sucked other men's cocks," in Magnolia, but she has done wrong for the first time in the history of forever.
At the Bvlgari Celebration of Elizabeth Taylor's Jewelry Collection in Beverly Hills last night, the ginger goddess wore a $6 million diamond and emerald necklace that Richard Burton gave to La Liz during the shooting of Cleopatra in Rome. Some source tells People that when Julianne walked into the room, everybody including Drew Barrymore, Kiki Dunst, Naomi Watts and Marisa Tomei stopped to stare at the necklace. Yeah, the entire room pressed pause, because they couldn't believe that Julianne wore that necklace with daytime hair, a red dress and beige heels. Who wears that necklace with beige heels?!
Who ever styled Julianne did her ass wrong in the worst way possible. The only way to wear that necklace is to wear it with a headdress made of hypodermic needles, e-cigarettes and an FTD bouquet.
That necklace just doesn't shine on Julianne Moore the same way it shined on Elizabeth Taylor. But maybe that's because Lindsay Lohan snatched the real one and replaced it with a replica made of beer bottle glass and Barbie earrings. That's probably the real case.
The Shrine Auditorium is still standing today and that means that Anne Hathaway won the SAG Award for Best Supporting Actress, because if she didn't she would've screamed and bawled until the entire building collapsed into a pile of dust and tears. To accept her 699th award of the year, the 15-year-old theater nerd trapped in the body of an Anne Hathaway wore a see-through skirt over a shorty cocktail dress covered in black aquarium rocks.
I don't know how to feel about this dress. On one hand, that skirt might be detachable and I have serious feelings about skirts that detach. It looks like something Lucille Ball would've worn to a funeral party in the 80s. On the other hand, methinks that skirt wasn't detachable, because if it was it would've detached itself from that annoying ass ho as she gave another annoying ass acceptance speech (click here to see it). Bitch is always out of breath and she tries really hard to come across as humble, but she's about as humble as Kanye West.
On a positive note, I am starting to like the mop on Anne Hathaway's head. She obviously goes to the same barber as John Krasinski. If she shaved her sides, she'd have Justin Timberlake hair. I bet during commercials breaks, Justin and Anne shared a flat iron and a can of AquaNet in the ladies lounge.
Here's a few pictures from last night's SAGs. In order!: Peter Pan in funeral drag, Jaimie Alexander, Dr. Blossom, Jessica Chastain, B. Coop, Marion Cotillard, Claire Danes, a construction worker, Michelle Dockery, Nurse Jackie, Tina Fey, Jennifer Garner, the owner of the Hammaconda with Jennifer Westfeldt, Julianne Marguiles, Taye Diggs with Idina Menzel, Julianne Moore, Amy Poehler, Amanda Seyfried, Timberlake, Sofia Vergara and Naomi Watts.
Here's Julianne Moore all dressed up in Sarah Palin drag for HBO's Game Change, which started shooting today. Game Change is all about John McCain's 2008 run for president from when he plucked Sarah Palin out of a bear rug's mouth to when he lost against Obama. Ed Harris is playing McCain, Woody Harrelson is playing McCain's senior campaign advisor and Melissa Farman is playing Bristol.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only thing I care about is who is playing my favorite pill-popping Republican ice queen goddess Cindy McCain?! I swear, if they screw up that casting... They better have cast a magnificent stone cold beauty with sparkling sapphire eyes like that of the silver-plated dolphin bracelet my third grade teacher always wore. You don't know how many times my third grade teacher said, "Oh, my great aunt left it to me when she passed." Ho, was your great aunt named Claire's, because you know that's where it came from!
Come to think of it, my third grade teacher's dolphin bracelet should play Cindy McCain! Or Sandra Lee. One of those.
What I mean by that is Helena Bonham Carter always shows up to the opening of WHATEVER looking like a Cyndi Lauper circa 1984 who dropped the wrong kind of acid and ended up in the bad part of Oz where a gang of junked up flying monkeys fucked her up before throwing her into a tornado of rainbow dust heading back home. I mean, HBC usually resembles a mound of taffeta getting butt fucked by a period dress from the Old Globe's costume shop. But yet, she showed up to the BAFTAs in London tonight wearing an ensemble from JcPenney's funeral matron collection. Totally normal!
Pretty sure my abuelita wore the exact same dress to every single funeral she ever went to. But my abuelita was stylish enough to pair it with beige Easy Spirits, a brown veil and a huge purse lined with paper towels (aka "her buffet visitin' purse"). Maybe Helena Bonham Carter held back, because she's saving up her energy for the Oscars in a couple of weeks. That's when she's really going to throw the fuckery down the carpet and put all those bland bitches to bed. Let's hope that's what's brewing up in her head, because I cannot accept this kind of behavior from her anymore!
