Suri Suri

Stepford Katie has already said that Tommy Girl smacks his lips, rotates his head and gives her the "Girl, no you didn't" eye whenever she's wearing a dress he doesn't approve of. Well, at last night's Elle's Women in Hollywood Tribute, Katie told UsWeekly that Suri is her main stylist and picks out most of her outfits. A three-old dressing a robot. There's a sitcom in there somewhere.

Katie said, "She loves clothes and picks out her own." Apparently, Suri even picked out the ensemble Katie's wearing here including that sheer blouse with the black bra. SURI THE HARLOT! In all seriousness, I'm not surprised to hear that Suri is Katie's stylist. I mean, I've always figured Suri had an intense fascination with the 90s (example: Katie's overuse of tight-rolled jeans).

One of Katie's friends (HA! Like she has those) said that Suri not only calls the shots when it comes to fashion. Suri is the BOSS OF EVERYTHING! The friend said, "Suri makes the rules and Tom and Katie go along with it. She is not a spoiled brat, but she is the center of their universe."

Xenu trembles in Suri's presence, because she really is the Queen of the Aliens. You know that kind of hurts Tommy since he's been forced to put away his "Queen of the Aliens" sash.

According to The Daily Mail, Tommy Girl has finally let Stepford Katie call a shot by allowing her to enroll Suri into a Catholic pre-school in Boston. Apparently, Katie and Tommy have been fighting about where to send Suri. Stepford Katie won and is sending Suri to the Catholic Charities Yawkey Centre For Early Education And Learning. For being a pre-school, that name is really damn long. You need an English degree to read that shit.

Anyway, a source said, "They had been having huge problems agreeing on her school. To say they were having arguments is putting it mildly – but Tom came around to the idea in the end." More like "Tom came while getting it in the end." Seriously, in order for Tommy to agree, Katie had to take a dildo to his Scientohole while dressed up as L. Ron Hubbard.

The school's website makes it sound like it's more of a daycare program than an actual School of JEEEBUS. So I doubt Suri will be re-enacting the birth of Baby Jesus (she could totally play Mary, though) or throwing her hands up in the air to feel the spirit. However, you know her ass will be sneaking off to sip the wine with the other kids. I mean, that's the best part of Catholic school!

Here's Suri with Tommy and Katie in Boston yesterday. Save your "SHE'S NOT WEARING A JACKET" screams for another day. A jacket doesn't go with that outfit, and Suri is willing to freeze in the name of fashion.

Tommy Girl had the day off from shooting that movie yesterday, so he took his family out to Cambridge, MA for a little fun in the sun. And by "sun," I mean the flash bulbs from the paparazzi cameras. Seriously, they even put Suri on display in the window of a cupcake shop. Not so subtle.

But Suri proved once again that she's the most talented one in that family. Suri goes from making a "What in Xenu hell are you looking at?" face to a "Hey Girl Hey" face to a "Please Take Me Home!" face to a "I iz eating that cupcake with my eyes (Ode to Stains)" face. TALENT!

And I think I'm on the Suri Diet without even knowing it. I mean, just like Suri, all I eat is cupcakes and ice cream. Sure, I don't drink barley water, but I do get for THIRSTAY for beer. Barley water is just like beer but without the fun.

In an ice cream parlor in Boston yesterday, Suribot climbed on the counter, grabbed at the topping and pretty much exploded over the thought of eating deliciousness. Switch out "Boston" and "Suri" with "DQ" and "Michael K" and that sentence would still be FACT. When the ice cream scoopers see me coming, they bring out their tasers. Seriously, doesn't everyone climb on the counters and lose their minds over ice cream? Well, not weepy ass Stepford Katie, but that ho doesn't even know she's on Planet Earth, let alone an ice cream store in Boston. It's going to take more than a cone full of sugar to get that trick in check.

Here's more of Icecreamzilla, Robobeard and Katie's mom terrorizing Boston.

Suri is jealous that her daddy gets to sashay around the house in sparkly kitten heels, so he got her a pair of her very own which she wore while shopping in Boston with that weepy robot woman who really needs ten Calgon baths and an alien exorcism.

