Suri Suri

Who ever is in charge of moving the puppet strings that work Katie Holmes' mouth should pull back a bit, because lately it seems that secrets we shouldn't know about are starting to trip off her tongue and it won't be long before she accidentally tells us that she's digging an escape tunnel with a fork behind the cum shot dart board of Becks Tommy Girl has down in his dungeon.

For example, Katie tells InStyle (via CM) about how she regularly buys maternity clothes even though she's not planning to put her uterus under the hologram hand of L. Ron Hubbard during a Scientology conception ceremony anytime soon. Katie is buying knocked up uniforms for her 5-year-old daughter Suri, because she wants her to have a wardrobe of pretty maternity clothes when she gets pregnant.

If a room full of grown up Suri mannequins wearing maternity clothes isn't enough to make Suri RUUUUUUUN, then I don't know what is. Katie said:

"I will buy something with her in mind, thinking it's gonna look so great on her when she's 25 or whatever.

I have a lot of things that I've already set aside, as well as some of my old maternity clothes so that she (can) wear them when she's having a daughter or son."

This is totally the part in the movie where we all find out that Suri's life has been planned out from the beginning and her blueprint is folded into a black book held by Anthony Mackie! Why would I not be surprised if John Slattery walked through one of my living room walls to erase this quote from my brain with an electronic wand? WE KNOW TOO MUCH!

Why is Katie's dumb robot ass so sure that Suri will bear a barley-addict heir to the Scientology throne? Suri could grow up to do what most children of fucked up parents do: wrap her womb in Ortho Evra patches, make a vow to never have babies and then join the cast of The Bad Girls Club.

Katie also gave an answer to the question that's been plaguing your mind area. No, not the question, "What the hell do I do with Google+ now?!" I'm talking about the question, "Why does Suri's arms always think it's summer?"

"Recently, Suri and I were taking a walk and a fight got started because it was cold outside and she didn't want to wear her coat. My philosophy is, well, fine, because after a block of walking you're going to ask me for your coat. So the pictures of her [without a coat in cold weather] are sort of embarrassing, but I said, "Suri, I'll take the hit. Just put it on when you get cold."

I'm no longer going to give Suri shit for not wearing a coat outside. Obviously, she's just overheated from practicing for her future by walking around the house with a baby pillow strapped to her body.

Expert tummy tuckers, the most skilled uterus reupholsters from Germany, a tongue re-finisher to completely scrape all food particles from the mouth, a stylist specializing in hospital gowns and a nurse whose only job is to spritz champagne mist are all standing by waiting for Posh Beckham to gracefully sneeze out (via C-section, of course) Princess Beckham. Posh Beckham will give birth to Suri Cruise's obvious rival any day now and she's already got everything ready. And by "everything" I mean "FASHION," of fucking course!

The Daily Mail is saying that Posh has already filled the closets of her unborn daughter (whose name will either be Élancé Pout or Juliet Queens Penelope) with designer clothes that are worth more than your internal organs and even a pair of custom-made Louboutin baby pumps complete with his signature red sole. They're calling them "miniboutins." And I think I just had a miniboubarf in my mouth. But for seriously....

If Posh could shit, she would shit in stilettos. If Posh could surgically implant stiletto bones into her heels, she would (and she's looking into it... she's waiting to hear from Switzerland) do it. So of course, Posh's only daughter is going to crawl in Louboutins before she can even say Louboutins. Actually, that's not true. I'm told that right after her birth, Princess Beckham will be flown by helicopter to a newborn speech therapist who will immediately teach her how to gurgle out the word "Louboutins" in case Posh happens to go mute, blind and hand-less and needs to communicate to the shoe salesperson at Saks that she wants everything with a red sole. This is the first thing every Beckham child learns in case of an emergency.

I really wish I was fly on Tommy Girl's used dildo so I can witness for myself the wall-ripping, chandelier crashing, robot malfunctioning tantrum Suri Cruise is going to throw when she finds out that Princess Beckham will be the newborn queen of the high heel catwalk before her first birthday. I mean, Suri was a late bloomer and didn't start working the heels until she was at least 2 or 3! I can already see a 6-month-old Princess Beckham killing hos in 6-inch heels while throwing Suri a silver spoon side-eye that says, "gooburpgagagooburp." That translates into, "amateur, sit down," by the way.

Here's Becks hanging out with Prince William and Kate Middleton at some thing in L.A. yesterday. Becks told Prince William that Posh couldn't make it because she's tired. In Posh talk, "tired" really means "too fat for public viewing."

