Suri Suri

The Sun says that international fashion icon Suri Cruise has signed (or scribbled) a $2.3 million deal to start her own fashion line for children called Suri. Since this is coming from The Sun, then the chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of Tommy Girl twirling out of the Scientology closet and becoming a spokesperson for GLAAD and the head pharmaceutical rep for the makers of Prozac. But I wish this was made of organic truthiness.

The Sun says that Suri's fashion line will hit New York department stores first and if toddlers with their own credit cards buy it all up, the plan is put the line into department stores across the country. Some source (aka The Sun's intern who was forced to come into the office on a bank holiday) said, “Suri is only seven but she is incredibly interested in clothes. She has been through a very difficult year and adapted amazingly to her new life in New York, including the upheaval of starting normal school. This is a nice hobby for her, it’s certainly not going to take over her life. Most girls dream of being able to make their own clothes, this just means her drawings will now become a reality. It’ll be interesting to see how it pans out, there’s nothing around quite like it.”

The world really, really does need a Suri Cruise fashion line. Suri has probably stopped trying to help Katie Holmes, because that homely, raggedy thing is a lost cause (see pictures of Katie Holmes looking like a homely, raggedy thing last month), but maybe she can help others be a more fashionable them. There are so many toddlers out there looking a damn mess. You don't know how many times I see a toddler out there in sweats, t-shirts, sneakers and normal kid clothes that every normal kid should wear and think to myself, "How could they crawl out of the house looking like that?"

So we really do need Suri to teach the children of the world how to dress. The Sun's article is fiction, but hopefully it turns into fact and Suri puts out a line of $500 kitten heels and daddy & me matching skinny jeans (in the same size!).

Meanwhile, Blue Ivy Carter is down in her studio, drooling out sketches of one-of-a-kind couture gowns for toddlers of the half percent. Making off-the-rack clothes for kids is so GAUCHE!

Suri Cruise gets to spend the Christmas holiday with her daddy and that's good news for her, because Tommy Girl is actually fun. Unlike strict ass Katie Holmes, Tommy lets Suri do whatever she wants like slap the maids for serving her hot cocoa two degrees too hot, slap the Christmas tree for getting too dry too fast and slap Tia John Travolta for eating all of the frosted fruitcake. Also, Katie probably got Suri a bunch of cheap boring gifts like educational toys, sneakers (so she can walk on her own more, BOO) and peasant clothes from Old Navy. Tommy knows what Suri really likes, because apparently this Christmas he got her a pony and a mansion! Eat it, Veruca Salt.

The incredibly reliable and not-at-all-fictional news source Grazia Magazine (via ShowbizSpy) says that on Christmas morning, Suri Cruise will open a box holding the key to her new $13.5 million mansion in Upstate NY. Some source (aka the intern at Grazia who is mad that they had to stay in the office during Christmas break) says that Tommy bought Suri a pony and the pony can't possibly live in Katie's Manhattan apartment, so he bought his daughter a house. (Side note: Tommy is the same size as a pony, is just as loud, always has accidents on the floor and Katie lets him inside of her apartment. So why wouldn't she let a pony live there?)

The source says that Suri has so many toys that don't fit in Katie's apartment, so Tommy is hoping she can keep them in her new mansion. The source put it like this:

“Tom is determined to make this the best Christmas ever. Obviously there isn’t anywhere to keep a pony at Katie’s apartment, so this place is ideal. It also has space for her toys, many of which have been in storage since Katie quit their LA mansion."

When Katie's mad, she'll scream at Suri, "Go upstate to your multi-million dollar mansion, young lady!" and that just feels right. It also feels right that Suri is the girl version of Richie Rich. I'm sure Suri's new mansion is actually a giant Scientology-made spaceship that will take her to her mother planet when Earth implodes, but whatever, she's still got her own place! Take that, Blue Ivy Carter.

Speaking of BIC, Suri Cruise probably thinks she showed her up, but all that will change on Christmas Day when we all find out that Beyonce and Jay-Z bought Blue Ivy the island territory of Guam.

