Suri Suri

I get that kids get attached to certain toys, dolls and other shit. When I was a kid, I had this Cabbage Patch doll who would never leave my side. Over the years, the doll became dirtier and dirtier. His yarn hair fell out and he probably had snot and drool on every inch of his plastic body. If you put my doll under a microscope, you could probably witness a germ orgy. My mom would always try and get rid of it, but I'd scream and cry if it never left my side. Okay, I wasn't a kid. I was 20. And yes, it still sleeps with me.

Back to Suri. There may be a reason why she's so in love with that busted doll. Star Magazine reports that Suri doesn't have any little friends, because Tommy Girl and Katie keep her away from other children. A source said that Katie takes Suri to play at a gym...by herself! The source said: "Suri takes a private class in a room in the back of the gym. I have never seen her play with any of the other kids." The source also said that when Suri is around other kids, she doesn't know how to play and she doesn't like share. What kid does?

Okay, that's fine and everything, but can't they get her a prettier doll? That doll needs a Glamour Shots makeover. And while the doll is at it, it should drag Stepford Katie with it. Homebot is starting to look like Shelley Duvall towards the end of "The Shining."

It's only a matter of time before we see Suri Cruise wearing matching jeans and sneakers. She can just borrow Tommy Girl's Bugle Boys. Their practically the same size. Seriously, is this some Scientology uniform or something? Alien jeans!

These two never fail to creep me the fuck out. They give me throat palpitations. And Tommy might as well as wear his seven-inch platform pink patent leather boots (you know he has some) because his lifts aren't very subtle.

Here they are whoring themselves out for some pap attention in NYC last night. They are always dragging Suri out at night. She wants to be at home watching "Small Wonder," not bouncing around town with these two freaks.

Tommy Girl in a superhero movie? Unless it's "Supergirl" and he's in the title role, I'm not interested. I mean, he has the costume for it and everything.

Instead of following his destiny by playing "Supergirl," Tommy Girl will star in DC Comics "Sleeper" for Warner Bros. Sam Raimi will produce this mess. Warner Bros. is also hoping to turn it into a franchise. Currently no writer or director is attached to the project.

The Hollywood Reporter has more details on this shit fest:

Written by Ed Brubaker with art by Sean Phillips, "Sleeper," which ran from 2003-05, centers on an operative whose fusion with an alien artifact makes him impervious to pain and allows him to pass it on to others through skin contact. He is placed undercover in a villainous organization by an intelligence agency and falls for a member of the group, named Miss Misery.

Alien artifact? Are we sure this isn't called "The Tommy Girl" story? That synopsis sounds like it was ripped from the pages of his future autobiography.

Screw Tommy and his stupid movies! Suri is the one that should be on the silver screen. Look at her in these pictures below. She's the star of that family!

She's totally having an intense conversation with that doll. She's probably interviewing it for the position of her sibling. It's nice of Katie and Tommy to include Suri in the process.

Let's just ignore the huge, fugly elephant from the late 1980s in the room and focus on something else. Let's talk about why everyone thinks Stepford Katie is knocked up. I don't buy it. It's just barley bloat. Besides, Tommy Girl probably drank up the rest of L. Ron Hubbard's frozen baby batter.

On a sweeter note (I can be sweet), Little Suri is pretty damn adorable and you know how I feel about children-types. I'm also tempted to e-mail Tommy and ask for Suri's blueprints so that I can build my own!

First of all, that cop is kind of hot. Second of all, where in the planet is Tommy Girl? Maybe he's visiting his home planet. We've seen Stepford Katie's every move, and now Suri, but where is Tommy?! That midget alien lives for this kind of attention. He's probably healing from his anal rejuvenation surgery. It takes a few days to recuperate. Or so I've heard.....

Katie, sans her signature pegged jeans, took Suri to see "The Little Mermaid" on Broadway last night. You know that shit. The story of the cute mermaid girl who changes herself in order to live with some creepy prince in some fancy castle. Sound familiar?

Since we're talking about The Little Mermaid, here's my favorite part of the movie. The minister must have popped Viagra before the ceremony.

DOES NOT COMPUTE. Stepford Katie and the cutest little robot since Vicki visited a park in NYC yesterday while Tommy Girl was getting his daily prosty tickle back at their apartment.

Yes, Suri is still on the bottle. Leave Suri alooooooone! It's the only way she can deal with all the crazy aliens she's always around. When Tommy fills her bottle with barley water, she sneaks in a little miracle water aka vodka. That's why she's always drinking from that shit! That's why she's looking at Stepford Katie like, "Youuuu knoww what your problemmmm isssss...."

Katie really, really needs to learn how to tight-roll properly. That shit is a joke. If you're going to bring it back, do it right.

Does Tommy Girl put a scoop of Miracle-Gro in Suri's barley water bottle, because homegirl got tall. Tommy Girl is going to need some platform heels. 2-year-old Suri is going to be as tall as him by next year.

Yes, she's still on the bottle. She's going to be on the bottle for the next 60 years, so we just need to deal with it. I bet you Tommy Girl is still on the bottle. He sucks in the privacy of his own dungeon, though.

It's also a miracle that they let Suri walk. She has no idea what to do. They haven't perfected that program yet.

Here's TG, Suri and Stepford Katie on the set of "Eli Stone" yesterday. Katie is currently shooting a cameo on the show. Is she playing Liza Minnelli or an HGTV host? That fucking hair.

How is Suri functioning without a full bottle of barley water? They are probably injecting her ass with it, because they get so much crap for keeping her on the bottle. Suri needs her barley fix! Suri also needs to call up Ken Paves on her robot phone and schedule an appointment STAT! She needs to cut that alien bob. Homegirl needs her own identity. She's looking like Tommy Girl Jr. and that is not good for her reputation.

Here's Suri, Tommy Girl, Katie and Katie's parents getting into a hearse in Beverly Hills last night. Suri's memaw looks like Jane Lynch in a silver wig. Shit, it probably IS Jane Lynch. Tommy Girl cast her ass to play Katie's mommy.

Tommy Girl dragged the whole clan out yesterday to see his man, David Beckham, play that sport where they kick a ball around. Tommy wants to be that ball soooo bad. It was nice of Tommy to let Isabella and Connor out of their alien cages. He made them come to the game or else they would have to spend 6-months at Scientology camp. They are still having nightmares over the last time they were there.

Katie's hair is looking more and more "Stepford Wifey" each day. One day she's going to show up wearing and apron and carrying a fresh baked apple pie. They creep me the fuck out! These pictures look like stills from "The Others."

Tommy Cruise never lets go of Katie. NEVER. He's either grasping her hand or holding her back. The bitch cannot keep his hands off of her. He might as well put a leash on her. Better yet, install LoJack in her ass. If Katie wasn't a robot, she would probably tell him to step the fuck off.

The twin aliens went to see "The Country Girl" on Broadway last night. Please. You know Tommy Girl really wanted to go see Xanadu. He totally knows all the steps and songs. I know I do. Well, I'm gay. We know these things.

Here's also some pics of TomKat with Suri boarding a helicopter earlier today. If Tommy wasn't busy trying to keep Katie from running away, he'd notice that Suri isn't wearing shoes. The precious robot is cold! Put some Uggs on those feetsies. Damn.