The Scientology engineers must have water proofed Stepford Katie's hard drive and GPS tracking system, because here she is frolicking in the ocean with Suri without worrying that her operating system will malfunction causing her head to spin while her audio box repeats the secret code tattooed on Tommy Girl's Scientolohole that opens the door to his basement dungeon. While Tommy Girl is working the soles off his fuck me raw heels on the set of Rock of Ages, Katie and Suri sunned themselves on the paparazzi's flashes on the beach in Miami yesterday afternoon. Only Suri wouldn't care about ruining her $5,000 custom-made Prada beach gown.

And is it just me, or is Stepford Katie's belly button getting thicker and thicker? It's a peen head button! It's like Tommy Girl is making her use a penis pump on her belly button so he has something girthier to ride with his ass during their monthly Scientology-appointed intercourse ritual. And by "like" I mean he totally is.

Suri Cruise is the daughter of a Scientology queen and a robot who played American royalty in a TV miniseries once, so you would automatically expect her to cover her precious princess feet with the finest shoes that Tommy Girl's money can buy. And she does! That's what Star Magazine (via news.com.au) says. A source says that Suri's shoe collection is so massive and luxurious that it is worth more than some people's three bedroom home in Santiago, Chile (everything I learned about the price of real estate I learned from HHI).

Warning: Get ready to feel whatever emotions one feels when finding out that selling a 5-year-old's shoe collection could pay off your student loans. Apparently, Suri's got a $150,000 shoe collection. The source put it like this:

"Suri has so many designer shoes. She’s a massive fan of Marc Jacobs and she’s had several shoes custom-made, so if they didn’t come with a heel, Katie had them redesigned for Suri. She commissioned a pair of Louboutins for her a while back. She cries if Katie reaches for anything but a little pair of sandals with some sort of heel.

It’s hard keeping up with a growing girl. Suri sometimes picks out the shoes her mum should wear, and then picks out shoes for her dad. They genuinely seem to value her opinion and want her to make her own decisions.”

Maybe it's because Veruca Salt is my favorite Charlie and the Chocolate Factory character, but I don't see the problem with this. If Katie and Tommy want to raise a spoiled snowflake who will eventually get arrested for slapping a Saks salesperson after they tell her they don't have her size, let them! Zsa Zsa Gabor is this close to skipping up the crystal drops to heaven and she needs a diva successor! Suri is that successor! So I say, keep on being shit parents, Tommy and Katie. Keep on!

Besides, when Suri outgrows her heels, she can give them to Tommy since they're just his size. Suri is not only helping the economy, but she's also being green!

(Thanks Nelson)

Not since the Empress of Lucite magically floated above sand on a bolt of lucite have I been in awe of a girl's ability to skip along the sand in heels like it's the most natural thing in the world. Suri's daddy taught her well, because like him, she never takes her high heels off not even for the beach. At Joel Silver's annual Memorial Day beach party in Malibu yesterday, Katie Holmes and Suri audited their practical Thetans away to frolic on the sand in heels while the beach goers threw them the same "....the hell is this?" look you throw at the Black Angus hostess when she asks if you have a reservation. But people just don't understand!

If Suri ran out on the beach in bare feet, nobody would ever take her seriously as a fashion icon and slave to glamour again! Karl Lagerfeld would unfollow her on Twitter, Anna Wintour would stop asking her to approve the Vogue covers and Jimmy Choo would give away her private dressing room at their Beverly Hills store. Yes, Suri's ankle bones are screaming "NOOOO!" the same way Tommy Girl's prostate screams "NOOOO!" when he winks at a peen, but she has a reputation to uphold. As Suri said to her podiatrist when he told her that she's going to have bunions before she turns 6: GLAMOUR HURTS, HONEY!

Katie, on the other hand, she's just a dumbass.

Or maybe she's doing her "bring down the house" impersonation of Mr. Magoo. Nope.

Suri Salt is definitely mad and singing out "I Want It Now" with her eyes. This is why I don't want kids, but it's also the reason why I love kids. They just don't give one simple fuck and will throw a full body, anxiety-summoning tantrum wherever and whenever. Suri Cruise had one of those when she was carried out of Il Cantonrini in NYC last night. Suri threw the same mean mug Tommy Girl throws at his shoemaker when his platform heels aren't high enough. Suri is delivering a death eye that even Dionne Warwick would skee-daddle from.

Meanwhile, Katie Holmes and Tommy handled the situation by doing Scientology breathing exercises (aka put on a manufactured faux smile and remain clueless).

I'm not sure why Suri was mad. It could've been because of all the flashes, but then again it might have something to do with those pink UGGs on her feet again. When in doubt, blame UGGs.

