Memaw Crotch

I've never been one of those whores who dry heave at the sight of bare feet, but I know some skanks who do. I knew some broad who in high school who would seriously start gagging every time she saw a completely bare foot. She could handle if it was in a flip flop, but not if it was just hanging out naked by itself. This bitch had a bad case of foot phobia. She couldn't even fuck a dude unless he wore socks! I asked her once, "Well, would you ever let a dude toe fuck you in the vag?" I thought the ho was going to shower herself with her own vom just to wash away the image of a big toe going into her cooze.

It's a good thing she wasn't at the Carouse of Hope Ball in Beverly Hills last night, because Lara Flynn Boyle kicked off her heels and walked the red carpet like she was fucking Joss Stone. Yeah, her shoes were probably bothering her hooves, but still. Have some consideration for the bitches around you who might suffer from severe foot phobia! I'm surprised Lara even has feeling in her feet, seeing as though she doesn't have feeling in her face. THAT FACE! She used to be the sexiest chick on TV and now she looks like hard silly putty.

Last night's Carousel of Hope Ball looked like "show off your new face night" at the fucking retirement village. There were enough wigs there to keep a tribe of performing drag queens going for years to come! Below are some of my favorite memaws from the night. Don't feel bad if you don't know any of these memaws and pepaws' names, because they probably don't know either.

Ladies and whores, in one corner we have Florence "Grouchy Granny Panties" Henderson and in the other we have Cloris "Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time" Leachman! Actually, add a few more hating bitches to Florence's corner. It seems that everyone is getting sick of Cloris' crazy memaw shtick on DWTS.

Mrs. Brady told Life & Style (via LA Times) that 82-year-old Cloris is an embarrassment to memaws. She said, "I hope the audience doesn’t think all older people act like her. I love Cloris, but sometimes she acts like she’s not all there, or she’s wandering around the ballroom acting silly."

Florence needs to add a little rum to her Ovaltine. It might lighten her up a bit. Cloris acts like she's not all there, because she's not! She's always on Planet I Don't Give A Fuck and that makes for some good entertainment!

Florence isn't alone. The Chicago Sun-Times reports that a bunch of whores working on the show want Cloris to beat it. A source said that Susan Lucci and robot Samantha Harris are both sick of better dancers being sent to the glue factory instead of Cloris.

The source said, ''We thought it would be fun to have Cloris on ... and expected her to maybe make it through one or two weeks. But now it's gone from people being amused -- similar to the way it was with Jerry Springer -- to being downright concerned."

Stick your dick in a blender and press pulse. The show is not that serious! It's a stupid reality show featuring has-beens and never-was-es! They aren't working on a respectable reality show like "Rock of Love." They are all just jealous, because Cloris is the star!

That said, they need to settle this on the finale with a.....CAGE FIGHT! Cloris versus all of those ugly ass complainers! She'll mop the floor with all of them! Of course, she'll save CHERYL BURKE for last, because her MOP HEAD will get those tough to reach spots.

Every hour there's a new story about Guy and Vadge's dirty divorce. You know Vadge is busting loads of panty pudding over all the publicity. She probably lays all the newspaper clippings out on the bed and rubs her roid-cooze all over them. Attention should be that bitch's third husband. That marriage would last forever.

There's a lot of stories and rumors out there, so I'm just going to break it down for you in list form. Lists make everything seem so dramatic. So do exclamation points, so I'll throw lots of those in.

V cares more about her personal trainer than her own husband!!

V slathers her body in fancy creams and then covers herself in a plastic bodysuit every night!!

V completely controls the house including what they eat. Only macrobiotic shit! G had to drink his evening tea with rice milk! V doesn't allow dairy or sugar in her house!

V doesn't allow TV!!!!!!

When they went out to dinner at restaurants, V didn't trust the chefs, so she usually just drank a glass of water!

V works on her fitness at least 2 hours a day including holidays!

V turned to full-on plastic surgery in order to look younger for G.

G is constantly cruel to V! He told her that she looks like a granny!

G has made V feel worthless, unattractive, unfeminine, insecure and isolated!!!

G told V that she sucks as an actress!

G would check out other hos in front of V. G would also make fun of her in front of their friends!

G wants Rocco to live with him in London! V wants all her children in NYC with her!!!!

G will get at least $40 million in the divorce as well as their London pub and the country estate!

Cue dramatic chipmunk! In addition to all these not-so-shocking claims, Guy's old daddy is speaking out about Vadge calling his son "emotionally retarded" at a concert in Boston. 78-year-old John Ritchie tells The Daily Mail, 'She is being beastly. She's calling him an emotional retard. When he's being bashed by her it's horrid."

Pepaw Ritchie better watch it. That beast can tear him into a million pieces with just one swipe from her titanium labia lips of death!

Click here, here and here if you want to read more about this shit. I'm sure 50 new rumors will pop up as soon as I hit publish.

For a quick second, I really thought this was HoHan, but then I noticed that she's not the perfect shade of colonic fluid, so it couldn't be her. It's 95-year-old Dyan Cannon! Okay, she's really 71, but she's been around forever. I think she was in one of the first talkies.

I fucking love her. She had waffle hair way before HoHan or Vadge.

Here's a few more of HoHan's younger sister being hot at The Ivy yesterday.

Cloris Leachman MUST win "Dancing with the Has-Beens." Better yet, they should just change the name of the show to "Dancing with Cloris" and send the rest of those boring skanks back to the unemployment line. Well, everyone except Susan Lucci and CHERYL BURKE!! I feel like I need to see more of La Lucci's Marilyn Monroe impersonation. I'm just waiting for the night where she looks at the judges and coos, "Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul," and then bursts into "I Wanna Be Loved By You."

