Memaw Crotch

As Baby Brahim and Casper Smart had a toddler slap flight in the backstage daycare area at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, his sugar mami accepted an award for being the top touring act of 2012. Everybody bow downed to the zombie vampire queen as she showed us the finger she uses to pop one of Baby Brahim's stubborn doody bubbles. She's maternal like that. And here's Madge taking off those pretentious cataract sunglasses while accepting her trophy, which looks like Tommy Lee's gilded dick:

Yes, several pairs of fetus ass cheeks were used to make Madge's newest face and she looks like a pimp who has fallen on hard times and had to get an extra job as a morning-shift stripper, but she still looks hotter than Ke$hit (although, that's not hard to do)!

Here's the video for Madge's new single "Turn Up The Radio (Because My Hearing Aid Ain't Working))" and it's kind of like Driving Miss Daisy if Driving Miss Daisy took place in Florence, Italy and had 100% less Morgan Freeman and 100% more Madge crotch, turning hitchhikers in suits and man nipples. The song scrapes the skin off of my ear holes, because for some reason she sounds like a chipmunk on helium doing a baby voice and the video looks like it was ran through a few Instagram filters, but Madge is looking hot here. I'm probably only saying that because she's starting to look like Taylor Swift's pussy in the face.

Granny porn alert! At around the 2:50 mark in the video above, Madge flashes Baby Brahim's pacifier of choice at the audience while performing "Human Nature" in Istanbul last Thursday night. Leave it to Madge to show all of us that you're never too damn old to give your subjects some titty. I know that most of us have seen Madge's nipple more times than we've seen our own, but it was either this or post censored pictures of Snooki's naked and shaven Ewok body. I'm not trying to get busted for posting bestiality porn, so I think I made the right choice.

And since YouTube is prejudiced against lady nipples, the video might get taken down. If it does, (NSFW) click here some of Madge's peek-a-titty action.

(Thanks to Tim & Nyn for sending this in)

File this under: Some All About Eve shit.

Madge will start twerking her muscled prune crotch for the children in her MDNA tour in Tel Aviv this Thursday, and over the weekend someone uploaded rehearsal footage (via HuffPo) of her showing us that some things get better with age, like all-natural cuntiness. Remember when the gays had to take sides (I chose the side marked "Stacey Q FOREVER") after Lady CaCa Xerox copied "Express Yourself" and labeled it "Born This Way"? Well, Madge is keeping the bitchiness going by performing a mash-up (I like to call the Reductive Remix) of "Express Yourself" and "Born This Way" followed by "She's Not Me." If that isn't a subtle chancleta slap to the tuck, I don't know what is. Madge earned a AARP black card for that brilliant cunt stunt move. Do it, Madge! Put that copy + paste bitch in her place and let her know that abuelitas are never EVER the one.

Here's a few pictures of Madge giving us some Granny Got Your Gun moves during rehearsal two days ago.

Obviously, I lie telled in the post below, because Madge's Darth Vadar crotch had a starring role in tonight's Super Bowl halftime show. I don't know whether Madge's dark spirit is trying to exorcise itself out of her eye sockets via her neck veins or if it's trying to escape through her gargoyle snatch. The only thing I know is that if I were wearing a crucifix around my neck, it would've turned upside down before exploding into dust. Somebody get the priest and a gallon of holy water, but this is some serious dark-sidedness.

via Buzzfeed

After weeks of rumors, NBC officially announced yesterday that Animal Planet won't be the only ones who will have a pussy spazzing out during their halftime show. Madge will pop her crotch and put censors on labia slip watch during the Super Bowl XLVI halftime show on Feb. 5 in Indianapolis. Prudish parents better have a good explanation ready for when their innocent snowflake asks, "Why is a charred firework snake sneaking out of that old lady's bloomers?" While those parents look to the Witch of Endor section in the Bible for an explanation, you can read the full press release:

MADONNA, a multi Grammy Award-winning Universal Records recording artist, will perform in the BRIDGESTONE SUPER BOWL XLVI HALFTIME SHOW on NBC at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis on Sunday, February 5, the NFL and NBC announced during tonight’s Sunday Night Football game between the New Orleans Saints and Detroit Lions. Madonna’s performance will be imagined by CIRQUE DU SOLEIL and JAMIE KING. The Bridgestone Super Bowl halftime show is the most-watched musical event of the year. More than 162 million viewers in the U.S. watched last year’s show. The Super Bowl and halftime show will be broadcast worldwide. Madonna joins an esteemed list of recent halftime acts that includes The Black Eyed Peas, The Who, Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Prince, the Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney and U2.

