Scientology

Tommy Girl's Scientolohole must be screaming into a bowl of ice cream this morning, because his Church of Aliens has lost a famous member. Paul Haggis (the Oscar-winning director of Crash) has spit out the barley, turned in his foil cap and delivered a giant "fuck you" to L. Ron Hubbard. After being a member for 35 years, Paul is leaving the crazy, because he's sick of their constant gay bashing and for denying the "disconnect policy" which states that Scientologists have to cut off bitches who don't believe that thetans live inside our pores (or something).

Paul addressed the letter to the Church of Scientology's insane spokesalien Tommy Davis (son of Anne Archer). Paul states that he was very vocal about his disappointment with Scientology's support of Prop 8. Paul also mentions an interview Tommy Davis gave to CNN where he denied that existence of the "disconnect policy." This made Paul's nipples burn with anger, because his own wife was forced to say "peace out" to her parents after they left the alien-loving cult.

The letter, which was originally published on Mark Rathbun's site, is after the jump. It pretty much speaks for itself. I don't think Paul deserved an Oscar for Crash, but he definitely deserves one for this letter, so we're even now. And how much do you want to make a bet that Tommy Girl is now calling Paul Haggis "Paul Faggis."? Tommy is a master at insults! JUMP!!!

Most of us know that Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, has been hypnotized by the alien evil lords. One year, she gave Scientology her entire year's salary: $10 million. But now she has gone too far. Nancy has dragged Bart into this fucking trainwreck! Or should I say spaceshipwreck?

Nancy is robo-calling for Scientology using the voice of Bart. Even my ears screamed "OH MY XENU."

Homer needs to come get his child and choke the L. Ron Hubbard out of him! And Matt and Fox need to come their lawyers so they can sue the fuck out of this crazy troll.

Poor Bart. I wonder what kind of shit Scientology has on him now?

That circle jerk with Milhouse and Martin was just meaningless experimenting, Bart. It won't ruin your career, because we won't hold it against you. Just step away from the aliens....

VIA Village Voice

Tommy Girl said that he's no longer opening up his shit hole about evil anti-depressants, but it looks like he passed down the batshit crazy torch to fellow Scientologist Bijou Phillips. Bijou has some advice for any of you who suffer from a severe case of the sads: stop being such a pussy and get the fuck over it! Basically.

In the new issue of Paper (via UsWeekly), Bijou said, "My grandparents didn't take any pills, and they were fine. Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a fucking pansy."

This is coming from a bitch whose whole family has self-medicated with the street anti-depressant know as CRACK (and a bunch of other shit too). Why doesn't she tell her sister Mackenzie to just get over being a damn crackhead. You know, eat a barley cookie, shake off the shakes and move on.

I wish Bijou would just buck up and get over being such a dumbstupidwhorecuntslutdickhead, but that's not going to happen.

And since we're on the subject of Bijou, I want to quote one of my favorite comments ever left by a commenter on this site a while ago. They said: "Bijou Phillips would fuck a snake!" No truer words have ever been written. And she would totally fuck a depressed snake too.

Roger Friedman of Fox News wrote about Will Smith's charitable foundation "just-released" tax returns. You probably can't get a hold of a personal tax return, but if you should happen to come across mine, all those large purchases I wrote off from an establishment called The Pink PussyCat were for research, ok? RESEARCH! Ask my no-no, he's my witness.

So Will Smith has shouted through the streets that he is not a Scientologist. He's just letting one slurp on his chode every now and again. Even though Will claims he's not in bed with the alien crazies (you know what I mean), he donated around $122,000 to Scientology this year. Specifically, he gave up $67k to the New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Fund, $50k to Scientologoy's Celebrity Centre in Hollywood and another $5k to something called ABLE which is a Scientology offshoot.

I'm guessing that ABLE stands for Anal Bottoms Lacking Enemas. It's the charity closest to Tommy's heart...or his asshole in this case.

Last year, Will and his beard donated some cash to a private school that teaches some Scientology shit.

What does this all mean? Well, it means that Will is either a barley water drinking, couch jumping, Xenu obsessing Scientologist or........or nothing. He's totally in the Don't Be Glib Club.

This is some weird news, but I guess since it happened on the grounds of the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood, it's not so weird?

A man in his 40s drove up to the Centre in a red convertible yesterday afternoon. He got out of his car and approached three security guards carrying two 5-foot samurai swords in each hand. This shit sounds like just a regular afternoon down in Tommy Girl's sex dungeon. Unfortunately, it was not and one of the security guards shot the man with a semiautomatic handgun. According to the police, the surveillance video showed the man waving the swords at the guards. One of the HBICs of the LAPD said, "The evidence is very clear the security officers were defending their safety."

