Suri Suri

Suri Cruise was forced to pose in yet another photo-op with her evil alien warlord daddy in the East Village part of NYC yesterday when she tried to make a run for it! She should have just kicked him in the vagina bone.

Don't get your robot hopes down, Suri. You'll be taller than Tommy Girl in a couple of years and you can try again then.

Homegirl was trying to run to the nearest clothing store so she can change out of that American Girl doll dress and buy a sweater or something. Maybe I'm just talking caca like usual and she's not freezing cold. Does barley water warm your blood?

Here's more of Tommy Girl and Suri posing for the paps yesterday. Tommy might as well set up a damn photo booth with Suri in it for people to take turns taking pictures of her. Damn. I hope Suri is getting paid a lot for dealing with this fuckery.

No. Katie Holmes should never be allowed to sing outside of Tommy's soundproof Scientology dungeon. She should not sing or try to dance anywhere else. It's making L. Ron Hubbard angry and Tommy doesn't want to do that.

Above is a clip from "Eli Stone" of Stepford Katie trying way too hard to bring the sexy while bouncing around and shrieking. If you're going to watch it, turn the volume down unless you want to set off a few car alarms or open your garage door. Okay, the last part of her singing isn't that bad, but the whole thing is just really awkward. Tommy Girl should have done this shit instead. He definitely would have brought the big girl sexiness the role required.

Below are some pictures of Katie and Suri shopping around yesterday. In the last thumbnail, I think Katie is trying to sing a lullaby to Suri and she doesn't approve.

Keep running, Suri! Don't stop. Run away from the barley water, the shoe lifts, the word "glib," and Johnny Travolta's dead cat wig. Run away from all of it and don't look back. Don't fret about Stepford Katie. She'll follow you. That's what she's best at.

Unfortunately, Suri didn't run off into the sunset. Oh well, maybe she's just training like JLo in "Enough." I bet she spends her nights boxing and making fake IDs. She'll make a break for it soon.

Suri and Katie actually looked happy while skipping around the East Village in NYC yesterday. They were smiling because that big girl Tommy wasn't around. And it looks like Suri has graduated from the bottle! Now only ten more years to go before Tommy allows her to drink from regular cups.

Suri Cruise is the hardest working celebrity trophy baby in the game. I realize that it's in her contract to be Tommy Girl's accessory and escort his midget ass wherever he goes, but damn. Homegirl looks spent. If she keeps it up, she'll have to check into rehab for exhaustion. She needs a few Calgon moments.

Suri was dragged to dinner in NYC last night by Tommy Girl. His kids with Nicole Kidman, Connor and Isabella, were also forced to go. I'm sure it's in there contracts too.

Have you noticed that anyone who spends too much time around Tommy Girl starts to look a lot older than they really are. He sucks the damn youth right out of you. Connor and Isabella look practically middle-aged. Suri's going to be looking like a teenager next week.

A couple of weeks ago I bitched about how Tommy Girl needed to share some of his doll collection with Suri, because homegirl kept carrying around some busted ass doll. Well, Suri was out with a different doll yesterday and this shit is fugliest than the last one! Where is Tommy Girl buying this shit? The ScienToy Shop? They look like creepy cult dolls.

There have been a few pictures of Suri talking to her dolls and I bet you they talk back! They say shit like "Aliens are your friends" and "Daddy is the most handsome, talented, smartest little man of all time." And you know the new doll says "GLIB."

Here's a few more pictures of Suri looking pissed because they are making her walk. Doesn't Tommy look so masculine in his purple turtleneck? And what the hell is he holding? His porcelain ass-aphragm?

I get that kids get attached to certain toys, dolls and other shit. When I was a kid, I had this Cabbage Patch doll who would never leave my side. Over the years, the doll became dirtier and dirtier. His yarn hair fell out and he probably had snot and drool on every inch of his plastic body. If you put my doll under a microscope, you could probably witness a germ orgy. My mom would always try and get rid of it, but I'd scream and cry if it never left my side. Okay, I wasn't a kid. I was 20. And yes, it still sleeps with me.

Back to Suri. There may be a reason why she's so in love with that busted doll. Star Magazine reports that Suri doesn't have any little friends, because Tommy Girl and Katie keep her away from other children. A source said that Katie takes Suri to play at a gym...by herself! The source said: "Suri takes a private class in a room in the back of the gym. I have never seen her play with any of the other kids." The source also said that when Suri is around other kids, she doesn't know how to play and she doesn't like share. What kid does?

Okay, that's fine and everything, but can't they get her a prettier doll? That doll needs a Glamour Shots makeover. And while the doll is at it, it should drag Stepford Katie with it. Homebot is starting to look like Shelley Duvall towards the end of "The Shining."

It's only a matter of time before we see Suri Cruise wearing matching jeans and sneakers. She can just borrow Tommy Girl's Bugle Boys. Their practically the same size. Seriously, is this some Scientology uniform or something? Alien jeans!

These two never fail to creep me the fuck out. They give me throat palpitations. And Tommy might as well as wear his seven-inch platform pink patent leather boots (you know he has some) because his lifts aren't very subtle.

Here they are whoring themselves out for some pap attention in NYC last night. They are always dragging Suri out at night. She wants to be at home watching "Small Wonder," not bouncing around town with these two freaks.

Tommy Girl in a superhero movie? Unless it's "Supergirl" and he's in the title role, I'm not interested. I mean, he has the costume for it and everything.

Instead of following his destiny by playing "Supergirl," Tommy Girl will star in DC Comics "Sleeper" for Warner Bros. Sam Raimi will produce this mess. Warner Bros. is also hoping to turn it into a franchise. Currently no writer or director is attached to the project.

The Hollywood Reporter has more details on this shit fest:

Written by Ed Brubaker with art by Sean Phillips, "Sleeper," which ran from 2003-05, centers on an operative whose fusion with an alien artifact makes him impervious to pain and allows him to pass it on to others through skin contact. He is placed undercover in a villainous organization by an intelligence agency and falls for a member of the group, named Miss Misery.

Alien artifact? Are we sure this isn't called "The Tommy Girl" story? That synopsis sounds like it was ripped from the pages of his future autobiography.

Screw Tommy and his stupid movies! Suri is the one that should be on the silver screen. Look at her in these pictures below. She's the star of that family!

She's totally having an intense conversation with that doll. She's probably interviewing it for the position of her sibling. It's nice of Katie and Tommy to include Suri in the process.

Let's just ignore the huge, fugly elephant from the late 1980s in the room and focus on something else. Let's talk about why everyone thinks Stepford Katie is knocked up. I don't buy it. It's just barley bloat. Besides, Tommy Girl probably drank up the rest of L. Ron Hubbard's frozen baby batter.

On a sweeter note (I can be sweet), Little Suri is pretty damn adorable and you know how I feel about children-types. I'm also tempted to e-mail Tommy and ask for Suri's blueprints so that I can build my own!

First of all, that cop is kind of hot. Second of all, where in the planet is Tommy Girl? Maybe he's visiting his home planet. We've seen Stepford Katie's every move, and now Suri, but where is Tommy?! That midget alien lives for this kind of attention. He's probably healing from his anal rejuvenation surgery. It takes a few days to recuperate. Or so I've heard.....

Katie, sans her signature pegged jeans, took Suri to see "The Little Mermaid" on Broadway last night. You know that shit. The story of the cute mermaid girl who changes herself in order to live with some creepy prince in some fancy castle. Sound familiar?

Since we're talking about The Little Mermaid, here's my favorite part of the movie. The minister must have popped Viagra before the ceremony.