Suri Cruise's eyes might be saying "Isn't this special?", but her finger over her mouth is loudly screaming, "How. Tragic." From Jim Toth looking like a shaved monkey getting his daily protein by nibbling the gnats out of Reese Witherspoon's hair to Hello! Magazine erasing the Barbie from her dress, Suri is not amused. If People insisted on pushing Suri into the corner, they could've at least used a picture of Reese that didn't make her look like the love child of Skipper and Mr. Potato Head getting assaulted by a Monchichi. No, she looks pretty. I'm just every flavor of bitter, because Jake Gyllenhaal should be the one with a veil on his head on the cover of People. And Reese knows it! That Ore-Ida chin of hers has got a dollop of smugness directed at JAKE! Something tells me Jake will be shouting a raw rendition of Whitney Houston's "It's Not Right, But It's Okay" at this cover today.

And here's the newly married Reese at the ACMs in Las Vegas last night with RPattz! Either RPattz is stoned drunk or he's trying to wrestle out a fart.

While pushing that Kennedys miniseries on Ellen, Katie Holmes brought up the paparazzi picture of Suri Cruise holding a box of Penis Gummies at Serendipity in NYC. Most of figured that Suri was just being a mindful daughter by bringing her daddy something she always sees in his candy drawer. Stepford Katie says that she thought they were Swedish Fish at first and no she wasn't making a Britt Ekland vagina joke. No.

Katie also couldn't bring her lips to push out the word PENIS without spelling it letter by letter. Katie lets Suri wear high heels and takes her out at midnight, but yet she doesn't want her to hear the word PENIS?! But you know, Katie has a really good reason for that. She knows that if she says "penis" out loud, there's a really good chance the ground will shake, lube bottles will roll and Tommy Girl's Scientolohole will come galloping out and chopping at the bit. Katie is just playing it safe. And here's what she had to say about that box of Gummy Bear dicks (via HuffPo):

"Recently, I took her to get ice cream in New York at this place called Serendipity that we go to all the time. It's for kids. The clientele is children. We go in and we are waiting for a table and she grabs some gummies that are boy part gummies. I was horrified.

They are called p-e-n-i-s gummies and they look like it. She was holding the box and I was like ok, wow we don't need that right now. Because I thought if I said put that back and then she's going to say, what is this? And I really didn't want to have that conversation. I was like, why are selling these here? This is for kids. And then it was on the cover of a magazine that I'm giving her those gummies."

Did anybody ever think that maybe Katie had no idea what a P-E-N-I-S looks like? It's not like she runs into them all the time in her daily life. I bet one of her handlers had to pull her aside and give her "the talk" right there. It's an honest mistake.

No, this picture was not taken at the Scientology gift shop. It was taken a little after midnight today at Serendipity 3 in NYC. Stepford Katie's internal screensaver (Tommy Girl slow dipping an L. Ron Hubbard hologram on a loop) must've kicked in before this picture was taken, because she has no idea that little Suri is holding a box of PENIS GUMMIES. And Katie's head stayed in a state of hazy cluelessness for the rest of the night, because a rep for Serendipity tells the Daily Mail that one of Suri's slaves paid for the box of fruity flaccid peens before they left.

You know, I'm still waiting for the moment when Yoko Ono takes off her Suri Cruise suit and reveals that this has all been part of an elaborate performance art piece. The high-heels. The pacifier addiction. The Penis Gummies. Even Noah Cyrus is saying, "....too much...too much."

And yes, Serendipity (more like Serendickity) sells dick candies. Save me a place in line.

When I was in the third grade, my dentist kindly took my mother aside and told her that if I didn't stop sucking my thumb like its pores secreted Pixy Stix sugar, my mouth would look like a weathered piece of wood with rusty crooked nails stuck in it. Like a horse who just sucked off a chainsaw. Just all kinds of fucked up. And I had it bad too. I used to sneak in a quick thumb suck under my desk when nobody was looking and ask to go to the bathroom so I could suck some more (insert your "some things STILL never change" joke here). But I agreed to work on my thumb sucking addiction when my mother told me that it would affect my future social life and I'd have to use a map to brush my teeth. They give me a golf glove to wear and I was cured a week later! So because of this, I feel like I can't fully judge Suri Cruise for still using a pacifier at the age of 4.

Who cares if she's dressed like Charlotte from Sex and the City and has a binky in her mouth?! Who cares if she probably replaces that pacifier with a bottle when she gets home?! Who cares if she's going to have summer teeth (summer pointing to the side, summer pointing down...)?! Who cares if she's going to be that girl in high school with 8 inch stilettos on her feet and a diamond encrusted Cartier pacifier in her mouth?!

Stepford Katie doesn't give a Tommy Girl jizz dingle so why should we? Although, she probably doesn't notice since the words "WHY ME!?" that constantly flash in her eyes block most of her view.

That being said, Suri needs to design her outfits around that pacifier. Suri should get some wide leg JNCO jeans, a Cookie Monster t-shirt, candy bead necklaces and some Muppet fur platform boots. RAVER SURI!

Here's more of Raver Suri with her two assistants (including Katie) in Vancouver yesterday afternoon.