So yeah, the BAFTAs were tonight and below is some of the winner's list:
Best Film: The King's Speech
Outstanding British Film: The King's Speech
Best Director: David Fincher, The Social Network
Best Foreign Language Film: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3
Best Leading Actor: Colin Firth, The King's Speech
Best Leading Actress: Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Best Supporting Actor: The King's Speech, Geoffrey Rush
Best Supporting Actress: Helena Bonham Carter, The King's Speech
The full list with all the nominees is here. And here's a few pictures from that shit. In order: HBC with Tim Burton, Amy Adams, Sarah Harding, Thandie Newton, Emma Watson, a graceful swan woman, Nicholas Hoult, James McAvoy, Mark Ruffalo with his wife Sunrise, Rupert Grint, Noomi Rapace, J.K. Rowling, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Tilda Swinton, Minnie Driver, Jane Goldman, Annette Bening, Eva Green, Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, Neve Campbell (making all of us feel OLD), MiserAlba (doing her best impersonation of a knocked up Natalie Portman since knocked up Natalie Portman wasn't there) and Gerard Slutler.
Natalie Portman's baby brewing area is going to grow into thousands of pixels before our very eyes in the next few weeks as she accepts Best ActressWhatever at every awards show for her performance in Mother May I Sleep With Mila Kunis? and last night she collected one of her first at the Critics' Choice Movie Awards. (Click here for all the winners)
Actually, let me snatch that back. Natalie is probably not going to win at The Christina Hendricks Awards tomorrow since they will find some way to sneak St. Angie into the Best Actress - Drama category at the last second. They will say that St. Angie's performance in The Tourist is covered with so many layers that she's worthy of comedy, drama and animation awards. They are up on her halo like that. So, Natalie, stay home in your Zac Posen pajama jeans tomorrow, because that shit is not yours to take.
But last night, Natalie wore that shit to accept her trophy. It sorts of looks like a motel bed sheet held up with electrical tape and that sounds like a hot look on paper, but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm too busy slobbering over that trophy to make a concrete decision. Every single trophy resembles a dildo to me and that one looks like it was manufactured by Krypton's most well-respected dick toy makers. Get me one!
Here's a few more pictures from last night's show. In oooorder: Natalie Hershlag,
Yanni Christian Bale, Emma Stone, Jon Hamm, Dr. Kevorkian (????), Julianne Moore, Tilda Swinton, Melissa Leo, Michelle Williams, Ryan Gosling, Senorita Jokerface, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban, Jeremy Renner, Lisa Rinna Helena Bonham Carter and Annette Bening with Warren Beatty.
Julianne Moore played a psychotic, pill-popping gold digger to completely perfection in Magnolia and she's an elite member of the ginger coven, so she can do no wrong....until now. Somebody throw a handful of Seroquels at that dress, because it's all sorts of bi-polar. The right side looks like a dress snatched from the "Inspired by Mad Men" rack at Ann Taylor Loft and the left side looks like something out of the Tootsie costume closet.
Julianne should've taken this Harvey Dent foolery all the way. I'm talking two different hairstyles (spiral curls on one side, crimped with beaded ends on the other), two different shoes (lucite heel on one side, chanklas on the other), two different kinds of make-up (the second coming of Xtina on one side and SANS FARDS on the other) and a different dude on each arm. COMMIT!
Here's more of Julianne and her two faces of fug dress at the Kids Are All Right premiere in London tonight with Mark Ruffalo.
Ever since I watched Julianne Moore make her tear ducts tremble outside of a court house in Boogie Nights, I've been a fan of her ability to cry hard like a repressed Catholic. Weep like my abuelita when no one is looking! Somebody else out there knows this and put together a montage of Julianne giving 20 different kind of cries for 20 different characters in 20 different movies.
To the little kid in front of me at the deli who bawled after his mom refused to buy him a Snickers, THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT! And to Lindsay Lohan who will probably have to cry in front of a judge tomorrow morning, THIS IS YOUR HOMEWORK!
via The Awl
Phoebe Price was obviously busy shooting covers for German Vogue, Italian InStyle, Elle Antarctica and Neptune GQ, because she should have posed as Ariel in the new Disney Dream series. She is Ariel! PP has said it herself and she would NEVER tell a lie.
Oh well! Julianne Moore was gracious enough to take PP's place as Ariel in The Little Mermaid portrait shot by Annie Leibovitz. Butterface Michael Phelps also posed a merman. I really hope he has a horse dick to match his horse face.
Julianne could have posed as Winnie the Pooh and I still would have loved it. The bitch is gold.
Madonna is leading the revolution of women over 45 spreading their crotches in photo shoots. Julianne Moore joined the revolution by letting out her crotch for the cover of May's Vogue Paris.
Julianne Moore could spread her ass cheeks and I would still be all over it. This woman can do no wrong. Although, I see a little copper wire popping out of her panties. Joooking.
She has a look on her face that is telling me she needs to push a queef out. Release it! The panties can take it. Even if they can't take it, a little strawberry panty pudding never hurt anyone.