Here's Katie and Suri in NYC this morning and Tommy leaving Letterman last night. Tommy's sweater, button shirt and undershirt can't contain his sweaty hotness.

Tommy Girl is slipping on his suin' heels and practicing saying "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" in the mirror, because he has thrown a $50 million lawsuit at the company that publishes Life & Style and InTouch for saying that he abandoned Suri Cruise. You can make fun of Tommy on South Park and he won't threaten to sue (yes, he will). You can say that you and him gargled on each other's peens and he won't sue (yes, he will). You can say that he tortured Stepford Katie and he won't threaten to sue you (yes, he will). But if you say that he made Suri cry into her heels, he will sue you!

TMZ says that Tommy's lawyer, Bert Fields, told Life & Style and InTouch to issue apologies and say that they lied, but after they didn't, a lawsuit fell into their laps. Life & Style claimed in a July issue that Tommy is a dead beat daddy and has barely had any contact with Suri since Stepford Katie found the key to her locked brain hidden in his dildo drawer and left him forever. InTouch basically said the same thing. Tommy says they have defamed him, and usually he's into getting defamed all over his face and ass because he's into that sort of kink, but he's not into it this time. Tommy wants justice. Bert put it like this:

"Tom is a caring father who dearly loves Suri. She's a vital part of his life and always will be. To say he has 'abandoned' her is a vicious lie. To say it in lurid headlines with a tearful picture of Suri is reprehensible. Tom doesn't go around suing people. He's not a litigious guy. But when these sleaze peddlers try to make money with disgusting lies about his relationship with his child, you bet he's going to sue.

These serial defamers are foreign owned companies with their global headquarters in Hamburg. They take money from unsuspecting Americans by selling their malicious garbage. Having to pay a libel judgment may slow them down."

"Tom doesn't go around suing people"? That sounds like an interesting fairytale I'd like to read. "They take money from unsuspecting Americans by selling their malicious garbage"? Hmmm...that sounds familiar.

Tommy does have a point and I'd show you that point, but Tommy's all lubed-up and sitting on it right now. No, the point is that Tommy is a lot of things, but he's not a shit father. Who do you think taught Suri how to work a pair of heels like a fierce diva? Who do you think taught Suri that walking is overrated? Who do you think taught Suri that the best way to get what you want is to start pounding on the floor while crying loudly (Fun fact: It's how Tommy gets most of his movie roles)? Those are all very important life lessons and they were all taught by Tommy. Give the crazy little man bitch some credit.

Anyway, here's Katie Holmes walking Suri Cruise to school the other day. I can't tell if Suri's mad in the face from having to go to school or if she's mad because that mean ass Katie is making her use her legs to walk. Tommy would never.

As Katie Holmes searches the sky for Scientology spy UFOs (that look like this) that are tracking her every move, Suri Cruise had a kiki with Daddy Girl or maybe she's calling Blue Ivy Carter to make fun of the golden child for wearing kicks with poor people diamonds (aka rhinestones) on them instead of rare polished kidney stones pulled from a pink dolphin.

Before you throw an "I can't even look at you anymore" at Suri for talking on what could be an ancient artifact from one week ago called the iPhone 4, let me educate you on some shit. Suri would never put hear ear on an iPhone 4. Suri won't even talk on the phone with a trick who is talking on an iPhone 4. Suri can tell, because she can hear the poor in their voice. Suri isn't even talking on an iPhone 5 here. That's an iPhone 7! They don't even sell it on the black market in Japan and there's not even a prototype for it. That's how forward Suri is.

And will the state finally step in and issue Katie a mandatory uniform since she obviously isn't capable of dressing herself. Who throws a dog blanket, some studded matador pants and elf boots on the bed and says, "This it the look!" Katie's not knowing ass does, that's who. Bitch looks like she was just kicked off of the Trail of Tears by her tribemates, because they were too embarrassed to be seen with her looking like she just fell out of Chico's ass. This is a Chico's kind of BARF.