Personally, I think you can never ever been too young to start wearing heels. If you pop out a baby girl, put the booties away and pop some exquisite lucite heels on her feet. All babies should learn how to work a pair of lucite heels like Shauna Sand before they even start to crawl. There's my parenting tip for the day!

Later in the day, Suri met up with her daddy (see the last thumbnail) and asked him why he had white stuff on his mouth and why he was wearing that silly costume (SPOILER ALERT: he was role-playing earlier).

The alien family has landed in Massachusetts and Tommy Girl was out poppin' that butt pussay for Xenu and working those sessy sneakers on the streets of Boston yesterday. And I see that Tommy propped up those Scientolotittays. Tommy's succulent moobs definitely bring the alien tops to the dungeon.

Suri came along for the photo-op and wore her daddy's favorite lip(you choose which lips)stick. And as for Stepford Katie, well....in the wise words of Dwight from The Real Housewives of Atlanta: HOW DREADFUL!

Katie Holmes took Suri to buy a new friend at the American Girl Place store in Los Angeles yesterday, but she really should have gone to a back alley pharmacy instead to pick up a different kind of doll. The kind of doll that comes in a pretty orange bottle marked HALCION. That shit probably isn't allowed in The House of Cooze, but she should stuff it in Suri's dolly so she can smuggle it in.

The saddest part is that Katie's "zombie with a hangover" face didn't come from excessive boozing. It came from being exposed to Tommy's excessive craziness. Somebody hit her snooze button.

Here's more of the weepy little robot with Suri yesterday. Suri is becoming a master at discreetly flipping off us off.

You know Suri Cruise spends her days running around a table in her playroom to prepare herself for the moment when she'll finally be able to make a break for it. Can't you picture homegirl stretching and working on her breathing? Well, Suri's going to have to keep working at it, because one of her first escape attempts was thwarted! I guess chasing all that ass down in his Scientology dungeon, has made Tommy Girl pretty fast. Suri, that was just a test run. You'll get it next time.

Here's more of Suri trying to quit that bitch while out for a walk with Tommy and Connor in Beverly Hills.

Suri Cruise is already forced to spend hours working the famorewhore stroll with her weepy-bot mother, but that shit only consumes a small part of her week. The rest of the week is filled with lessons! French lessons, Spanish lessons, ballet lessons, tap lessons, jazz lessons and modern dance lessons! Lessons, Mr. Moss! That's what The National Enquirer says anyway.

A source said Tommy Girl has spent $1 million on lessons so Suri can be the best. It's his "little troll trying to compensate" syndrome acting up again. The source said, "It doesn't matter what Suri is doing, Tom wants her to be able to do it better than any other child. All parents think their kids are special, but Tom and Katie firmly believe Suri is gifted. She is learning French and Spanish and has a tutor she sees once a week. Suri has shown a real love of dancing, so Tom and Katie are encouraging her as much as possible. She practices ballet, tap and modern dance for hours, nearly every day. She also has private gymnastics lessons and is learning soccer. Katie likes to have Victoria and David Beckham's sons around, since they are older. She thinks Suri will emulate what they do and learn even faster."

Damn. When does she have time to drink?! Seriously, I bet Tommy makes Suri takes all her lessons privately so the peon children won't taint her!

$1 million is also the amount of money Suri is going to need to pay for all the therapy and anti-depressants she will need in about 10 years. Oh, did I say anti-depressants? I didn't mean that. I'm just being glib.

VIA Showbiz Spy

So she pulled off her flip-flop and snacked on that for a bit. Usually, when I eat my rubber sandal, I pour some A1 on that bitch, charbroil it a bit and serve it with some fries, but Suri likes hers raw and plain. To each his own. Don't worry, I'm sure there's some kind of protein in there. Hopefully, after Suri finished devouring that flip-flop, she ate up Stepford Katie's "abuelita with a cold" hat.

And don't you dare put any blame on Katie for allowing Suri to lick on caca. She's too busy hating life to notice!