And every show needs a villain and that's what CHERYL BURKE is there for. I just want to take her sausage thighs and wrap them around the base of her mop head. I HATE HER! Breathe...Michael.....Ok. Back to the star of the show!

Cloris' did not disappoint last night! It was like watching the episode of "I Love Lucy" where Lucy sneaks into the audition to become one of Ricky's dancers and hilarity ensues! Cloris doesn't really dance. She just stumbles around the stage like a drunk memaw looking for more booze. She's the main reason to watch this shit show.

I think Kim KardASSIAN is going home tonight. She proved just how useless she really is. She has an ass that will make any thong cry and she doesn't even know how to use it! She should be able to clap for herself with an ass like that.

The hottest coochie coochie in the business was out with her husband in Hollywood last night. They were walking around some parking lot. I think that's how a lot of old folks spend their time. They dance around in parking lots, talking to strangers.

Charo is legend and I would ride down the rainbows that come pouring out of her chocha, but why did she wear those shoes with that top?! The better question is: "Why do I give a donkey's dong?!"

And her husband is basically over it. He looks like he's ready for an oatmeal bath and a warm beer. Over it. He's thinking, "If I have to hear her say 'coochie coochie' one more fucking time...."

P.S. - Yes, it is a very slooooooooowwww day.

Erica Kane has been announced as just one of the bitches who will dance for some broke ass trophy in "Dancing with the Has Beens" this season. Although, they will have to change the name to "Dancing with the Has Beens and La Lucci...and Cloris Leachman." Yes, 82-year-old Cloris will also shake her grand memaw crotch on the dance floor. Methinks Erica Kane and Frau Blücher will battle it out in the end! It's the year of the memaw. I can feel it.

Even though Kim KardASSIAN effed up her foot last night, she will still dance! Does she realize that the dance floor doesn't have a strip pole? Kim said she didn't cut her foot on a glass coffee table. She cut it on a broken mirror underneath a desk. She said she tried to push away with her foot and got cut up. So I guess it is true. Her fat ass got all the brains.

Here's the rest of the cast with who they are partnered with:

Toni Braxton (with Alec Mazo), singer, 40 - Expect a lot of super slutty costumes.
Lance Bass (with Lacey Schwimmer) ultra gay singer, 29 - Lacey and Lance?! I'm already annoyed.
Ted McGinley (with Inna Brayer) Jefferson D'Arcy, 50 - But can he do the Bundy Bounce?
Cloris Leachman (with Corky Ballas) Frau Blücher, 82 - YES!!
Warren Sapp (with Kym Johnson) NFL sports person, 35 - NEXT!!!
Rocco DiSpirito (with Karina Smirnoff) flaming chef, 31 - So there's TWO gays this season!
Kim Kardashian (with Mark Ballas) amateur porn star with a fat ass, 27 - SKANK!
Maurice Green ( with CHERYL BURKE!!!) Olympic sports person, 34 - Eh!
Misty May-Treanor (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy) Olympic sports person, 31 - Maksim is finally back!
Susan Lucci (with Tony Dovolani) LEGEND!, 61 - THE WINNER!
Jeffrey Ross (with Edyta Sliwinska) comedian, 42 - Heh?
Cody Linley (with Julianne Hough) Disney whore, 18 - No.
Brooke Burke (with Derek Hough) big tittied robot, 36 - First bitch to go!

Fuckity fuck fuck! Just when my brains were starting to forget about that annoying mop head Cheryl Burke, she returns! La Lucci better sweep with the dance floor with Mop Head! And Rocco and Lance are totally going to do the horizontal mambo off the dance floor.

Source

The Vadge's roided-up vag returned to the stage tonight in all its muscly glory! This 50-year-old woman seriously has a fucking six-pack on her gooch! It's insane! She probably has muscles on her teeth!

Vadge's "Dry & Sour Sticky & Sweet" tour opened up in Cardiff, Walsh tonight. 40,000 vadgeloonies watched as she thrusted her memaw crotch and flexed her veins. I better not joke. This bitch's pussy bone could probably beat the fuck out of me. Shit, if Vadge's pussy bone was in a fight with a tiger, shark and grizzly bear - her pussy bone would win in 10-seconds flat. I don't know how she can hold that microphone without breaking it into a million pieces. It must be made out of Kryptonite.

Anyroidy, Brit Brit's video played during the show as expected. Click here to see that mess. It's nothing we haven't seen before. It's just Brit going crazy in an elevator and then saying "Tt's Britney bitch" at the end. It's probably just from her home movies. Vadge really should have gotten Chrissy Crocker to do this shit instead.

Here's many more pictures of Vadge and her powerful memaw crotch. She also wore some heart-shaped Lolita sunglasses. More like Old-lita. Oh damn! Her memaw crotch is coming for me!

Next to In-N-Out (see below), Angelyne is my favorite thing about Los Angeles. The Billboard Queen proves that just because you're 150, doesn't mean you have to dress like it!

Angelyne is truly a precious daffodil blowing in the summer breeze. The only thing missing from her luxurious ensemble is a pair of Shauna Sand's exquisite lucite heels.

Did you know Dyan Cannon, star of "Heaven Can Wait," is like a 100 years old or something? Ok, she's really 71, but still! She looks hot for someone that was born during the Great Depression! I wonder if she lived in Hooverville?

She was also Cary Grant's fourth wife! Ancient! Anciently hot. Yes, I know she's been under the knife at least a dozen times, but she hasn't crossed over into Joan Van Ark territory, yet. I remember when I saw her on "Ally McBeal," and found out she was like 60 at the time! Memaw with a sexy bod.

Anyway, here's the total GILF leaving Mr. Chow on Thursday night. I also threw in some pictures of that old bag Doris Roberts. She's only 6 or 7 years older than Dyan.