Instead of taking my Prego jar full of loose coins (I call them loose coins, not because I found them in my pockets, but because they're really slutty) to Coinstar this weekend, I took it directly to Barney's and emptied it into the crystal Suri Cruise Foundation bowl next to each cash register. Because Suri Cruise is only getting $33,000 a month from Tommy Girl and so she needed our help more than ever or she would've been forced to wear the same pair of Jimmy Choos twice in one week. But everything has changed, because Katie Holmes has millions of dollars worth of jewels and handbags she can pawn off to keep Suri's feet slathered in luxury.

Radar says that every time Tommy bought himself a canary diamond-encrusted butt dildo, he bought Katie a piece of jewelry, so she has a ton of expensive pieces. Even though Katie didn't get a pile of money in her divorce settlement, Tommy let her keep all of the jewelry he gave her like a solid gold ball gag, platinum handcuffs, a pure onyx ball with chain and a cashmere computer cover that he'd put over her head at night so dust wouldn't get into her ears and screw up her internal hard drive. The source type put it like this:

"Tom was extremely generous to Katie with lavish gifts during their marriage and she will be keeping millions of dollars of jewelry, Hermes handbags and other luxurious items. Tom gave Katie diamond earrings as a birthday gift one year that easily cost over $500k and he had custom design pieces made for her. Under terms of the divorce, Katie is keeping all of the jewelry, handbags, accessories, and designer clothing. What she does with it is up to her. For the time being, the jewels are being kept in a very safe place and knowing Katie, it's likely she will one day give them to Suri once she is old enough.

Katie was never with Tom for the money. When it came time for the divorce, she just wanted it to be done quickly and with as little disruption to Suri's life as possible. Suri has always been Katie's number one priority and concern. During the divorce settlement talks Katie just wanted to make sure that she and her daughter would be taken care of from a financial standpoint."

Give them to Suri? Like Suri wants to wear used shit.

Tommy put a tracking device in every single one of those pieces of jewelry, so Katie should pawn half of them and then she should invite Lindsay Lohan over, so that crackburglar can steal the other half by shoving all those jewels up her cooch. Let those tracking devices lead Tommy straight up into LiLo's chocha. If that doesn't destroy him, I don't know what will.

And everything is right in the world. Suri is rich again and Katie has once again realized that her daughter is much too delicate to walk on the same ground that mortal peons walk on. Suri should ALWAYS be looking down at the world.

Damn that selfish Katie Holmes for only thinking of her selfish self by not dragging Tommy Girl to court to squeeze more gold bars out of him for the sake of Suri's future luxurious lifestyle. The courts officially shaved Katie from the bottom of Tommy's face this week when a judge finalized their semi-quickie divorce and now TMZ has all the details of what she actually got. Because Katie insists on being an independent woman, doing it for herself (copyright: Kandi from RHOA), she turned down monthly spousal support and a lump sum. The only thing Katie is getting is her soul back and $33,333.33 a month in child support from Tommy. Yes, ONLY $33k a month! That won't even cover half of Suri's monthly shoe budget. Let's let the self-talking Madame puppet that is Brayden from A-List: Dallas express our thoughts about this tragic news (skip to the 0:10 mark):

Yes, Brayden, I'm as sear-eeee-ess as the heart attack the manager of Suri's own personal Louboutin factory will have after he finds out he has to shut everything down, because she can't afford their services anymore. I'm Surious!

Tommy will spend a total of $4.8 million on child support by giving Katie $33k a month until Suri turns 18. Tommy is also paying for most of Suri's expenses including tuition for her fancy school, health insurance, college and medical and dental bills. Both Tommy and Katie both agreed that Suri will never go to boarding school. TMZ says that if Katie took Tommy to court, she would've gotten a lot more, but she just wanted to get away  rom his crazy ass soon as possible.