A world class entertainer, singer, songwriter, producer, director and video visionary, Madonna has sold more than 300 million records in the course of her three decade career as The Material Girl. She is a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee. Her last tour was the most successful tour by a solo artist in history. Madonna is currently in the recording studio working on a new album scheduled to be released next year. Her new film W.E. which she directed, wrote and produced is opening in a limited one week release December 9 in Los Angeles and will open nationally on February 3, two days prior to Super Bowl XLVI. Madonna has partnered with a creative team from Cirque du Soleil, Jamie King, and multimedia artists from Moment Factory, to create a signature performance for the BRIDGESTONE SUPER BOWL XLVI HALFTIME SHOW. This year marks the fifth time Bridgestone Americas has sponsored the Super Bowl halftime show. The tire company’s new brand campaign, fittingly titled “Time to Perform,” will debut during the game. The BRIDGESTONE SUPER BOWL XLVI HALFTIME SHOW is an NFL NETWORK PRODUCTION and will be executive produced by RICKY KIRSHNER and directed by HAMISH HAMILTON.

Wait. Hold my dildo. This press release changes EVERYTHING. Thee Ja'mie King of Summer Heights High will imagine this show? Finally, the robot shit stain left on the Super Bowl from this year's dreadful Black Eyed Peas show will be wiped away with Ja'mie's signature hot moves:

And here's Madge throwing a not-so-subtle TAKE THAT to stache waxers at the screening of her movie W.E. in NYC last night.

Back in 2009, several hos nearly knocked their hairlines up a few inches when they raised both brows over a then 19-year-old Aaron Johnson of Kick-Ass getting engaged to a then 42-year-old Sam Taylor-Wood. Hairlines crept up even further when Sam birthed out their first daughter Wylda Rae on July 7th of last year. And now Aaron is going to be a two time daddy at the age of 21, because Sam's 44-year-old womb is full of a fetus that is closer in age to its daddy than its mom is. So now instead of strangers saying to Sam "Your two children are so beautiful," she will now hear, "Your THREE children are so beautiful."

Sam's rep tells People that her fourth child, and Aaron's second, will fall off of her vagina slide later this year.

You know, if I was a 44-year-old movie director who looks like Toni Collette in a fun house mirror, I too would clasp around some 21-year-old dick and not let go until a baby head pushed it out. It's a win/win for Sam. Aaron's only 21 so he's got the natural energy to bottle feed the babies all day and then still have enough in him to peen feed Sam's chocha at night. So what if Aaron is obviously going to drop that cougar for a kitten in a couple of years, I say get that dick while it's hot.

My skin is almost the same shade as Matthew McConaughey's after laying my eyeballs on these pictures of his mother Kay McCabe raising her dress (from Coldwater Creek's Freak in the Streets Collection) and flashing her nude chonies at the Hollywood premiere of Abraham Lincoln Log Lawyer (or whatever the hell that shit is called) last night. Sometimes when there's not a subway grate around for you to stand over, you have to create your own Some Like It Hot moment. The best part is that Kay served up her goodies while posing next to her son Rooster. Rooster is like, "Cock-a-doodle-don't, mom!" But thank the hell she cock-a-doodle-did, because Kay definitely brought the heat. If this is what happens when you mix Metamucil and Four Loko, serve it to all of our grannies and grandpas!

A little warning though: you might want to cut eye holes in a fireproof blanket and throw it over your head before looking at all these pictures of Kay. Because if you don't, the fire blowing off of Kay's legs will leave you with the complexion of burnt Indian clay like Matthew McConaughey, and now me.

And believe it or not, other people actually showed up to last night's premiere even though Kay is really the one who matters. In order-ish: Matthew McGreasyhey, Camila Alves, Frances Fisher, Miss Kay with Rooster and Ryan Phillipe.

Lady Caca can have the silicone Klingon wishbones on her forehead, but the original Madonna is showing her how to keep it simply elegant by lifting, separating and stuffing her 52-year-old labia into a one-piece that a trampy granny wears when the plumber comes to visit. MONA ROBINSON, eat this!

This is the kind of hot outfit that Blanche Devereaux wore to give a dying lover his last rites, among other things. And Vadge pairing it with a vest made of Baby Jesus' conditioned nut hairs was a good move.

Here's more of Madge bringing her vadge out of hibernation and flashing her first-degree Joan Rivers face with Lourdes at Vanity Fair's post-Oscar party last night. And the Miss Cleo in me can read your thoughts. Why would Lourdes be embarrassed? Just like us, she's used to her mom dressing like a horny old ho.

With a stunned and shocked look on his face mostly seen on the mugs of Madge's pieces right after they directly stare into the eye of her deadly cyclops crotch, 24-year-old back-up dancer Brahim Zaibat made his way out of the Aura night club in London last night after spending time with his new diaper changer inside.

Earlier, my ass was going on and on about Madge bumping assholes with a different Brahim. A 33-year-old choreographer named Brahim Rachiki. Well, I guess there was a mix-up at the boy toy nursery, because this is the real Brahim who is chupa-ing on Madge's vag. Glad that is all cleared up!

And at least we don't have to trash the "Welcome Home, Baby Brahim" sign we're going to tape on Madge's garage door before Brahim's arrival.