The police said that the man was involved with the Scientologists a long time ago, but they aren't sure what his relationship was with them.

Was shooting the dude really necessary? Couldn't they taser him or better yet, sic Jenna Elfman's crazy ass on him.

And it's nice to know that "so-called church" guards are carrying guns. Does this mean that nuns carry glocks in their garters?

Source

Turn to the right, Stepford Katie! Look at the girl you used to be. The girl who had apple pie in her eyes instead of barley water. Sigh. Katie can't see it. Even if she did turn, she doesn't see Joey Potter, she just sees Tommy Girl dancing around in his chonies and platform sneakers. He's programmed that in her. Oh well. I give the autograph hunter a gold star for trying.

Last night was the opening night for Stepford Katie's Broadway debut in "All My Sons." For fucking real. This shit has barely opened officially. I feel like it's been playing for centuries. It got mixed reviews and USA Today said Katie's performance is "one-note." What do they expect? She's a robot! She can't help it. Damn.

As expected, the anti-Scientology group Anonymous were there in masks to protest the alien crazies. The police pushed them down the street to keep them away from Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie, but their shouting could still be heard from the red carpet.

Here's a few pictures of 50-year-old Katie and Tommy last night. That old lady genie outfit thing is her own design. That pretty much explains the whole thing. "Project Run-KATIE-RUN!!" Tommy has the same outfit in hot pink.

In an interview with The Daily Beast, JLo (ironic, right?) talks about and defends Scientology, but denies being a member. Her daddy and a bunch of her friends including Leah Remini are card carrying members of Tommy Girl's band of alien crazies.

JLo said, “I do know a lot about Scientology. And I know about the practices. I know all about what the technology is and all that kind of stuff. It’s very helpful. So in a sense, yeah, you do call on it.” When asked if she's an alien worshipper, she said, “No…I wouldn't have a problem saying [I was] because I know what it is. I have no problems with it and it really actually bothers me that people have such a negative feeling towards it.”

And would JLo ever consider putting her Dragon Tales Twins in Scientology school? “Yeah. I wouldn’t mind. Not at all. Because I know that the technologies that they have are very helpful…It’s all about communication. That’s the thing I really don’t like about talking about this. I do know so many great people who do do it, who choose it as a lifestyle and really follow it and it is their religion…I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.”

JLo, it's okay. Have Tommy Girl call Oprah, so that you can go on her show, jump on her couch and finally tell the world that you love barley water and aliens. It's fine.

You know how else I can tell she's a Scientologist? She's starting to get a little frumpy in the hair. That's one of the first things to go! Look at Katie Holmes. She had cute hair until she hooked up with Tommy Girl. Now her weepy mop looks like it could use a huge shot of Prozac. But that will never happen....

Visit The Daily Beast to read the rest of JLo's interview. She talks about her nervous breakdown, selling her baby pictures for $6 million and once again tries to convince us that she's still just Jenny from the Block.

And here's a few pictures of JLo with old lady hair and a memaw dress at an event for Elle Magazine in Los Angeles last night.

Is there a new celebrity member of the alien army?! Star Magazine (via SFGate) reports that thanks to Juliette Lewis, Pink may be dipping her butchie toes into Tommy Girl's crazy pool. Juliette introduced Pink to Scientology because she felt it might help her deal with the depression from her marriage ending.

A source said, "Pink is in the beginning stages of checking out the religion, but she has taken to it and she wants to get more involved."

If Pink is blue because of her heart being broken and all, why doesn't she deal with it the way most of us deal with it? Watch a lot of porn, eat a lot of shit food and get yourself a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Those things always make me laugh. I mean, he giggles when you touch him in the belly! What's better than that?

Tommy Girl's caca slide is probably salivating at the thought of Pink joining his crew. John Travolta just doesn't know how to work a strap-on. It keeps slipping out, ruining the moment. Tommy Girl knows that Pink can bust a hole with her strap-on skills. And Pink isn't allergic to ASS DUST!

Suri Cruise celebrated her second year alive with an alien themed Birthday party yesterday. It wasn't really "alien themed," but there were tons of Scientologists there, so it's the same thing. I see that Tommy Girl wore his special platform white sneakers for this occasion. You know he got those at Lady Footlocker.

Tommy also brought Connor and Isabel out of hiding to attend the Birthday party. Nicole Kidman couldn't make it, because she doesn't give a shit.

How much do you want to make a bet that Tommy is going to try and pass off Suri's little doll as his next child. They are made from the same parts. Could be believable.