For Suri's sake, I hope that Katie's team leaked false documents to TMZ to make it look like she didn't get paid millions upon millions of dollars to keep her lips shut about Tommy putting his mouth over every hole at the Scientology glory hole. This has to be a mistake. But sadly, I sort of believe it, because Suri's been taking a lot of cabs (aka mobile poor movers) and here she is taking another cab last week. I hate Katie for this, especially because you know Blue Ivy Carter sent Suri a tweet about these pictures and you know that tweet said: NOT EVEN CARMEL?! LuLz!

You see what happens when Katie Holmes gets the robot control panel made of recycled Atari parts taken out of her brain and replaces it with an actual human brain that is capable of freely producing independent thoughts on its own? Katie somehow decided that Suri Cruise doesn't need a shoe closet full of high heels or a 1,000 square foot dressing room with racks and racks of designer clothes in it. Katie wants Suri to be more simple and expects her to buy clothes off the rack at Old Navy like she's an Affleck daughter or any other normal child. Screw Katie for this. You give a bitch an inch and she'll shit on your toddler heels.

A source tells something called Revel magazine (via HuffPo) that since Suri is going to Catholic school and will soon wear uniforms, Katie doesn't think there's any need for lipstick, heels or couture dresses in her life. Tommy Girl is the one who let Suri slather the lipstick on and Katie's always thought that it was wrong. As Jimmy Choo shut down their Suri Cruise division, the source said these hurtful words:

"Katie has been returning unsolicited gifts and loans from designers for Suri since she arrived in New York. She's issued instructions to remove Suri from all freebie lists. She's also put the word out in LA to stop any mini-me diva products being sent her way. Tom loved to spoil Suri and indulge her, but Katie has other ideas."

Turning away free designer crap?! IN THIS ECONOMY? Katie just got her mind back and she's already lost it. Woe is Suri. I can see it now. There's Suri Cruise standing (yes, standing, because Katie makes her do that) in line at H&M with a handful of sale items in her arms when outside Blue Ivy Carter whizzes by in a chauffeur-pushed Bentley stroller in front of a dozen assistants carrying bags from Barney's. Riches to Rags: The story of Suri's 6-year-old life. Sigh.

Here's life-ruiner Katie going to spin class yesterday.

Over the weekend, Suri Cruise found out that the most painful heartbreak comes when your mean ass mother refuses to buy you a puppy friend that you'll give a completely original name to (examples: Fluffy, Whitey, Puppy, Cutie and MIIIIIINE) cuddle with for around two weeks, never take care of and ignore in a few months when it grows into a dog body and is no longer to adorable to child eyes. Katie Holmes took Suri to a pet store in NYC the other day and had one of the store's assistants bring out two puppies, a Frenchie and a Morkie (a half Yorkie, half Maltese). Suri wrapped her tiny heart around the Morkie (probably because it reminded her of her alien Uncle Mork) and begged Katie to buy it for her. The old Katie would've phoned home to headquarters to ask her Scientology handlers if she can bring home a puppy if she gives it a Thetan bath and threatens to expose its deepest, darkest secrets to the tabloids if it defects from the cult of Xenu. But the Katie of today actually makes decisions by herself and she chose to break Suri's heart by not buying the Morkie. I think I speak for Suri when I say: "I HATE YOU FOR THIS, KATIE!"

Katie, is of course, getting some heat for thinking about buying a puppy from a pet store instead of going to a shelter. The North Shore Animal League America used Radar to openly invite Katie and Suri to their shelter to possibly adopt a dog:

“Unfortunately most pet stores are provided their dogs from commercial breeding organizations otherwise known as puppy mills. The breeder parents are not kept in conditions that are acceptable to caring for companion animals. They don’t get the medical care they need. They are overbred and when the dog is no longer able to breed they either sell them to auctions or kill them. If you go to a shelter you’re going to find beautiful, healthy puppies, even purebreds," the spokeswoman says. "Not only that you will also be saving a life. We would love to show Katie the animals we have if she is ready to adopt.”

Katie is a dumb bitch for taking Suri to a pet store in the first place. You know what happens when you take a kid to a pet store? They cry, pout and wish death upon you when you refuse to buy them the only thing they've ever wanted in life. When I'd go to the mall with my mom, she'd purposefully stay away from the area in the mall with the pet store in it, because she really didn't want me to scream at her, "I'm going to kill myself if you don't buy me this $3,000 puppy that probably has the sicks in a major way since it came from a mill!" And that was just last week.

I don't know why Katie's shopping for a puppy anyway. Katie just got rid of a tiny creature who nipped at her ankles, licked its own ass, was barely potty trained and constantly barked at her all the time, and now she wants another one?

So much for my comment about how Suri Cruise has been spared the torture of sitting in a ten hour-long Catholic mass. If The Los Angeles Times is telling the truth, then that whole rumor about how Katie Holmes and Tommy Girl have both agreed to keep religion away from Suri until she gets older is made of lies. Because according to The L.A. Times, Suri will become a Catholic school girl this September when she starts her first day of school at the all-girls Convent of the Sacred Heart in Manhattan. That's the same school Caroline Kennedy, Wonky McValtrex and Lady CaCa went to.

UsWeekly says that tuition is $38,000 a year and Suri will have to go to mass every single Thursday.

Why does Suri have to go to school anyway? Suri already knows how to stomp in heels down a hallway and that's the only valuable lesson you learn at school. Suri already knows everything there is to know about life. Although, sitting in Catholic mass for hours upon days upon weeks upon months upon years upon centuries did force me to learn a very important skill: how to sleep with my eyes open. Make that two very important skills, because I also learned how to roll my eyes on the inside. So there's that.

And you know that by the end of September, Suri will rule that school Regina George-style.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Little Lord Tommy Girl and his band of lawyers have threatened to sue American Media Inc., the company that owns The National Enquirer, for spitting out slanderous lie after slanderous lie about his latest marriage and divorce. The National Enquirer will respond to the letter by shredding it into a tub of aloe vera oil and muddling it until it's the consistency of premium ass lube. Then they'll give it Tommy to rub on all the burns they put on his ass. Because that's a better use for that letter and The National Enquirer doesn't give two shits about Tommy's threats.

Tommy's lawyer Bertram Fields is especially chapped over the Enquirer's latest cover about Tommy's house of horrors. The story claims that Tommy locked Suri in a windowless room for five months and mentally abused Katie. Bert writes that the cover is "disgusting and lurid," is ruining Tommy's reputation and will cost Scientology's Little Miss Grand Supreme hundreds of millions of dollars of personal and professional damages. You can read the whole letter here, but here's a small piece:

"Your cover announces, as a fact, that 'THE REAL TOM CRUISE IS A MONSTER.' Mr. Cruise is certainly not a 'monster.' He is a caring father, a hardworking actor and, above all, an honest, decent man." The cover also includes the headline "Inside Tom's House of Horrors" alongside a picture of Cruise's Beverly Hills residence as well as allegations that Holmes led a "tortured life" with the actor before filing for divorce on June 28.

Can't Tommy use his True Blood-like powers to glamour the image of that cover from all of our memories? And can't he use his Carrie-like powers to move all copies of that shit from the newsstands into the gutter? I'm guessing that Tommy traded in a whole lot of reward tickets at the Scientology prize area to get those powers. Well, he needs to get all his tickets back, because those powers aren't working.

If Tommy wants to sue a bitch for ruining his reputation, he should sue himself. Tom Cruise ruined Tom Cruise's reputation. That said, somebody should still sue The National Enquirer for that fraudulent cover on the left. They made a nation believe that Tommy was up to no good when he got half-nekkid and slipped into bed with another woman. We all know that Tommy was only lying half-naked on a bed in the presence of a woman, because she was there to wax, bleach and henna tattoo the coordinates of Xenu's safe house on his ass lips. The public demands a retraction and clarification, Enquirer!

And here's Katie, Suri and Katie's mom at the Central Park Zoo yesterday. It's nice to see Suri interacting with human children without Scientology handlers grabbing her while screaming, "She's been exposed!"